Difference in parenting or age??

[Christine]

Lots of kids never play with dolls...period. My DD *never* wanted a doll and dolls weren't big with me either. I can honestly say that, surely, at 10 years old, there was no thought of dolls. It wasn't a maturity thing or a developmental issue. She, and many girls she knew, were just not into dolls.

While some of the issues here are definitely age differences, some of them are personality things too. That 10 year old may never get to the same place as that 13 year old because it's just not her personality.

Heck, some 40-year-old women I know are still into dolls and stuffed animals and "kid" type things but it has nothing to do with age or development.

 

[KAMKIM]

I'm trying to figure out if my DD and niece are totally on different wave lengths because of their age or I have a different parenting than the in-laws. What do you think??

My DD:
10 years old
still plays American Girl dolls
loves Disney
plays with her younger sister and actually enjoys it (most of the time)
listens to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, etc...
has MP3
Does not have cell phone, tv in room or free access to computer, not on face book
private Christian school
no make-up


My niece:
13 years old
hates Disney; thinks it's for babies
only child; acts uniterested around my kids
listens to rap, hard rock
has 3rd ipod, 6th cell phone,on facebook with tons of pictures posted, tv and computer in bedroom
private Christian school
wears dark eye liner around eyes
whenever we have a family function she either doesn't come because she is at a friend's house or shows up with a friend in toe.

I know some of these are differences in how we raise our kids. Yet are some of the attributes I mentioned about my niece common for 13 year olds? I'm trying to find a happy medium as time marches on and I'm wondering how other 13 year olds behave.

Your neice is a normal 13 year old girl. Kudos to your inlaws for raising an expressive and confident young girl

 

[Scurvy]

Actually, it's a perfect answer. My strong reaction is that I think it is totally inappropriate for my 13 year old DD to wear. For someone else that has different ideas, it may be fine. IMO, dark makeup has no place on a middle school student. I'm pretty sure I am not the only mother who thinks this as most girls around here that age do not wear heavy makeup. If it is to get the dark, broody, emo look, she can do that without heavy makeup, especially when at school.

Jrmasm, maybe you missed the bolded. That doesn't sound judgemental to me.

Actually, no it wasn't. The rest of your reply above is an answer.

And your answer, when you finally provided it, is exactly what I expected.

I find it interesting that you had a cow when someone suggested that it's not normal for a 13 year old to still play with dolls. But then you're just as judgmental when it comes to make up and 13 years olds.

Whatever.

Do you seriously not see the difference between someone suggesting a child has developmental delays because they still like dolls and someone who thinks that eyeliner is not age-appropriate for 13 year olds?


For what it's worth, xoprincessmomxo, your opinion is well within the norm in my experience.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Actually, no it wasn't. The rest of your reply above is an answer.

And your answer, when you finally provided it, is exactly what I expected.

I find it interesting that you had a cow when someone suggested that it's not normal for a 13 year old to still play with dolls. But then you're just as judgmental when it comes to make up and 13 years olds.

Whatever.

Have a cow? Seriously, I was more joking than anything. But, whatever. Take it as you want.

I'll take it further. 13 year olds have no business trying to look sexy, which dark eye liner is part of. It doesn't make them look good, or more grown up. It makes them look tacky and like a little girl playing dress up. IMO, a little blush a lipgloss is all they need to wear at that age. Oh, and I need to add IMO.

Would I ever call someone out as being a "bad parent" because they let their DD wear it. Of course not! Personally, I hate throwing the "bad parent" label out on anybody. Different parenting, yes. But as long as a child is healthy, happy, and well adjusted for their age...then they're parents are doing something right.

 

[2girlsmom]

I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old, both girls, DRASTICALLY different. My kids have always had tv in their rooms, though we do have controls on their tvs and do monitor what they watch, mostly both my kids still watch Disney, Nick, ABCFamily (mostly the older stuff), and my 9 year old is very into Food Network shows lately. They do both have cell phones, which are locked to only allow calls to/from their contact lists, which started out with just family members (me, dh, my parents, sister, etc). They got them for emergencies after the school put them on the wrong buses (not the same wrong bus either) last year so they could reach us if needed. I have since added a couple of my 11 year old's friends #'s in her contact list, and she talks to them on the phone a couple evenings a week, she hates texting. My 9 year old only has the family in the phone but she loves texting and texts me and dh frequently.

