Did I Overreact?

[Beth76]

OP, I can totally sympathize. Jerry Seinfeld was in town one night on my birthday. That would have been the best present ever that DH could have gotten for me. Well he screwed it up because he was working late the night before the tix went on sale and slept right through the ticket sales (they sold out in an hour).

So I can totally understand your disappointment this evening. HOWEVER, I would not have cancelled the whole evening. You could have postponed the meeting time or just rearranged things. You knew he was going to be coming home--just a little bit later. I'm sorry your evening was ruined, but I think you jumped the gun in cancelling your entire evening.

I think he just didn't want me to go out by myself and leave him with the kids, so he passive-aggressively found a way to make me cancel my night.

I think this is quite a harsh statement. Do you really think he would intentionally ruin your evening, not to mention your girlfriends? And to actually go so far as to get in his car and start driving to work?

 

[PirateKitty]

I'd be !

But here's wishing you a .

 

[HoneyPooh]

Tell your DH we're on our way over and WE'RE LOOKING FOR HIM

Sorry your plans got ruined. My B-day was yesterday and instead of a night in Atlantic City I ended up cleaning up from a busted pipe in my laundry room

 

[KristinBelle]

While what he did was really jerky, I think you did overreact by cancelling right away. But I probably would've done the same thing so I can totally relate.

 

[Michie]

Is you hubby on call 24 hours a day? If so, I can understand.

My husband is on call 24 hours. So there have been countless missed birthdays, his included, Mothers Days, and Fathers Days; it just comes with his job.

Happpy Birthday!!!

 

[sydally9367]

If there was a slight possibility he could "pull strings" and find a replacement for him (instead of him having to go into work) he should have told you so. That way, you would have had a slight window between the possibility of him finding someone else to go into work and you cancelling your evening.

I would be VERY angry also..I hope you find a way to enjoy your Birthday!!

 

[RNMOM]

I would feel the same way you do. It is so hard to get time to yourself and on such a special day, that makes it even more important.

Try to get some space. Maybe go to a movie by yourself or with one of your friends that might still be free. Get away from him for a while. Even if you just go wander around Walmart and buy yourself a video....get some time to think.

In the big picture, these things are small but when you are trying to do something special that you have planned for and looked forward to, it is a big thing. I hope you can work this out. Remember, he didn't intend to cause you hurt but sometimes it works out that way. Love and marriage involves a lot of give and take and often is seems we women are the ones who give the most and take the least.

We are here for you and I hope you can manage to salvage a little pleasure tonight. Happy birthday, you are special to your friends here. I am SURE you are special to your family and friends in RL too.

 

[JunieJay]

In all fairness to the OP's husband, it isn't always possible to take children to the workplace.

I agree. Nor is it always possible to turn your back on work responsibilities. If that had happened with us, I would have chalked it up to "stuff happens". I would absolutely be disappointed, but I don't think I would be livid about something like a work obligation, unless it was a matter of him just not prioritizing his time correctly or working late when he didn't really have to work late.

OP, sorry your birthday turned out like it did. I hope you'll find the time to celebrate with your friends and family in spite of today's events.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Then at 5:30 he calls and tells me that he made a bunch of phone calls in the car on the way there, and was able to take care of the problem, so he's turning around and will be home in ten or fifteen minutes.

And he's mad at me for cancelling. He said he could make it back in time, (he couldn't - it would have been impossible) and I shouldn't have cancelled. And I should just call everyone back and say the plans are on again.

I guess from my POV....I wouldn't have cancelled...you say he couldn't make it b/c it was impossible...sounds like he did his darnedest to make it happen and would have been home in plenty of time.

My hubby often gets upset when he says something will be taken care of..by whatever deadline..and then I take it upon myself to not believe him and make modifications without consulting him.

If you are close to your friends--it probably woudln't have been a big deal to just call them back. But I can understand that it would be very awkward and I too would have left the plans cancelled at that point.


I don't think it is his fault b/c he had to take care of something at work. Sometimes work..despite our best plans...disrupts life b/c it is part of the job.

I think his "overreacting" comment is more in reference to the hastiness of cancelling the plans.

Hope despite all this you were able to have a Happy Birthday.

 

[ilovejack02]

I think this is quite a harsh statement. Do you really think he would intentionally ruin your evening, not to mention your girlfriends? And to actually go so far as to get in his car and start driving to work?

Actually not that harsh, I have two very close friends whose husband's both do passive aggressive crap like that. Its the most amazing thing i have ever seen. One of the girls finally got the hint that if we planned a girls night that she had to get her own sitter and NEVER rely on her DH to be home on time and its been fine since then. His thing was that he just didnt want to be home with the kids by himself, but didnt mind our girls nights. The other girl hasnt started doing that so she is just always late or has to cancel. We have started going out later so she can put the kids to bed and then meet us. I dont understand it.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I would have been upset initially. Then I would have gotten really mad after he tried to blame me. I think he might feel guilty and is just not wanting to accept responsibility. After I stopped being mad, then I'd be hurt that he didn't do more to try to make it up to me. Happy birthday and I hope you can celebrate properly another day.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

It's ok to be upset about it.

