Dealing With His Ex?

[NMAmy]

About the phone calls. I guess I am in the minority here. I think that she should not be able to call anytime she wants to. She is just using it as an excuse to stay up late and be in control. I would not let her use the phone after bedtime unless it is an emergency. The mother is also using this to be in control.

Just a note--in my custody agreement, DD is to be allowed to call whichever parent she is not residing with at any time. My understanding is that this is pretty standard. If my dd were at her dad's and not allowed to call me as often as she wanted and whenever she wanted, I'd be throwing a bit of a hissy fit myself. At my home, she's allowed to call her dad whenever she wants to.

Put yourself in the other parent's shoes--how would you like it if your child wanted to talk with you but a stepparent was not allowing him/her to call you?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

As much as you might want to control this 8 year old girl's boundries, she is not yours to control. Your husband is the Father. This other woman is the Mother. If THEY say the girl needs to be able to call anytime -- then the girl needs to be able to call anytime. Your arrangements concerning the kids you conceived but don't have custody of -- work those out with the parent with whom they live. That isn't really relevant.

ok seriously. It is Sunday night and Mom is on her way. This little girl wants to be with her Mom. You've had the daughter for a nice stay, everybody went to Disney .. nice family time. Is this how you want to end the summer? Is this the way you want the summer to be remembered by the 8 year old girl? In a fight over a phone call?

It doesn't sound like Mom will be able to leave with her until Monday at the earliest regardless. Why don't you and your DH arrange to have a nice dinner with them Monday evening, let them stay in a hotel over Monday night - and then take off on Tuesday. That is only one day early...not worth a huge "but I have rights right now" squabble if you ask me.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

She is a guest in your house and does not live there, she is visiting her dad.
Dad should handle the discipline, cleaning, bedtime problems...not you.

But that is the rub!---She lives with her mom and her moms husband and needs to abide by BOTH of their rules--This actually came up about a year and a half ago because EX called DH about how DSD wouldn't listen to her husband because he wasn't her dad----SO DH talked to her and explained that while he was her dad ,(EX'sDH) was her stepdad and she was just as important to him as she was DH and he had rules that needed to be followed same as DH and that he(DH) couldn't be with her all the time so EXDH was going to look out for her the same as he would if he was there and that he fully expected her to listen to what EXDH had to say and obey him the same as she would DH
Well the talk worked and EXDH became "daddy" while DH became "daddyfirstname"
Which hurt DH but he understood that she was around EXDH everyday and he had the tough part in raising her but it still doesn't keep DH from feeling sooner or later that he may just end up being "unclefirstname"

She needs to understand that all the adults are a part of her life and in charge of seeing that she grows up to be a proper young lady===Now if DH had gotten on the phone that time and told DSD she didn't have to listen to EXDH what kind of example would that be?
But that falls in with your last statement that I shouldn't have anything to do with DSD---Which wouldn't be showing DSD that she has other parents outside of her birth parents that love and care for her also

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

Just a note--in my custody agreement, DD is to be allowed to call whichever parent she is not residing with at any time. My understanding is that this is pretty standard. If my dd were at her dad's and not allowed to call me as often as she wanted and whenever she wanted, I'd be throwing a bit of a hissy fit myself. At my home, she's allowed to call her dad whenever she wants to.

Put yourself in the other parent's shoes--how would you like it if your child wanted to talk with you but a stepparent was not allowing him/her to call you?

You make an excellent point. I guess it seems like there needs to be a limit here. Should the child be able to call just because she wants to stay up past her bedtime or get out of doing chores? I would not want my oldest DS trying to be that manipulative when he is at my EX's house. I allowed my EX to set a bedtime and give him chores when he was there. He was not able to stay up later than his other children. Nor was he allowed to make excuses (like he needed to talk to me) to do this.
I know every situation is different though. I can fully understand that the parent that is not there would want his/her child to be able to contact them at all times. It just seems like if it is obvious the child (or EX) is doing this to be disruptive to the rest of the household, then that is not the same thing as a child needing to talk to a parent because the child is scared or lonely.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I know if it was one of mine and they were calling me at 1am--I would wonder what in the heck was going on in that house that makes it ok for an 8 year old to be up all hours of the night!

