First...what a cutie! You can just see it in his eyes, the joy and love of life he had! Shows job well done, mom!!
I have been trying to cry as softly as I can while trying to find some respite from my pain...today, my family (3 kids and dh) drove 2 hours to spend the day with my uncle. Two weeks ago he suffered seizures and has gone downhill since....he's 69, used to play football at Penn State with Mike Ditka, best golfer, outrageously funny, married to my aunt for 39 years...they never had kids so all us nieces and nephews were their children. They actually were the first to see my children before my own parents...always there for major events and we even dragged them along to our beach vacations...playing putt-putt with "Igor" was a highlight in my kids memories. So, today we had to stand by his bedside, pray with him, suction his throat to keep it clear so he could manage what little breathing...he was so hot to the touch, I took his fever and it was still climbing at 103..they've taken him off fluids and ng feedings so it's just a matter of time. I made it all through today without crying..I tried to laugh for my aunt...keep conversations going, hold his hand and let him know we were there (he hasn't opened his eyes in 2 days)....I even managed the ride home really well...but tonight the kids wanted to watch a movie and "Ghost" was playing, I didn't cry through it at all...kissed the kids good night and sat down for a quick review of cruising trip reports (we're taking our first cruise ever next May)....and then I just lost it...I can't cry too loudly b/c my kids will hear...I'm just sick...I feel physical pain and a deep pit that won't go away. I just want to scream, run to my aunt and hold her...then I found this board, your thread popped out and I had to read through your loss to get to a point where I said, "It's going to be okay" Damien's mom is suffering, she's mad as hades, she's plugging on, she has setbacks, she has supporters, she's human....then it dawned on me, I'm not alone....I can not even imagine losing a child....but I feel like I'm losing a father....they were the ones I would go to when I was away at college to wash my laundry, she would always send me out with every bit of change she had b/c she knew being a college student was hard. Always got a birthday card from her...more so than my own mom! I love my parents dearly but they were just pretty busy.
So, you see...your loss helps the rest of us recognize something very important...we can go on, we can live our lives to honor those we've lost...anything short of that and I'm sure we'd get a scolding...I'm here to let you know that just in what I see in Damien's pictures, he does NOT want you to suffer...grieve, grieve, scream, get angry...know your husband's way of grieving may be different than yours...you both may believe the other one is just not getting it, but you'll reach a point of understanding, and I pray it shines on you soon.
Thank you for sharing and thanks for letting me get my silent crying out in this post...I love you Uncle Len!!
Tara