Did you change your last name when you got married?

[Pigeon]

It was never even a thought to NOT change my last name. I want the same last name as my kids. Forget even trying to travel overseas with kids that have a different last name then you.....happened to a family member of mine. And I will tell my daughter she should change her name too whenever she gets married. No joke, everyone I know who did not take their husbands last name are divorced! Some women have such issues with independency, when marriage isn't an independency, it is the joining of 2 people to start a new life together....not separate. Don't even get me started on separate bank accounts!!! Lol!

I've traveled internationally with my kids many times and we have different last names. Absolutely no problems at all. And we'll be blissfully married 30 years this summer. And we do have a separate bank account or two.

Using your logic about the joing of two people etc., why is it always assumed that it's the woman who has to lose her name? Why shouldn't it be the man?

 

[lspst8]

It was never even a thought to NOT change my last name. I want the same last name as my kids. Forget even trying to travel overseas with kids that have a different last name then you.....happened to a family member of mine. And I will tell my daughter she should change her name too whenever she gets married. No joke, everyone I know who did not take their husbands last name are divorced! Some women have such issues with independency, when marriage isn't an independency, it is the joining of 2 people to start a new life together....not separate. Don't even get me started on separate bank accounts!!! Lol!

We have separate bank accounts too ..... some joint savings accounts, but our checking accounts are separate.

Whenever people say something about "starting a new life together," I always wonder why the husband and wife don't get to pick out a new name together then. The man doesn't have to even worry about his name, and no one accuses him of not loving his wife, or being devoted, or planning on divorcing her. Plenty of marriages with joint accounts and names divorce each year too.

 

[SaraJayne]

You're my hero, returning the mail to your MIL! I got a card from my MIL one time addressed to "Mrs John Smith". I gave it to DH, unopened, and said "My name isn't John...this must be yours." I think he told her, because she never did it again. I remember looking around thinking "My MIL is here? "

Even after 13 years, when I hear Mrs. XX, I still look around for my MIL. I prefer to be called by my first name.

 

[NotUrsula]

It was never even a thought to NOT change my last name. I want the same last name as my kids. Forget even trying to travel overseas with kids that have a different last name then you.....happened to a family member of mine. And I will tell my daughter she should change her name too whenever she gets married. No joke, everyone I know who did not take their husbands last name are divorced! Some women have such issues with independency, when marriage isn't an independency, it is the joining of 2 people to start a new life together....not separate. Don't even get me started on separate bank accounts!!! Lol!

Well ....

I travel overseas extensively with my children, and we don't share a surname. I've been doing it at least once a year for 12 years now, and I've never had a problem. Their passports are current and say that I'm their mother, and their father gives notarized permission for them to travel -- that has to be done regardless of whether the name is the same or not, unless both parents are coming along on the same itinerary.

I've been married for 19 years and 6 months -- I'd say that's a fairly long marriage.

and the kicker ...

We maintain separate bank accounts. Always have, always will. Technically they are joint accounts for estate purposes, but we don't have access to the other's accounts in daily use. The account codes are in the safe if they are needed, but in 20 years neither of us has ever opened the envelope.

 

[blana]

I changed mine. Never considered otherwise. My name now is First Middle Maiden Last. When signing anything I use both middle initials, but when asked for a (single) middle name or initial I give my maiden name/initial. Been married 10 years & am still happy about my decision.

 

[dislal]

When Dh and I married 16 years ago I took his last name, now thinking back on it I wish I would have hypenated my maiden name with his.

 

[disykat]

I have to comment about people saying it'd be like changing their first name. People like to joke that I DID change my first name too when I married!

I have always gone by my first name at work/school and by a nick name of my middle name in my family. DH met me by my nick name and has always called me that. When we moved to a new community people naturally called me what dh called me. Now almost everyone calls me by my nickname and I got used to it so when I returned to work after being a SAHM I used it professionally as well. In my old district I was first name, maiden name. In my new district I'm nick name, married name.

I often end up using first name, nick name, given name, married name to identify myself - because it's confusing! Honestly though, it hasn't changed MY identity one bit.

 

[Disney Doll]

I changed to DH's last name.
We're kind of old-fashioned, as are both our families. My parents would have had heart attack if I had married DH and not taken his name.

 

[Daisy&Max]

I chose to have my two children on my own and so I gave them my birth last name because of that. Now I have an SO who is talking about what we would do if we got married. Personally, I don't see any reason for people who are almost 40 to get married if you don't plan on having kids but that's another story. But he told me that he would want me to take his name if we did get married. I have no desire to change my name because it is the same as my children and being boys they will more than likely keep the family name. So as it stands IF I got married I would definately keep my birth name.

