DH and I Have Been Fighting Lately

[MerryPoppins]

Maybe you need to talk calmly on a weekend when you are all more rested. Let him know that you need some down time for your own well being. See if you can work out a schedule of chores that works for the two of you. Maybe he'll tell you which jobs make him nervous if that is the case.

I agree with giving choices. Men and children like that better than being told what to do. My DH is pretty good about helping if I ask , especially if I give him a choice. A new baby is stressfull, but things will get better.

 

[Nancy]

Leahannpen', my girls are now 14,12 and 9 and I still want to pack and run away!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by vickylan
Been there, done that. That is why I no longer work full time.

AMEN!!!!!!!

The best advice I can give you is to sit down with dh and ask what he is comfortable doing and NOT at the time you need that help. Set some time aside to talk. Explain your needs. Then listen to his needs. Esp. pay close attention to what he says!!! You may find he is bugged about something, guys are pretty simple. When the baby enters the picture he is no longer getting your attention like he used to. It is an adjustment period.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[gepetto]

I don't think it's normal. What is he doing while you're running around cleaning and taking care of the baby? If you're both working full time, then the household work should not be so one sided.

 

[kaabost]

I have to agree with Silverlily! (keep in mind I have no kids.....but this is my opinion)
I have zero patience for that Neanderthal way of thinking that the housework is "womens work" regardless of the circumstances. If you both have a full time job, I don't see why your responsibilities at home can't be 50/50. It seems as though this is "normal" but it doesn't make it right. It appears as though you have tried just about everything to get your point across. If it were me, I would suggest to DH that we go to a marriage councelor for 2 reasons. (1) make him realize how serious of an issue this is, and (2) let him hear it from someone else. Silverlily has a good point in that your son is going to see this and assume that this is the way it works. I suspect that his generation of men will face even more resistance thatn ours!

 

[Steve H.]

No offense, but as a Dad, my advise is to tell him to suck it up and start being a Dad.

 

[luvwinnie]

YOur DH must realize he's just as responsible for your DS as you are. THis is just one of the reasons we've decided to not have children.

 

[aprincessmom]

I have to agree with SilverLily. You both live in the house, you both are parents of this child, you both are responsible. Period. It's a matter of respect -- respect for the partnership you entered into as a married couple and respect for you as an individual.

However, if the division of responsibilities prior to having the baby wasn't equal, it will be hard to get equality at this stage of the game. I agree with providing him choices -- you get to either was the baby or do the laundry.

A woman I work with was just talking about this same problem. She had tried the sitting down and rationally dividing chores. That didn't work. She tried the choice method. That didn't work. But then she found something that did. On her way home from work she'd pick up some dinner -- for herself only. She'd get home and eat it while feeding the baby. Her husband asked about his and she said "Gee, I knew I wouldn't have time to cook anything so I picked something up. I figured since you were already home you'd have eaten by now." When he got low on underwear or pants and would ask about laundry she'd say "Well I only had enough time to throw in one load and the baby was low on clothes and I was low on underwear and that pretty much filled the load up."

This went on for two weeks -- everything from picking up dry cleaning to groceries to house cleaning. All of a sudden (to coin a Massachusetts phrase) light dawned on Marblehead. As soon as she wasn't providing housekeeping services to him, he managed to find time to help around the house.

 

[newmousecateer]

Originally posted by Steve H.
No offense, but as a Dad, my advise is to tell him to suck it up and start being a Dad.

That about sums it up as far as I am concerned!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think you've gotten some really good advice here Becka.

Thankfully I've never faced this problem in our house but if I did "I Don't Want To" just wouldn't fly.

 

[Deb in IA]

becka, we went through a similar experience with the birth of our first child. That was 11 years ago, and the good news is that things DO get better. We survived, and our marriage is as strong as ever. (And we even went on to have another child 4 years later!)

I agree that people don't really tell you how difficult it is when you have a new baby. You are still recovering from childbirth, you are severely sleep deprived, and you have gone back to work/school, etc. You are dealing with a body that may be physically very different than before the pregnancy. You have a new life that is takes up so much time, yet you still have housework, chores, cooking and cleaning, but with even more dishes and bottles to wash and clothes to launder.

There is nothing that will change your life as much as having a child, in my opinion.

Many have already given great advice. I concur with a lot of what has been posted.

Here are some of my suggestions:
1. Cleaning service. I see that you have one already. Great.
2. Relax your expectations of the house. Let the dishes go for a few days. Don't worry about folding the laundry for a while.
3. Calmly make a list with your DH of all the stuff that HAS to be done, and try to divide them up as much as possible.
4. Hire a babysitter and GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Even just a dinner out can make you feel like a couple again.
5. If you have family in the area, ask them to help out. Maybe they can take the baby for a walk in the stroller while you get some chores done.

Take care, becka. Hang in there, it really does get better.

 

[becka]

I guess I should have added some information to my OP. He does help out with DS and most of the time if I am trying to do something else he will take DS to play with him (if asked) until DS starts to get fussy and then he has to come back to me. The problems come about when I ask for help and I get the "I don't want to" response that makes me so mad.

DH takes DS every morning and dresses him and gets him off to daycare because I have to leave for work at 6. He does pick up dinner some nights when I don't have the time or the energy to cook and he will make runs to Wal-Mart/grocery store to pick up things we are low on. As I mentioned he does the dishes and does bottles on some nights which is a big help that I have told him I appreciate. I didn't mean to make it sound like he does ZERO around the house or with DS because he does - but the overwhelming majority of the work (especially work with the baby - not playing with the baby) does fall on me. DH also gets up a night with DS a lot of the time so at least I am lucky in this area.

