Dealing With His Ex?

[irishbosoxfan]

Ok I am not even going to try to explain everything,that would take to long and there isn't enough paper!
DSD8 has been with us for the entire summer and was due to go home on Wednesday.

The situation: Yesterday DSD wants to call her mom-"Go ahead"-she calls and is on the phone for over an hour. Last night she wants to call again-says she didn't get to talk to her mom only her dad----"Go ahead"-- She calls and is on the phone for awhile then hangs up and goes to play--A little while later she comes to me and says the phone disconnected,can I call my mom--It is now after 9 so I tell her--"Yeah that's fine,but not to long because we need to pick up and get ready for bed"---So she calls her mom and they're on the phone for awhile,she hangs up and same as before goes to play despite the numerous times I told her and my DD to pick up.
WELL at about 10:30 she asks to call her mom (After I told her it was bedtime of course) I told her "No,it's too late now" and she told me that when she was talking to her the phone disconnected--So I said "That was the first time" and she said--No it happened again---So I said "Well your mom probably thought you were done or she would have called back"

SIMPLE ENOUGH


Well today I get up and DH starts GRILLING me about why I wouldn't let DSD call her mom last night---WHOOAA---WTH?
Apparently DSD asked to call her mom this morning and told her mom I refused to let her call so EX got on the phone and started ripping DH for it and he had no clue what was going on because he was at work--So he told her "I'm sure there's more to it than that" EX also left out the part that DSD had already spoken to her twice and her stepdad once---So I wake up to a firestorm and I am rip s*it
I inform DH as to what the story actually was and ask DSD in front of DH "How many times did you talk to your mom yesterday"--TWICE---"And how many times did you talk to your dad"---ONCE----So DH looks at DSD and asks her why she lied to him(She had told him she never talked to her mom)---BECAUSE I WANTED TO CALL MY MOM
SO I make DH call EX and let her know what was going on and after he told her she was like "I don't care if she wants to call me 50x a day you let her" and I don't care if it is midnight or 1am,If she wants to call let her" SO DH tells her that he has never had a problem letting her call and she knows that (previous conversations about giving out our number to GOD knows who and EX keeping her on the phone till 1am when it is bedtime and it is unfair to our other kids that DSD gets to stay up when they need to go to bed-and on and on)
So then EX starts putting down DH and he told her "That is not why I called" and she wouldn't stop so he hung up. So she called back and DH had left to go get dressed for work so I answered,fully prepared to deal with her.
She starts getting on me about the 1am and 50x a day and I told her "That wasn't going to fly,we have no problem with her calling you but when she tries to use calling you as an excuse to get out of helping to clean the mess or to stay up later the answer is going to be no"--So she says "Well if it is bedtime she can call and say a quick goodnight"---And I reminded her that we tried that very early on and "You would keep her on the phone till 1:00,1:30am and everyone hanging out at your house would talk to her and we told you then that she is 8 and would be going to bed at the same time as the other girls and you agreed"
SO she starts putting me down and I am trying to be calm because I have 3 kids in the kitchen and I'm trying to make their lunch,and DH walks in and stands next to me and can hear her yelling at me so he takes the phone and hangs it up.
As DH is finishing up getting dressed he tells DSD to go call her mom because he doesn't want EX to think he is stopping her--So she calls her mom and a few minutes later comes into the living room crying telling us EX is driving up to get her and that she "wants all my stuff packed when she gets here"

WELL DH had to go to work so now I have to deal with her when she arrives (It's about an 8 hour drive) and I really don't want to--

This woman has no sense--She treats DSD like she is 18 not 8----Cell phone,boyfriend(who dictates what she can and cannot wear),pantyliners(yes,pantyliners)and the art of sex----DSD knows fully about sex(doing it,humping,bumping uglies) and can describe sex acts in detail with appropriate (inappropriate) hand gestures---WHICH I might add I found out about when DD4 "explained" it to me

SO what do I do---DSD will be going back today(though when she was homesick something fierce(because her mom told her they took her dog out back and shot it) EX refused to pay the $50 to send her back on the plane)(We paid for the roundtrip ticket but felt EX needed to pony up the fee because of her graphic detail in the dog shooting being the reason for DSD wanting to leave)

I have no clue what to say to this woman----I KNOW what I want to say but then again I want DSD to be able to come on her next scheduled visit...WHAT DO I DO???

 

[Blondy876]

First of all . It sounds like you and your dh may be the only sane people this child has in her life. Second, is there any way at all that your dh can leave work early and be home to deal with her? It's his EX and should be his problem. If you are the one that has to deal with the nut I would be as calm as possible. Have your step-daughters things ready to go. When her mother arrives have everyone say their goodbyes and let her go. Refuse to get into it with the EX. If she starts tell her that you'll have your dh call her when he gets home to discuss it. And if neccessary I would just keep repeating that followed by, have a safe drive home. Good luck and keep us up to date.

