Do any of you adults have parents that show favoritism towards your siblings(longpost

[mrsltg]

I think we should form a support group!

I've posted before that my mother was very physically abusive when I was a child. As I grew, she switched to emotional abuse which was worse by far. My older brother and I were each other's comfort as our parents were divorced and Dad had no idea what was going on (we were threatened not to tell). Eric, my older brother, finally could stand no more when he was 15. He moved in with Dad and step-mom (they lived in Texas). This crushed my mother as it meant that she had been left. When Eric returned home a year later he could do no wrong. The unfortunate side-effect of this was that she turned all of her focus to me. She made it clear, by so much as saying so, that Eric was her favorite and I was not wanted. Eric was so screwed up at the time that he couldn't do anything to help me so I was on my own (still being threatened not to tell). By this point Mom had remarried and had another baby - little brother, Tommy. I loved (LOVE) him with all my heart and so I would intervene when she was getting rough with him - this did not help my situation!!! Wow, that was cathartic!

Anyway, the favoritism continues to this day. The big problem for her now is this - I won. I am happy. I am married to a wonderful man. We have a great daughter. We stuck together and weathered the death of our son, and now we are eagerly anticipating the birth of a new baby. I have a great job that affords me the ability to take vacations, have a nice home, and be fairly comfortable - all inspite of what she did. It drives her crazy!!! However, it still bothers me that I will never have her approval. I try, to this day, to win her over. I asked my husband when he thought I would get over this insane need to please her, and he answered, frankly, "when she's dead." He's right. I think it's the same for all of us in some form. We still desperately want that approval. Whether it comes in the form of helping us or just recognizing us for the people that we are, we want it. And we deserve it! For me at least, it'll be healthier for me to just let it go and realize that I can only move forward and do the best I can with my own kids.

I'm sorry that you are being hurt, Transparent. I hope that you are able to move past this.

Erin

 

[Microcell]

My father favors his wife, so the rest of us are basically left in the cold, but an obvious favorite after that is the oldest sister in my family, I have always known it.

I do not allow myself to have a favorite myself, so it is hard to see why parents do that. They sound like pretty bad parents anyway.

I will tell you, I am the least favorite because I challenge my father. Do you think it is that? My father likes it to be easy, to pretend none of the hurt happened, but I demand more from him. I am very biased with my own situation, there is another thread currently about that right now, so I could be waaayyy off the mark. Just a perspective I didn't see on the thread so far.

 

[Teejay32]

Somewhat different scenario, I was an only child for eight years, and then over the next eight years was blessed with 5 half-siblings. (Three in one house, two in another.) I'm a whole different generation all by myself, and yet I do have one of those young blond thin gorgeous dancer/athlete sisters, who did modeling in high school. My first daughter was born when Sister was 14, and my Mom said one day she hoped DD (her first grandchild) grows up to be just like my sister. That was kind of weird, because I have more of a parent/child type of relationship with my siblings than a sibling one, I knew things about them my parents didn't...my sister's footsteps will not be followed too closely. I'm proud of them all and love them dearly, but they're not pedestal material.

But I've always gotten that attitude from both my mother and father - you were so smart in school and you never did anything with it. No one else had your abilities and look what they've done. This is true, can't change it now, and I'll accept that to a point. When the violins start playing in earnest I just go home. Otherwise we all get along ok, and I appreciate the things they do for us...I think I just booted them all out of my psyche when I had my own children.

 

[jrmasm]

I hate threads on this topic.

My brothers would tell anyone that will listen that my parents favor me and my children. If they do, it's because I'm the only one of my siblings that bothers to have any kind of contact with them on a regular basis. And BTW, I do not live the closest. I value our relationship and the relationship they have with my children.

There are always AT LEAST two sides to every story.

 

[danacara]

Transparent: the premarital conception? That's the answer. That's the key to the whole thing, I would bet. Maybe there's some solace to be found in the fact that it's unconnected to anything you've consciously done.

I probably am my mother's "favorite", though I wouldn't phrase it that way, it's more like "I'm the easiest one for my mother to understand, I'm the one who is most like her, who acts most like her, who looks most like her."

