Divorce and DisneyWorld question

[disneydancemom]

Hello all....have a question. I am about to file for divorce. I had already booked and paid for a July vacation to Disney World a couple months ago. I had thought my daughters dance team was competing there at that time...due to not enough members being able to afford the trip, the dance company has decided to compete more locally (we are in NJ) . Anyhow- since the trip is already paid, I still want to, and intend to go. I anticipate having primary physical custody, and my dh will have some visitation. He is not very involved in our daughter's lives (7 & 1- they will be 8 & 2 when we leave for DW) . However, he has told me he now does not want me taking them to Disney. He will not give me a reason why. It seems to me he simply wants to control what I do. I even offered for him to come with us, and that I would pay for him to come. He still said no. Has anyone been through a situation like this? What are my options? Is this something I have to get a judge's permission for? I anticipate sharing legal custody with him, but essentially having a sole physical custody with visitation situation with him.

Thanks in advance.

 

[horseshowmom]

Hello all....have a question. I am about to file for divorce. I had already booked and paid for a July vacation to Disney World a couple months ago. I had thought my daughters dance team was competing there at that time...due to not enough members being able to afford the trip, the dance company has decided to compete more locally (we are in NJ) . Anyhow- since the trip is already paid, I still want to, and intend to go. I anticipate having primary physical custody, and my dh will have some visitation. He is not very involved in our daughter's lives (7 & 1- they will be 8 & 2 when we leave for DW) . However, he has told me he now does not want me taking them to Disney. He will not give me a reason why. It seems to me he simply wants to control what I do. I even offered for him to come with us, and that I would pay for him to come. He still said no. Has anyone been through a situation like this? What are my options? Is this something I have to get a judge's permission for? I anticipate sharing legal custody with him, but essentially having a sole physical custody with visitation situation with him.

Thanks in advance.

Some custody arrangements state that one parent cannot take the child(ren) out of state without permission from the other parent. In your case, are you sure you'll actually be divorced by July? If so, you can probably include that in your paperwork. My experience with situations that I'm close to has shown that it's best to have things stated in as much detail as possible to eliminate opportunities for disagreement. Obviously, you can't cover everything, but you can address vacations, etc. Keep in mind though, that he will have the same options for taking them out of state as you do. Best wishes for the future.

 

[Lorelei Lee]

I have never seen a custody agreement that precludes a party from vacationing out of state unless there is a serious reason to do so. Many agreements preclude a custodial parent from MOVING out of state, but vacationing ? No. You may have to provide the other parent with contact information and an itinerary, but in all likelyhood you will be able to go.

I'm in NY. My divorce was very acrimonious. I was able to take the kids to WDW, Colonial Williamsburg, etc. My ex took them to Boston and to Hershey.

 

[Lorelei Lee]

I should add . . . At least one of those trips was while the divorce was pending.

 

[disneydancemom]

Hi- thanks for the reply- I am relatively sure we'll be divorced by then but of course..you're right..that's not a guarantee. Ugh. He does not *appear* to want to fight anything (except the DW thing) ..but of course he's in a lot of denial that it's all even happening...so who knows how he'll end up being in the end..

 

[Lynne M]

What's your attorney's opinion on this?

 

[disneydancemom]

yes...it would def. help if i asked my lawyer, right? I hadnt officially filed yet, because I wanted to wait until after the holidays, plus my dh wanted a do-it-yourself divorce...which is why I don't think it will drag out too long..we both know what the other one wants and we're not out to get each other.( i think?? then again, i dont know why he is saying "no" to disney...) However, I started getting nervous about some of the *smaller* details (like health insurance,etc) and other things I might not have considered...so I am indeed going the lawyer route very soon...and I will def. bring this up to him. I'll let you know how that goes. thanks!

 

[I Love Pluto]

Go to a lawyer immediately. He IS trying to control you.

Why should you and your children miss out on a trip to Disney because he is being an idiot?!

You seem like a strong woman (from your posts). Don't let anyone take advantage of you. Never, ever beg any man for anything.

Since HE is being uncooperative - let your lawyer handle this pro/con Disney issue. Don't stress over it. You are right, he is not.

