Debate: Do you let your kids lie?

[LisaR]

Trying to spice things up a bit. The thread about letting a 9 year old get a Facebook account has a lot of references to lying about age in it.

My kids lie and I let them.......even encourage them at times. I am not at all concerned about them lying about things that matter.

DS has multiple food allergies. He can't eat out without tremendous effort on my part. He HATES going to friend's birthday parties because he can't eat the pizza or the cake. Everytime he gets an invite, he lies and says he already has a commitment that day. He has tried telling the truth and people just don't get it. It is better if he lies.

My DD is constantly invited by multiple friends to go to their church youth groups. She has been to every single one of their groups at least once. She is not religious and thinks most of the groups are way over the top. Instead of insulting her friends and telling them the truth that she thinks their church is full of freaks, she replies with something like, "I really enjoy experiencing different religions. Thanks for the opportunity." When she is invited time and time again to go with them, she generally makes up an excuse. Actually, whenever she doesn't want to do something with a friend, she tends to make up an excuse. In some cases she is just sick of hanging around with the person but instead of saying that, she will say, "my Mom won't let me go."

There are plenty of other things that they lie about. Seriously, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I guess I just don't believe in or care about the whole "a lie is a lie" thing. In most cases it is meant to spare feelings. I don't think they will grow up to be misfits because of it.

 

[Aisling]

I don't want my kids lying because lying kids grow up to be lying adults, and that can only cause problems for them.

 

[DVCLiz]

Trying to spice things up a bit. The thread about letting a 9 year old get a Facebook account has a lot of references to lying about age in it.

My kids lie and I let them.......even encourage them at times. I am not at all concerned about them lying about things that matter.

DS has multiple food allergies. He can't eat out without tremendous effort on my part. He HATES going to friend's birthday parties because he can't eat the pizza or the cake. Everytime he gets an invite, he lies and says he already has a commitment that day. He has tried telling the truth and people just don't get it. It is better if he lies.

My DD is constantly invited by multiple friends to go to their church youth groups. She has been to every single one of their groups at least once. She is not religious and thinks most of the groups are way over the top. Instead of insulting her friends and telling them the truth that she thinks their church is full of freaks, she replies with something like, "I really enjoy experiencing different religions. Thanks for the opportunity." When she is invited time and time again to go with them, she generally makes up an excuse. Actually, whenever she doesn't want to do something with a friend, she tends to make up an excuse. In some cases she is just sick of hanging around with the person but instead of saying that, she will say, "my Mom won't let me go."

There are plenty of other things that they lie about. Seriously, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I guess I just don't believe in or care about the whole "a lie is a lie" thing. In most cases it is meant to spare feelings. I don't think they will grow up to be misfits because of it.

I'm a big fan of the little white lie meant to spare someone's feelings, but it seems to me it would be easier in the long run just to teach your children something appropriate to say in those circumstances. There are plenty of ways to say it without lying about a previous engagement or making up an excuse on the spot.

 

[2bearsmom]

 

[minkydog]

I think you have a slippery slope here. I don't have a problem with telling little white lies to preserve someone's feelings, provided it is something inconsequential--ie, "Your baby is really something!" or "Your Johnny sure is a spirited child" or "No thank you, I just ate dinner." I think when you start lying to get out of doing things the lie begins to beget more lies. Pretty soon friends catch on and they realize that they can't trust a thing that comes out of your mouth. You lose credibility and sometimes lying becomes a way of life.

There's a lot of secret-keeping going on in your household. I think it might be better if you just helped the kids develop a few canned phrases which are not lies. Teach them how to repeat their phrase and not give details. And there's always "My mom said no." I'm a big fan of letting kids use that phrase because they save face and *I* look like the bad guy. The friends commiserate and my DD & I know the truth.

 

[brockash]

Trying to spice things up a bit. The thread about letting a 9 year old get a Facebook account has a lot of references to lying about age in it.

