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[DisFlan]

Wow. What an unhappy mess. I can't tell anyone else what to do, but if it were my family, I'd state how everyone feels - and move on. If you don't, you might be setting up a problem for the future. He knows you're upset with him, so you'd see even less of him. If bad feelings drag out into the months or years ahead, everybody pays for it. It truly is the "gift" that keeps on giving.

And at this point, I doubt, aside from crawling until his knees are bloody, that there's anything this kid can do to make up for what's happened. He did what he did. He either understands the gravity of what he did or he doesn't - and maybe never will. You can't do anything about it. Tell him you're disappointed (VERY disappointed) with what he did but you love him anyway - and move on. Life has lots of love and happiness in the future for the rest of your family. Please don't let this darken it.

DisFlan

 

[eliza61]

Okay, I will try to be brief. I know this has nothing to do with Disney, but I know you guys will help. My stepson is graduating this weekend and he only gets a set number of tickets to give out. He is only giving us 2 and there are 4 of us. Myself, dh, and our 2 girls (his half sisters). Our girls don't understand why they cannot go and frankly I am a little upset about it. His mom is not married so that is only one for her. He only has one set of grandparents so that is 2 more. So, should anyone else be more important than his own sisters? If I am overracting tell me, but I am having a hard time explaining to them why they cannot see their brother graduate. They don't see the difference in half brother or not, to them and to me he is their brother. There have many things lately that he has done to us that seem to exclude us in his life also, but that is a different story. I just don't know how to feel. On one hand, I feel like not attending because it will hurt my girls, but if I don't go, it will hurt him. I feel like nobobdy wins here. How should I handle this? Sometimes I think it is way harder being a stepmom than an mom. I am both, and I can tell you that stepmom is harder most of the time.

Sorry I do think you're over reacting. When I graduated College, I only got 4 tickets. Period. I had 2 sets of grandparents, 3 siblings and a fiancee. Some one had to go. A school has a finite amount of space. They can only legally hold so many people. Give your daughters the benefit of the doubt, if you explain to them the rules they may just understand. Why not have them plan a special "graduation" dinner. They can make invitations, pick a menu etc, etc. My son graduates next year, he will only get 4 tickets, once again with ex husbands, exhusbands wife, grandparents and siblings, some one is not going.
Lastly whether or not his mom is remarried is a moot point, she's his mom so what she does with the other tickets really does not involve you.

Oh you're girls are lucky, 1 you're a great mom and 2. graduations are seriously boring, they are not missing any thing. I was bored stifeless at my own graduation.

 

[Magic Mom]

You tell him how hurt the girls were...and you and your husband. I am not saying this to blow this off, but he is a teenager and they can be a holes ; )... very ego driven. He still needs to be told how much it hurts and how crappy you all feel.
You cant ban him from the family.... trust me I have wanted to do the same a cpl of times ; ).

When my youngest would get upset I did make sure he was on the phone right away calling his brother to talk to him. Can you do that with your kids?
A little guilt isnt a bad thing, it really made Brad feel bad when he hurt his little brother.

I also think maybe its time for Dad and son to spend a bit of time together. Mine hunt and fish and golf together, also video game wars break out frequently at our place and I alway leave the room to let the men in my family have their time.

You all will get through this, it just hurts right now and I know that all you are wanting to do is protect your DH and girls and prob slap the snot out of a teenager ; )

I agree with this, and want to add that if you do talk to him, tell him how it made YOU feel, but don't do the whole "you really hurt your father" thing. When i was younger nothing pushed me away faster then my Step mom telling me I was being a bad daughter (the reality of that is doubtful at best, but that's another thread). If your Dh is hurt then he should be the one to tell DSS not you.

 

[ilovejack02]

I agree with this, and want to add that if you do talk to him, tell him how it made YOU feel, but don't do the whole "you really hurt your father" thing. When i was younger nothing pushed me away faster then my Step mom telling me I was being a bad daughter (the reality of that is doubtful at best, but that's another thread). If your Dh is hurt then he should be the one to tell DSS not you.

Right, I would do a talk as a cpl or have dad do all the talking.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Good points...I don't know to much about the "step" dynamic of things. My parents are still married...nearly 50 years...and it'll be 19 years for me (tomorrow). Wow...where does time go?

 

[DisFlan]

Good points...I don't know to much about the "step" dynamic of things. My parents are still married...nearly 50 years...and it'll be 19 years for me (tomorrow). Wow...where does time go?

