DH left...

[shortbun]

I have to agree with those who say "find the best divorce attorney in town and hire them today." It makes all the difference. It's true that the winner always has the best attorney. Move money today. Change passcodes and protect your children.
The guy's a cad. He may try to win you back when he realizes what he's done. Stay strong. You might think this tacky advice but I've seen many very strong women fall-don't sleep with him no matter what. Seems like they always come back for that if nothing else. I know of three children born as a result of divorce relations.
Good luck and peace.

 

[snoopy]

Next time he comes over, back into his car again. Only get up a little more speed this time.

Honestly, he sounds like a self-absorbed butthead- the girlfriend, the tantrums, the video games. I hope you can squeeze the maximum out of his paycheck in court. P.S. Change the locks and best of luck.

We don't always agree, but other times I feel like you are the little voice inside my head. This would be one of those times.

My best to the OP.

 

[crazee4mickey]

I am so sorry...
I've been down this road...and it can be very bumpy at times but it does eventually get better, believe me
My first husband left when our kids were 3 and 5, he immediately moved in with his girlfriend. The things I thought he would NEVER do, he did because of her prompting. She wanted it all-----
What I am trying to say is contact a lawyer immediately(even if he was a great guy before, a new girlfriend can change that pretty quick), write absolutely everything down, cannot say this enough...document, document, document! Write dates, times, conversations--try to keep it as unbiased as possible--I ended up with a large garbage bag full and had to use much of the documentation to back things up and it is backed up more when everything is recorded. I would definately make a print out of what was in the bank accounts but I would also move 1/2 because it is a joint account, he could take all because he's on the account.
As for DD, I would have someone such as a counsellor or if you go to church, a minister, talk to her and keep reassuring her how much you love her...don't keep bringing up daddy unless she asks something.
It is so hard with kids involved...it can be heartbreaking...be strong not only for your DD but for yourself---you have lots who care about you here on the DIS and although we may be miles away we still care!

 

[septbride2002]

I just want to echo what everyone else has been saying. Take half the money in your bank accounts and move them. Cancel all of your credit cards that has both your names on it. Get yourself a credit card with just your name on it. This is not the time to be timid. I work at a national lender and have seen my fair share of bad credit reports because a useless ex ran up the credit card bills. Change your direct deposit of your paycheck and start documenting everything. Your conversations, the day he moved out, any move he makes that you are aware of.

As far as the house goes - wait and see at the moment. He will have to provide child support so you may be able to keep the house - but you won't know that for awhile.

I repeat again - now is not the time to be timid. The only ones who will pay for you not taking action now is yourself and your kids.

~Amanda

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just more HUGS!!!!!

Good advice here... I hope that you consider following some of it.

And, please do post back again... We do CARE!!!!!

 

[SamRoc]

So sorry you are going through this. When I got online and saw your post today, it was just after a three hour phone conversation I had with my girlfriend in New Jersey going through this same exact thing. Her Husband left her and her daughter for his secretary, and they were both fired from their jobs! But luckily he got another job and now the money goes through probate and the check comes right to my friend so she doesn't have anything to do with him. I would check this out too, about having your child support directly deposited into your account. This takes alot of game playing away from the ex who doesnt want to pay. If you can't find a lawyer, try www.legalaid.com. Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

[MamaLema]

I'm so sorry. Just make sure your DD knows that he didn't leave because she did something wrong

 

[vettechick99]

I'm so sorry. I've known several men who did this to their wives and children and basically turned their worlds upside-down. It's not going to be easy but know we are here for you!

 

[Lyn5]

Just checking on how you are doing? Did you contact a lawyer yet?

 

[missypie]

You've received some good advice and lots of hugs...I hope you've hired a good lawyer and have sole control of your money.

One more thing: Think through what you will do if he wants to come back later on. You may need to talk to a counselor to sort this out, since you have a child and all.

My first husband had a girl friend for quite a while...they had a long distance romance going. He finally left me to move in with her...and lo and behold, it lasted less than three months, then he wanted to move back to me. WRONG! By then I realized how great it was to have the jerk out of my life...so I'M the one who ended up filing for divorce! We had no kids, so that wasn't a factor.

I'm just warning you that it may happen, so don't let it catch you off guard.

 

[Meezers]

Next time he comes over, back into his car again. Only get up a little more speed this time.

Honestly, he sounds like a self-absorbed butthead- the girlfriend, the tantrums, the video games. I hope you can squeeze the maximum out of his paycheck in court. P.S. Change the locks and best of luck.