 

[caitycaity]

My husband says to just let this go - that they will never change.

i agree with your husband. it sucks. it's not fair. but it is doubtful you will ever be able to change it.

dh's family plays favorites a lot (and dh is not the favorite). i thought it might be that we just live so far away and everyone else lives within a couple hours, but dh said it has been that way since he was little. it's to the point that after xmas this year dh said we should just spend xmas with my family every year and that he liked my parents better.

the way i look at it is that it's his family's loss.

my sister and i joke around about being the favorite, but we both know that our parents love us equally (and a lot). sadly, this is not the case in dh's family. dh is very different from his family and i think this probably causes some friction.

 

[jel0511]

Well, I can completely totally relate!!! My parents favor my sister over me and my brother. It's is so apparant, that even my husband and my brother's ex noticed. My mother thinks that she has to be the great "equalizer" in everything. My brother is off on his own, and almost 40, and he's fine, doesn't need any help. I'm 35, and have been married almost 10 years, DH has a GREAT job, and I get to stay home with our two kids. We're fine, no help required. Now, for my sister. She's almost 30 and has 3 kids, bu 3 different fathers. She had her first at 20, and was living with my parents. The second was born at 23, still living with my parents. She finally got married 2 years ago, and of course popped out another one less than a year later, now there's 3. My parents are still helping her out financially and emotionally, becasue she's not at the same place financially as me and my brother. They feel that they have to do this for her, becasue it's not fair that we have everything and she has nothing. Now, don't even get me started on how emotionally immature my sister is, that should be a whole other thread. They are even paying for a car for them to use, since they can only afford one car!!!! Do either me or my brother get a free car, NO!!! It's not even about the money, it's about the other things. My mother is the defacto babysitter for my sister. She just dumps the kids at my moms whenever she wants, and my mom doesn't even flinch, remember equalizer. Since my sister has to work, my mom of course will watch her kids whenever my sister wants, because she doesn't get the same things as me. When my DH and I want to go out alone, it's like pulling teeth to get her over here. And forget about asking her if my sister wants help, I'm always told, sorry, I'm watching your sisters kids.... She has never told my sister no, and it continues to this day. It's really a messed up relationship, but I deal..... Not very well though....

 

[marlasmom]

I have 3 children and I have a favorite. Problem is that the "favorite" varies from day to day among all 3.

My first thought was that 6 children were too much for your mother. I still think that might be the case.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

My parents don't show favortism, by my mom's relatives always have. I was the first 'Texas baby' and got passed around a lot my first year because my mom was always up visiting her sick father. When my grandmother or aunt would come to visit, they'd give me money or buy me things and conviently 'forget' to buy things for my sister and brother.

Over the years, it's something I've gotten used to because I am the only one out of my siblings and cousins who hasn't really screwed up their life. I am the 'normal' one out of all of us. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

TOV

 

[4greatboys]

My first thought was that 6 children were too much for your mother. I still think that might be the case.

Her mom only watches the 2 little ones, not all 6.

I an an only child so I never had to deal with that but I am the mom of a large family and I do all I can to make sure no one feels less loved than anyone else.
Jokingly I say my favorite is whoever is not driving me crazy that day but I do know that some parents favor one child over another.

jrmasm--I dont think the people posting on this thread are the do nothing, have no contact with parent siblings. They all sound like people who have truely be slighted by their parents and they also sound like they have done things to help out their parents only to be met with being treated like they were second class.

 

[Duchie]

I don't know if I'd use the word "favorite" but my parents definitely did more for my oldest sister. As a kid/adolescent/young adult, I resented all of the attention she got. Then I moved away from home and started seeing things in a whole new light. She was (is) needy, and my mother loves to be needed, so the two worked together nicely. Sis made bad decisions throughout her life and now is in a "pickle". Mom and Dad continue to bale her out so her kids don't suffer (but she's a horrible mother, and there's only so much they can do about that).

I got none of my parents attention because I didn't need it. I made good grades, kept out of trouble, worked hard and built a career. I knew my parents were proud, but still got tired of being ignored day to day.