Better days are ahead. Take care!

 

[lizabu]

If it's like my divorce it took 1 year just for the custody and support stuff to be sorted out and it was 3 years before I was divorced. Depending on the laws where you live many places require you to be seperated a full year before you can divorce. I just wouldn't tell him about it. He can get a court order to prevent you from moving but if he tried to get a court order to prevent you from going on vacation you would already be back by the time it even got to court.

 

[hereyago]

I did a different route. I wasn't going to wait a year to be separated then can file for divorce before establishing custody.

When exdh left and I chose not to take him back soon after: the first thing i did was petition the court for custody/visitation and child support. Establishing that was more important then the other marriage stuff.

Discuss with your lawyer. and yes no doing a divorce yourself, hate to say it but you may think it may be a "civil" event, but if he is all ready acting a fool about WDW, then you have to have YOUR BACK because he won't.

Good luck to you, it sucks at first but it will get better.

 

[dngnb8]

have your attorney get permission from the courts. It all depends, what is in the judgments

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

From my experience, vacationing out of country requires permission, not vacating out of state. HOWEVER,the problem you may have is that if any legal agreement you have ( separation, divorce) decrees that your ex has rights to your kids on a day that you will be away with them, then you would need his permission absent a court order. So, for example, if your agreement says he has an overnight ever wednesday,and your trip includes a wednesday,he could say you are violating the agreement. Hopefully he would realize what is best for his kids, but must giving you worst case scenario...

 

[Handbag Lady]

yes...it would def. help if i asked my lawyer, right? I hadnt officially filed yet, because I wanted to wait until after the holidays, plus my dh wanted a do-it-yourself divorce...which is why I don't think it will drag out too long..we both know what the other one wants and we're not out to get each other.( i think?? then again, i dont know why he is saying "no" to disney...) However, I started getting nervous about some of the *smaller* details (like health insurance,etc) and other things I might not have considered...so I am indeed going the lawyer route very soon...and I will def. bring this up to him. I'll let you know how that goes. thanks!

Don't go with the do-it-yourself-divorce. Too many of my friends (both male and female) who started these ended up getting hurt all ways to Tuesday. Money, mental issues, stress, and pressure. Then, in three cases, they paid extra money to get a lawyer to fix it all.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

Do NOT do a do-it-yourself divorce. Let him do uncontested if he wants. That's much cheaper and doesn't have to be acrimonious...but YOU file and YOU have a lawyer.

Have your custody worded such that you can take the children for a certain number of weeks during his weekly custody time with 14 days' notice. That way you can have vacations.

At the end of the day, what you do with the kids during your custody time will be pretty much none of his business, barring abuse. And vice versa. It took my ex some time to understand that, he was trying to decide what dvds they were allowed to watch in my home at first, but he calmed down eventually.

 

[bumbershoot]

plus my dh wanted a do-it-yourself divorce...which is why I don't think it will drag out too long..we both know what the other one wants and we're not out to get each other.( i think?? then again, i dont know why he is saying "no" to disney...)

Yep, he's already starting....get the lawyer.



On the softer side, maybe he's just sad to think about you guys going and him not being part of the family unit anymore? You said he's in denial...sounds like the divorce isn't his idea (even if it was his actions that prompted it)? My mom was incredibly sad whenever we went off and did something interesting with my dad; she wanted to be able to provide it, but she couldn't, and they did NOT have the sort of relationship where a trip together was possible (even a few minutes of polite conversation at drop-off wasn't possible for them b/c she was so scared of him and he was so awful to her)...

So maybe it's control, or maybe he's just bummed.



Either way, lawyer-time.

 

[LuLuO]

You need a lawyer. You need your own lawyer and he needs his own lawyer. Don't 'do it yourself' and don't use the same lawyer. Even if he is being as sweet as pie, you need legal representation.

 

[Chelley00]

From my experience, vacationing out of country requires permission, not vacating out of state. HOWEVER,the problem you may have is that if any legal agreement you have ( separation, divorce) decrees that your ex has rights to your kids on a day that you will be away with them, then you would need his permission absent a court order. So, for example, if your agreement says he has an overnight ever wednesday,and your trip includes a wednesday,he could say you are violating the agreement. Hopefully he would realize what is best for his kids, but must giving you worst case scenario...

