Dear MIL...

[Jennasis]

Dear MIL,

Please get help.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I haven't seen anyone dissect anything. From what I've seen, posts have been taken at face value. We can only go by what is typed. Complaining about getting socks, $ store items, etc. is mean. If their MIL also treats them & their kids horribly, the member could feel free to add that. That would be a reason to complain & make the socks, $ store items, etc. just another thing to add to the pile. Some people who have posted here have very valid reasons to take issue with their MIL. I haven't seen one person say those people were being nasty.

My comment about dissecting in regards to going through each and every person's post regarding if they are selfish, entitled, etc. It wasn't about someone actually doing the dissecting but about me doing that if that makes sense. My comment, as I already mentioned, was a blanket statment. That's what I meants about dissecting.

And really what is valid and not valid is in the eye of the beholder. I'm fairly certain we have ALL said something about someone we know and ultimately love. I mean heck my mother-in-law gave me an god-awful purse that I have never used my first actual Christmas with them (as I met my husband a few weeks before christmas so I'm talking about the next christmas). If I complained about that does that make me a bad person? While I appreciated the gesture I didn't really care for the gift (and I still have it and won't get rid of it out of respect) and no I didn't tell her I didn't like the gift but opps I'm saying it here on the boards where I'm behind a computer so what does that make me?

I'm just not really in the mood here to judge each and every person's post on the thread which I'm fairly certain was not meant as a mean cruel thing. I'm not judging those who have interpreted the thread that way, that's their opinion but I also don't want to be judged just because I don't share that opinion.

 

[kimblebee]

It saddens me that people feel it's okay to say anything they want, just because they can hide behind a phone or computer screen. It also saddens me that my DIL may be complaining behind my back some day, when I'm trying my best to show her love & respect, but I do something that's a petty gripe at most. IME, people show their true colors, when they have anonymity.

I'll give you my full name and SIN if you want. My BIL is a bigot and constantly tries to bait me into a confrontation. In the almost two years I've been married to his brother, he hasn't once acknowledged my birthday or my daughters. Heck, he barely acknowledges that we're alive.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Guys. We all complain about petty stuff here and there. It is okay. I didn't complain (this time) for the record, but I sure have enough in the past.
This thread, if anything, reminded me how wonderfully blessed I am to have the in laws I have.

Did I complain that one of the first gifts my MIL got me was lingere 2 sizes too big? No. Did I mention she made me open it in front of the entire family and I about died of embarassment? No. But I could have. And it would've been okay had I chosen to.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Did I complain that one of the first gifts my MIL got me was lingere 2 sizes too big? No. Did I mention she made me open it in front of the entire family and I about died of embarassment? No.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

This is a real MIL gripe. I sympathize with you. Some people don't know how good they have it. My MIL bought her twin grandsons cars for their high school graduation. When it was DS's turn two years later, she said she didn't have the money to buy him one. She didn't give us a dollar toward his.

Did your mother in law tell you she was going to "take turns" buying cars? I only ask because we bought one son a car for his 16th birthday. When the other one turned 16, we had a very major, unexpected expense and didn't buy him one. That's life. Maybe she didn't have the money?

But best to vent about her here using anonymity. That's what we are her for.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Did your mother in law tell you she was going to "take turns" buying cars? I only ask because we bought one son a car for his 16th birthday. When the other one turned 16, we had a very major, unexpected expense and didn't buy him one. That's life. Maybe she didn't have the money?

But best to vent about her here using anonymity. That's what we are her for.

No she didn't. The car is on a very long list of ways she has treated her grandchildren differently. FWIW, finances were an easy excuse not the reason. They haven't struggled financially as long as I've known them. I could write a book about things she's done to DS & me. That's probably why I find petty complaints about an otherwise good MIL so off putting. Anyone who has a good MIL should cherish them not talk behind their back. I'm sure they wouldn't find it funny, if they happened upon these posts. Venting behind their back won't make the annoyances go away. As for me personally, DH has told MIL more than once how we feel about things. I feel it's his mother & his issue to deal with. I have had a few words with her over DS through the years though. Since DH had a long talk with her last year, she's finally made a token attempt at being a grandmother & MIL after 24 years later. I'll take that.

