Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[luvmy3]

Well, a lot do, LOL. But IMHO, just talking about this ONE situation in the OP, it sounds like the couples' immediate family can't even come. I don't know what fun that would be.

For some, that would be really fun

I am not a fan of DW but not because I think the b&g are being selfish but because it is inevitable that someone will have a problem when a family member declines the invitation because they will expect you to be there. It doesn't have to be the b&g in order for family relationships to be strained over a DW wedding.
Having said that, I think a couple can plan whatever wedding they want if that is what makes them happy. It IS their day and they are asking that you come share it with them, if you can

 

[WDSearcher]

Well, we talked to nephew and he gave us some ballpark numbers. He's really trying to keep it Affordable so I'm hopeful we can manage the trip. We'll see just how much the surcharge for NEW Year's week will be.

I've read this far, and I really think the problem is you. You're hoping someone will come up with the perfect clear-cut answer so that you don't have to make the decision. That, unfortunately, is not going to happen!

You started by saying that you were initially excited and that you could afford it and that you knew it would change some other vacations, but that was okay.

Then you thought more about it and started worrying about the mom's reaction and started to feel resentful.

Then you talked to some other people about it and THEY told you that you shouldn't go and so you started second-guessing.

Then you decided no! You didn't want to sacrifice your other vacations for this and that it was going to be too expensive and you were just not going to go.

Now ... you're back to deciding to go again.

I think you should flip a coin. Seriously. Because when you honestly don't know what you want -- and you seem to honestly not know what you want -- and you flip a coin, at some point when it's in the air, you suddenly start hoping for a certain outcome. And then your decision is made.

But honestly -- you seem to be going back and forth and trying so hard not to disappoint anyone. I think maybe you might be perceiving your attendance at your nephew's wedding as being much more important than it really is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But honestly -- you seem to be going back and forth and trying so hard not to disappoint anyone. I think maybe you might be perceiving your attendance at your nephew's wedding as being much more important than it really is.

Now that is something I totally agree with.

I say always go with your gut and if you gut knows that taking money out of savings to cover a DW is not something that you are comfortable with then you have to listen to that inner voice.

You did not realize the enormity of the expense for a trip for a family of 4 at an AI during peak times.

Spending 7000 grand to attend ANY wedding is nuts to me. I don't think I would go for my own kid for that cost.

 

[ksjayhawks]

When a couple plans a destination wedding they need to realize that many, if not most, of the invited guests will not attend. They need to accept a no graciously.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, it doesn't matter that you go on other vacations, noone--and that includes dh's mom--gets to dictate where you go on vacation and more importantly, how you spend YOUR money!

Why do you feel you will be guilted into going? Will the other siblings? MIL cannot tell you what to do. If the others aren't going, you should not feel that you have to go either.

If you are not close to the nephew, it would be an easy "sorry we cannot attend" and send a gift/card. Go ahead with your plans--don't give up you DLR vacation for this.

Also, prices are not going to drop at that time of the year, if anything they will continue to go up.

 

[elaine amj]

Now that is something I totally agree with.

I say always go with your gut and if you gut knows that taking money out of savings to cover a DW is not something that you are comfortable with then you have to listen to that inner voice.

You did not realize the enormity of the expense for a trip for a family of 4 at an AI during peak times.

Spending 7000 grand to attend ANY wedding is nuts to me. I don't think I would go for my own kid for that cost.

This thread has been a great way to think out loud and consider all the possibilities out there. Thank u all so much...it's been so incredibly helpful!

When I first agreed, I really didn't consider the possibility of not attending. The night I started this thread was the first time I actually looked at price ranges for AIs as our nephew had never given us any ideas as to prices. Up to then, we didn't include it into our budgets as all this time DH said not to worry about it - we would just pay whatever. My budget side kicked in that night....as the money has to come from somewhere!

The perspective on this thread really helped a lot. In my research on AI costs, I stumbled over bride discussions like, "if they cared enough they would make the extra effort to be there" or "the guests who came are the ones who really love me". That's when I started getting annoyed.

I'm still waffling and will likely not make a final decision until we know all price details. If its $3-4K, we'll likely go. If it's $6-7k, then that is likely beyond what we want to spend. I'd like to do it but now am not willing to make too many sacrifices to do it. If we don't go, we'll send him a nice cheque.