The second part must have been from another post. Are you sure you are not married to my ex-husband? Pretty much sounds the same....

 

[tekmom]

Sorry that this happened to you. Now...let's get nasty. Report to his superiors that he is having an affair with a subordinate. Then, sue HER for "alienation of affection". Can that be done in your state? I know it may seem petty, but I would make their lives miserable.....oh, and hit his car again. Best of luck to you and your kids.

 

[MELSMICE]

So sorry you are going through this. Sending strength for both you & your daughter & son.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

Thank you all for your support and advice.

I don't want to get too detailed here, but I've taken a number of the steps you all mentioned - and good thing too! I didn't think he had it in him, but he certainly did. Maybe it is his gf's influence.

I also found a message board for his fantasy football league that he does with his brothers. They said some very mean and hurtful things about me and he agreed AND admitted to his affair. So, I've printed those out. I was also able to print a ton of other documentation about our finances, debts, assets, etc.

I'm just trying to enjoy myself right now and do things I haven't been able to in 10 years -I changed into my pjs as soon as I got home, ordered pizza for me and DD, didn't worry about doing the dishes right away, talked to my girlfriend without having to go outside, let DD sing the song she learned at the top of her voice, put on what I wanted to watch on TV and a bunch of other small things. I miss the guy I thought I loved, but I don't miss the one he became. Its funny, i thought I would be much more upset when he finally left. Maybe I'm still in denial or too busy with the details, but it's okay right now.

I also made appts with several attorneys and my physician - I figured if he's been sleeping with her, I better get myself checked out.

So far, DD is clueless. She know H is not home, but figures he's just on one of his weekend trips, which he made quite frequently. I haven't talked to her yet about the permanency of the situation. She's still upset about the whole school incident.

Thanks to the PMs for support and the offers of advice, articles and prayers - I'll take it ALL right now.

Also, as far as custody, does any know if he will certainly get joint? I have a chilling voicemail from him from 6 months ago where he calls our DS "demon-spawn" and that if I didn't get home right away (I had left for the gym 30 minutes before the call came in. I haven't left him with DS alone and awake since), he didn't know what was going to happen. Do you think that can be used in court? I really don't want him to have these children alone at all. He can be vicious. At least now, I can intercede and make amends right away. Part of me thinks he won't go for custody. the other part thinks he will, out of spite and because of his parents.

 

[Lyn5]

I would try to use it all. Besides, if he left a message on your voice mail isn't that a legal recording?

 

[Disney Doll]

If you think he has the capability to harm your children, then use any documentation you have to make sure they are safe.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

I honestly don't think he would harm them physically, or, at least I didn't until he spanked her yesterday. But, I do think he could do emotional damage. That's much harder to prove.

 

[Wishing on a star]

"Demon Spawn"!!!!

Doesn't sound like your DH is even interested in joint custody???? Or do you think he may be???

Continue to be 'smart' and 'strong' as you have been!!! Take whatever action you feel necessary to insure your kids well being!!!

 

[chell]

I'm just trying to enjoy myself right now and do things I haven't been able to in 10 years -I changed into my pjs as soon as I got home, ordered pizza for me and DD, didn't worry about doing the dishes right away, talked to my girlfriend without having to go outside, let DD sing the song she learned at the top of her voice, put on what I wanted to watch on TV and a bunch of other small things. I miss the guy I thought I loved, but I don't miss the one he became. Its funny, i thought I would be much more upset when he finally left. Maybe I'm still in denial or too busy with the details, but it's okay right now.

I also made appts with several attorneys and my physician - I figured if he's been sleeping with her, I better get myself checked out.

Good for you! Isn't it wonderful to finally be able to do all those things?!!?

Good for you for making the appointment with your physician. It is best to go ahead and take care of things like that so that you don't worry yourself later.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

"Demon Spawn"!!!!

Doesn't sound like your DH is even interested in joint custody???? Or do you think he may be???

Continue to be 'smart' and 'strong' as you have been!!! Take whatever action you feel necessary to insure your kids well being!!!

I don't think his parents would allow him to not try for joint custody. They rule him. So, after they kill him for cheating, they will then turn their efforts on the kids. They are both retired and could give the kids "stability" while I'm at work. Of course, I'm reaching and don't know any of this, but it's my worst fear. I have no real family ties, so I keep thinking DH's family and extended family are my biggest obstacles to full custody.