My kids lie and I let them.......even encourage them at times. I am not at all concerned about them lying about things that matter.

DS has multiple food allergies. He can't eat out without tremendous effort on my part. He HATES going to friend's birthday parties because he can't eat the pizza or the cake. Everytime he gets an invite, he lies and says he already has a commitment that day. He has tried telling the truth and people just don't get it. It is better if he lies.

My DD is constantly invited by multiple friends to go to their church youth groups. She has been to every single one of their groups at least once. She is not religious and thinks most of the groups are way over the top. Instead of insulting her friends and telling them the truth that she thinks their church is full of freaks, she replies with something like, "I really enjoy experiencing different religions. Thanks for the opportunity." When she is invited time and time again to go with them, she generally makes up an excuse. Actually, whenever she doesn't want to do something with a friend, she tends to make up an excuse. In some cases she is just sick of hanging around with the person but instead of saying that, she will say, "my Mom won't let me go."

There are plenty of other things that they lie about. Seriously, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I guess I just don't believe in or care about the whole "a lie is a lie" thing. In most cases it is meant to spare feelings. I don't think they will grow up to be misfits because of it.

One of my high school teacher's told us how she had always told her son to feel free to use her as an excuse to get out of any possible bad situations (hanging with the wrong crowd, doing something wrong ect.) It always stuck in my mind, and I fully intend on basically telling my kids (when they're older) the same thing. It's tough being a teen, and I would surely prefer my child to lie to get out of a bad situation, then to get pressurred into it. Honestly, I really don't have a problem with ppl. lying to spare someone's feelings either...I do it all the time, and I'm sure other's do it to me.

 

[georgina]

My DD watches a lot of Disney channel shows. Most of them have kids getting into situations which could easily be resolved by telling the truth, but instead they go to huge lengths to avoid the truth and support their lie. I point that out to her a lot. I have no problem with my kids saying "I'm not allowed" to do something they don't want to do. I do prefer they tell the truth in most cases. My oldest DD has a situation recently with a police officer; I believe she avoided a whole lot of trouble by being honest with him.

 

[2bearsmom]

My youngest ds has food allergies. We wouldn't let him lie to get out of going to a friends birthday party. Either I would have him eat lunch before he went and send a cupcake or a couple cookies he could eat or I'd tell them he isn't coming because he food allergy is too big of an issue. I don't know what there is for people to "get". The kid has an allergy end of story. I would not want my ds hating to go to his friends parties just because he has food allergies. What does lying help?

There are some kids who may invite my oldest to their parties this year and there is no way we'd let him go. They act like brats and are disruptive in class and we don't want our ds around them outside of school. We have no problem telling our boys why we don't want them around those kids. We just see no reason to lie or sugar coat things. However everyone's parenting style is different.

 

[Tink888]

Little white lies to spare someone's feelings don't bother me. I'm basically a pretty honest person and I want my kids to be the same way. I agree with the other poster who said that when a person lies all the time, they become untrustworthy and lose all credibility.

There are times though when I look around.....in the news, at work, just at the way people treat eachother sometimes and I feel like there aren't any honest people left. It makes me wonder if by teaching my kids that honesty is the best policy, that I'm actually doing them a disservice and making it harder for them later in life....like they won't know how to "play the game" if that makes any sense.

It just seems sometimes like lying has become so commonplace, that it's acceptable and people seem genuinely surprised when they come across an honest person.

 

[LisaR]

But a canned response, as some of you have suggested, would still be a lie. In the two examples I used, the truth would be this:

DS: Thanks for the invite but as I have told you a million and one times, I have food allergies and I can't eat at XYZ Restaurant. Since your party is centered around food instead of games, I really feel left out. But hey, thanks for inviting me.

I should mention the last three invites he has received have been to the pizza joint and two were held at the Japanese place. There weren't any games or events. They just went to eat. Not much fun for a kid that can't touch any of the food. No biggie. I am not at all mad about it but after explaining multiple times that it won't work for him, people just don't seem to get it.