I became tremendously independent, and it took a while for my to learn to trust others to be there for me. In time as I got older, I began to understand the situation for what it is, and just had to accept it. I can't change Mom, I can't change Sis, and neither of them wants to change the situation.

I know it's hard, but try to step outside of the family dynamic and look at things as they really are from an outsider's perspective. I had to physically move away to another state for me to be able to do this. You might be surprised at what you see.

In the meantime, from someone who's been there.

 

[transparant]

Thanks everyone. I'm a pretty strong person and I love both of my parents very much. Talking with my mom won't help much - she'll just turn it around so that it is my own fault. So I think talking with her will probably just make me feel worse. I need to just keep thinking to myself "she's just plain wrong" when she does things like this and get over it. Only problem is...my older kids are old enough now that they can even see it. My 13 year old has even asked many times "how come mom-mom likes Aunt K. more than you?" It's a hard question to answer but we'll get over it. I'm just glad my husbands family compensates for what my kids don't get from my mom. (My father isn't that bad, my mom is the one who gives me a hard time). Unfortunately my mother in law died a few years ago (she was wonderful!) but my father in law is the most incredible loving person ever! He's always there for my kids!

 

[CJK]

Wow - what a sad but heartwarming thread. I'm glad to hear that so many of you have been able to move past these issues in your lives. This thread is a form of therapy!

Our situation is similar to a few of your stories. Dh is the oldest in his family and he was the son who didn't need much disciplining, did very well in school, didn't cause much trouble so he didn't get much attention. His younger brother was the favourite as soon as he was born. He has had many problems (kicked out of school, doesn't want a steady job, lots of debt, etc..), yet my in-laws defend him to the core - at the expense of dh.

Dh admits that he has been hurt multiple times over the years, but he says he just lets it go. I don't know if that's really true though. It's almost as if he's out of touch with his emotions completely - like he's dead inside. I get so angry at his parents for basically ignoring what dh is doing or has accomplished and praising every little thing his brother does. I think they're overcompensating. The irony is, my MIL often says how she was not the favourite when she was growing up and how much it bothers her. Yet, she can't see she's doing it to her boys. She'd rather blame me for any problems she has with dh. Dh tells me that I need to learn to let it go and I'm trying to figure out how to do just that!

You're all an inspiration.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Gee, compared to some of the stories here, the favoritism I see in my family is minor!

transparent, I have to agree on the "premarital conception" thing--it's possible that your mother, subconciously, can't get past the fact that you were an "oops". But on the issue of having the other sisters over to dinner but not you, it's possible that they just didn't have the energy to deal with 8 more people. I agree, it's rude not to invite you, and with a little communication, this would be easy to work around (do pizza or pot luck or something like spaghetti). But if it was fairly spontaneous, I could see them looking at 8 people, a few teenagers, sports schedules, your uncertain work hours, and just think it's easier to just not invite you.

Also on the babysitting thing, I agree that it may be a matter of catching them at the last minute, plus if you're not sure of the duration of the sitting, that could cause them to say no. There are grandparents who would drop a date with the Queen Mother to be with their grandkids--your parents aren't like that. Neither are mine. You deal with it. And on the sports thing, if they didn't watch your sports when you were a kid, does it really surprise you that they won't watch your children's? I know, we all hope it's going to be different the second time around, and sometimes it is, but most of the time, you're dealing with the same people with the same personal baggage.

Best of luck to you. Please understand that it's their issue, not yours.

 

[chrissyk]

I think that my parents do favor my sister, but that doesn't bother me. I'm so very different from all of them that it's understandable that they'd favor the adult child who complied with their wishes instead. I'm 30, married, very independant, never asked them for a dime after I graduated from college. My sister, on the other hand, is nearly 29, chronically unemployed, living with my parents, isolated, and very much a part of their dysfunctional family system. She gets "favored," but that's GREAT by me. That means that I don't have to deal with my parents' problem behavior as much, which is wonderful. I hope that they favor my sis forever

As a kid, it bothered me more. Now I see that they were just gravitating towards the child who was most like them. There was no way that they were going to be able to control me, so they moved on to "favor" the child that they could control. I have no resentment towards them. I'd much rather have my life than my sister's life!!

