Did I go too far? Very long.

[KAMKIM]

DD8 is in 3rd grade. She has always been a good quiet student. She brings her homework home everyday, completes it, hands it in etc. We had open house last week and her teacher told us the kids would be bringing home a reading log to record their nightly reading. They are required to read 20 mins at home each day. No big deal - this is part of our nightly routine anyways. Well on Monday she didn't bring home the reading log, which I didnt question because I figured it was because she had so much other homework to do. Tuesday, again no reading log. So I asked her "how come you haven't brought home your reading log" She says in a funny way "oh, well...um....well...the teacher said we dont have to do it" Obviously now I know she is lying, I asked her nicely....did you forget your reading log? She says no...this goes back and forth for a few minutes and i remind her that I am her mother and know when she is lying...she admits she forgot it and lied about it because she thought she would get in trouble for not bringing home her homework. Since she has never forgotten before she probably didn't know how that would be dealt with. I told her no big deal, since we did her reading anyways I would send the teacher a note and let her know we did her reading and how many pages we covered and how long she read for. But I reminded her lying is why I am not happy. Everyone forgets stuff so it isn't a big deal, but you dont lie. Okay, we had a nice long talk about why lying is bad and how people cant trust you if you lie...conversation over no big deal.


So today, the reading log comes home and she is doing her reading - I look at the log and for Monday and Tuesday (the days she forgot) it is filled out with my initials next to them....so I asked her "Did you fill this out and put my initials so you wouldn't get in trouble at school?" She says um well...uh...well...no, she didn't fill it out ....Okay now you are lying AGAIN 2 times in 2 days. I tell her now I'm really not happy - not only did you sign my initials to make it look like you did your reading - but you are lying to me AGAIN. Normally her punishment is a timeout - she never does anything that really deserves a more harsh punishment....but lying to me is a very big deal...I told her I had to think of a punishment for this one. I couldn't take anything away from her because I dont think that would have any affect on her, she has an ipod and DS but she doesn't play with them everyday so to take that away seemed like not quite enough.

Well everynight when DD5 falls asleep we do secret special time - secret because we dont want DD5 knowing about it...basically DD8 and I will spend a good half hour reading, playing a board game, or coloring...just her and I. Well I told her no special time for the week. The look on her face was heartbreaking. She was so upset, she didn't eat dinner or anything and now I feel awful too! But I cant back out of a punishment can I? Was this too much? This time means so much to her (and me really). I really regret handing out that punishment now, but lying is a big deal....What would you have done?

 

[Sparx]

how about instead of a week, for two days, since she lied to you two days in a row. that way it would be like she lost THOSE nights of special time, kwim?

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think you did the right thing. You needed to take away something important, or it isn't a punishment.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm a grandmother - raised my own kids - helped raise my stepchildren and their children - and now live with my DD's family and my 11 yr. old DGD for 5 months out of the year..

Now that I've given you my "qualifications" for my opinion - LOL - lying is a big deal in our family and I do not think your punishment was too severe.. Lying the second time was the deal breaker..

I think missing one week of "secret time" is appropriate.. It's not too harsh nor is it too little - considering the offense..

And NO - you can't change your mind now! Consistency is the key.. You've chosen the punishment and now it's extremely important to follow through on it..

I think you did fine..

And brace yourself - there will be many, many more punishments you will have to dole out (and stick with) in the future..

 

[KAMKIM]

how about instead of a week, for two days, since she lied to you two days in a row. that way it would be like she lost THOSE nights of special time, kwim?

Should I tell her I reconsidered her punishment? Tonight would be night 1...

 

[Magic Mom]

I don't know whether it was too harsh or not. COnsidering she lied to you twice AND forged you initials on homework, I think you were probably right on. The fact that she looked crushed means you hit home with her. She knows how disappointed you are with her and feels the sting of the punishement.
I do think it's important that you stick to your decision. If you cave and give into her tears and your feelings of guilt, you will send her the message that you aren't serious when it comes to big punishments.
It's hard being a responsible parent isn't it?

 

[KAMKIM]

I'm a grandmother - raised my own kids - helped raise my stepchildren and their children - and now live with my DD's family and my 11 yr. old DGD for 5 months out of the year..

Now that I've given you my "qualifications" for my opinion - LOL - lying is a big deal in our family and I do not think your punishment was too severe.. Lying the second time was the deal breaker..

I think missing one week of "secret time" is appropriate.. It's not too harsh nor is it too little - considering the offense..

And NO - you can't change your mind now! Consistency is the key.. You've chosen the punishment and now it's extremely important to follow through on it..

I think you did fine..

And brace yourself - there will be many, many more punishments you will have to dole out (and stick with) in the future..

This makes me feel better. I just felt like since that is the only time she really gets to herself maybe it was too much taking that from her. I enjoy this time as much as she does so I think it kind of hurt my feelings to when I said it out loud

 

[C.Ann]

Should I tell her I reconsidered her punishment? Tonight would be night 1...

No - you can not change your mind at this point in time.. It will send the wrong message - believe me!!

I do think it's important that you stick to your decision. If you cave and give into her tears and your feelings of guilt, you will send her the message that you aren't serious when it comes to big punishments. It's hard being a responsible parent isn't it?