I would wonder WHY my child feels the NEED to call at that time.
That would tell me that all is not well and we(father and I) need to get the root of the problem and fix it.

It's not uncommon to speak to me, my mom and my niece and nephew if they are here when he calls.

I've told his dad that it's ok for him to call me collect if they have a problem with the phone bill. I've also purchased phone cards for him to use when he's there, which he always forgets to use.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I would wonder WHY my child feels the NEED to call at that time.
That would tell me that all is not well and we(father and I) need to get the root of the problem and fix it.

It's not uncommon to speak to me, my mom and my niece and nephew if they are here when he calls.

I've told his dad that it's ok for him to call me collect if they have a problem with the phone bill. I've also purchased phone cards for him to use when he's there, which he always forgets to use.

It is not that she needs to call at that time---That is when EX would hang up with her! She would call her mom at bedtime about 10pm or so then EX would keep her on the phone till 1am---We had no problem with her speaking to others until EX's 38 year old friend started calling to "talk" to her--No blood relation, just someone her mom hangs out with,and we could find no good reason for a 38 year old to be calling our house to chat with her.

Like I said before we had no problem with her using the phone to call--We had a problem with her trying to stay up later by using the phone as an excuse.
She calls her mom whenever she wants,however many times a day she wants except for when her reason for calling is to get out of doing something she is supposed to be doing

 

[Caradana]

This little girl sounds adrift. I predict a lifetime of problems here unless you guys get it together with the ex-wife. Is she trash? Maybe, but your husband saw something special in her - dig deep and try to salvage this situation for her sake.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Phone just rand again and I answered it and the friend asked to speak to DSD===I said "Is this EX?" and she said "Yes ma'am" even though I knew it wasn't----Neither of us said anything for a couple of seconds then she says "Well this is SO+SO and EX is right here,can I talk to DSD"-----So I said "OK but can I talk to EX first"

Her-"No ma'am"
Me-"I'm sorry"
Her-"I said,No ma'm"
Me-"I heard what you said,I'm just confused"
Her-"I thought no ma'am was pretty clear,wasn't trying to confuse you"
Me-"Well I'd like to talk to EX so I can find out what's going on"
Her-"Alright well I'll tell you whats going on-I'm going to speak to DSD and you're going to put her on the phone"
Me-"alright"
--Called DSD to the phone-where she spoke for about 3 or 4 minutes then hung up then turns around and tells me that they are in St Louis and will be here no later than 10pm

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Phone again this time it was EXDH--I asked him if he knew what was going on as far as the times went and he ignored me-Just kept asking for DSD--I put her on the phone and from her end of the conversation he was asking her why she was coming home early and what had happened to prompt this==She told him DH hung up on mom and that was it

 

[Toby'sFriend]

exDH? There is a 2nd Ex-husband? Not the Father of your boys I gather -- somebody else?????


I'm just confused. Call your husband and tell him "_____'s Mother is going to be here around 10pm. Do you want me to send your daughter with her, or do you want to call her now and ask her to wait until you are available to work this out."

regardless, it is obvious that this Mother must have been pretty worried about her daughter to get in a car to come and get her so quick. A Mom willing to drive that far to rescue her kid when she hears about distress can't be all that bad.

 

[figment52]

She needs to understand that all the adults are a part of her life and in charge of seeing that she grows up to be a proper young lady===Now if DH had gotten on the phone that time and told DSD she didn't have to listen to EXDH what kind of example would that be?
But that falls in with your last statement that I shouldn't have anything to do with DSD---Which wouldn't be showing DSD that she has other parents outside of her birth parents that love and care for her also

This is where I am having trouble - ALL ADULTS should deserve/expect respect from children and that includes "my house my rules". Pulling the "I want to call my other parent right now" to get around house rules should not be acceptable behavior. Just because I did not give birth to someone should be no reason to allow the child to walk all over me if I am married to their biological parent. I am still an adult in the house and in his absence I enforce his rules.

I don't believe the OP was refusing the call for any reason other than she saw it for what it was - the child was exerting her control over the situation rather than house rules.

That being said, this child needs a lot of love and stable direction in every house she lives in not just her mother's.