We'll be celebrating our 37th in August. That's about the only reason I posted in this thread. After 37 years, we've seen almost anything that can happen in a family. And we've pretty much learned what can help lead to good outcomes - or bad ones. In all those years, I've never seen bad feelings, blame and/or recriminations lead to better things.

DisFlan

 

[lmillercrew]

I think you just need to explain that there is only 2 tickets and there isn't enough room in the auditorium. Unfortunately, that's just the way it is. Kids need to learn that life isn't always fair and that they can help with the party. (great idea someone had) It really is his day and teenagers don't think about others. My high school had limited seating too.

 

[dunbarfamily]

I haven't read through all the posts, so if I'm redundant, please excuse me.

Tough situation. Milestones bring with them so many emotions. I'm sorry that he only gave you two tickets. Being a child of divorced parents is hard, and it sounds like maybe he did the best he could. Maybe explain to your girls that he just doesn't have enough tickets and come up with an alternative celebration? Maybe a cookout at your house and he could wear his gown for pics with you, your husband and the girls?

It is tough for a child to feel pulled in both directions. Even now as an adult, when it comes to holidays and the children's birthday parties, I have to plan very, very carefully becasue one parent will not come if the other is there.

Good luck, and congrats on his graduation! Lets not lose sight of that important occasion!

 

[Rylee]

The only thing that I thought of about this is what about my dh. He is the dad and I don't want to over step my boundaries. I think I will talk this over with dh first. What if he wants to be the one writing the note. I just don't know how to do it so that he knows how everyone feels, not just me. I am not the only one that is hurt over this. Thanks for your idea about the letter though. It really might be the only thing we can try right now.

I don't think either of you should write him a note. TALK to him... have father and son have a heart to heart.

I realize, at 18, and as a high school graduate, he is considered an adult now, but we will always be parents. As the parent, it is appropriate to let your child know he handle it the wrong way, his behavior was unacceptable, disappointed his family members, was rude, inconsiderate, etc., (or whatever the case might be.)

I'm not saying anyone should lash out at him, or speak in anger, but I do think a sincere inquiry about his feelings, followed by a... "We were all hurt by your thoughtlessness. We are proud of you and wanted to celebrate. Your step-mother made a beautiful meal and decorated a cake, and your little sisters decorated and were so excited..... "

It is absolutely okay to let him know, what he did, is not okay. Even if he was "just being a irresponsible teenager" he should have known better... and if he doesn't, then it is your DH's job to tell him

I know you've mentioned he says nothing is wrong, but some boys have a hard time discussing their feelings... men, too, so I would continue to keep the communication open. And, not only with words, but actions.

 

[Deb & Bill]

He's living mostly with his mother. His mother isn't getting any child support for him. He is all she has. Now he has to "betray" his mother and have a party with his father, step mother and half sisters. This must be pretty hard for him. You don't know what he is going through with his mother, what he hears from her. I'd bet it's not something pleasant.

By not showing up at the party, he showed his mom that he doesn't really care about the rest of you. That he was loyal to her.

He's still a kid who doesn't deserve the grief everyone is giving him. He's an 18 yr old "adult" (by the court), who doesn't really hasn't had that great a life because he's had to try to make his mother happy, his father happy, his step mother happy, his half sisters happy, but nobody really cares about his happiness. He's not the center of anyone's world.

 

[java]

As a child of divorce here is a little more perspective. It maybe that he is getting to the age where he is questioning what really happened between his parents. At that age is a time when you are becoming your own person- and then can be harshly judgemental of others. I didn't talk to my father for about 10 years. (oh the stories I could tell...) But now he lives about 5 minutes away from us and is like my 5th child. He hangs around and is trying to make up for mistakes of the past.
And I'll let him- he's my dad. Give him time. I think it is hard to expect "rational" from a child of divorce when it comes to the parent that left. And believe me no matter how amicable it was in a child's mind the one he isn't living with is the one that "left".

Does it stink-yes. and do I think he was incredibly rude yes. But there is a lot of baggage in his relationship with his father that tends to come to the surface at milestones like graduations- weddings- ect.......
It's part of the wreckage from a divorce. But I can say if he is at all like I was- he will get over it.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

I have always bitten my tongue and never bad mouthed her in front of him because I respect that she is his mother no matter what, but if I do find out that it was her, we will have words. I do love him and have been in his life for 12 years. I am not going to be pushed out unless he flat out tells me to get out.

First, I agree that your stepson's behavior was unacceptable on every level. Should've been there, should've called at a minimum, all of that. I know how hard it is to see your small children crying and disappointed, believe me. My son used to do the same thing when his irresponsible dad "forgot" to pick him up or even call. It was pitiful.

