Do any of you adults have parents that show favoritism towards your siblings(longpost

[transparant]

I'm kind of depressed right now. I'm the oldest of 4 girls. My parents are still quite young - dad's 55 and mom is 54.

As most of you already know - I have 6 children. Their ages are 14, 13, 11, 8, 6, & 4. Two out of my 3 sister's have children also. One sister has 2 kids, and the other has 3.

The thing that has been bothering me is this - There have been times when I call my mom to see if she can stop by to watch my younger children. It's never for me to "go food shopping" or "get my nails done". It's usually because I have a client in labor, and I need to leave, or I have a Dr.s appt. or something. My mom doesn't work and she lives 5 minutes away. I called her the other day to see if she could come over to watch the little ones until my husband got home from work - (I had to get to the hospital to be with a client). She would have only been here for maybe an hour and a half. She told me she couldn't because she "had to go to the gym"!!! Thank goodness my husband works 10 minutes away and always comes home if I need him too.

Now....whenever my sisters (one sister in particular) ask's her to watch HER kids - she drops everything. My sister can ALWAYS count on my mother to be there and help her. This really has been hurting me lately. I can't imagine helping one of my children and not helping another if they need it.

I've also called my mom numerous times only to find out that both of my sisters are there with their families having dinner. Mom has never invited my family for dinner.

My parents go to see my nieces soccer games and watch my other nieces dance practices - but never come to my kids sporting events. (dad sometimes does - but mom never does). My son Steven had a championship football game back in the fall and he really wanted them to come - my mother said "no, I don't like football". Well can't she stick it out to see her grandson play in a really important game?!?!

My husband says to just let this go - that they will never change. We've been battling this for years. But still...every time I hear that my mother is helping one of my sisters - it literally hurts my heart! My kids are just as important and love their grandparents just as much as my sisters kids do!

What are your thoughts on this - if any?

 

[MosMom]

The going to see games and excluding you from dinner thing is awful but the babysitting thing may have to do simply with you having 6 children. How many kids does your sister have? Babysitting 6 kids would wear me out! Even daycares have a 5 to 1 ratio!

I think you should talk to your mom. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she has hurt you.

My mom blatantly favors my younger brother. She always has even though she always denied it. When I turned 16, I got a Geo Tracker. Granted, I was VERY GRATEFUL to have a car and thought I was very lucky. Fast forward to my brother turning 16...he got a BRAND NEW BMW! Because "she didn't want him to hurt himself in an accident".

When I was a new young mom and we didn't have much she was getting rid of an older cell phone. It was winter and I had a newborn, however, she felt my 6'3 brother needed the phone more than me.

He FLUNKED out of high school and she bought him 2 new computers so he could "home school" which included playing video games all day. It is a miracle the man now has a good job.

I did bring it up to my mom when we were still speaking and she denied it vehemently.

Oh well! What can you do? You can let her know how you feel and then leave it up to her to make changes. It stinks though and it hurts.

 

[danacara]

I guess my initial question is,
What is your hypothesis about what is really going on here?
You must have some theories as to why your mother is this way.
A couple that I might guess, off the top of my head:
> Does she like your husband?
> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister during your own childhood?
> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that?
> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids?
> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?"
> Have you ever had a huge fight with her?

There's really no justification for her excluding you from dinners or several of the other things you mention. That's just hurtful on her part. But the babysitting: to be utterly honest, I know that being a doula is your profession, and part of your profession is that you need a find a way to consistently cover your household and pay someone to watch your kids when you need to be out of the house. It's not fair to tap your mother last-minute to watch a 6-year-old and a 4-year-old because you need to go to work. The downside to midwifery is erratic hours, so you need to adjust for that by having an on-call babysitter that you pay.

 

[Crankyshank]

Absolutely! My brother is the eldest grandson and is blatantly favored by my Mother and my Grandmother. My sister is also favored because she's the youngest and is the epitome of what my parents want in a daughter (blonde, thin, smart, funny, athletic, popular)

It still really bothers me sometimes, especially regarding my brother. Thanks to lots and lots of therapy I was really able to get past most of my resentment and self-esteem issues that the favoritism caused. My Mother denies any preferential treatment but it's obvious to a lot of people it's there.

Honestly? there's really nothing you can do other than tell her how you feel. Even then it's not a guarantee that the problem will be fixed. You need to pretty much look within and decide why you are letting something that can't be changed bother you and whether or not it's better for you to do something about it or let it go and move on.

