Disciplining child with ADHD

[Poohgirl]

Does anyone have experience with this, that really works?

My DS10 is generally a good kid but he has very bad ADHD and defiance issues. Lately, more then ever, he seems to be going through a stage where he's 10 going on 25 attitude and all doesn't want to cooperate, listen or do as he's asked.

We seem to but heads constantly and he will argue about anything and everything (school work, chores, picking up after himself, being disrespectful, fighting with his brother, you name it) instead of just doing what he is asked. I definitely think it is a control issue. His Dad and I are divorced and he does not act this way for him as he is afraid his Dad will "smack" him. I will not.

I have tried punishments such as taking away TV, videogames, and computer. This just seems to make him angrier and more defiant instead of cooperative.

Im really at a loss. Anyone have techniques that may work? I feel like quite the failure lately...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Have you ever checked out the work of Dr. Ross Green, author of 'The Explosive Child.

You wrote:

I have tried punishments such as taking away TV, videogames, and computer. This just seems to make him angrier and more defiant Im really at a loss. Anyone have techniques that may work? I feel like quite the failure lately...

Here is a post regarding his thoughts and techniques, called 'collaborative problem solving'. I just copied this post from a different forum.

One of this poster's child's diagnosis is ADHD.

__________________________________________________________

Here is a new web address for Ross Green's Collaborative Problem
Solving Institute: http://www.ccps.info


There are three plans to solve these kinds of problems, renamed from
the baskets of the earlier edition of "The Explosive Child."

I appreciated hearing why traditional techniques of rewards and
punishments, back as far as sticker charts, never really worked for
Lewis.


Plan A: Impose adult will (Adult wins -- "You must," "You can't")
Plan B: Collaborative problem solving (Win/win)
Plan C: Drop it (for the moment) (Child wins -- "OK")

Obviously, Greene thinks Plan B is the way to go! There are three
steps to Plan B.

1. Empathy + Reassurance (calms child, makes sure the child's
concern is also on the table)
2. Define the Problem (both sets of concerns are on the table, not
solutions)
3. Invitation (brainstorm solutions together)

It looks easy, but it isn't, and there are many pitfalls along the
way. And it doesn't always work the first time. You may have to start
over if the first solution doesn't work. And, for serious problems
like substance abuse or sexual activity, you will likely have to
revisit the subject numerous times.

They are using CPS(collaborative problem solving) in the juvenile corrections program in the state of Maine, with great success. It has also been used in lockdown psychiatric facilities, where it reduced restrains in one center from
about 43 a month to 0 over the last five years. CPS also works in
schools, and it takes far less time to do than to deal with a major
behavior problem or explosion.

Anyway, that's the gist of his talk. He said it works equally well
for adolescents, although you might have to be more verbal and talk
over the actual process with them. They might even want to read the
book themselves.

I highly recommend "The Explosive Child." I did buy the latest
edition, the third edition, at the workshop, even though I already
had the first edition. Greene said he decided to use plans instead of
baskets because they sounded more serious! The book for educators
will be out this spring.

He was a personable and amusing speaker. The workshop closely
followed the book, so you can "do it yourself." The workshop was
sponsored by a local therapeutic day school for kids with
neurological differences, and they do use CPS in their classrooms.
They are also one of Mel Levine's Schools Attuned. Of course, Lewis
wouldn't be caught dead there! But they are obviously doing wonderful
things. I appreciated that they opened up this workshop to the
community at large.

 

[WDWAurora]

Look into 1-2-3 Magic. Great program

 

[daisyduck123]

deleted

 

[Alison Wonderland]

Have you looked up "oppositional defiant disorder"? One of the things they do is argue and aggravate to get a reaction--they like the reaction even if it is negative. Even if he is not classic "ODD" he may exhibit some of those characteristics. If you notice that he is argueing with you or deliberately annoying you, try not to let the argument go on and on-that is what he wants. And try not to let him see that he has succeeded in annoying you--you could be "rewarding" him and not even realize it. My son does not exactly fit a diagnosis of ODD but he most definitely exhibits some of the characteristics and reading about it and how to react to him has helped me.

 

[Poohgirl]

Thanks for some suggestions. Yes, I do think that he has some ODD traits, always has.

The biggest problem comes from him not following through then he receives a consequence. For example we will "negotiate the terms" or pick a choice, then he won't follow through. I will remind him, and nothing. So after third strike, he will get the consequence that was discussed (such as no TV).

Then come his fireworks. Screaming, crying, slamming doors, not fair, I'm mean, not his fault (never his fault), he's stupid(as he says), somehow I and/or everyone else is responsible for him not being responsible. So I will ignore his behavior until he wants to discuss "like a big boy" and/or do as he said he would.

I feel I maybe being too rigid with him because he is so unfocused, and it may not be completely his "fault" or within his control, but I don't know how to deal without seeming to him like he doesn't have to follow through with what we agreed on. Its very exhausting.