I've gone back & forth over this long enough. I'll never find mean spirited posts amusing, so I probably should scroll down.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'll give you my full name and SIN if you want. My BIL is a bigot and constantly tries to bait me into a confrontation. In the almost two years I've been married to his brother, he hasn't once acknowledged my birthday or my daughters. Heck, he barely acknowledges that we're alive.

Kim, you are one person I can say has never appeared to hide anything. It's refreshing. Your BIL sounds like a real peach.

 

[kimblebee]

Kim, you are one person I can say has never appeared to hide anything. It's refreshing. Your BIL sounds like a real peach.

I honestly hope it doesn't come off as rude or brash..I'm not like that in real life. I just am always who I am with no secrets. That, and I'm too poor to care if someone steals my identity LOL

As far as the BIL goes, we've agreed we'll never be friends, and leave it at that.

 

[Hook326]

By the way, you raised an awesome son. He is a really great guy. But occasionally, I wonder what planet he is from. Like the time when you made Watergate salad and he liked it. OMG, what were the chunky bits in it? And is food really supposed to be that putrid color of green? What is the fascination with making desserts with Cool Whip in them? And marshmallows?.

I am an unbelievably lucky DIL so I have no complaints to make but I need to respond to this! Watergate salad (we actually call it "green fluff" in my family since it's not in any way a salad! Haha!) is loved by all in my family! It's at many holidays & potlucks around here I think it must be a Midwest thing? We love our marshmallow/cool whip desserts And the chunky bits are the pistachios from the pudding mix. Blame Jello for the color lol!!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Watergate salad (we actually call it "green fluff" in my family since it's not in any way a salad! Haha!) is loved by all in my family! It's at many holidays & potlucks around here I think it must be a Midwest thing? We love our marshmallow/cool whip desserts And the chunky bits are the pistachios from the pudding mix. Blame Jello for the color lol!!

My family has always called it Pistachio Salad. I'm not exactly certain of all the ingredients that my aunt, who makes it, uses as I know some people vary the ingredients a bit. It's a staple at Thanksgiving and Christmas on my mom's side of the family and is one of my fav things.

My mother-in-law makes a strawberry jello salad....with of course whip cream but also real strawberries in it.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

It saddens me that people feel it's okay to say anything they want, just because they can hide behind a phone or computer screen. It also saddens me that my DIL may be complaining behind my back some day, when I'm trying my best to show her love & respect, but I do something that's a petty gripe at most. IME, people show their true colors, when they have anonymity.

Perhaps you should change your screen name to your full first and last name so no one can ever accuse you of "talking behind their back."

I'm kidding, of course, but don't you see that most people are anonymous on discussion boards???

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I've gone back & forth over this long enough. I'll never find mean spirited posts amusing, so I probably should scroll down.

But maybe people think it is mean that you anonymously posted that your MIL didn't give you "one dollar to buy your kid a car" Maybe people think that complaining about your MIL not buying a car is petty? I do. I think it is petty to expect others to pay for your child's things. But I am the Queen of Petty So, bring it on and complain all you want!

Why do you get to vent and complain, yet sit in judgment towards others when they do the same thing? Why are you different?

 

[Turn the Page]

OK, what goes bad after two hours on the kitchen counter. Is the counter used to store horse manure? Germaphobics are beyond saving, so just go without. Bacteria, doesn't do much after the food has been cooked, it's before, but, then after it is cooked the bacteria is pretty much gone anyway. Overnight may be a different story, depending on what it is, but, which one is it two hours or overnight? Big difference there.

No one will ever accuse me of being the world's greatest housekeeper and I admit I have left out overnight accidentally on occasion and we almost always eat it and have never gotten sick. I don't know I guess some people are more sensitive to that than others maybe?

 

[Turn the Page]

Dear ex MIL,

Thank you very much for saying it was my fault your son attempted suicide because I didn't keep the house clean enough. Also, thank you for telling an entire church full of people I had never met that he passed away due to pneumonia and you begged him to go to the doctor but he wouldn't because he was too depressed because he wanted the marriage to work out but I refused to even try (3 years after our divorce) when you had the autopsy report saying he died of a drug overdose. Especially since, you know, he had been an addict for at least the last 4 years. Also, thank you for pitching a fit because I no longer feel comfortable sending DD10 to your house for a week.