 

[KAMKIM]

I don't know whether it was too harsh or not. COnsidering she lied to you twice AND forged you initials on homework, I think you were probably right on. The fact that she looked crushed means you hit home with her. She knows how disappointed you are with her and feels the sting of the punishement.
I do think it's important that you stick to your decision. If you cave and give into her tears and your feelings of guilt, you will send her the message that you aren't serious when it comes to big punishments.
It's hard being a responsible parent isn't it?

Yes, it stinks!

 

[Serena]

It's just my thoughts, but I think this is one time to think some more on a punishment.
Parents can rethink a punishment. It just seems to me that the time you two spend together is more important and shouldn't be part of any punishment.

You could have her write how lying is not good and what her punishment should be.

I don't know. I just know that I have admitted to over reacting sometimes and decide I need more time to think of an appropriate punishment. Not that I think you are overreacting, but I don't think the time you two spend together should be part of a punishment.


I said punishment entirely too much. lol

 

[C.Ann]

This makes me feel better. I just felt like since that is the only time she really gets to herself maybe it was too much taking that from her. I enjoy this time as much as she does so I think it kind of hurt my feelings to when I said it out loud

Want one of us to come over and color with you? Personally, I LOVE to color!!

You did good..

 

[Longsx3]

You may not like my answer but here it goes: I think the punishment fit the crime however is secret special time the same as lying to your 5yr old?

I can remember when my Nephews were young my sister would hate to talk on the phone, back before caller id, so she would always have my BIL or the boys say she wasn't home, asleep, whatever...lie. I remember thinking she was teaching her kids to lie.

I have always tried to parent by example doesn't mean that DD hasn't lied, she has...mainly about cleaning her room and gotten punished.

At 8 your DD may think your secret is a lie too.

 

[kacaju]

I'm a grandmother - raised my own kids - helped raise my stepchildren and their children - and now live with my DD's family and my 11 yr. old DGD for 5 months out of the year..

Now that I've given you my "qualifications" for my opinion - LOL - lying is a big deal in our family and I do not think your punishment was too severe.. Lying the second time was the deal breaker..

I think missing one week of "secret time" is appropriate.. It's not too harsh nor is it too little - considering the offense..

And NO - you can't change your mind now! Consistency is the key.. You've chosen the punishment and now it's extremely important to follow through on it..

I think you did fine..

And brace yourself - there will be many, many more punishments you will have to dole out (and stick with) in the future..

I agree completely!!
BTW..I am not a grandma, I have 3 dd's 16, 13 and 9. I think you did the right thing!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think I might redefine her punishment as 'TIME OUT' during that time frame. But, yes, I am with the others... You do need to make an impact with this one!

While I agree that punishment should be enough to make an impact, and that parents should always (as often as humanly possible) be consistant and follow thru. I think that making the punishment specifically described as "no special time, no time with me" is the wrong message. I really don't like the connotations of shunning/abandonment/separation/etc.

Time out, Time to think about what she has done, etc...
That might be a better approach.

All too soon your daughter will be a teenager, off in her room with her door shoved very distinctly closed....
I am not sure that I would want to use my emotional relationship and togetherness with my child as a tool.

 

[Stacerita]

I think the punishment is appropriate. And I would not back out of the whole week. This is one reason why I let my DD know that she will be punished for whatever she did wrong, and I will let her know after I think about it. That way I can calm down and not give more time than I am willing to deal with. But since the punishment was already given, you need to stick with it. I think its fair and appropriate. A week for lying and writing your initials in is more than fair. If the child was older and did this, like in High School, would you think two days was enough? You did what needed to be done.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If the child was older and did this, like in High School, would you think two days was enough? You did what needed to be done.

She is clearly not a high school student. She is an 8 year old third grader.
What might be appropriate for a high school student is not relevant here.

But, I do agree that a meaningful/hefty punishment is the way to go!

OP, I have an idea....
You let the evening TIME OUT's stand, but if you feel it best to lighten up a bit, you can let your daughter know that she can get out early for good behavior... "If you remember your log every day for these first three days, then we will let you off..."

This gives you a way to give some leniency by putting it in HER court, not being 'easy' or 'inconsistant'.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I think it would be better for you not to go back on your punishment. You might want to impress on her, though, that you are not happy with it, and that these times are special to you, too. However, lying is such a bad thing to do that you are sacrificing your time with her to help her understand that lying hurts everyone.

Just a thought.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

You are doing the right thing. Better now to set boundaries while she is young. You sound like a great mom.

 

[ohiomom28]

Just went through this last week my DS9! He changed a grade on a test and his teacher caught on and emailed me. He is grounded for a week. We have been noticing him lying about a couple things this week as well. I have spoken to him again about lying and I think we may have him straightened out...or at least I hope.

Good Luck!

 

[dreamer17555]

I don't think it is an inapproriate punishment and telling her that you are rethinking will just reinforce the idea that lying isn't that big of a deal. Honestly you do realize that she lied to both you and the teacher? She forged something. On top of losing secret time mine would be writing an apology to the teacher, explaining her actions and I would expect my child to be given some sort of punishment at school as well (no recess, etc.)

-Becca-