 

[disneyfanatic60]

We have the same problem with my Husband's Mother. We have the oldest two Grandchildren. My SIL's oldest is a year younger than my youngest. Her children have been blatentantly spoiled rotten. I'm sorry to put it that way but there is no other way to say it. Neither of us live in the same area as my MIL. I can count on one hand the number of times my MIL has come here (BTW--she grew up and spent most of her adult life in our area) to see my children. However, she spends every single Holiday with the other grandchildren including their birthdays. If she doesn't drive to see them, she pays for them to fly to her. She's taken them on cruises, vacations, etc. footing the entire bill. This isn't about the money, it's taking the time to enjoy your children and grandchildren.

My kids are now 21 and 17 and they've seen this their whole life. She has missed out their lifes. They are wonderful young adults. They never once complained despite knowing how differently they were treated. They do get the Xmas, Birthday gifts and cards on every holiday with $5 in them. My MIL thought that was a "substitution" for her spending time with them.

It doesn't stop with my Grandchildren. My DH is her youngest. She's had a distant relationship with him (but loving) most of his life. Her middle son (who has no kids) is her fav and she makes that very clear.

My MIL has been ill (Parkinson's/demensia). Last week we rec'd. a call that she was very ill and had taken a turn for the worse. Her doctor's called in the immediate family. We rushed to get on a plane to Florida to be with her. As I was making flight arrangements, my DH rec'd. a call from her. She had called to say goodbye. One of the first things she said was "I'm so very sorry I was never there for you or your family. I was wrong!" I feel sad for her. I guess she realized this a little too late.

My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. It's so very difficult to deal with. Let's hope she will someday (soon) realize what she is doing.

 

[tiggersmom2]

My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.

 

[Blondy876]

Boy do I know how that feels. My younger sister and my mother are really tight. They talk on the phone severel times a day, mom drops by her house all the time (I only live 1 block from each of them), go shopping together etc. Several years ago when my sister and her dh were looking for a new place to live my mother bought a house, fixed it up and "rents" it to them. Rents is in quotes because they only pay rent when they feel like it. Whenever they need anything my mother is right there writing out the check. They needed a new mattress, next day they had one. The washer broke, next day they had a new one. Diswasher wasn't working so great, two days later they had a new one. Didn't like the old refirgerator, they got a new one. My sister doesn't work, her husband makes about $27,000 a year. They are on WIC and food stamps and are over $25,000 in debt. But they never want for anything because of our mother. Our mom also takes my sister grocery shopping every week and buys them groceries.

My dh and I bought our money pit about a year ago and my Mom surprised us with a check for $1000.00 as a house warming gift. Since she never gives us anything I was really touched until she said "$500 of that is your gift but the other $500 is a loan that you need to pay back." I gave it back to her then and there.

I have two children myself and I cannot imagine treating them as differently as my mother treats my sister and I.

 

[transparant]

I guess my initial question is,
What is your hypothesis about what is really going on here?
You must have some theories as to why your mother is this way.
A couple that I might guess, off the top of my head:
> Does she like your husband?
> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister during your own childhood?
> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that?
> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids?
> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?"
> Have you ever had a huge fight with her?

There's really no justification for her excluding you from dinners or several of the other things you mention. That's just hurtful on her part. But the babysitting: to be utterly honest, I know that being a doula is your profession, and part of your profession is that you need a find a way to consistently cover your household and pay someone to watch your kids when you need to be out of the house. It's not fair to tap your mother last-minute to watch a 6-year-old and a 4-year-old because you need to go to work. The downside to midwifery is erratic hours, so you need to adjust for that by having an on-call babysitter that you pay.

It's not because I have 6 kids. When I need her to watch them - the older one's are usually in school. So she basically only has to watch the 4 & 6 year old (sometimes only the 4year old if Isabel is in school too). Even when the older one's are at home - they are off doing their own thing. They are 14, 13, and almost 12 - they really don't need "babysitting" much anymore.

Does she like your husband? - she LOVEs him. As a matter of fact, my husband has helped my mom and dad TREMENDOUSLY! My dad lost his job 2 years ago, and my husband hired him (just to help them - my dad knows NOTHING about floor installation which is my husbands business). My husband helped them out financially big time!

> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister during your own childhood? Yes it has. Mom never went to my games as a kid, but ALWAYS went to my sister's dance recitals. She claims it's because she just doesn't like sports.

> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that? Nope.

> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids? I sure hope not. If it is...she doesn't have to deprive my kids from a relationship with her.

> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?" No...my sister's kids are all younger than my own. Quite "high maintenance" I might add as well.

> Have you ever had a huge fight with her? Yes I have - but so have my sisters. Nothing that has ever or would ever make me not want to have her in my or my childrens life though.

 

[cynsaun]

My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.

That is horrible! I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I commend you on getting past it and using it to better raise your children.

I am an only child, so I go all my parents attention. I also got all my extended family's attention until I was 12 on one side and 15 on the other. Blasted cousins!