I do think there is something more going on with him that his dad ought to get to the bottom of. I noticed something in your siggie that jumped out at me, that it's you, DH, and your DD6 and DD8 (can't remember the ages). Then your post above says DSS has been in your life 12 years but he's not included in your "family"? Can there be some of that bleeding over into your real life at home? I'm not accusing, just asking... I'm the mom of 3 kids, one of whom is a DSS to my DH. I'm very sensitive to DH segregating him in any way from his biological kids, which is why I probably noticed your sig in the first place.

Just a thought about what might be bubbling under some of DSS's behavior...

 

[iheartdisney]

OK, I've been lurking since the last post. Let me tell you, teenagers are still brain-damaged. Psycologically speaking, the world still revolves around them.
I remember when I greaduated, my favorite uncle drove 3 hours down to see it, and be there for me. Too bad I was with my friends the whole weekend, doing the "post-graduation" stuff. Thinking about it with 10 years perspective, I feel terrible, every time I see him at family reunions and stuff. It was nothing personal, I love my uncle and his family to death, but being with my friends was sooo important at the time.
I'm sorry you and your girls are the victim of teenage brain damage.

 

[mommyaof2]

To The Little Roo:

Thank you for your thoughts. I will explain to you about my signature just like I have to several others who have pointed it out. The one and only reason that I don't have him listed is because he has never vacationed with us. These boards are primarily about Disney vacations and he has never gone on vacation with us. Not because we didn't want him to, but because it wasn't in the visitation schedule that was established long before I came along and was never changed because we did not have the money to go back to court. We tried working these things out with his mom, but nothing can ever be worked out with her. I did ask him if he wanted to go with us on our next trip since he is now of age and he doesn't want to leave his mom on a holiday. So, I did offer to go at a different time and he said it was for kids. That is the only reason I do not have him in my signature or screen name. I have helped take care of him most of his life and at times done more for him than our girls just to be sure he didn't feel left out. So, please let me clear any doubts. He has not been treated like the so called "step child." I have really tried not to make a difference. I honestly have never thought a thing about my signature. It is only for the dis boards.

 

[mommyaof2]

I also wanted to fill you guys in on what we are going to do. My dh has decided to spend some one on one time with him to try and figure out what is really going on here. Maybe without myself, or our dds present, he will tell what is really going on in his head. He is also going to let him know that his behavior hurt us and is not acceptable. Even though he is a teenager, he still needs to know that you can't treat people this way in life. I hope that it all works out. I am really hoping though that he is just going through a selfish spell and will come to his senses and see that we all really do love him. Otherwise, we wouldn't even care about all of this.

 

[mommyaof2]

I don't think either of you should write him a note. TALK to him... have father and son have a heart to heart.

I realize, at 18, and as a high school graduate, he is considered an adult now, but we will always be parents. As the parent, it is appropriate to let your child know he handle it the wrong way, his behavior was unacceptable, disappointed his family members, was rude, inconsiderate, etc., (or whatever the case might be.)

I'm not saying anyone should lash out at him, or speak in anger, but I do think a sincere inquiry about his feelings, followed by a... "We were all hurt by your thoughtlessness. We are proud of you and wanted to celebrate. Your step-mother made a beautiful meal and decorated a cake, and your little sisters decorated and were so excited..... "

It is absolutely okay to let him know, what he did, is not okay. Even if he was "just being a irresponsible teenager" he should have known better... and if he doesn't, then it is your DH's job to tell him

I know you've mentioned he says nothing is wrong, but some boys have a hard time discussing their feelings... men, too, so I would continue to keep the communication open. And, not only with words, but actions.

Thanks. I have to say that I agree with everything you are saying. You are right about the boy thing and expressing feelings though. My dh is not too good about expressing his feelings sometimes either.

 

[mommyaof2]

He's living mostly with his mother. His mother isn't getting any child support for him. He is all she has. Now he has to "betray" his mother and have a party with his father, step mother and half sisters. This must be pretty hard for him. You don't know what he is going through with his mother, what he hears from her. I'd bet it's not something pleasant.

By not showing up at the party, he showed his mom that he doesn't really care about the rest of you. That he was loyal to her.

He's still a kid who doesn't deserve the grief everyone is giving him. He's an 18 yr old "adult" (by the court), who doesn't really hasn't had that great a life because he's had to try to make his mother happy, his father happy, his step mother happy, his half sisters happy, but nobody really cares about his happiness. He's not the center of anyone's world.