It's my birthday today, too!

 

[deekaypee]

I'm sorry that your birthday plans went awry. As others have said, I think it's natural to be upset. I mean, you'd been planning this evening for a long time and had your expectations up. So it's only normal to be angry because you're disappointed. And then your DH reacts normally, too, when he gets defensive.

I don't know if his behavior was intended, consciously or not, to ruin your birthday, but it is a pity that he didn't try to resolve the work situation before he left; that way, you wouldn't have called your friends. And it's a pity you didn't suggest your friends come over to your house, or maybe see if one of their sitters was willing to take your kids. But then again, it's way too easy to coach from the bench, especially after the play has been made, you know?

What I would suggest is that you deserve a do-over Birthday! I personally think your DH should arrange it, but you do it if you have to. This time, get a sitter for your kids, too, so you don't experience any before-celebration anxiety. (It's not laying blame on DH, it's just being prepared.)

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't know. I'd be pretty mad.

My first thought was if he could make a few calls in route, get it together in time to turn around and come home why didn't he try that to begin with? I wouldn't have been upset if he had tried to get help before he left you in a lurch. It's almost like he saw your reaction and said to himself (after he left), "Oh crap! I'd better get out of this one!" and he did.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the way it seems to me.

I hope you manage to have a Happy Birthday despite having your feelings hurt and feeling embarassed. The one good thing is he probably won't do it again (without seeking help first).

 

[Tinks_gang]

First off,

to you and Sleeping Beauty!

Yes, I would be upset as well. You were excited about your birthday plans and at the last minute you were let down. However, what you should be livid about is his blaming you. Regardless of why he is doing it that is just WRONG...birthday or not!

I hope you are enjoying the last few hours of your birthday!

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Thank you, Tinksgang! i enjoyed it. I'm making it a birthday weekend.

 

[Aidensmom]

I can understand both sides. I have been on call for work and had emergencies at inopportune times. It stresses me out to know that I am ruining plans or causing someone else to be upset, but I really have no control over it.

However, I would have been just as upset as you. This was your special day and you weren't able to do what you wanted.

I would reschedule - I bet your friends understand and are not upset with you - and this time have a backup plan just in case.

 

[va32h]

I guess from my POV....I wouldn't have cancelled...you say he couldn't make it b/c it was impossible...sounds like he did his darnedest to make it happen and would have been home in plenty of time.

Well, if he had gone all the way to the office, and worked, and then come back, he wouldn't have made it back in time. But he called me when he was about halfway there, to say that he found someone else to take care of the problem, so was coming back.

I made the decision to cancel - which I now agree was rash on my part - but at the time, I knew that it would be a 45 min drive each way, plus however long it took to do whatever he planned to do at the office. So it would have been impossible to be back by 7.

My first thought was if he could make a few calls in route, get it together in time to turn around and come home why didn't he try that to begin with? I wouldn't have been upset if he had tried to get help before he left you in a lurch. It's almost like he saw your reaction and said to himself (after he left), "Oh crap! I'd better get out of this one!" and he did.

Yep! This is what I think as well.

And for the record - the "emergency" was pretty lame, I came to find out. There is a report due on Tuesday (Monday being a Federal holiday) and the guy who was supposed to finish it left early and didn't finish it. Yes, it's important - but it's not like they don't have keys to the building and can go up there tomorrow, Sunday or Monday. Or the paperwork could have been faxed to our house so he could work on it here.

The reason I mentioned the passive-aggressive thing is because we actually had an argument on my birthday last year too - because he wanted to go out to celebrate and I didn't. His point was that he is not often home on my birthday, which is true, but I still think I should be the primary decision maker in how to spend my own birthday. We always do whatever he would like to do on his birthday.

Anyway, I went to Target and bought myself a new outfit and some makeup and two CDs, so I do feel better.

I also got a box of my favorite candy from my sister, so I'm working my way through that as well.

So I probably did overreact, but this should be a lesson to men everywhere -

If your wife's period starts on her 36th birthday, she's probably looking for a reason to get mad anyway, so don't go asking for trouble!

Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes, and Happy Birthday to you to, Sleeping Beauty. We also share our birthday with LeVar Burton, of Reading Rainbow and Star Trek: The Next Generation, my daughter informed me.

 

[disneyelaine]

I would have seen if I could take my kids to one of my friends house who did have a sitter. We have done that before....shared sitters with friends. The sitter likes it because she gets paid double.
Also I have to say it was nice of your husband to at least take half a day off for your birthday.

 

[Tinks_gang]

Glad to hear you made the most of your birthday evening! Chocolate is almost ALWAYS a girls best solution to her 'problems'...not to mention new clothes and make-up!