Daisy

 

[TwinsinCA]

I changed mine and am glad I did. It makes life easier to have our family with one last name. I wanted there to be no doubt that dh and I are married (that may not matter to some, but it matters to me) and that my kids are MY kids when I'm at their school, etc.

At the beginning of the school year I was helping the teachers organize all that beginning of the year school paperwork. There were several kids who do not share a name with their mom and it made it difficult to know which form belonged with which kid. Don't assume that if your name is Sherry Johnson that everyone will know Dylan Smith is your kid!

 

[bumbershoot]

I did not change my last name, and neither did my husband.

We considered finding a new name to start our family, as I had a colleague who did just that and it was pretty cool, but I like my last name and we couldn't figure out one that worked well for our minds.

We considered swapping last names with each kid, but decided to hyphenate instead, and since we've only had the one so far, that works.

I will say, though, that hubby continues to consider changing his last name to mine. Turns out his dad and the others in his paternal line weren't such nice guys, and he doesn't have much of a tie to it. We'd leave DS's name the same though, b/c FIL was a nice grandfather, even if a bad dad and awful husband.

But for now there are three of us and three last names! We have a good sense of humor about it, and except for people who really really SHOULD know last names (people we pay and have records of us, for instance), we don't ever mind it when people use the wrong name. Oh wait, I do get annoyed by family members who should notice that we sign with all three names on return address areas of envelopes, etc, and who have been TOLD of our names, but continue to just type DH's last name...haven't yet said anything to them...but I figure if I can keep in my head maiden names turned into married names in my head, my friends and family should be able to do the same!



I should state that we had this all worked out well BEFORE we got married...cannot imagine having such conversations once the deal was done!

 

[caitty13]

I didn't change my name. I considered changing my last name to my middle name but decided against it. Both my children have my husbands last name though.

 

[NikitaZee]

I'm enjoying this thread.

I took my husband's last name. I grew up with a long and funny sounding last name and always hoped to marry someone with a name I liked. I did - I love our name.

 

[bumbershoot]

Now that I've read more than just the original post...

I will be changing my name when I get married in April. It was a pretty easy decision to make as he and I are going to start our OWN family. While of course I'm still part of my parents' family, it's going to be time for me to move on.

And is your husband doing the same?

I also didn't want to deal with his parents (or mine), who wouldn't be happy about it, but would have had to go along with it if that's what I chose.

I did change my name, and I regret it.

I support you if you change it back.

FWIW, my MIL (and FIL when he was alive) had NO idea that I hadn't changed my name.

When we got married, we took our marriage certificate into our credit union, said we might be getting checks from any combo of last names, and they took a copy, put it in our file, and it was NOT a problem.

However, since MIL is Korean, money is actually given in cash, so it was doubly not a problem, while she still had money to give.

It's possible she has figured out that DS is hyphenated, and from there figured out I kept my name, but who really knows. Or cares!

I definitely didn't want a hyphenated name. I just don't like the sound of them, especially with longer last names, and then what happens with the next generation? Do the kids of two hyphenated parents get a four name long hyphenation?

I'm always intrigued by the whole hyphenating the names thing. What if Mr Wilson and Miss Jones become Mr and Mrs Wilson-Jones and produce little Wilson-Joneses, and Mr Brown marries Miss Thompson and they have little Brown-Thompsons. And then Mr Wilson-Jones wants to marry Miss Brown-Thompson and neither of THEM want to change? Do we then end up with Mr and Mrs Wilson-Jones-Brown-Thompson??? Just seems to be a delaying tactic to me - someone somewhere has to jump one way or the other.

That's not my business. If he wishes to change his name at any point once he's an adult, he can have at it! It's not my business what he does with his name, just as it wasn't the in laws' business what we did with our names, or my dad's business (my mom was already dead) what we did (though I find it intriguing that all women who marry into that family change their names, and all women born into the family do NOT change their names).

I told my mother-in-law that I was keeping my given name because I wanted all my old boyfriends to be able to find me.

Oh that is too funny!!!

I'm just so glad we all have a choice now. That's the best part!

Agreed. I feel like there was a time where women were pressured to not take their husband's last name, just as in previous generations it was assumed a women would take the husband's last name. It seems as though we are finally getting around to a happy medium.