In a lot of ways my 11 year old is still into more of the "younger" stuff than my 9 year old, she still likes Hannah and adores Demi Lovato & Selena Gomez, likes HSM, etc. My youngest has decided this year that she is not into Hannah anymore, however she carries a baby doll around with her most of the time. She is very into Taylor Swift. Neither has an IPOD brand, both have MP3 (9yr old has a mix stick and 11 yr old has a Sansa shaker) because they like having their own music. I didn't like to listen to all the same music as my parents when I was a kid either, so I don't blame them, my husband listens to country or rock, I listen to a little of most things, depends on my mood. Both my kids listen to classical music at night to go to sleep, have been to ballets, opera, etc.

I guess, OP, what I am saying is that part of the differences are personality, and part are age differences between 10 and 13, I'm sure. Is your neice overindulged? Possibly in some ways. Do you limit your dd? Maybe a little, but you know your child and it is your right to parent your way. We haven't started with makeup yet at our house, though most of the girls here seem to start with a little blush, eye shadow and lip gloss in 4th or 5th grade. The girls thus far only want lip gloss and that only rarely. I don't wear a lot of makeup either, but can remember being in 9th grade and not allowed to wear makeup, and we would sneak it to school, I guess that's not a battle I think I would fight. Now as far as being allowed not to participate with the family, I would not allow that one either, but I guess they know their child too...

 

[KAMKIM]

Oh please, you know what I meant. Sure as an adult, I like Disney movies. I own all of them but 13 year old girls aren't 'into' them. It IS something that comes back with age but in 7th-8th grade...eh, not so much.

And I'm not talking about collecting dolls. I'm talking about PLAYING dolls. I'm sorry but I didn't know any 13 year old who PLAYED dolls. They didn't stroll them around and play mommy. Sure they might have had them, on a shelf, what ever but it wasn't something they played with. And you can think I'm judgmental but I would absolutely think there was something off about an 8th grader who was playing baby with American Girl dolls.

I agree I stopped playing mommy at age 9 or 10.

 

[NMAmy]

Thank you for the great and thoughtful replies.
Let me address a few points. Someone asked if my DD wanted these things (cell,tv, etc....)and was not allowed to have them. She wants a cell phone but I'm not ready to go there yet. As for the rest she really doesn't and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Does she not want them because of age? Believe me I'm not complaining about that.

I'd say that most likely she's not requesting the other stuff because of her age.

Someone said it sounds like I disapprove of the way my niece is being raised. I can be honest and say yes; some I think is over indulgence. BUT I'm asking myself the same question. Am I too limiting with my DD's? I want to know if my niece is the norm and should I give my girls a little wiggle room to breathe.

I think a few of you also brought up another great point about personality which I really did not think about.

Only you can know if you're too limiting with your kids. One thing I grew to realize with my dd was that as long as it wasn't hurting anything and we could comfortably afford it, saying no just as a knee jerk reaction was counterproductive. She could present her reasoning for wanting something or wanting to do something and I would consider if it was something I really wanted to stand my ground on or if it didn't really matter in the big scheme of things.

So I would say no to bad grades and drugs and staying out until hours and going places that I didn't approve of and yes to things like dark eyeliner and weird music and a tv in her bedroom. As long as dd was being a good kid, getting good grades, and following my rules, I would compromise on the other stuff occasionally.

My mother said something interesting to my niece's husband who thinks I am too lenient as a parent. His daughters are 4 and 6. Mine is 18. She told him, "There is a world of difference between parenting a child and parenting a teenage girl. Don't be so quick to criticize someone until you've actually had to do it yourself." Of course, my mom HAS raised teen girls so she feels quite free to criticize me but I was shocked that she stood up for me on this one.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have a cow? Seriously, I was more joking than anything. But, whatever. Take it as you want.

I'll take it further. 13 year olds have no business trying to look sexy, which dark eye liner is part of. It doesn't make them look good, or more grown up. It makes them look tacky and like a little girl playing dress up. IMO, a little blush a lipgloss is all they need to wear at that age.

Wow that is pretty harsh. I don't equate make up with SEX. I look at it as a way to enhance appearance, cover up zits, etc..

I wonder what you would say about my 12yodd being an atheist?

