Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[dakcp2001]

The wedding is about celebrating a marriage. Not making sure Aunt Susie is pleased. The "complainers" will hopefully be weeded out by a destination wedding. A lot of people travel for family weddings. At least in Mexico or WDW there are various options and a lot of flexibility on where to stay. If the destination wedding is at an all inclusive in Mexico, most allow you to buy a day pass to attend if you choose to stay someplace more affordable. But then you will miss out on all the time with family. I've attended a few DW and I love them! It is rare to get to spend that kind of quality time with family in a vacation setting. My family does a lot of them. Most people do go.

That is the thing though. No one is forcing you to go. If you don't want to go, don't go. Pretty simple.

 

[mrsklamc]

I think the bride and groom expect their immediate family to attend.

I don't think that's true. I think when a destination wedding is chosen, the bride and groom are choosing location over guests- even if it's immediate family. If there is someone whose presence they find really important, they may offer to pay if they decline, but it is a command performance for no one.

 

[2girls4me]

Question, what if your BIL's wedding was not at WDW. Say it was in Minot, ND, because that is the Bride's hometown and where most of her Family lives. Would it still bug you? Would you feel this particular choice of Wedding location was selfish? I'm genuinely curious. No snark. No sarcasm. Honest engine

If the brides entire family lived in ND, it would be reasonable to expect the wedding to be there.

No one in either family lives in Florida. They are just Disney obsessed. It's just off putting, but I know it's going to be a fun wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

Question, what if your BIL's wedding was not at WDW. Say it was in Minot, ND, because that is the Bride's hometown and where most of her Family lives. Would it still bug you? Would you feel this particular choice of Wedding location was selfish? I'm genuinely curious. No snark. No sarcasm. Honest engine

Our niece got married close to there (I think). That's where the couple is currently living. Unfortunately, both families are on the east coast. DH went solo. I would've preferred almost anywhere else!

 

[goofy4tink]

In my very personal opinion, a destination wedding is indeed a selfish choice. Other people may very well want to share the couple's day with them, and destination weddings keep a lot of potential guests at home. Still, it's their wedding, and they're entitled to be selfish about it -- but if anyone else is "expected" to attend, and the couple aren't paying the expenses, then it goes past a reasonable selfishness to rudeness. I think that the bottom line should be:

"Am I comfortable and happy spending the money to attend this wedding?"

If the answer is no, then send regrets and move on. Notice I didn't say anything about being able to afford it, or about setting priorities, or any of those Disboard financial wizardly things.

Personally, I wouldn't even THINK about spending $3K to go to anybody's wedding, period. But then, I'm notoriously cheap.

It's up to each couple to decide where, and how, they want to get married. If they chose a distant location, from the vast majority of family, then they are going to have to know that some people are just not going to be able to make it. And others will have to make judgement calls. Most people aren't all that gungho on going to weddings, no matter where they are!!
Now, back 23 years ago (next weekend!) when I got married (second time around) we had a very small wedding. We wanted it to be under 40, but it grew to 90!!! Married in my family church, reception held about 5 miles away. Now, my dh's family had a lot of people they would have liked to have included, but we just couldn't afford a larger party. So, they had a party at their home, on the Cape, over that summer. Yes, most people brought gifts but that wasn't the reason for the get together...that was for all their friends to meet the happy couple!!!

Then, my dd's godfather, who has been my dh's best friend since high school, finally got married to his long time girlfriend out in San Diego last July. It was very small...only the immediate family, in a civil ceremony. But, they had a wonderful beach party reception in late Sept...we went to that and had a wonderful time in sunny San Diego for a week!!! So, yeah, sometimes things are done in a not so normal way.

You pick a destination wedding, you have to know that your wedding isn't going to be attended by everyone. I refuse to go into debt so I can go to Mexico for someone's wedding!!! Geez, heading to Seattle for my nephew's wedding in June is bad enough, but at least I only have to pay airfare!!! If I had had to pay for a room and a rental car I wouldn't be going!!!

 

[okeydokey]

Wanted to add. It is quite rude for anyone directly tied to the decision of a DW to give any of the guests, whether friends or family, "flack" about not attending.

That is not right, and as the host, to do that is very gauche.

And that what this thread is about, at least to me. It is the expectation that others will go and the hard feelings that arise when they don't.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Unless the destination wedding was one of my siblings’ or one of my parents’, I would likely pass on it no matter how much it cost. Weddings are supposed to be about your guests; if not, you could just elope, and it would be all about you. I think it’s sort of rude to tell your guests they have to blow their yearly budget to come see you get married.

 

[mrsklamc]

Weddings are supposed to be about your guests; .

Weddings are about pledging your lives to each other. Guests are completely unnecessary.

Essentially a destination wedding IS eloping, but telling other people they can come if they really want to- which is a lot more meaningful than a church full of your parents' friends and your third cousin twice removed whose name you can't even come up with.

 

[Shutterbug]

Weddings are about pledging your lives to each other. Guests are completely unnecessary.

Essentially a destination wedding IS eloping, but telling other people they can come if they really want to- which is a lot more meaningful than a church full of your parents' friends and your third cousin twice removed whose name you can't even come up with.