 

[transparant]

My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.

How sad. I know the feeling. I was all of 110 pounds in high school and 5' 10" - my mom would occasionally say things like "Your pants are starting to look a little tight - getting chubby are we?"

 

[chobie]

Yes. It still hurts no matter how old you get especially when they take the favoritism to the next generation by favoring one set of grandkids over another.

Your allowed to feel the way you feel, there is often no rationale behind why one kids is favored over another or scapegoated it just happens.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, here's another one. Glad to see that I'm not the only one.

My mom has always favored my youngest sister. My mom was the youngest in her family so she always figures that the older sister has to be the one that is causing problems. My sister is in her late 30's and has just gotten her doctorate (in psychology of all things!) and cannot get along with anyone in the family or her outside life except my mom. And Mom keeps right on defending her and thinks that everyone is jealous of her because she has a Ph.D. Yes, she worked hard for her doctorate but she has alienated everyone who ever tried to get close to her. My 26 yo niece refuses to even speak to her anymore, as do I.

When my father was dying, she came from out of town to be with us and take turns sitting with him at the nursing home. One evening, I got a panicky call from my older sister saying that she was on her way into town because they thought my dad was going to die that night. She lives an hour and a half away--I lived 10 minutes away. My sister and my mom never called me. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I turned up at the nursing home. I haven't spoken to my sister since my dad died although I have forgiven my mom. It's not worth the stress it causes me.

My mother has admitted and apologized for being a pretty crappy parent to me but continues favoring my sister. My dad was able to get her to tone it down by pointing out to her what she was doing but since his death, it's been really difficult. She has been making more of an effort, though.

Sorry this is so long--it's a sore point with me. I've realized there's not much you can do except let it go and try not to let it effect your life. I've just learned to accept that this is the way our relationship is.

 

[transparant]

Well, here's another one. Glad to see that I'm not the only one.

My mom has always favored my youngest sister. My mom was the youngest in her family so she always figures that the older sister has to be the one that is causing problems. My sister is in her late 30's and has just gotten her doctorate (in psychology of all things!) and cannot get along with anyone in the family or her outside life except my mom. And Mom keeps right on defending her and thinks that everyone is jealous of her because she has a Ph.D. Yes, she worked hard for her doctorate but she has alienated everyone who ever tried to get close to her. My 26 yo niece refuses to even speak to her anymore, as do I.

When my father was dying, she came from out of town to be with us and take turns sitting with him at the nursing home. One evening, I got a panicky call from my older sister saying that she was on her way into town because they thought my dad was going to die that night. She lives an hour and a half away--I lived 10 minutes away. My sister and my mom never called me. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I turned up at the nursing home. I haven't spoken to my sister since my dad died although I have forgiven my mom. It's not worth the stress it causes me.

My mother has admitted and apologized for being a pretty crappy parent to me but continues favoring my sister. My dad was able to get her to tone it down by pointing out to her what she was doing but since his death, it's been really difficult. She has been making more of an effort, though.

Sorry this is so long--it's a sore point with me. I've realized there's not much you can do except let it go and try not to let it effect your life. I've just learned to accept that this is the way our relationship is.

It's hard - I know.

 

[danacara]

I'm honestly puzzled. Given that your husband bailed them out financially, given that she adores him, given that the sister has children who are younger than your own ... what justification did she possibly give you for not inviting your family to the dinners? Do you feel like she just truly favored your sisters from the day they were born?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.

The more that I learn about you, the more that I realize what a good person you have become.

I am so different from all of my siblings that I felt like I must be hatched from aliens, or something. In some ways, I always felt that my parents bonded better with my brothers and sisters, but I don't think that they were openly conscious of this.

 

[chobie]

The more that I learn about you, the more that I realize what a good person you have become.

I am so different from all of my siblings that I felt like I must be hatched from aliens, or something. In some ways, I always felt that my parents bonded better with my brothers and sisters, but I don't think that they were openly conscious of this.

In my family it was conscious. Boys = good, girls=bad.

 

[bananiem]

Could it be that, coming from the era that didn't let Dad's in the delivery room and knocking women out, that your Mom has a "thing" about your career? I'm just guessing here, but could it be that she just doesn't "get it"?
Given your kids' ages and your parents' ages they became grandparents at my age. Yikes! Could it be that she wasn't "ready" (in the words of my MIL ) and resents your kids somehow for that?
And I guess I have to agree with danacara. Perhaps your sisters are able to give your Mom some notice, like "Could you watch my kids in 2 days so I can get my nails done?" so that your Mom has time to plan around it. I know my MIL would tell me no if I asked her to come at the drop of a hat.
Just some thoughts. I'm sorry that your Mom has hurt you. I think it would be nice if the two of you could sit down so you explain it to her.
Oh, one more thing...My niece and nephews swim competitively, year-round. My parents never went to meets because "Dad didn't know what to do" like he does at baseball games, etc. I explained to them that you scream "GO, GO, GO!" until the get back to the wall and then you cheer and tell them "Nice job." They go to the meets now.