As for DD, if she was honest, she would have to say:
As I have told you a million and one times, I am not religious. While I appreciate you inviting me every single week to your youth group, I have also told you in the past that I am not interested in attending every week yet you keep inviting me. Going once or twice to check things out is one thing but I don't have any interest in attending weekly because I do not believe in what you believe in.

In both situations, it seems much easier to say, "I have other plans but thanks for thinking of me." In fairness, both of my kids are rather busy and usually do end up doing something that particular day but they may not actually have plans at the moment they say they do.

 

[LisaR]

My youngest ds has food allergies. We wouldn't let him lie to get out of going to a friends birthday party. Either I would have him eat lunch before he went and send a cupcake or a couple cookies he could eat or I'd tell them he isn't coming because he food allergy is too big of an issue. I don't know what there is for people to "get". The kid has an allergy end of story. I would not want my ds hating to go to his friends parties just because he has food allergies. What does lying help?

There are some kids who may invite my oldest to their parties this year and there is no way we'd let him go. They act like brats and are disruptive in class and we don't want our ds around them outside of school. We have no problem telling our boys why we don't want them around those kids. We just see no reason to lie or sugar coat things. However everyone's parenting style is different.

My son's friends seem to be at a point where birthday parties are held at restaurants. When he was younger, he went to all the parties because they were held at places like bowling alleys, Chuckie Cheese, etc. so there was something to do besides eat. Food was not the center of the party. Now they do not have ANY activities. They go to the Japanese Steakhouse and eat and go home. My son hates that and I would never make him go.

When we have opted for the "thanks but due to food allergies, he can not attend," I have literally had parents argue with me. "Well, couldn't he just have a little of this or that? How bad can his allergies be? I am sure he could have just some without any problems."

 

[JessicaR]

My son grew up with similar allergies. He didn't skip parties he just ate before attending. He didn't have any parties that were centered around food only. There was an activity planned and he enjoyed socializing with friends. After a while the kids knew his allergies and were not surprised when occasionally he brought in a meal that he could eat with them.

He is 16 now and we didn't have to lie to get around his allergies. Now it rarely matters.

So in our case lying was not OK nor encouraged.

 

[JessicaR]

How old are your kids? I guess thats relevant. What did you do when they were younger?

 

[LisaR]

My son grew up with similar allergies. He didn't skip parties he just ate before attending. He didn't have any parties that were centered around food only. There was an activity planned and he enjoyed socializing with friends. After a while the kids knew his allergies and were not surprised when occasionally he brought in a meal that he could eat with them.

He is 16 now and we didn't have to lie to get around his allergies. Now it rarely matters.

So in our case lying was not OK nor encouraged.

Yeah but you just admitted that your son never had a party centered around food. Here it is all the rage to have a party at a restaurant. No games or activities. He never had to make an excuse when he was little. He brought his own food and was able to participate in the activity (bowling, paint ball, etc). Now the in thing seems to be to go to a place and eat. Nothing more. My son will not bring food into a restaurant. He feels it is tacky. He doesn't mind taking it into a bowling alley where they are doing something else but he won't do it at a restaurant. Honestly, I don't blame him. He has been honest about his allergies but the kids and the parents come over and try to talk us into it. It really gets old. It saves him having to deal with the nagging and me wanting to smack a parent when I repeat for the tenth time, "Yes, a little bit could quite possibly kill him."

We took his friend to the movies the other day. The mom sent money so the boys could get popcorn and pop. When the kid got home and gave his mom the change, she called me to ask why my son didn't get anything. We have known this family for five years. He can't eat anything that they sell at a movie theater and he certainly can't do it if I am not there with him. WTH? It isn't that complicated. Of course, I was nice and explained it all to her again. Her response, "I know he eats popcorn at home so it doesn't seem like a little bit would hurt him." Had I thought about it, I would have simply said, "thanks for the offer but it turned out he wasn't hungry."