Not necessarily true. My custody arrangement said the kids could not be taken out of the state without permission of the other parent or the court. If I would have taken my kids to Disney, he could have filed kidnapping charges, and we had an amicable divorce and this was a decree the judge asked the lawyers to put in to protect us both.

Now, if my ex would say I couldn't take the kids to Disney or out of state whatever, I could petition the court to grant the permission. Thankfully my ex never did anything like that, and I didn't either. Just be aware it can be worded that way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hello all....have a question. I am about to file for divorce. I had already booked and paid for a July vacation to Disney World a couple months ago. I had thought my daughters dance team was competing there at that time...due to not enough members being able to afford the trip, the dance company has decided to compete more locally (we are in NJ) . Anyhow- since the trip is already paid, I still want to, and intend to go. I anticipate having primary physical custody, and my dh will have some visitation. He is not very involved in our daughter's lives (7 & 1- they will be 8 & 2 when we leave for DW) . However, he has told me he now does not want me taking them to Disney. He will not give me a reason why. It seems to me he simply wants to control what I do. I even offered for him to come with us, and that I would pay for him to come. He still said no. Has anyone been through a situation like this? What are my options? Is this something I have to get a judge's permission for? I anticipate sharing legal custody with him, but essentially having a sole physical custody with visitation situation with him.

Thanks in advance.

Hi- thanks for the reply- I am relatively sure we'll be divorced by then but of course..you're right..that's not a guarantee. Ugh. He does not *appear* to want to fight anything (except the DW thing) ..but of course he's in a lot of denial that it's all even happening...so who knows how he'll end up being in the end..

yes...it would def. help if i asked my lawyer, right? I hadnt officially filed yet, because I wanted to wait until after the holidays, plus my dh wanted a do-it-yourself divorce...which is why I don't think it will drag out too long..we both know what the other one wants and we're not out to get each other.( i think?? then again, i dont know why he is saying "no" to disney...) However, I started getting nervous about some of the *smaller* details (like health insurance,etc) and other things I might not have considered...so I am indeed going the lawyer route very soon...and I will def. bring this up to him. I'll let you know how that goes. thanks!

Yea, you need your own lawyer and it will probably drag out until you can settle things financially.

As far as the vacay, just make sure you speak with your lawyer so you can hammer out the details.

I am sure your dh wants the money from that and that is why he does not want you to go.

It is always about the money. Good Luck!

 

[2BigKIdz]

From my experience, vacationing out of country requires permission, not vacating out of state. HOWEVER,the problem you may have is that if any legal agreement you have ( separation, divorce) decrees that your ex has rights to your kids on a day that you will be away with them, then you would need his permission absent a court order. So, for example, if your agreement says he has an overnight ever wednesday,and your trip includes a wednesday,he could say you are violating the agreement. Hopefully he would realize what is best for his kids, but must giving you worst case scenario...

My best friend has been divorced since her son was 3 (he is now 19) and they frequently went on vacations with us out of state with out needing permission but when we left the country she did have to have signed permission from his father. I believe she had sole physical custody with shared visitation but I am not certain.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I have to echo - DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT AN ATTORNEY. Trust me - DH and his ex "shared" an attorney and we have spent tens of thousands back in court fixing what the shared attorney did wrong.

You get what you pay for with attorneys.

DH's divorce decree did state that neither parent could take the children out of state before age 5 and she made DH stick to it on the rare occasions that he was allowed to see his kids. His ex, on the other hand, would put the kids on a plane and jet off to see her ex-boyfriend without telling DH even though it was out of state and a violation of the order.

Get EVERYTHING in your order that you can possibly imagine - visitation, support, when support stops, health insurance coverage, extra medical expenses like orthodontics and deductibles, etc... No detail is too minute.

My friend lives on the coast in SC and has a hurricane clause in her custody papers. If there is a hurricane watch or warning then she gets the child no matter what visitation is scheduled.

Good luck. I agree with others that the ex is already starting to manipulate you. Get everything in writing ASAP.