I agree with this.

 

[Shutterbug]

Unless the destination wedding was one of my siblings’ or one of my parents’, I would likely pass on it no matter how much it cost. Weddings are supposed to be about your guests; if not, you could just elope, and it would be all about you. I think it’s sort of rude to tell your guests they have to blow their yearly budget to come see you get married.

Wrong

 

[Ember]

OP, just don't go. Tell anyone who gives you a hard time to be quiet and ignore them.

I had a destination wedding. I would have been thrilled if it had been just us and my mum (who was all for it!). As it was we sent out 40 invites and 21 people joined us, 6 of whom we paid for. (We paid for the bridal party and a beloved aunt who very much wanted to go.) There was absolutely NO expectation that anyone be there. We even made clear to our bridal party that we understood if they didn't want to take the time off (even a paid for trip is using up time someone might want to use else where. We understood that.)

It is a big deal to travel for someone else. Don't do it and resent it. Then it is just a waste. Also, frankly, I don't think the ability to "afford it" shouldn't matter at all. It is your money and your time. No one has the right to put expectations on you about how you spend either. If one of my friends or family had declined to come to my wedding but then spent thousands on something else... What business is that of mine? A wedding invitation is just that, it is not a summons or a requirement.

As for weddings being about the guests, I agree to a point. We planned the wedding we wanted. Then we asked the people we wanted to be there if they would like to join us. Knowing it would be a small wedding, we put our money into trying to give our guests the best time possible, arranging to transport and as many "extras" as we could to make our loved ones feel appreciated. Whenever you extend an invitation you are hosting. If you don't want to pay attention to guest comfort, don't invite any. (Which goes for both at home and destination weddings.)

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Wrong

LOL, it's my opinion. As mentioned several times in this thread, there is nothing more annoying than a couple who thinks their wedding EVENT is for them to the point of inconveniencing their guests!

 

[mrsklamc]

Was it Elenor Roosevelt that said no one can make you feel inferior without your consent? I would modify it to 'no bride can inconvenience you without your consent.'

 

[luvmy3]

LOL, it's my opinion. As mentioned several times in this thread, there is nothing more annoying than a couple who thinks their wedding EVENT is for them to the point of inconveniencing their guests!

I don't think that is fair to say about any couple who decides to have a DW though. You are free to decline the invite, and there are actually brides and grooms that are okay with that. Or do you just assume that one becomes Bridezilla the instant their boyfriend gives them a diamond?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Was it Elenor Roosevelt that said no one can make you feel inferior without your consent? I would modify it to 'no bride can inconvenience you without your consent.'

You are missing the part where it usually it NOT the bride/groom giving the flack, it is the other family members.

 

[mrsklamc]

You are missing the part where it usually it NOT the bride/groom giving the flack, it is the other family members.

Yeah but I just don't care about them

What bugs me is people saying it is 'selfish' to have a destination wedding. 'Selfish' is the attitude that some people have toward destination weddings that lets them think that they were some reason entitled to be at someone else's wedding.

 

[gwynne]

Yeah but I just don't care about them

What bugs me is people saying it is 'selfish' to have a destination wedding. 'Selfish' is the attitude that some people have toward destination weddings that lets them think that they were some reason entitled to be at someone else's wedding.

I thinks sometimes folks would like to attend a wedding, but when it becomes a vacation wedding it's impossible. Maybe some years back (before all the economy turmoil) folks had more flexibility with their own vacations and time off, but many don't now. I can usually figure out how to fly to someone's hometown on a Fri, attend the wedding on Sat, and fly back on Sun. That doesn't really affect our own family vacation time.
We haven't yet attended a vacation wedding. We just don't get oodles of time off. That said, I always send a nice gift when I can't attend.

 

[ManyMinnie]

Unless the destination wedding was one of my siblings’ or one of my parents’, I would likely pass on it no matter how much it cost. Weddings are supposed to be about your guests; if not, you could just elope, and it would be all about you. I think it’s sort of rude to tell your guests they have to blow their yearly budget to come see you get married.

Weddings are supposed to be about the bride and groom.

 

[mrsklamc]

I thinks sometimes folks would like to attend a wedding, but when it becomes a vacation wedding it's impossible.

Ok, but that doesn't make it 'selfish' of the bride and groom.

A friend of mine spent last weekend on a deserted island in the bahamas. I wasn't invited. That doesn't make it selfish- it was her vacation, there was no reason she should have invited me, even though I would have liked to go. It's crazy to think that if it's someone's wedding, people think they are entitled to go for some reason and it becomes 'selfish.' It's THEIR wedding and should be just the way they want it. If people don't want to or can't afford to go, that does not make the couple getting married 'selfish.'

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I don't think that is fair to say about any couple who decides to have a DW though. You are free to decline the invite, and there are actually brides and grooms that are okay with that. Or do you just assume that one becomes Bridezilla the instant their boyfriend gives them a diamond?

Well, a lot do, LOL. But IMHO, just talking about this ONE situation in the OP, it sounds like the couples' immediate family can't even come. I don't know what fun that would be.