Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[peainapod]

I have often wondered how stay-at-home moms go about getting divorced. Most SAHM moms I know have not worked in their field of study in a long time, don't have a degree, or have never worked in their degree field. Very few I know worked a long time in their field before staying home. It would be tough not to have a job "to fall back on."

How do they/you do it? It seems even more stressful than a "regular" divorce to me!

I am a SAHM and could not imagine the stress!

 

[1girln3boys]

They just do what they have to. I have friends that were SAHMs and went through divorce. A couple of them started working at a bank. Others retail or something. Some just went back to their field of work before. It's hard but these women became stronger bc of it.

 

[java]

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would imagine they would have more flexible time (I didn't say MORE time, just flexible time) to do all that needs doing during that awful time. I'm tied to a desk all day and I can't even go to a Notary during lunch as there isn't enough "off-the-clock time" to do so for some silly claim form I have to complete.

 

[peainapod]

??

 

[nemajovc]

Many have education negotiated in divorce - a lot take classes and become nurses to get good pay later- it is a tough transition but they become good role models for their kids on dealing with adversity.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[peainapod]

They just do what they have to. I have friends that were SAHMs and went through divorce. A couple of them started working at a bank. Others retail or something. Some just went back to their field of work before. It's hard but these women became stronger bc of it.

A neighborhood acquaintance is going through a divorce with 3 little ones. She is a SAHM. I couldn't imagine how scary that must be! I give her props!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Just think, though. They have such a huge field to choose from... it is like a fresh start in some ways. They could be anything (if they get the education rider thingie.)

 

[disykat]

It's not that different than anyone else that suffers income loss. They just regroup and make a new plan like anyone else would.

There's really not just one track for most people. When life throws a curve, you just bend and follow it.

 

[kellyg403]

I was a SAHM that went through a divorce. It was hard at first because I had to do all the thinking alone. Ex had moved so there wasn't even a back up plan.

Got a job working retail that eventually grew into something pretty decent. I can't complain. I worked hard, and with the help of some very great friends was able to keep it going.

And no, I did not get an educational rider or anything of that nature. Lets say the bank account got cleaned out and I had to borrow money just to see a lawyer, let alone eat. It was a pretty darn nasty divorce in the beginning.

Kelly

 

[ilovemk76]

I have often wondered how stay-at-home moms go about getting divorced. Most SAHM moms I know have not worked in their field of study in a long time, don't have a degree, or have never worked in their degree field. Very few I know worked a long time in their field before staying home. It would be tough not to have a job "to fall back on."

How do they/you do it? It seems even more stressful than a "regular" divorce to me!

I am a SAHM and could not imagine the stress!

This is one reason that a woman's standard of living is below that of her spouse after a divorce. Another is the need to keep the family home at all costs.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I used to wonder about this too. DH is recently retired military, and many of the Air Force wives I met had no education or experience, having married very young. We were witness to many divorces during his career, and it was always awful for the wives.

I have all the respect in the world for the women who have worked their way out of that situation. It's a tough one.

 

[joviroxx]

Have a friend going through that now. She's been a SAHM for 25 years, married for 26. He asked for the divorce and she's 47. Her oldest is on his own but she still has a 12 year old and a 14 year old at home.

She managed to find a part time job and is having a tough time keeping up with the activities. The kids are used to her being home and taking them to their activites but her schedule is part time one day a week and full time 3 days and its been tough juggling all of it. The girls are in different schools and makes it harder.

She was blindsided by all of this. But you do what you have to do. You have no choice.

 

[bigbabyblues]

DH's aunt went through this about 5 years ago. She was almost 50 years old and hadn't worked since her first child was born about 25 years before. She had been a hair dresser before that, and had only a high school education. She still had one child at home who was 15. She ended up getting certified as a teacher aide, and she seems to enjoy it.

 

[DanInMN]

Although my ex-wife worked, she didn't have the motivation to obtain post-high school training. Her jobs were low skill, and low pay. When she left me she got everything, including big child support checks for a few years. However, custody eventually changed to me (she was not a good parent), and she has floundered since.

The moral of the story is that women funded by their ex need to realize the "free ride" does not go on forever. Like welfare, it can enable low motivation people to do nothing... which in the long term can be very bad for their well being.