 

[RNMOM]

First thing I would do is have at least one friend or relative come over to be there too. You need witnesses/allies. Don't try to handle this alone. Anyone who would shoot a kids dog in the back yard and tell her...can't be trusted. I would try to keep things light, pleasant and "see you soon" to DSD as much as possible. Have your allies step in when EX starts to rev up with her nastiness.

Second thing I would do this week is talk to your attorney about the situation. This kid is being abused by being exposed to age inappropriate information.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

 

[golfgal]

I guess I would say "We are filing for custody" but that would probably tick psycho mom off more . Seriously, I would consider filing for custody since it sounds like she is living in a VERY inappropriate home environment.

Have your DH be there when mom shows up and you take the other kids somewhere else. They don't need to be around this woman.

 

[bettyann29]

First of all being a stepparent is extremely hard.. Children unfortunately know how to manipulate one parent against the other and alot of times make the step parent out to be a monster.... Believe me.. I know!!

Second of all.. you do not have to deal with her.. Have the DSD stuff ready before the mom gets there and send her on her way.. If she has anything to say.. she should say it to your husband.. not you.. and leave it at that..

Sounds like the mom is a nut..

 

[irishbosoxfan]

All I can say is Thank Goodness you all answered---I have a knot in my stomach so big I could choke on it!
I also believe her to be spreading to much info around as far as sex goes and that really hit me hard on Friday when I had to go to my DD's friends house and explain to their mom what they may or may not have heard at my house so she could be prepared to deal with it also!

Being military I don't have very many friends here and the ones I do ahve are at work----I will try and call my husbands best friend and see if his fiancee can come over here whe she gets off work---And I could see if my DD8 and DD4 could go over to the friends house----After the other night I am sure she would understand.


Edited--SO ill feeling I can barely think straight---Sorry about the screw up

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I feel like if I hadn't insisted that DH call EX to let her know what was really going on we wouldn't be here right now!
I just feel that if EX talking to DSD was so important she(EX) would have called back.
I feel like I started this whole fiasco and hurt DH by doing so>

 

[susan4875]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you did the right thing by having DH call his ex to explain the situation. If he hadn't, DSD would have gotten away with her lie. Even if she's not your child, by staying with you all summer, you're a big part of her life. She needs to respect you, and obey your rules. If the ex continues to undermine this by constantly giving in to her, I think you need to seriously consider addressing this further. Maybe the three of you need to sit down and discuss what is best for DSD. I know that may seem crazy right now, when everyone is angry, but if she's acting this way at 8, I hate to thing about her teenage years. Good luck!

 

[tkd lisa]

Hang in there. I remember some of the drama from before in this situation.

I agree with the advice to have someone there if at all possible. And I'd encourage you to think about the good of your step daughter. It certainly sounds like your family is the more stable environment, but unfortunately, the legal system doesn't alway see military families in that way.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[kimmikayb]

I might be understanding wrong here but if your time with DSD is until Wednesday, bio mom can't pick her up till then. Also, I don't accept messages from the kids...that puts them in a position of being in the middle. I would not be home when she shows up and I think your DH should tell her she can get DSD on Wednesday when his time is over.

 

[disneysnowflake]

It sure sounds like you are in the middle.

Does your DH work that much that you have to deal with DSD alone?

Your situation reminds me of the movie Stepmom. The dad was gone, the stepmom had to be the person there, the kids played that, and the bio mom was upset with the stepmom.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

DH is military so when they say work--you work---If EX left right after she got off the phone with DSD she will be here at 9pm cst ---DH will still be at work but his friends fiancee will be home and now that I think about it-It will be too late for my DD's to go over their friends house because their mom is a mortgage broker in the city and leaves at about 7am so they all go to bed early----Crap


Me and opening my mouth---I should have just let it go...But with all the crap so far this summer--I have had it up to here

I know she is not going to just walk in here,take DSD and leave so I have no clue what to say to her when she does get here. I know anything I do try to say is just going to go over her head and she won't want any part of it

Same as what she did when DH and I were dating and went on vacation---She called my mom after getting the number from DH's cell phone company and told her she was still married to DH and he cheating on her with me and they had a kid and everything else (they were divorced 12/97-I met him 12/98 started dating him 2/99==just so there is no confusion)---They were trying to work things out when I met him but they gave it up 1/99----(4/99 she told him she was preg with child #2 and was due in 9/99 so he said ok and was helping her out--well september came and went the baby wasn't born until 12/99 and DH knew it wasn't his because he was with at the time she got pregnant but she kept insisting it was so he drove down to see her and the baby and the baby was African American