 

[Govols1997]

Dear MIL,
I wanted to be your daughter. Please stop treating me like an enemy.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

But maybe people think it is mean that you anonymously posted that your MIL didn't give you "one dollar to buy your kid a car" Maybe people think that complaining about your MIL not buying a car is petty? I do. I think it is petty to expect others to pay for your child's things. But I am the Queen of Petty So, bring it on and complain all you want!

Why do you get to vent and complain, yet sit in judgment towards others when they do the same thing? Why are you different?

You're obviously looking for an argument. I'm not. I just feel for the otherwise good MILs that make the mistake of asking the wrong question or buying the wrong thing. I've seen too many people IRL do the same thing. It makes me feel bad for the MIL & hope I won't have a DIL like that someday.

I only brought up the car to express to the other member that I know exactly how she feels & sympathize. I didn't come here to complain about the car. At no time did we expect MIL to buy DS a car or anything else, until DH's grandmother told us she bought the other two one. Even then, we really didn't expect her to get him one, but DH wanted to give her a chance to finally do right by DS. As we suspected, she said no & we bought the car. FWIW, DH talked to MIL about it. I'm not saying anything she hasn't heard. That's the only way to hope for change. Having your DH mention to his Mom that he has enough socks (for example) for 10 years may prevent the frustation next year. Complaining here won't. It just looks mean.

I'm not going to argue with any of you any longer. I come to the DIS to enjoy my downtime not engage in silly nonsense like arguing with someone I don't even know.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I understand there are bad in law relationships but I don't think it is all because of horrible MIL's. There are some horrible DIL's out there too.

I think a big thing is jealousy and control on both sides. Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives. They feel left out so they take it out on the DIL. They treat DIL like the enemy.

Now there are DIL's that are jealous of the relationship their DH has with their mother. They want their DH all to themselves. They want their DH to minimize time with his mother (or very little contact) now that he has a new family. DIL treats MIL like the enemy from day one.

Then the wars begin. It's like the battle for the man. "He's mine, no he's mine."

I understand this doesn't go for everyone but it's what I've seen IRL and from being on message boards since I was pregnant with DD. That's the vibe I get a lot of the time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just throw this thought in here.
I have found MIL to be one very very hot issue here.
Only rivaled by mother's parenting threads, and one other issue.

In general, I will say that I kind of think that many of those who have such a problem handling any negative post or grievance about a MIL are, or are going to be, one of those MIL's who are just 'perfect' and think that they should always be held above reproach or complaint.

Yes, this is an anonymous chat-board.
Yes, people will post vents and thoughts and complaints. Both small and serious.
Just the way it is.
IMHO, to directly post that any particular person(s) who post their simple, valid, general and anonymous, vents, thoughts and feelings is 'bad', 'sad', 'inappropriate', and otherwise flawed; that is where things start to cross the line.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I understand there are bad in law relationships but I don't think it is all because of horrible MIL's. There are some horrible DIL's out there too.

I think a big thing is jealousy and control on both sides. Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives. They feel left out so they take it out on the DIL. They treat DIL like the enemy.

Now there are DIL's that are jealous of the relationship their DH has with their mother. They want their DH all to themselves. They want their DH to minimize time with his mother (or very little contact) now that he has a new family. DIL treats MIL like the enemy from day one.

Then the wars begin. It's like the battle for the man. "He's mine, no he's mine."

I understand this doesn't go for everyone but it's what I've seen IRL and from being on message boards since I was pregnant with DD. That's the vibe I get a lot of the time.

I've also seen that. In my case, like Govols, I wanted to be her daughter. Unfortunately, I wasn't the DD she wanted. Sadly, she's always taken it out on DS too. It breaks my heart for him. After DHs "change or lose me" talk he had with her last year, she seems to be trying. I'm more than willing to give her a chance & hope for the best. DS will take more convincing, but I'm trying to help him through it.