I remarried long ago, including a delightful 4 year old stepdaughter! She is now an RN at age 25 who will never be financially dependent on a future spouse.

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

I haven't posted in years but here goes.

I was a 40 year old Stay at home mom of two girls 6 and 9 when my now ex husband decided he was "tired"(aka having an affair and wanting out) and that was it.

I was fortunate to have supportive parents. I moved back in with them, went back to school worked hard, graduated with honors, got a job, fought for child support and alimony, and eventually was able to get my own apartment.

I had lots of help. I thought sometimes I would fall part, but my girls were depending on me. I was finally able to stand on my own two feet. Now I am 47, work full time, live in my own home that I bought with the best husband a girl could ever ask for. It was not easy, but it wasn't impossible.

 

[SLK1]

I have often wondered this too. I have a huge amount of respect for people (men and women) who were blindsided but then managed to just figure things out without going off the deep end!

I also believe a really good lawyer can do wonders! I have a friend whose husband was a cheater and he finally left her. Her lawyer worked it so she not only continued to be a SAHM, she got the house, nicer car, and her kids are still in private school. When it's a mutually agreed upon divorce, I believe fair is fair. But when one continues to cheat and the wife tries and tries to make it work, then she should take him to the cleaners.

 

[Art 1]

I have often wondered this too. I have a huge amount of respect for people (men and women) who were blindsided but then managed to just figure things out without going off the deep end!

I also believe a really good lawyer can do wonders! I have a friend whose husband was a cheater and he finally left her. Her lawyer worked it so she not only continued to be a SAHM, she got the house, nicer car, and her kids are still in private school. When it's a mutually agreed upon divorce, I believe fair is fair. But when one continues to cheat and the wife tries and tries to make it work, then she should take him to the cleaners.

And the other way around too.

 

[disykat]

This topic just irritates the heck out of me because it always comes down to people saying you should never be financially dependent on anyone else. IMO, if you are married, you are financially Interdependent. When we both work, we depend on each other's salaries. When I stayed home, we depended on his AND the fact that my work had helped us get a good start in our home etc. If my DH had to (or we chose for him to) stop working, we would depend on mine.

I think we are getting to the point where no one should marry or join finances with someone without a legal agreement. I don't know that I would be willing to become a SAHM at this point without one - there is just too little respect for anyone who doesn't earn their own money. Now, instead of splitting sacrifices, it's a "too bad for you" nanner nanner attitude. It just bothers me that people think they can leave a marriage and pretend it didn't happen.

If my dh and I were to divorce right now, I would expect alimony to help make up for my lost wage earning potential. Our kids are grown, but I know exactly how much my salary would be now had I kept working our entire marriage. I would expect that we would sort of split that sacrifice.

The idea that you should be able to join forces, have one partner sacrifice career to stay home and take care of the kids, then have the wage earner leave her/him penniless afterwards because they didn't make any money is ridiculous.

 

[RadioNate]

Have a friend going through that now. She's been a SAHM for 25 years, married for 26. He asked for the divorce and she's 47. Her oldest is on his own but she still has a 12 year old and a 14 year old at home.

She managed to find a part time job and is having a tough time keeping up with the activities. The kids are used to her being home and taking them to their activites but her schedule is part time one day a week and full time 3 days and its been tough juggling all of it. The girls are in different schools and makes it harder.

She was blindsided by all of this. But you do what you have to do. You have no choice.

Exactly, you just do what you have to do.

My ex moved us to 8 different states in support of his career. While I did work on and off I never really built any solid experience and for the last 4 years we were married I was a SAHM. I do have a degree.

He decided he didn't want to be married (read cheating and wanted to be with her.) I didn't really have a choice. We had only lived in the area we had relocated to for 6 months. Once he established residency, he filed and that was that. I ended up moving home. He's in yet another state.

Is it tough to juggle, you bet. I don't make a lot. My kids no longer participate in most of the activities and lessons that they used to do. I just can't get them there or afford. My mom is a HUGE help but she isn't their parent and it isn't their responsibility.

My oldest has had to pick up some of the slack. It isn't fair but it is what has to be done.

I'm looking for a better job but that's rough.

That said. I would NEVER encourage my kids to be a SAHP or sacrifice for anyone else's career. Bitter, cynical, maybe but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.