Destination Wedding; What would You Do?

[Sudonim]

I don't want to use my real screen name to post and I'm genuinely torn on this issue.

-Only son (my nephew) of the brother I'm closest to is getting married at a destination wedding 200 miles away on New Years Eve 2016. We haven't seen groom in over two years or bride-to-be in over three years.
-We're not in a position to come up with the $750 it will take to pay for hotel, semi-formal wedding outfits, etc. We pay our bills on time but there's very little left after that. We do not live extravagantly. We could come up with the $750 by New Years but it would mean doing without a number of things to do that.
-Brother is rich and will immediately offer to pay; they live 2000 miles away and travel all the time.
-Spouse does not have vacation time from work, and in fact is not allowed to take time off from work during sales at his store. He is straight commission and will be missing a lot of money for missing two days at year end clearance sale (the minimum time we'd need to attend wedding). This is money we wont have to pay January's bills if we go to wedding.
-Our child gets very nauseous on long car rides and spouse has back issues. Neither will handle eight hours driving time in two days very well.
-Brother will understand none of this thinking that paying our way solves all issues. We haven't gone away on vacation in eight years (including WDW), choosing to pay bills instead. The idea of having to sacrifice what we will have to in order to attend galls us, but there will be a huge family rift if we don't attend. There will be a huge family rift under our own roof if we do attend.

Thoughts?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think what immediately effects YOUR household is most important.

I would tell your brother that no, you won't be able to attend. When he offers to pay be firm and just let him know that it's not about the money, it's just not a possibility for your family right now. I know it's easier said than done, but if your brother is the way you describe then you have to be firm, otherwise he will come up with a million different ways to get you there.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don't want to use my real screen name to post and I'm genuinely torn on this issue.

-Only son (my nephew) of the brother I'm closest to is getting married at a destination wedding 200 miles away on New Years Eve 2016. We haven't seen groom in over two years or bride-to-be in over three years.
-We're not in a position to come up with the $750 it will take to pay for hotel, semi-formal wedding outfits, etc. We pay our bills on time but there's very little left after that. We do not live extravagantly. We could come up with the $750 by New Years but it would mean doing without a number of things to do that.
-Brother is rich and will immediately offer to pay; they live 2000 miles away and travel all the time.
-Spouse does not have vacation time from work, and in fact is not allowed to take time off from work during sales at his store. He is straight commission and will be missing a lot of money for missing two days at year end clearance sale (the minimum time we'd need to attend wedding). This is money we wont have to pay January's bills if we go to wedding.
-Our child gets very nauseous on long car rides and spouse has back issues. Neither will handle eight hours driving time in two days very well.
-Brother will understand none of this thinking that paying our way solves all issues. We haven't gone away on vacation in eight years (including WDW), choosing to pay bills instead. The idea of having to sacrifice what we will have to in order to attend galls us, but there will be a huge family rift if we don't attend. There will be a huge family rift under our own roof if we do attend.

Thoughts?

The rule.

 

[dbrn]

Can you attend alone? That would help with expenses, neither child nor spouse would get carsick, and no family rift. If not, I'd bow out gracefully by explaining that work commitments don't allow you to take time off during the holiday. I doubt you'll be the only ones to have that issue; a lot of employers don't allow vacation time during major holidays. No need to even bring up the money issue.

 

[Kbee]

Is it possible for you to go by yourself and stay with family instead of a hotel? If not, then you need to be firm in your answer "I'm sorry we won't be able to attend".

I think it is so wrong when family members put pressure on other members when it comes to destination weddings.

 

[NewRVLady]

Honestly, I think doing a wedding on NYE , and a destination one at that is a tad selfish

I would simply send my deepest regrets ( esp due to husbands work- to me that is a no brainer!)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't want to use my real screen name to post and I'm genuinely torn on this issue.

-Only son (my nephew) of the brother I'm closest to is getting married at a destination wedding 200 miles away on New Years Eve 2016. We haven't seen groom in over two years or bride-to-be in over three years.
-We're not in a position to come up with the $750 it will take to pay for hotel, semi-formal wedding outfits, etc. We pay our bills on time but there's very little left after that. We do not live extravagantly. We could come up with the $750 by New Years but it would mean doing without a number of things to do that.
-Brother is rich and will immediately offer to pay; they live 2000 miles away and travel all the time.
-Spouse does not have vacation time from work, and in fact is not allowed to take time off from work during sales at his store. He is straight commission and will be missing a lot of money for missing two days at year end clearance sale (the minimum time we'd need to attend wedding). This is money we wont have to pay January's bills if we go to wedding.
-Our child gets very nauseous on long car rides and spouse has back issues. Neither will handle eight hours driving time in two days very well.
-Brother will understand none of this thinking that paying our way solves all issues. We haven't gone away on vacation in eight years (including WDW), choosing to pay bills instead. The idea of having to sacrifice what we will have to in order to attend galls us, but there will be a huge family rift if we don't attend. There will be a huge family rift under our own roof if we do attend.

Thoughts?

I would tell brother that you absolutely cannot afford to attend the DW.

In addition, you are assuming that he will offer to pay. He may not offer it to you.

If he does offer you money tell him your terms. You need a round trip plane ticket and hotel stay, for you and your child or just yourself. Make it clear that your DH is not able to take time off work.

Anyway, that is what I would do.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Sometimes you just have to say no. And there is nothing wrong with it. You can not worry about what they think or are going to say. We have had to say no to things. And don't feel bad for saying no. You don't argue with them either.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I think it is so wrong when family members put pressure on other members when it comes to destination weddings.

Totally agree. And I'm coming from the viewpoint of our wedding plans originally being a destination wedding (to Las Vegas). We knew that the wedding was going to be pretty small, and planned (at our expense) to rent a bus, as well as get rooms for everyone to use overnight there.