BTW, u are all right...I have been putting a lot of the pressure on myself. I have to keep in mind this is our nephew. If it was one of DH's brothers, we would likely sacrifice more.

 

[Ember]

!

The perspective on this thread really helped a lot. In my research on AI costs, I stumbled over bride discussions like, "if they cared enough they would make the extra effort to be there" or "the guests who came are the ones who really love me". That's when I started getting annoyed.

An attitude like that would annoy anyone!! What an entitled and bratty thing to say (or even think!).

I doubt your nephew is anything like that, though some other family sounds like they might be... But in that case you don't want to bow to their nonsense anyways. Go if you *want* to go. Otherwise stand your ground and tell anyone who asks to mind their own bees-wax!

 

[mrsklamc]

The perspective on this thread really helped a lot. In my research on AI costs, I stumbled over bride discussions like, "if they cared enough they would make the extra effort to be there" or "the guests who came are the ones who really love me". That's when I started getting annoyed.

Well then yes, those particular brides ARE spoiled selfish brats. But just because someone plans a DW doesn't mean they are selfish. I would talk to nephew again and see where they fall.....though I guess it doesn't really matter all that much. If they don't care, they don't care, and if they are spoiled selfish brats- then who cares?

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Well then yes, those particular brides ARE spoiled selfish brats. But just because someone plans a DW doesn't mean they are selfish.

I mean, it depends on the situation. If my sister could not afford to come to my wedding because she was about to have a baby, yeah it would be selfish of me to have a DW.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I have been to 1 DW - a cruise to Alaska. DH and I went because it gave us an excuse to go on a trip we wanted to go on anyway! DH is best friends with the groom.

However this trip was nothing but DRAMA. Very few people came. The bride and groom originally said the were deciding between an Alaskan and a Caribbean cruise. We all assumed (yes, you should never assume) that they would pick the Caribbean cruise out of FL, since the bride's father is 90 and lives in Florida. Nope. Alaska it was.

The whole trip ended up being the bride and groom, her DM and DSF, his DM, DF, and DB (DS refused), me and DH, and his parent's friends (who are regular cruisers and were planning to go anyway). The bride's DF flew to Juneau for 1 DAY to give her away and flew back to FL.

We spent all of our time with groom's family. The groom had to spend all of his time with the bride's family. We barely saw him. It broke his mother's heart. There was some other stuff, but I won't go in to it.

That is a case of when a DW goes bad.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Op, I wouldn't feel bad at all saying you choose to go on your own family trip. My opinion is that if someone chooses to have a destination wedding, then they are not really caring if most of the family and friends are there for them. I know someone that had a DW and she was hoping that most of the people did NOT come because it would be cheaper for her. She said that she did not have to pay for a reception in her home town and basically she was already there at the DW site for her honeymoon. This really surprised me and left a bad taste in my mouth and I was glad I was not invited to that wedding. I have been saving for several years to take my granddaughter to WDW and there is no way I would take away from that.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I mean, it depends on the situation. If my sister could not afford to come to my wedding because she was about to have a baby, yeah it would be selfish of me to have a DW.

What happens when the destination wedding is planned before the pregnancy??? Who is the selfish one now?

Weddings and funerals, gotta love 'em, they both certainly make you see people's true colors (and by that I mean within your own family, not you all here on the DIS)!

 

[dakcp2001]

Unless the destination wedding was one of my siblings’ or one of my parents’, I would likely pass on it no matter how much it cost. Weddings are supposed to be about your guests; if not, you could just elope, and it would be all about you. I think it’s sort of rude to tell your guests they have to blow their yearly budget to come see you get married.

Weddings are about the guests?! WRONG! That is the craziest thing i have ever heard. It is about the marriage. You completely missed the boat here. Guests are invited to celebrate the marriage. The marriage is what the weddings about.


Yikes.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

Weddings are about the guests?! WRONG! That is the craziest thing i have ever heard. It is about the marriage. You completely missed the boat here. Guests are invited to celebrate the marriage. The marriage is what the weddings about.

Yikes.

Exactly what I was thinking!

 

[elaine amj]

Weddings are about the guests?! WRONG! That is the craziest thing i have ever heard. It is about the marriage. You completely missed the boat here. Guests are invited to celebrate the marriage. The marriage is what the weddings about.