 

[CanadianImagineer]

Honestly your parenting needs some adjustments if you're encouraging your children to lie.

 

[kellyg403]

I am not opposed to the white lie to save hurt feelings as others have said but I really can't say I would let them lie outright. I guess, in my case, I would make my dd say something along the lines of "I appreciate the invitation but at the moment I am not sure that your church is the right fit for me". No explanation or further comment needed. Its the truth, doesn't say that she thinks they belong to a cult or anything.

I have not faced the food allergy thing, but I could see where after awhile it would be a pain to have to discuss/argue the point. I guess at a certain point I would be teaching the kids how to tell the truth and then end the conversation without going into more detail/arguing. They will eventually have to learn to say that a situation is not right for them and learn how to change the conversation so that their friends get the point. Even teens can understand that I would think?!

Now, the more persistant crew..they always get "my mom won't let me". Its not a lie really, I won't! I don't want them hanging around kids that don't respect them and their choices.

Kelly

 

[JessicaR]

How old are your kids?

 

[LisaR]

How old are your kids? I guess thats relevant. What did you do when they were younger?

My son will be 12 in 2 weeks. It was much easier when he was little. All parties were at fun places with activities. I brought his food and made sure nobody fed him because all the parents always wanted to give him "just a little bit." He never has a problem saying no to food. However, with the new development of the restaurant parties, he is tired of the whole thing.

DD is 14.

Honestly your parenting needs some adjustments if you're encouraging your children to lie.

I'll work on that.

I am not opposed to the white lie to save hurt feelings as others have said but I really can't say I would let them lie outright. I guess, in my case, I would make my dd say something along the lines of "I appreciate the invitation but at the moment I am not sure that your church is the right fit for me". No explanation or further comment needed. Its the truth, doesn't say that she thinks they belong to a cult or anything.


Kelly

She has said those exact same words. Multiple times. We currently live in a VERY religious community. She never had to deal with this where we lived before. She went to many youth nights, said thanks and that was that. I kid you not, since moving here five years ago, at least six friends have shown up on our door step with the Book of Mormon or a Bible to give us. They apparently have a large recruiting effort.

I really thought she wouldn't maintain these friendships after awhile but she seems to get along very well with most of these kids. Lately it hasn't been a big issue. It was a much bigger problem for the first three years we lived here and now people have apparently gotten the hint. I would say she only has one friend now that still asks almost weekly if she will go to youth group with her. This girl's church totally freaked my daughter out. Kids were chanting and crying during the group and thanking God for absolutely everything including the drums and microphone. Just not something she was used to. After being honest with the girl multiple times, she finds it easier to say, "no thanks, I have other plans." If she goes to hell over this, I am fairly certain there will be a really long line in front of her.

 

[kellyg403]

Wow...I didn't realize it was that harsh. I guess at this point my dd would be saying "I really value our friendship, I would like it to continue without pressure regarding religion, your choice". I would imagine that the constant stress of having to come up with a last minute excuse would be worse than just saying outright I like you but I don't like the pressure?

I understand where you are coming from OP, but it doesn't hurt to explore other options from time to time, because the lying part doesn't seem to be working either. I imagine if it works it works, but if the problem persists even with the 'lies' I am not sure that is the correct answer. Just my personal opinion and in no way reflects whether I think you are a bad parent. You are in your situation not me.

Kelly

 

[justhat]

The lies you are mentioning don't bother me as they are not intended to really deceive anyone, just spare some feelings.

With your allergic son, honestly, I would probably lie if I were him too. Who wants to say they can never go anywhere cause they have so many allergies? Makes a 12yo boy seem weird to his peers. I remember being 12yo and I know if someone constantly declined invites cause of food, other kids would tease him about it, or say stuff like "What's wrong with you? You can't eat anything!" And who wants to hear that? Much easier on everyone involved to just say "Sorry, I really wish I could go but I already have another obligation."