You know, what you said has really hit me hard. I honestly have never thought about it this way. I have never really considered how hard it must be to be in his shoes too. That is why I really needed help on this one. Before anything is said or before anyone has a talk with him, I think I really needed to hear the things that are being said. Thank you so much!

 

[bumbershoot]

My dds are crushed and I had to sit them down last night and try to explain why their brother didn't show up for his own party and again why they couldn't go to his graduation.....You see, they don't see him as their half brother, they just see him as their brother. I have always referred to him as their brother and nothing else.

I have always tried my best to treat him like my own, so why should now be any different?

Obviously I dont' know what's going on in his head.

But here's the thing. He is NOT their full brother. And he is NOT your son. They might think of it that way b/c they have never known a world without him, and you can try all you want, but it's not the facts. He remembers a time when you weren't around and when he didn't have half-sisters. They don't, but he does.

Yes, I'm the oldest of a total of 5. It's me and my full brother, then it's my half brothers and half sister. The sister is almost like a third family, because she was born 10 years after the second half-brother, and I was 25.

I love them dearly, my half sis was a junior b'maid in my wedding and I braved a war between my full brother and our father by inviting everyone to share the space together at my wedding (and that's when my dad put the final nail into the coffin of his "relationship" with my full brother).

But the fact is, my stepmom is my STEPmom, and my half sibs aren't my full sibs. I remember a time that they weren't around, even though there was never a time when I wasn't around for the sibs, and even though my stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 9ish.


I don't know about all the parties, because I simply went to my friend's house for a grad party, since none of my parents could have one (too broke). In fact I don't even remember much about my graduation other than it was hot and we had to turn in our caps before we got our diplomas. I couldn't tell you if my dad or stepmom were there.

It might be forgetfulness, it might be his mom, it might be feeling smothered, it might be just that he was having a blast with his friends, who knows? But unless HE is saying that he never feels that his half sisters are half sisters, and that you never treated him like a step, YOU saying all of that might very well mean nothing to him.

 

[Rylee]

I also wanted to fill you guys in on what we are going to do. My dh has decided to spend some one on one time with him to try and figure out what is really going on here. Maybe without myself, or our dds present, he will tell what is really going on in his head. He is also going to let him know that his behavior hurt us and is not acceptable. Even though he is a teenager, he still needs to know that you can't treat people this way in life. I hope that it all works out. I am really hoping though that he is just going through a selfish spell and will come to his senses and see that we all really do love him. Otherwise, we wouldn't even care about all of this.

I think this is a good thing. Even if he doesn't open up, he'll have this time/conversation to look back on and know that his father took the time, made the effort and cared enough to ask.

 

[Rylee]

Obviously I dont' know what's going on in his head.

But here's the thing. He is NOT their full brother. And he is NOT your son. They might think of it that way b/c they have never known a world without him, and you can try all you want, but it's not the facts. He remembers a time when you weren't around and when he didn't have half-sisters. They don't, but he does.

Yes, I'm the oldest of a total of 5. It's me and my full brother, then it's my half brothers and half sister. The sister is almost like a third family, because she was born 10 years after the second half-brother, and I was 25.

I love them dearly, my half sis was a junior b'maid in my wedding and I braved a war between my full brother and our father by inviting everyone to share the space together at my wedding (and that's when my dad put the final nail into the coffin of his "relationship" with my full brother).

But the fact is, my stepmom is my STEPmom, and my half sibs aren't my full sibs. I remember a time that they weren't around, even though there was never a time when I wasn't around for the sibs, and even though my stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 9ish.


I don't know about all the parties, because I simply went to my friend's house for a grad party, since none of my parents could have one (too broke). In fact I don't even remember much about my graduation other than it was hot and we had to turn in our caps before we got our diplomas. I couldn't tell you if my dad or stepmom were there.

It might be forgetfulness, it might be his mom, it might be feeling smothered, it might be just that he was having a blast with his friends, who knows? But unless HE is saying that he never feels that his half sisters are half sisters, and that you never treated him like a step, YOU saying all of that might very well mean nothing to him.

What you are saying is true... but because it's a fact, doesn't mean it has to be an issue.

My sister has children who are half-siblings. One day I heard someone say, "Oh, they are half sisters," to which she replied, "There is no half anything is our house."

I'm adpoted and I don't believe my mother(adoptive mother) could have loved me more, had I been her own.

There are plenty of families with half and step children/siblings, and the love they share, would be no greater, if they shared the same genetic make-up.