Yikes.

To me, weddings are about celebrating your marriage with your loved ones. What's the point of a wedding celebration without the impt ppl in your life there with u? An elopement would be private and intimate and focused on just the bride and groom. For me, i chose to got married 3 times in 3 different countries to make sure everyone got a chance to celebrate with me.

That said, I know some couples prefer to focus on themselves and its ok if their loved ones are not a part of it. And while not something I would ever have liked, that's their choice and I respect that.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

To me, weddings are about celebrating your marriage with your loved ones. What's the point of a wedding celebration without the impt ppl in your life there with u? An elopement would be private and intimate and focused on just the bride and groom. For me, i chose to got married 3 times in 3 different countries to make sure everyone got a chance to celebrate with me.

That said, I know some couples prefer to focus on themselves and its ok if their loved ones are not a part of it. And while not something I would ever have liked, that's their choice and I respect that.

Wait...so you had three different weddings?

 

[dakcp2001]

To me, weddings are about celebrating your marriage with your loved ones. What's the point of a wedding celebration without the impt ppl in your life there with u? An elopement would be private and intimate and focused on just the bride and groom. For me, i chose to got married 3 times in 3 different countries to make sure everyone got a chance to celebrate with me.

That said, I know some couples prefer to focus on themselves and its ok if their loved ones are not a part of it. And while not something I would ever have liked, that's their choice and I respect that.

Uh, 3 weddings? I think that might be a tad overdoing it. Weddings are about celebrating a marriage. Without the marriage there would be no party. I get why some people want the party ( or well three I guess) but the point of the wedding is the marriage not the party.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Uh, 3 weddings? I think that might be a tad overdoing it. Weddings are about celebrating a marriage. Without the marriage there would be no party. I get why some people want the party ( or well three I guess) but the point of the wedding is the marriage not the party.

This. I had a small wedding at a courthouse. Only our immediate family attended and later we had a BBQ that afternoon and some family members arrived. Some people couldn't attend and they were fine with that. They were just happy we were married and happy.

 

[TLSnell1981]

.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. .

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".
. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend .

You can afford to go, but could fund an additional trip or a cruise instead? The decision is based on, where YOU want to spend YOUR vacation and how much fun YOU will have? This seems to be your priority, not attending your nephew's wedding. So, why all the fuss?

 

[LiveYourLife]

For me, i chose to got married 3 times in 3 different countries to make sure everyone got a chance to celebrate with me.

Then you and your husband should be the LEAST critical of your BIL's/Brother's choice of wedding venue.

Oh, and before I forget, some Couples chose to elope because they want it to just be the two of them (because that's what it's all about, sorry hokey pokey), or they don't have the money for a wedding, or they need to get married quickly because one spouse is facing a deployment, or she got pregnant, or maybe they just want to buy a house instead of a wedding. Their union, their choice.

As many have said on this thread a marriage is about two people (See what I did there? Fingers
crossed!!) committing their love to one another. It isn't about the wedding celebration (or three), and the people who can or can't be there.

I'm not going to criticize you for having three wedding celebrations, in three different countries, in order to allow everyone to have a chance to celebrate with you, as that was your choice, but I have to say you have the concept of irony down pat!

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Then you and your husband should be the LEAST critical of your BIL's/Brother's choice of wedding venue.

Oh, and before I forget, some Couples chose to elope because they want it to just be the two of them (because that's what it's all about, sorry hokey pokey), or they don't have the money for a wedding, or they need to get married quickly because one spouse is facing a deployment, or she got pregnant, or maybe they just want to buy a house instead of a wedding. Their union, their choice.

As many have said on this thread a marriage is about two people (See what I did there? Fingers
crossed!!) committing their love to one another. It isn't about the wedding celebration (or three), and the people who can or can't be there.

I'm not going to criticize you for having three wedding celebrations, in three different countries, in order to allow everyone to have a chance to celebrate with you, as that was your choice, but I have to say you have the concept of irony down pat!

I am imagining a post on a message board similar to this saying " Can you believe our daughter, niece, whomever in law is having 3 weddings!" and all the comments following about being selfish and a princess. Sometimes you need to take a step back in look in the mirror before criticizing someone else's choice.