Divorce ????

[shelbyjosh]

For those of you who have gone thru a divorce...how did you know when the right time was?? Things here have been wishy-washy for a while now. Make up, fight, makeup, etc. Vicious circle. We have 2 kids (9,6) in this marriage. We have been married 12 years this Sept. There are no affairs. He is very controlling of what I do. I have stayed home with the kids since 96. He makes good $$ (80K+). The attorney that I consulted with suggested I file first since certain orders can be filed. Such as him not cutting off the $$, cancelling his direct deposit, not cleaning out his pension/IRA, and order to maintain status quo. She said if he filed first, it would be more work to get these orders placed. By no means am I afraid to get out and work or go back to school. That was in my plans once DS got in school all day. My biggest fear is the money end. I really don't want to lose my house and have to uproot the kids. The house pmt is $720 and we have 14 yrs left on the mortgage.

This is us in a nutshell. Can anybody that has been thru this give me some advice?? TIA.....

 

[Serena]

Yeah, I'm going through it. The divorce itself isn't as bad as I thought. But that's me and my soon to be ex.

I was told to get seperate bank accounts, to get my own credit cards, etc. And I did. See a lawyer, they can tell you what you need to do.
Get a counselor, they can help you in a lot of ways.

Do you have family and friends that can support you and be there for you? Let them.

I'm sorry. You have seen a lawyer, somehow I missed that. That's good.

Feel free to ask away. The dis has helped me a lot.

 

[Maleficent13]

As far as knowing when it's right, it's hard to say. My ex and I went through the same fight/make-up cycle you talk about. Finally one day it was just enough, and I left. I can't tell you exactly how I knew though.

Your lawyer sounds very knowledgable, and I would listen to her. JMO, though. You have to do what's right for you. But I can tell you that good legal advice is invaluable, though. And it sounds to me that you might be ready to make the step, but it's just the financials that are holding you back. I had the same issues, and although things financially aren't great for me right now (they're not horrible, they're just not great), it's better than living in a marriage where things emotionally aren't great.

You'll be in my thoughts!

 

[shelbyjosh]

He tries to make it sound like it is all my fault--which I know it is not. It took 2 of us to get here and it takes 2 to mess it up and want out. I haven't done anything with the bank accounts. I am paying the normal bills, buying the same food, etc. If he thinks he is going to pull the plu on that, he better think twice. I did forget to mention that last summer when we were driving (I was driving) and the kids were in the backseat he got mad at me asnd SLUGGED me in the right arm. I did take pics and they are in safe keeping. Of course he says he was kidding around. I just can't believe he would do that in front of his kids. I often wonder if this is the right thing to do. On the other hand, I wonder what good it does for the kids to see parents argue and a father yell and verbally abuse their mother. That can't be healthy, either. At least if he is out of the picture, there will be one less child to take care of. I basically do everything around here. The only things I don't do is car work and getting up on the roof! He has it made and will be in for a big shock. Another thing, should I be looking for a job right now? Should I wait and get thru the summer since it will be a minimum of 6 months? I have to get my resume redone, too.

I knew I could find some answers on this wonderful board.

 

[tkd lisa]

I would suggest that you try some counseling before making any permanent decisions. I know that counseling doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. This way, you might be able to get to the root of the problems before making a decision that it's not going to go away. Most churches offer counseling of this nature, and many social service agencies do as well. I do hope this works out for you both, as well as the children.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Big hugs to you,
Sherry

 

[shelbyjosh]

But Sherry, do you have kids? Do you work? What kind of living arrangements will you have when all is said and done? And yes, I have sought therapy from a psychologist. He refuses to go for any kind of counseling because "it will not help the situation". So, screw him!! His dad has previous history of violence, verbal, and mental health problems. My MIL tells me she can see so much of his dad in him. That is scary because if he flips out I don't want to be a part of that and my kids don't need that. Too bad some of you didn't live nearby so we could chat!!

 

[shelbyjosh]

Oh, now he is starting to sleep on the couch. Last night I politely told him I was going to bed. About 10 min later he came in and got his pillow and camped on the couch. What really sucks is that I possess the alarm clock. I set his time for 545 and mine for 640. So when his goes off I have to stay awake to prod him to get up. It takes him a good 25 min to get up. Do you think I am being a b**** by setting him up with his little travel alarm clock tonight? That way I won't have to wake up and keep going out in the living room to wake him. I also make his lunch and coffee. I know, bad habit I started years ago. If hindsight was 20/20!!

 

[Kristi1357]

I would definately give him the travel alarm clock!

Unfortunately, I went through a very nasty divorce about 7 years ago. I think your lawyer gave you great advice. Get all your ducks in a row so you have less hassles later on. And if you file first, he has to spend more time (and money) responding to your filing. At least that's how it worked in my case. You get to ask for everything you want / are entitled to - and he gets to dispute it.

Keep those pics of the bruise(s) when he hit you. I had the same things happen - those pictures worked wonders when negotiating the final decree! Maybe even make some copies and have them kept somewhere safe - where he can't destroy them. My ex figured out I took pictures of the bruises and destoyed the film. Apparently he didn't think I was smart enough to take another set of pictures! Or he was just that dumb!

I don't have much advice about job hunting. I'd check with the lawyer though. You have been a SAHM for many years now and I would think things would have to stay the same financially (to a point) until the final decree is reached. So filing is really the key.

