Difficult decisions...( don't know if this is a vent or a cry for help~Oy...

[krcit]

Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[ksjayhawks]

First of all,

When I was growing up, there was a family with a child very similar to yours. They kept him at home and tried caring for him by themselves with the help of their older children. Finally, they realized that they couldn't do it on their own, his needs were tearing their family apart and were shorting the other children of the life they deserved. They placed him a facility where he received loving care and they were able to visit as much as they wanted. It was the best thing all around.

So, don't feel guilty about what you must do. You need to think of your whole family and what is best for all of you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I have a 15 year old son and there is no way I could physically take care of him if I had to. He is about 8" taller than I am and a lot stronger.

Definitely.


I just met a woman who adopted a baby at 2.5 months with some pretty serious diagnoses...he's now 4, and the way she interacts with him made me cry...she just loves him so much...and I'm sure that's how you are with your son. But I'm sure that the woman I met will someday have to make this sort of hard decision, just as you're facing it...to finally be at the point to confront the decision means simply that you're trying to meet his needs better. I learned by watching my aunt neglect herself for years while watching over my grandmother that when you neglect yourself, you ultimately can't be the best care provider...she finally found respite care, and then ultimately my grandma had to go to a more appropriate home for her needs...to me, the difference here is only age (and specific needs, of course). My aunt chose the home for her mom out of love and care, and that's where you'll be coming from too.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Minky - I've read many of your posts about Christian and admire the way you care for him. It's obvious how much you love him and the decision you are making just emphasizes that. I hope everything works out for all of you. It would be so wonderful if you could get him placed in a home where he will be taken care of and you can visit him as much as you want!

 

[AnnaS]

Christian keeps coming over and sitting on my lap, giving me hard hugs. Do you think he knows? We haven't talked about it in his presense. Could he sense our upset, you think? Or maybe he's trying to say "it's okay, mom."

I don't think I can keep reading all the responses right now. Too many tears. A very difficult decision. You must take care of yourselves also to keep going on.

Many hugs to you

 

[mamamary]

 

[Luvchefmic]

My thoughts and prayers are with you

 

[Aristomommy]

I wanted to echo others' sentiment that you are an amazing mom and you clearly love your son.

I hope you can talk with the social workers to come up with a solution. I work with disabled individuals and I know the decisions that caregivers face about their loved ones. My community has amazing resources from day programs to group homes and I hope you find the right fit for you. And just like with many parenting decisions, if the situation doesn't work out, keep trying until you find the right solution. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[bballmom56]

Minky,

You are such a strong woman and mother! But it does sound like it is time for Christian to be in a group home.

My DD works as an asst. manager for an ARC group home. She does this because it is what she LOVES to do. She started out in a group home, tried several other much higher paying jobs (including elem. special ed. teacher, county social worker) and decided that she wants to be back in the group home with the adults. In her agency, the residents are SO well cared for. Staff is required to remember that the house "belongs" to the residents and to treat it that way. In her house of 5 residential men, there are 2 staff on duty 24/7. If there is ever a mark or a bruise or a rash, they are required to make notes and contact a physician. (They see a doctor much more than we do!) They get the residents out into the community as frequently as they can. The agency sponsors all kinds of activities in which the residents can participate such as bowling, swimming, basketball, choir, arts and crafts, etc.

They recently got in a new resident from a situation similar to yours. DD comments on how particular the mother is about his clothes, food, care, etc. and I reminded her that this must have been a very difficult decision for the mom and it is not easy to all of a sudden turn over care of your special needs child to someone else. It just goes against the grain of motherhood. So DD understands and is cutting the mom some slack! But the mom is there quite frequently and they do take him home on some weekends. DD has also developed special relationships with the families of her residents. They are grateful because they know their family member is being treated well and with respect, they are happy and healthy, and the family does not have to shoulder the load alone. Then the time they do spend with the resident is more quality time as the family is not so exhausted.

I hope you can find a situation for Christian as nice as the group homes we have here. If you have any questions, PM me and I can have DD answer you.

Good luck and I will be thinking about you and your family.

 

[FormrCastMbr]

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[JerseyJanice]

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't know what to say.

 

[pixiewings71]

(((HUG))) for everyone in your family Minky.

 

[Kika]

 

[pilesoflaundry]

 

[minkydog]

Definitely.


I learned by watching my aunt neglect herself for years while watching over my grandmother that when you neglect yourself, you ultimately can't be the best care provider...she finally found respite care, and then ultimately my grandma had to go to a more appropriate home for her needs...to me, the difference here is only age (and specific needs, of course). My aunt chose the home for her mom out of love and care, and that's where you'll be coming from too.

We just went through a similar thing last year with MIL. She is very old, 90, and physically failing. She requires help with mobility, bathing, dressing, pretty much everything. Although SIL wanted to take her to her home, DH & I strongly urged to consider a nursing home. We live 400 miles away, so we are no help at all. I had a frank talk with SIL about the meaning of taking care of a dependent adult 24 hours a day. My words were "You're life will never be your own again. Your marriage will be affected, your friendships will be affected. You will never again have a spontaneous weekend away, go on a cruise, or have guests in your home without having to make arrangements for your mother. I don't think you fully understand what your taking on." Ultimately, we prevailed and MIL moved into a very nice nursing home about 6 miles from SIL. DH calls his mom several times a week and SIL stops in about once a day to visit. It's the best of both worlds.

I liken this decision to the one we are forced to make now. We have no relatives or friends who are able or willing to help with him. BIL recently had a tantrum while we were visiting them and blurted out "You need to move back down here and HELP YOUR SISTER take care of her mother. It's not fair!" DH eyed him carefully and said, "You're right, it's not fair. I tell you what, let's negotiate. We'll sell our house and move to Florida. We'll take a week taking care of Mom, and YOU CAN TAKE A WEEK WITH CHRISTIAN." Yeah, he backed right off of that...

Minky,



They recently got in a new resident from a situation similar to yours. DD comments on how particular the mother is about his clothes, food, care, etc. and I reminded her that this must have been a very difficult decision for the mom and it is not easy to all of a sudden turn over care of your special needs child to someone else. It just goes against the grain of motherhood. So DD understands and is cutting the mom some slack! But the mom is there quite frequently and they do take him home on some weekends. DD has also developed special relationships with the families of her residents. They are grateful because they know their family member is being treated well and with respect, they are happy and healthy, and the family does not have to shoulder the load alone. Then the time they do spend with the resident is more quality time as the family is not so exhausted.

This is exactly how I envision it for us. I'm pretty overprotective of Christian so I will have to guard against being a pest. I think we will enjoy him so much more when we can be relieved of the daily physical burden and concentrate on just being with him.

I had a long talk with DD17 today, to bring her up to speed. She as very mature and understanding about the plan. I didn't think she would be upset,that's not her style. She's very pragmatic. I made sure she understood that we wanted to place Christian so that she and DS23 would not have to take him into their homes and be responsible for him, especially when they'll be raising a family of their own. I told her that I expected the two of them to see that Christian has Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgivings,etc, and warm clothes, dental work, sensible shoes, and the occasional toy. And she agreed that she would do that.

I know that's a lot to put on a 17yo, but I felt it needed to be said. I want her to go off to college next year with the knowledge that we are not only taking care of Christian,but we're taking care of her and John in the long term.

 

[barneynshorty]

 

[MELSMICE]

Just want to offer some support. You are an awesome mom who loves her son very much.

 

[SeaSpray]

Just want to offer some support. You are an awesome mom who loves her son very much.