 

[Scurvy]

Wow that is pretty harsh. I don't equate make up with SEX. I look at it as a way to enhance appearance, cover up zits, etc..

I wonder what you would say about my 12yodd being an atheist?

Do athiest 12 year olds typically wear heavy eye makeup?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do athiest 12 year olds typically wear heavy eye makeup?

I don't know. Maybe you can post a poll.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm trying to figure out if my DD and niece are totally on different wave lengths because of their age or I have a different parenting than the in-laws. What do you think??

My DD:
10 years old
still plays American Girl dolls
loves Disney
plays with her younger sister and actually enjoys it (most of the time)
listens to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, etc...
has MP3
Does not have cell phone, tv in room or free access to computer, not on face book
private Christian school
no make-up


My niece:
13 years old
hates Disney; thinks it's for babies
only child; acts uniterested around my kids
listens to rap, hard rock
has 3rd ipod, 6th cell phone,on facebook with tons of pictures posted, tv and computer in bedroom
private Christian school
wears dark eye liner around eyes
whenever we have a family function she either doesn't come because she is at a friend's house or shows up with a friend in toe.

I know some of these are differences in how we raise our kids. Yet are some of the attributes I mentioned about my niece common for 13 year olds? I'm trying to find a happy medium as time marches on and I'm wondering how other 13 year olds behave.

Well, obviously, not all, or even most, 13 year olds act exactly the way the OP's neice does. Everyone is different.

And, what a stretch to begin to compare a younger child with a teenager.


I just sounds like the OP is looking to be judgemental.
In fact, everything about the original post is very very judgemental.
It is really not one's place to judge.

While I may see things that I do not agree with in how the 13 year old behaves and/or is parented,
I will refrain from saying anything at all that could be construed as enabling the OP to feel justified in self-righteous judgement.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Do athiest 12 year olds typically wear heavy eye makeup?

Mine wears mascara once in a while and eye liner if she HAS to on stage

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Wow that is pretty harsh. I don't equate make up with SEX. I look at it as a way to enhance appearance, cover up zits, etc..

I wonder what you would say about my 12yodd being an atheist?

WHOA! What does atheism have to do with makeup?

Ok, to put it in calmer terms...

There's a difference in makeup to cover up zits and enhance appearance. Black eyeliner does not cover anything up, and I consider it more of a "night out " look, not a school look. But, that's my opinion. It bothers me to see little girls trying so hard to look older and impress the opposite sex by the way they look at such a young age, and sometimes makeup plays into that. You can definitely tell a difference. There's a definite contrast between fresh makeup and vamp makeup.

Man, I'm beginning to sound like such a prude....I'm really not, I swear! I felt like my answer earlier was shot down and ridiculed, and being hotheaded, I typed without thinking it out clearly. Message boards get the better of me sometimes.

As for your DD's atheism....more power to her if she is happy with her beliefs. My husband's agnostic, and I would never judge someone based on their religion, just their eyeliner, lol.

 

[sbell111]

What exactly does she have her friends do to her toes? That sounds like it might be a little freaky, but the other stuff all seems normal to me.

 

[Kitzka]

I think it's more to do with their age and the fact that 1 is an only child.

My DD is 11 and is more into the things that your neice is into BUT is also into some of the things your 10 year old is into.

DD is very tech savy and ahs her own laptop. She is a budding dancer/filmmaker and uses both the video camera and computer to edit and create her own videos. sometimes they star her friends or her puppets or dolls.

That being said some of your neice's behavior stems from being an only child. We often will bring a friend along for DD when we do things (whether it be family or not) and my DD while appreciates younger children, never seeks them out. she actually doesn't have the patience to play with them. Part of that is her personality and i think part of it is from being an only child. They are just not use to having younger or even older children around.

Most of the 13-14 year olds that are at DD's dance school are wearing eyeliner. some are trying togo for that smokey look others dont know how to apply it. when DD is ready i will take her to a make up counter and have them show her how to apply make up.


Lara

 

[Scurvy]

As for your DD's atheism....more power to her if she is happy with her beliefs. My husband's agnostic, and I would never judge someone based on their religion, just their eyeliner, lol.

I love this!

What exactly does she have her friends do to her toes? That sounds like it might be a little freaky, but the other stuff all seems normal to me.

Maybe they are painting her toenails with dark, inappropriate colors?