This is all very American/Western centric, of course. In Korea, women don't traditionally change their names. MIL did b/c she married an old school American man, but her sisters didn't do anything with their names.

I got married 4 months ago and I haven't changed my name either!

Having the same last name helps up be united and it feels so good!

Since you haven't yet done it yet...just so you know...living together, having dinner together, just being together is what unites a family. My son has NEVER been confused by having a hyphenated name...he can point to me for the B part of his name, and to hubby for the W part. In fact I'll say "I'm the B in his name" to people.

I grew up with divorce. My mom was Judy C until she got married at 17. Became Judy B. Was Judy B until she married another C, and became Judy C again. Those were the "fun" years when educated people (teachers) just couldn't ever remember to check their info sheets and kept using B for her...didn't instill much confidence in them, let me tell you! And set it in my head that I would not do something just for the convenience of the teachers; if they couldn't at least remember to make a note, ya know? Then they divorced and she became Judy M when she remarried.

And yet I ALWAYS knew she was my mom, because that's where we lived, she fed us, she was our mom...and I knew my dad was my dad, even in the years I barely saw him, because I knew he was my dad! Not b/c of a name.

We could all have completely different last names in this world, and we'd know our family, we'd know where we belonged...having grown up sharing a name with my mom for only 9 years, I can tell you names aren't the uniting factor.

So figure out what your heart wants you to do...not based on something from the outside uniting you, not based on what's the biggest pain (the SS stuff vs deciding if you want to correct people in the future, for instance), not based on what in laws might think (again, my in laws have NEVER asked, and there's never been an occasion for it to come up in conversation!)...but what you truly want to do in your heart.

 

[hellokitty86]

We've been married for 4 years and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I wouldn't mind changing my last name to DH's. The only problem is, his last name is very close in spelling & pronuniciation to my first. Several people have commented that they wouldn't change to his last name if they were me....:complete strangers! I thought that was rude but I guess it's to be expected.

I've thought about hyphenating, but it makes things confusing on bills and at Dr.'s offices. The only thing I can think of now is to add my maiden name as a second middle name, and go by both names... If I did that, I would also do that for my kids names- it bothers me that they would have a different last name than me for some reason.

I've tried to convince DH to take my last name as it would solve this whole problem, but he isn't budging.

 

[GingerJay]

What a great thread!!!

When I married (8 years ago), I did not take my husbands name, although all three of our children did. It is generally not an issue with my husband (although he hates to be called Mr. Mylast name )...AND it's not such a big deal to be the "odd man out" in my family with my last name...I had this name my whole life and I didn't see a reason to change it when I married.

And, I'm just as married either way

 

[SydSim]

It was never even a thought to NOT change my last name. I want the same last name as my kids. Forget even trying to travel overseas with kids that have a different last name then you.....happened to a family member of mine. And I will tell my daughter she should change her name too whenever she gets married. No joke, everyone I know who did not take their husbands last name are divorced! Some women have such issues with independency, when marriage isn't an independency, it is the joining of 2 people to start a new life together....not separate. Don't even get me started on separate bank accounts!!! Lol!

OMG! That is too funny, because 90% of the people that I know who kept their previous name, and added their DH's are STILL married! And you are so right when you say that marriage is 2 people starting a new life together - not just the wife starting her life in her husband's family. Which is why combining both names signifies the joining!

Me, I have both names. DH has both names (professionally) and DD has both names. DH and I got married and created a new family- and we all have the same new family name.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Just thinking, after reading some of these posts. I bet my ILs would have had a big issue if I had kept my maiden name. But if my DDs choose to keep their maiden name (DH's and ILs' last name), they'd feel all sorts of proud.

 

[purplegirl247]

We'll be married for three years in April (together for almost 8!) and I'm hyphenated as MyLastName-HisLastName. Partially because MyLastName dies with our generation, since all my dad's brothers had girls. Partially because we're not planning on having kids, so we won't have to worry about what to name them (and good grief, if you think this thread is back-and-forth, just think of all the grief we get about choosing not to have kids, lol). Partially because I just really like his name and really like my name!

And for what it's worth, we have always had separate checking accounts. Totally works for us.

I like what an earlier poster said: it's great that we all have choices now. Minimized pressure to change your name, minimized pressure to keep your name. Love it that we're all getting along!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

And while I'm here ...

My sister has been married and divorced twice...the first time, she changed her name, and the second time, after having changed it back to her maiden name in between marriages, she kept her maiden name.

Which proves...absolutely nothing about the marriages/divorces of those who change their names vs those who don't.