I guess more of my vent is that he outright refuses to do certain things (i.e. give DS a bath, feed DS cereal, mop floors, clean the bathrooms, etc) and that he will only to do other things (like feed DS a bottle, change his diaper, etc.) when he wants to do them and on his schedule. If something is on TV that he wants to watch then you had better not ask him to do something else because that messes up the plans he had for the evening.

I guess I feel like if he is sitting down watching TV after he gets home from work and is not doing anything else pressing at the moment then when I ask him if he can feed DS his bottle I don't expect to get an "I don't want to" comment back at me and then I still have to feed him myself. I expect him to do it because this is his son as well as mine and since I don't get to choose what I will do and when I have to do it then neither should he!

 

[goofygirl]

All good thoughts here, Becka. And I agree, raising little ones is not the easiest thing in the world. The cute ads in the magazines and Toy-R-Us and TDS make it look like all fun and games, but it is tough. A little human being is 100% dependent on the mom and dad,

Agree with Dan here


But I must say that all these posts reaffirm my desires to stay childfree! I am saving myself a lot of aggravation.


Good luck everyone with all your stresses.

 

[ckr]

Having a baby is the most stressful thing my marriage has had to face. And from talking to friends, they concur.

One thing I learned:

Men don't always know WHAT to do. If he has not been responsible for cooking or cleaning or whatever before, don't assume he knows what needs to be done. My DH would tell me he'd do anything I told him to. That would make me furious! Why do I need to TELL him to change the baby or to make a bottle or to run a load of laundry, etc.?!?! I felt as though I was TOTALLY responsible for TWO babies -- DD and DH!!

But once I realized that he really would do anything I told him, I used it to all of our advantage. I am the planner, he is the doer. As long as there is a list for him, he'll get it done. And since it takes time for me to make the list and plan, he knows he will have a longer list than I, as I need the "think time".

When we were engaged, we dreamed of our future together. One of the things we vowed to do was to help the other person become the best person he/she could be. DH is a great doer, but he'll never be a planner. I'm a better planner than doer. Rather than trying to change that, we try to divide things to fit who we are. It makes it much easier. Perhaps this type of arrangement would work for you.

Good Luck. Know that it does get better. Really! Don't give up!

PS. Another trick that we didn't even discover until this year. The TV stays off Monday - Thursday nights until the DDs are in bed. This keeps distractions down not only for 4th grade DD's homework, but I'm finding I get a lot more done during the weeknights, so it frees me up to do other things on the weekends. If your DH has shows he just HAS to watch, he can tape them and watch them after your DS has been put down for the night (of course WHILE folding a load or two of laundry! LOL!) This has been a huge help to ME as I am more of a TV junkie than DH. Good Luck!

 

[Serena]

I sincerely don't mean to make light of your frustration. I really don't. But I would have been so grateful for that much help.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by goofygirl
But I must say that all these posts reaffirm my desires to stay childfree! I am saving myself a lot of aggravation.

LOL! I was thinking how all the posts make me wish I was SO-free instead of childfree. My kids can't help the fact their dad needs to do his fair share.

 

[crazyme5kids]

As far as getting him to help with the baby, try this method. Tell him you are going out for a day. Call a friend and go. Hand him your son, say he needs a bath, when he should be fed and go. Stay out, don't call for at least 4 or 5 hours. Check in but stay out a few more hours. Do this a couple of times, he become an expert at being dad. Don't criticize if he is in mix and match clothes or if his hair is not brushed the way you would do it. Remember you trusted this man enough to marry him, trust him enough to take care of your son. I have left all 5 kids with my husband and never felt guilty, they are his kids too!

 

[crazyme5kids]

As far as getting him to help with the baby, try this method. Tell him you are going out for a day. Call a friend and go. Hand him your son, say he needs a bath, when he should be fed and go. Stay out, don't call for at least 4 or 5 hours. Check in but stay out a few more hours. Do this a couple of times, he become an expert at being dad. Don't criticize if he is in mix and match clothes or if his hair is not brushed the way you would do it. Remember you trusted this man enough to marry him, trust him enough to take care of your son. I have left all 5 kids with my husband and never felt guilty, they are his kids too!

 

[damom2daboyz]

Becka-

Keep plugging along and insist on splitting the chores and baby duties more evenly using the choice method.

My advice can't be as stable as everyone else's because my DH had some addiction probs and I ended up divorcing him. I raised my 2DS for 7 years without his help.

Now he is clean, sober, and responsible we have remarried and he has a whole new outlook. The roles are split and the housework split. I have definitely relaxed my standards of house cleanliness and laundry distribution. It is what it is.

Your baby is a wonderful gift that does require some adapting to. My husband when he went to change a poopy diaper the first time he threw up and that was his excuse not to do it. I think it is more difficult for men sometimes to realize that they too have to provide for the little ones every need.

Love to you all...I have faith it will get better.

 

[Pembo]

Becka-I can't stay out of this any longer. I think you are right to be annoyed with your DH! Many are like yours but that doesn't make it right! He should NEVER say I DON'T WANT TO! My response would be "neither do I" followed by something very sarcastic!

I think this is a big deal and you need to talk to him, not in the moment! You said it best yourself

I don't get to choose what I will do and when I have to do it then neither should he!

Good luck to you! Raising kids is the HARDEST job in the world and having help makes you a better parent! IMHO!!!!

pm me anytime for moral support!


STEVE H- YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!