DICK CLARK: I AM A CLONE
So-Called Ageless Wonder Stuns World With Beauty Secret
As the shimmering ball in Times Square prepared to herald the beginning of 2003, New Years Rockin Eve host Dick Clark stunned the world by revealing that he is a human clone created by a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Mr. Clarks announcement was later confirmed by a spokesperson for the embattled cloning group Clonaid.
Dick Clark is, in fact, a human clone, said the spokesperson for Clonaid in a press conference at a Holiday Inn in Hollywood, Florida. A new Dick Clark has been cloned every year for the last fifty years, keeping the worlds supply of Dick Clarks replenished at all times.
The Clonaid spokesman said that a race of super-intelligent aliens had cloned the first Dick Clark fifty years ago in order to create a host for a televised music program that would bring joy and danceable music to the worlds youth.
While some scientists immediately questioned the credibility of Clonaids Dick Clark announcement, there was general agreement that the cloning revelations, if true, would go a long way to explaining Mr. Clarks perpetually youthful appearance.
Its the only explanation that really makes sense, said Dr. William Grossman of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Throughout the television industry, there was ramped-up interest in retaining the services of Clonaid to create clones of successful television performers to fill the networks struggling primetime schedules.
NBC Entertainment President Jeff Zucker, however, expressed no interest in Clonaids services, explaining that his network had successfully cloned Law and Order many times without any outside help.
****Borowitz Reports****
So-Called Ageless Wonder Stuns World With Beauty Secret
As the shimmering ball in Times Square prepared to herald the beginning of 2003, New Years Rockin Eve host Dick Clark stunned the world by revealing that he is a human clone created by a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Mr. Clarks announcement was later confirmed by a spokesperson for the embattled cloning group Clonaid.
Dick Clark is, in fact, a human clone, said the spokesperson for Clonaid in a press conference at a Holiday Inn in Hollywood, Florida. A new Dick Clark has been cloned every year for the last fifty years, keeping the worlds supply of Dick Clarks replenished at all times.
The Clonaid spokesman said that a race of super-intelligent aliens had cloned the first Dick Clark fifty years ago in order to create a host for a televised music program that would bring joy and danceable music to the worlds youth.
While some scientists immediately questioned the credibility of Clonaids Dick Clark announcement, there was general agreement that the cloning revelations, if true, would go a long way to explaining Mr. Clarks perpetually youthful appearance.
Its the only explanation that really makes sense, said Dr. William Grossman of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Throughout the television industry, there was ramped-up interest in retaining the services of Clonaid to create clones of successful television performers to fill the networks struggling primetime schedules.
NBC Entertainment President Jeff Zucker, however, expressed no interest in Clonaids services, explaining that his network had successfully cloned Law and Order many times without any outside help.
****Borowitz Reports****