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

I haven't read all 3 pages just the first but this quote is soo me:

Boy do I know how that feels. My younger sister and my mother are really tight. They talk on the phone severel times a day, mom drops by her house all the time (I only live 1 block from each of them), go shopping together etc.

This is my situation to a T!

At Christmas my mom broke the camels back. My mom and I have never been close, that's for sure, but as I got older and more responsible and more mature and married and settled down there have been several glimpses of hope for me that we would have a relationship that a mom and daughter should have, just to have my mom pull back and leave me with a broken heart of, "What just happened? What did I do?". There have been many thoughts that go through my head as to why she pulls away from me but the one that really sticks out is that perhaps she can't forgive me for acting out as a teenager. I never was on drugs or had a drinking problem. I never was arrested and I didn't get pregnant. I was just mouthy and headstrong and snuck out a time or two and hung around people she didn't approve of. I could be way off base here but. . .

As the oldest of 3 girls, whenever my mom needed me I was there. For one example last year when my grandmom fell sick (just before she went into the nursing home) DH and I would drive 2 hrs. to NJ and spend the weekend w/ grandmom so that my mom could get a break. And this went on for about 2 months. Once Grandmom went into the nursing home I didn't hear a thing from my mom except for a few fluff and stuff calls.
In September I had to have surgery for endometriosis. My mom made her obligatory call on the day of the surgery and then we didn't hear from her again. She didn't once ask if there was anything that she could do, could she come over and help (like we had done for her)? I couldn't cook or clean and I had a real rough time getting up for the first few days. She never called. The neighbor called, my inlaws called, my friends called. She did not. At the time I wasn't aware of who was calling but DH would always say, "So and so called to see how you were doing." No mom calls. After I went back to the doctor a week later and he gave me the news that there was a good chance we'd never have children (very devastating news) I spoke w/ the "favorite" daughter about what had happened at the doctors that day.
Well wouldn't you know, the very next day my mom calls. Coincidence? Maybe but I don't think so. At first I wasn't going to answer the phone when I saw her number come up but then I thought no, "She is your mom." So I answered and I told her what the doctor said and I told her how I was heartbroken and I told her we were thinking about adoption. We hung up and she never called me back! I was going through serious depression and wouldn't you think after you drop something like that on your mom that she would call back for moral support and to see how I was doing and ask about how the adoption procedures were coming? This would be her first grandchild here? Nope. Nothing!! About a month later she called because we were preparing to go to FL to see my aunt (her sister) and my grandfather (her dad). She asked me are you getting excited about your trip? I said to tell you the truth I haven't thought much about it with all we've been going through. She was just talking fluff and stuff again.

And this is how it was until Christmas. At Christmas my sisters (who all live in Delaware about 10 mins. from eachother) say that mom will be coming over here the Saturday before Christmas for dessert and presents so that we don't all have to travel over there and that it will be at my house. No problem. I personally call my mom and let her know she is more than welcome to come over Friday night and stay. She tells me She probably won't come over Friday night but that she would get back to me. She never got back to me. I tried calling her Wednesday and left a message. Nothing. I called her Friday trying to see what time I thought she'd be here on Saturday. Nothing. I called her Saturday twice to see what time she was coming over. Nothing. On Saturday I was on the phone w/ favorite sister when a beep comes through on Favorite sis's line. It was my mom. She said she would call me back. A half hour went by and she never called me back so I called her back only to find out that my mom was at her house!!!!!! And had been for about 25 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO?????? DH said I wonder how long she would have stayed there if you hadn't called your Sis back?

I was hot and hurt and flabergasted!!! This was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a small straw but it was all this camel could take!! You couldn't even make a courtesy call saying I'll be over at such and such a time even if she did have to stop off at my sisters I didn't even have to know if she had just called and said I'll be over at such and such a time.