Only reason we canned the idea was DH's grandmother and grandfather were quite elderly and we were concerned about such a trip's effects on them.

OP, I agree with the majority opinion - "Sorry, we won't be able to attend" should be sufficient. You don't even need to tell why. Just because they're family, doesn't mean you have to explain yourself. Most weddings (or any other events) that I've been invited to, and had to turn down, "No" was a sufficient answer.

 

[eliza61]

Honestly, I think doing a wedding on NYE , and a destination one at that is a tad selfish

I would simply send my deepest regrets ( esp due to husbands work- to me that is a no brainer!)

Actually, I think the opposite. lol. I think the family members who start foolishness over a wedding are selfish. does anyone else notice that it is never the bride and groom who start these family feuds?

A wedding is not a summons from the supreme court, people need to get a grip. i love DW as they usually give me a chance to travel BUT I never understand the problem people have with declining.

Op I would go by myself if you can afford it. if and only if you want to attend. tell brother DH will not be attending. Period.

 

[Miskey]

I think with the wedding being more than a year and a half away, it's a tad bit early to be sure you won't be able to attend

 

[shoney]

Honestly, it sounds like you don't want to go, plain and simple.
That is ok, but you don't have to make excuses....too much money, not enough vacation time, car sick kid, backache spouse, etc, etc.

If this was something you really wanted to go to, you would be more willing to make sacrifices to do so.
Family will be upset/disappointed, but usually get over it.

We've only been invited to 1 destination wedding, at Disney. We declined. We already had a trip planned a few months before the wedding and we were not spending the money or taking off additional vacation time for a cousin we never talk to.

Now if my niece or nephew plan a destination wedding, I will do everything in my power to attend.

 

[trip]

I think when a destination wedding is being planned, the couple and parents should expect that people won't be able to attend for whatever reason and not be disappointed or angry. When one of my 3 DD's was planning a destination wedding. She thought the price was so reasonable. I pointed out to her that some people wouldn't want to use their vacation time or be able to afford to bring their whole family. I asked her what she wanted - the destination wedding without many of her favorite people in attendance or a local one that all could attend She ended choosing the local venue.

OP do what is best for your family.

 

[Lavaluma]

I may be in the minority, but I would never be able to miss my nephew's wedding even if it had been years since I had seen him. I understand destination weddings can be expensive. The last one we went to cost us our summer vacation, the timing was terrible and we had to find someone to watch our kids for 4 days because it was the second week of school.
I would wait until closer in to make a decision. Maybe there will be a shower or engagement party that you can attend instead without spending as much money and then not feel bad about not making it to the wedding. Maybe you could leave your spouse and child home and share a hotel room with another relative to cut costs. That time of year you should be able to find a discounted outfit to wear to the wedding.
That said, you have to do what is best for your immediate family and not put yourself in debt over a wedding. By choosing a destination wedding, they know that some people will not be able to attend and should understand.

 

[DeaverTex]

If any of you would like to see some real eye-openers about destination weddings and the reactions that they get from invited guests, go search on the Wedding Bee forums! (If I can't mention another forum that has no cross-over with the DIS, I won't be offended or upset if this post is removed.)

There is no law that you must attend every wedding to which you're invited. Not even if it's a sibling, child, or parent. I'd just tell your nephew and his fiancee -- who should be the ones with whom you communicate anyhow -- that you'd love to attend, but that your family situation makes it impossible. I wouldn't even bring your brother into it, if all he might do is to throw money at the situation.

 

[SamRoc]

Dd's cousin is having a destination wedding labor day weekend somewhere in new England. It's a 3 day affair that most of his family will attend. We won't. Everyone in his and my family knows not to invite us to birthdays showers or weddings between memorial day and labor day. We live at the beach and don't leave the island in the summer. Op I would also suggest just for you to go if you want. I really don't understand why people plan these destination weddings on holidays.

 

[bethy]

I think what immediately effects YOUR household is most important.

I would tell your brother that no, you won't be able to attend. When he offers to pay be firm and just let him know that it's not about the money, it's just not a possibility for your family right now. I know it's easier said than done, but if your brother is the way you describe then you have to be firm, otherwise he will come up with a million different ways to get you there.

Oh my goodness! I totally agree with this. It is FINE for you not to go. Big hugs to you and your family for feeling any pressure over this!!

 

[kuhltiffany]

Dd's cousin is having a destination wedding labor day weekend somewhere in new England. It's a 3 day affair that most of his family will attend. We won't. Everyone in his and my family knows not to invite us to birthdays showers or weddings between memorial day and labor day. We live at the beach and don't leave the island in the summer. Op I would also suggest just for you to go if you want. I really don't understand why people plan these destination weddings on holidays.

Forgive me, but the beach is more important than your family?

 

[mommasita]

Actually, I think the opposite. lol. I think the family members who start foolishness over a wedding are selfish. does anyone else notice that it is never the bride and groom who start these family feuds?

A wedding is not a summons from the supreme court, people need to get a grip. i love DW as they usually give me a chance to travel BUT I never understand the problem people have with declining.

Op I would go by myself if you can afford it. if and only if you want to attend. tell brother DH will not be attending. Period.

ITA

No wedding is selfish in my opinion.. It is about the couple, not the attendees..

People who have destination weddings must assume not everyone can attend, family included..

Not everyone can get holidays off, I understand that one..

Have a tete a tete with your brother and explain, and your nephew, he must be old enough if he is getting married.. Tell him it isn't about him, it is that you can't swing it, and give him a gift...

 

[smitch425]

You're overthinking this. Just politely decline when the invitation comes (presumably over a year from now) if you still feel like it is not in your family's best interest to attend. If they ask why, tell them the truth.