Good luck to you. And let your DH do the hard work right now and talk to the Ex and the child about expectations while under his roof.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Sorry about the confusion----EXDH was meant to represent EX's DH(her husband now)

As for her driving up here it is because of the argument between her and DH-Not for DSD's benefit in other words---If that was the case she would have driven up here during the -shooting the dog incident-

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Figment-Thank you for understanding what I was trying to convey! I thought I was going nuts for having and enforcing this rule---DH was part of the enforcement also on all subjects----And EX was aware of them also and didn't choose to have a problem with them till this morning!

DH will be home from work by the time they arrive and he and I talked about what should happen and he said that he would again try to talk to her about it of course but he was not willing to stand there and let her belittle him like she had done this morning on the phone so if she started that then he would tell her to call him when she got home and calmed down because he did not want any of the kids to have to be around for that!

 

[C.Darwin]

this is getting a little confusing. there are two older children that you don't have custody of? what's up with that? and one step-daughter that you don't have custody of that visits for the summer? do you have any children with your current husband that live at your house full time?

 

[irishbosoxfan]

this is getting a little confusing. there are two older children that you don't have custody of? what's up with that? and one step-daughter that you don't have custody of that visits for the summer? do you have any children with your current husband that live at your house full time?

Not sure where the 2 boys came into the conversation but here goes

I have 2 boys with my ex husband
I have 1 daughter from before my DH
DH has 1 daughter with his ex wife
We have 1 daughter together

So having issues with an ex is nothing new but it has been issues with my ex as far as visitation
DH's ex has always made sure DSD was here for her visitation with DH

 

[C.Darwin]

We have 1 daughter together

is she the only one you have full time custody of?

 

[cepmom]

exDH?
regardless, it is obvious that this Mother must have been pretty worried about her daughter to get in a car to come and get her so quick. A Mom willing to drive that far to rescue her kid when she hears about distress can't be all that bad.

my take is that the Ex is a control freak and only wants to "rescue" her DD for the sake of being in control and pissing off the OP and her DH. SHe wants to show them she will call the shots. If this woman really cared for her DD she woudln't be putting that poor kid in the middle of her parent's battles.

Come on....the Ex's friend asking for the 8 year old to let her know where they are and what time they will be there???? This is a control issue and at no point does this nut job have her DD's best interest at heart. She consistantly undermines the rules at the op's house and that jkust shows the DSD that she does not have to show respect to the op or her DH.

That's just wrong


OP ~ I feel for you....tough situation to be in. I would be beside myself. In fact, I have been in a similar situation with and EX and it's not fun. No real advice for you just I hope it gets better.

 

[tiggersmom2]

my take is that the Ex is a control freak and only wants to "rescue" her DD for the sake of being in control and pissing off the OP and her DH. SHe wants to show them she will call the shots. If this woman really cared for her DD she woudln't be putting that poor kid in the middle of her parent's battles.

Come on....the Ex's friend asking for the 8 year old to let her know where they are and what time they will be there???? This is a control issue and at no point does this nut job have her DD's best interest at heart. She consistantly undermines the rules at the op's house and that jkust shows the DSD that she does not have to show respect to the op or her DH.

That's just wrong


OP ~ I feel for you....tough situation to be in. I would be beside myself. In fact, I have been in a similar situation with and EX and it's not fun. No real advice for you just I hope it gets better.

I think it is very unfair to judge the EX by what the OP has said in this thread. It is obvious that the OP does not get along with the EX and there are "issues" that none of us are privy to.

The OP has posted SEVERAL times about her own dysfunctional family life.....so I will reserve judgement on the mother of the 8 year old.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

is she the only one you have full time custody of?

No she isn't the only one!

CEPMOM- I appreciate your well wishes and feel the same as you do about the situation----And I feel bad because while she hasn't always been easy to deal with we never had a problem with her and visitation and she herself has told me personally that while DSD is here she is to follow our rules and that she stood behind us 100% in any decision we made in regards to DSD---SO this morning was out of the blue as far as that goes!

 

[disneyjunkie]

The OP has posted SEVERAL times about her own dysfunctional family life.....so I will reserve judgement on the mother of the 8 year old.

I feel sorry of ALL the kids in the OPs family.