Good Luck!
Kristi

 

[Maleficent13]

OctoberBeauty, I am so sorry. It is never too late to make a change in life, believe me.

shelbyjosh: IMO, I would get out of that situation. I also agree with your lawyer that it would be advantageous to initiate the proceedings so those filings can happen ASAP and you don't take a huge financial hit. I also think I would update your resume ASAP and start looking now. It can take awhile to find a good job, and one that will work with your kids' schedule. JMO, though.

I think you're very brave to be considering this. I know it takes a lot of guts to go through with this. It will be hard but you'll make it through!

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this all. I am in the same boat at the moment but DH doesn't want to let go. We have been in counseling since Jan. and it has not helped for me anyways. I am very unhappy and want out. Three weeks ago DH got so drunk he told our children quite bluntly that mommy didn't love him anymore and we were getting a divorce. They were devasted. He then got out his gun and threatened to shoot himself and then passed out on the front lawn. All this in front of DS 10 and DD 5. He is not usually like this, but it just made things worse.
Good luck to you.

 

[mainewmn]

shelbyjosh I'm sorry for everything you going through now. I'm sure it must be very hard on you AND kids as well.
I also went through very similar situation and decided that my happiness and my children’s happiness was worth much more then any property. My ex saw the child raising as a women’s job, along with house maintenance, cooking, cleaning and making enough money for myself and kids. We tried the counseling but there was only one person there trying to work it out. My ex was there because his parents wore nagging at him to go. Finally one day I had enough of putting myself down. I realized how unhappy I was and how much I hated walking on egg shells and decided to do something about it. That was 8 years ago. I put myself through school; I established new residents with my children and MY belongings and meet my knight in shining armor. My new husband and I will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary this June. I sometimes wonder how I ever put up with my ex for so long and how I managed to do it all alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Tiggeroo]

So sorry. You might want to delay job hunting for now. If you have been a SAHM the financial settlement might be better if you still are at the time. Also, you may be better off living with a bit less money in the beginning and going back to school. This may enable you in the long run to have a better job and better income. Check with your attorney on this.

 

[luv2nascar]

I'd get a job any job right now
open my own bank account and put all my earnings in there for a little nest egg in case he pulls anything
listen to your lawyer she sounds like she has good advice
don't wait for him to dictate what is going to happen
if you're done with the marriage make it right for you and your kids

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Sherry

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My ex and I had our marriage annulled 3 weeks after the wedding date. He raised a hand to me once and that was the last straw.

 

[Microcell]

I am so lucky I have my DH after reading all the posts! I think if he raised a hand to you he could do it to your kids once they get challanging to him. If he refuses counseling.

Sherry, Do you have parents you could go to? A loving sister? Brother? They probably all hate him and are wishing you would leave him already and would be willing to help more than you think. I shocked the heck out of my sister telling her I would let her come stay with me for dealing with just financial problems, not a bad spouse situation.

 

[niks81]

I have not gone through a divorce in my own relationship, but I went through one when I was about 13 with my own parents. It was bitter and nasty and I shudder to even remember it all. What is ironic is that your DH sounds very much like my biological father--refusing couseling, putting all the blame on you, and borderline abusive etc.

You can look at this in one of two ways:
1) Stick it out because its comfortable and you and the kids don't have to go through emotional strain of a divorce

OR

2) Get out because it is unhealthy for your kids to see parents that constantly argue and it's unhealthy for you to be in an emotionally starving relationship.

It's looked at in both ways, and quite honestly it really depends on the parties involved, and their personalities. For some people divorces can end up being good things, for others they can be horrible events.

I know that for my family, we went through about 5 years of hell before it was all over. It was a very long, tiring, ordeal and the result being that I haven't talked to my real dad in 10 years and neither has my little brother. He made everything in the divorce go "the hard way" As hard as everything was, in the end it was the best decision for everyone. My brother and I are much happier without the fights and the arguing and our mom is too.

I'm definitely not promoting divorce, more of less giving insight--I applaud the people that stick it out through anything and everything. That takes a lot of strength and determination. But for some it is just the right decision. And considering your husband hit you in front of your kids, I think it is the best decision for you.

Having said that, if it's something you think you really want to do, you need to consult a lawyer. They will explain the steps and all the different things to do or not to do. You are right in that you need to be careful of your DH hiding money and things of that sort (happened to us LOL).

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

 

[poohandwendy]

I have been married 18 years and am a firm supporter of counselling to resolve marital difficulties instead of divorce....

HOWEVER...this man is abusive. Noone should have to hope for resolution with an abusive person (be it physical, emotional or otherwise). He isn't seeking help and sounds like he isn't going to consider it any time soon.

Listen to your atty. But, make sure you have a safe place to go when the chips fall. It will get ugly and you really do not want to be in a dangerous situation. Do not tell yourself that he 'would never go that far', you really do not know what a person (who cannot control their anger) will do when everything is falling aprt and they feel they may lose more than they are willing to.

Please discuss this throroughly with your atty, family and trusted friends.


Think of this: What would you want your daughter to do if she and your grandchildren were living this way?

Good luck to you!

 

[niks81]

I think Wendy summed it right up Counseling together is a great way to resolve marital problems, but he is refusing and you don't want to take risks.

Think of this: What would you want your daughter to do if she and your grandchildren were living this way?

ITA