 

[RadioNate]

Have a cow? Seriously, I was more joking than anything. But, whatever. Take it as you want.

I'll take it further. 13 year olds have no business trying to look sexy, which dark eye liner is part of. It doesn't make them look good, or more grown up. It makes them look tacky and like a little girl playing dress up. IMO, a little blush a lipgloss is all they need to wear at that age. Oh, and I need to add IMO.

Would I ever call someone out as being a "bad parent" because they let their DD wear it. Of course not! Personally, I hate throwing the "bad parent" label out on anybody. Different parenting, yes. But as long as a child is healthy, happy, and well adjusted for their age...then they're parents are doing something right.

WHOA! What does atheism have to do with makeup?

Ok, to put it in calmer terms...

There's a difference in makeup to cover up zits and enhance appearance. Black eyeliner does not cover anything up, and I consider it more of a "night out " look, not a school look. But, that's my opinion. It bothers me to see little girls trying so hard to look older and impress the opposite sex by the way they look at such a young age, and sometimes makeup plays into that. You can definitely tell a difference. There's a definite contrast between fresh makeup and vamp makeup.

Man, I'm beginning to sound like such a prude....I'm really not, I swear! I felt like my answer earlier was shot down and ridiculed, and being hotheaded, I typed without thinking it out clearly. Message boards get the better of me sometimes.

As for your DD's atheism....more power to her if she is happy with her beliefs. My husband's agnostic, and I would never judge someone based on their religion, just their eyeliner, lol.

I think something you've said in both these posts sums up the parenting differences well ... "little girls."

I don't think a 13 year old is a little girl. Therefor, I don't think they should be treated like, or act like little girls.

You still see them as little girls, which is fine. It is just different than how I would view a 13 year old.

I think that is the same difference between the OP and her niece's parents.

It isn't right or wrong per say just different.

 

[jrmasm]

Jrmasm, maybe you missed the bolded. That doesn't sound judgemental to me.


Do you seriously not see the difference between someone suggesting a child has developmental delays because they still like dolls and someone who thinks that eyeliner is not age-appropriate for 13 year olds?


For what it's worth, xoprincessmomxo, your opinion is well within the norm in my experience.

Read the sentence below your bold. It's very judgmental.

Whether there is a difference is irrelevent. The poster that I was addressing felt attacked for being different and then turned around and acted the same way towards a group that is different from her.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I think something you've said in both these posts sums up the parenting differences well ... "little girls."

I don't think a 13 year old is a little girl. Therefor, I don't think they should be treated like, or act like little girls.

You still see them as little girls, which is fine. It is just different than how I would view a 13 year old.

I think that is the same difference between the OP and her niece's parents.

It isn't right or wrong per say just different.

I think you're right. I do view them as little girls. Also, it could have something to do with where each person lives. I grew up in a small town and live in a small town (think rural Iowa). Most middle school children here are not wearing heavy makeup, in fact, neither are most of the high school students! There's a few, but the vast majority have the fresh, clean makeup looks without the dark eyeliner. I've lived in big cities, but that was before I had children of my own so I didn't really pay attention to the fashion trends of young people. Even if I was in a big city, I would say no on the eye liner before high school, but I also might be more used to it when I did see it. That pre-teen/ early teen is so hard. They are still little girls in many ways, but they are also blossoming into adults. It's a very fine line parents have to walk....

 

[jrmasm]

WHOA! What does atheism have to do with makeup?

Ok, to put it in calmer terms...

There's a difference in makeup to cover up zits and enhance appearance. Black eyeliner does not cover anything up, and I consider it more of a "night out " look, not a school look. But, that's my opinion. It bothers me to see little girls trying so hard to look older and impress the opposite sex by the way they look at such a young age, and sometimes makeup plays into that. You can definitely tell a difference. There's a definite contrast between fresh makeup and vamp makeup.

Man, I'm beginning to sound like such a prude....I'm really not, I swear! I felt like my answer earlier was shot down and ridiculed, and being hotheaded, I typed without thinking it out clearly. Message boards get the better of me sometimes.

As for your DD's atheism....more power to her if she is happy with her beliefs. My husband's agnostic, and I would never judge someone based on their religion, just their eyeliner, lol.

That's cool. Just don't get upset when you are judged because you still play with dolls.