 

[transparant]

I'm honestly puzzled. Given that your husband bailed them out financially, given that she adores him, given that the sister has children who are younger than your own ... what justification did she possibly give you for not inviting your family to the dinners? Do you feel like she just truly favored your sisters from the day they were born?

I guess I've always been thier "guinea pig" being the oldest. I don't know why she's like this. That's why it upsets me so much. I didn't have the kind of childhood my sister's had. Even my sister's confess to that. My parents were pretty hard on me. Verbal and physical abuse was a big part of my childhood. I've never held that against them though - I moved past it. (Gosh...I can't believe that I'm embarrassed posting this). The only thing that I have linked this to is - My mother got pregnant with me before they were married. They hid this from me and even told me a fake wedding date so that I wouldn't find it out. The only reason I found out is because the priest that baptised my son was the same one that married my parents. The church put a little blurb in the church paper that "baby Ricky(my son) was baptised on Sept. 28th 1990 by Paster so and so - Paster so and so also baptised Ricky's mother and married his grandparents on April 30th 1969." My parents always told me they were married April 0th 1968.

 

[SleepyMom]

My thoughts are that this is how she is and it probably won't change for you, however unfair it may seem. I don't understand the reasoning behind someone treating their own children and grandchildren that way, I see it in my own family and I would never do that to my own children.

In my case though, I hate to say it but I am the "favored" child and it drives me crazy! I feel so bad for my brother and his family, but no matter how many times I bring it up, my Mom just gets defensive and denies it.

My brother has 2 boys near the same age as my oldest DD (now 19, 20 & 21), then we each have a girl born 8 years later that are just days apart in age (11 & 11). The 3 oldest kids were close growing up, but the boys never got a tenth of the attention my DD did, I thought maybe it was because they were boys and she was a girl. When the younger girls came along, then I could see it was just plain favortism. They were born in January and in March we took our family to visit for the first time to meet my new niece and show off our DD. My brother and his family live in the same town as my Mom, 6 hours away from us. I took along my DD's baby book to share and when my SIL was looking at it she became very quiet and sad, I asked her why and she showed me the Valentime's card I had tucked into the book from my Mom, my niece never got one. So I am sitting there thinking, "my Mom went into a store and bought a Baby's First Valentine card for one brand new grandchild and not the other that is only days older?" Wow!

I'm sad to say it hasn't changed in the 11 years since then. My Mom has drove the 6 hours to see my 2 DD's in their concerts, games, plays, etc... yet she can't drive across town and see my brother's children in anything. The only time, and I repeat ONLY, she will see them in anything is if we are there and going ourselves, then she will tag along. It's gotten to the point that I don't tell her anymore when I am going to see them do anything, because I don't want her going and making them feel like she's only there to be with us, not to support them.

My nephews have grown into 2 of the finest young men I know, and I am so proud of them, but the loss is hers because she will never get that time back to get to know them. My niece is the sweetest thing, and the only time she sees her Grandma is if she is with my DD. My Mom is always asking to have my DD come out and stay with her for a weekend or week during the summer, but she has never invited my niece to stay over once. When Grandma does ask my DD to visit, I always answer with "well, DD will want her cousin over to visit and stay also, so she's not so bored" and suddenly Grandma isn't so interested in DD visiting.

The only thing that makes it bearable for me is that I know my brother's MIL totally dotes on those 3 kids, so they do have one Grandma at least who loves to spend time with them.

Same goes for my kids I guess, my DH's Mom favored her other grandkids and our 2 were barely acknowledged. My MIL was even in town one night (the only time she ever stayed overnight with us) last year and did not go to my youngest DD's play, but when we came home afterwards there she sat in our living room entertaining the "Golden" grandson. I couldn't believe it!
The best was one Christmas we got her a shirt with an apple tree on it and it said "my grandkids are the apple of my eye". She went and had names put on the apples, and left our children's name off!

I'm sorry you are going through this, my only advice though is to not let it ruin your relationship with your sister's and their children. Thankfully, even though I know it hurts them to have their kids ignored, my DB and SIL have never taken it out on me and we all have a very close relationship.

 

[bananiem]

The only thing that I have linked this to is - My mother got pregnant with me before they were married.

I am so sorry, but I think you have your answer. That's totally unfair because it wasn't YOUR fault, but it sounds like you Mom still has a problem with it. She probably isn't even aware of it. I think a good talk is in order.