I called them back and spoke to my mom and said, "You know what? You can just stay at Darling Sis's because I am not in the mood to deal with this today obviously you feel more comfortable with Sis. anyway." She says to me, "Sorry you feel this way." (Her favorite last words.) I had to stop at your sister's because I had a present shipped here." And I say, "Mom, I've been trying to get a hold of you for 3 days couldn't you have at least called me back to let me know what time you would be here?" Somewhere in the conversation (because my mom can't be wrong and she loves playing the defensive and she loves being a travel agent for guilt trips) it turns to "3 years ago when I wanted to go to Lancaster for my birthday and you couldn't go and blah, blah, blah. . ."

Lady, you do not want to go there! Hello, Sister's wedding, Grandmom ~me there for you~ Me surgery no babies ~you not caring less ~?!!!

So I didn't go over there and my DSis #2 came and picked up my presents for her and my dessert and didn't go over there until around 6pm that night because she's also tired of being hurt by our mom whilst we see her dote on DSis #3. And believe me it wasn't always like this. DSis being the baby never carried weight w/ my mom! However, one day DSis #3 decided that she was her mom and she was going to have a relationship w/ her no matter what and so she called mom everyday and (in DSis's own words) "Made her listen and be her mom."

You'd think it would've spoke volumes me not going and DSis #2 not showing up until 6pm when mom was here at 10:30am but it didn't. She and DSis #3 went shopping for the day.

My mom called me on Christmas day and I haven't heard from her since. I suppose I could call her if I cared that much but honestly I've become indifferent. I don't hate her, I'm just indifferent. After years (I'm 30) of trying to have a relationship w/ her and calling her and inviting her over (she always has plans) and driving by DSis #3 house and seeing her car there and not knowing she was coming and trying to just call to make contact w/ her

I'm done.​

I don't understand how a mother can be this way? How she can prefer everyone and everything else over her own kids? Even DSis #3 until last year when she made up her mind that she would have a mother come hell or high water and hurt and everything else until she had it. DSis #2 is an introvert and bottles everything up and tries not to make waves so she'll give mom a courtesy call once a month or every 3 weeks or so but I'm just done and I don't care.

I can't believe I put that all out there. It just made me feel better that I'm not alone and once I started typing it just all came out.

Sorry if this was SOOOOOO long but thanks for listening to me.

 

[Crankyshank]

Transparent, I have to echo those who feel the premarital conception might be the root of the problem. I'm in the same situation.

All of my self- esteem issues can easily be traced back to my Mother. I have always been told I am fat, ugly, wish I was never born, lazy, useless, etc.. My sister has always been treated like a princess. She didn't have to work until she was 20. My parents see her at least once a month while she's at school and they always shower her with expensive clothes, purses, food, etc... not a week goes by where my mother doesn't send her and my brother care packages. I've lived in my house for 3 yrs and my Mother has been to my house twice because I don't keep it clean enough for her liking. I've never understood why I get all of the critcism

 

[mrsltg]

FortheLoveofDisney - I'm right there with you, babe! I am so sorry for your devastating news regarding babies. I hope that you arms will be full one day soon. Our son passed away this past May. Mommy Dearest, at the lowest and darkest point in my life, took the opportunity to hurt me. Exploiting your children is one of the lowest things that you can do as far as I'm concerned. I am sorry that we have this in common.

Crankyshank - My Mom also believed that tearing me down was the best route. She told me all of the same things that your mom told you. I wonder if there was a class given somewhere??? Oh well...

Erin

 

[cheyita]

This has all been a sad thread to read. Whether there is more to every story or not, unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that are hurting.

However....

I read my new favorite line in ForTheLoveofDisney's thread:

"She loves being a travel agent for guilt trips."

 

[Mermaid02]

I'm an only child but my dh as a twin brother and an older brother. Yesterday we got an email picture of my nephew (almost 2) and my niece (almost 4) sitting on my mil's couch with her.... "A valentine's Day photo of 2 sick kids" seems they were sick and my bil brought them here (an hour away) for my mil to watch (she has gone down there in the past). Whenever we ask we get a big "sigh" and then "I guess so" and BTW- I have NEVER asked her to watch my son (dd is 15) all day while he was sick.... they have a 2 hour Jack limit.... 2 hours from the time they get him- they put him in the car and bring him back. Why bother???