I am just so aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh-I hate that it came to this and hate that I am the cause of it but felt it needed to be put right but now it is all wrong

 

[dementia412]

I agree that you should not let your dsd go with her mother if you guys have her for a few more days. It will only make both the mother and your dsd think they can manipulate you and your dh.
You might want to make very clear and tight rules for that phone. For example, two calls a day for no more than one hour each. No exceptions made. Make sure everyone knows those rules, and NEVER allow mother or daughter to break them.
And about her telling her daughter about the dog, I would have immediatly cut off all communication with the woman and called a therapist and lawyer as soon as I found out about that. It was wrong, and she very well knew it would torment her little girl. Now the sex conversations are different because even if you think their are inapropiate, her mother still has the right to explain such things as she pleases while she's in the mother's home.... but killing a kid's dog, then telling her about it while she's visiting her father! I can't see anybody thinking that was okay, and it obviously did affect her since she became so homesick.
No matter what else I think your dsd needs to see a therapist to help her through what is clearly a nasty divorce/break up.
Good luck

 

[dementia412]

btw, I think it's kind of funny about that baby #2... my bil payed child support for years for "his" third child who was most assuradly not his... my bil and his ex were white as rice, and the baby, we're not talking a light brown, we're talking dark chocolate... this guy knew it wasn't his kid of course, but he paid anyway because he wasn't willing to take her to court and force her to prove the boy was his. Sort of glad, at least that way the poor boy had dad!

 

[irishbosoxfan]

We do have rules for the phone that was why she was told no last night--

I tried to explain to DSD about the dog and what happened but the damage was done

As for the sex conversations--Yes while I agree that at some point we need to explain to our kids about sex--But she is 8---So there is absolutly no reason for an 8 year old to know all the slang words for sex along with all the slang words for various acts

{{{{ Inappropriate content removed by moderator }}}}

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I forgot to mention she does see a therapist now----This past xmas she and her mom got into a fight and DSD said "You don't love me,I wish I was dead" and EX had her committed for being suicidal.

The hospital kept her for 3 weeks at EX's insistance "because she was afraid what may happen if she brought her home"
They sent DH the bill for the stay because his insurance wouldn't pay beyond the 3 day hold because the stay was not warranted
So since she was released she visits her "friend Bob" every 2 weeks.

 

[heidica]

I might be understanding wrong here but if your time with DSD is until Wednesday, bio mom can't pick her up till then. Also, I don't accept messages from the kids...that puts them in a position of being in the middle. I would not be home when she shows up and I think your DH should tell her she can get DSD on Wednesday when his time is over.

I've been in an almost identical situation that the OP is talking about. What kimmikayb is true, the 8 year doesn't make the decision on when she gets to go home. Even if she told the EX she wants to, the courts and the custody agreement have the dates for visits already figured out. That being said, if the summer visit is almost over anyway, the OP and DH would only lose by forcing her to stay. DSD will only make the rest of the visit miserable and future visits may be in jeopardy. Sounds like DH and EX need to figure this out between themselves and you as the step-mom, need to step back. I have learned over the years no matter what I do, I have always come out the bad guy. I mean regardless of what I have done. I get blamed for everything wrong in EX's life. It is funny at times, because it is so ridicules. It is really hard for me, but I learned that the only way was to not doing anything. And even then I would get blamed. Right now, you are in a lose lose situation. You make DSD stay and she makes your life miserable, you let her go your DH misses out on time with his kid and DSD learns that she can get away with stuff like this.

Your DH needs to step up and be a father and deal with this. It will be hard and DSD will probably not be happy at first. But she needs both her parents. If you can, I would seriously consider your DH seeing about getting custody or changing the current custody agreement to be more specific about visitation. This is what we had to do (get custody). The EX in my life is a horrible mother and my DSD was headed down a dark road. Now that she lives with us and is getting counseling, she is able to see how wrong things were at her mom's house. I was really scared about how DSD was going to deal with the change in custody, but she has done really well. Also, I mentioned that I have been in an almost identical situation that the OP is talking about - we ended up letting her go back to her mom and dealt with it in the courts and won.

Lastly, I want to say - OP you did not do anything wrong. You and your DH had set up the house rules and told both DSD and the EX what those rules were, but DSD wanted to find a way to get around those rules. DSD is rebelling. Good luck and

 

[diznygirl]

Repeat after me: "Our house, our rules." and "You can speak about that with DH." These two sentence, along with the already mentioned, "Have a safe drive home," should get you through the pick-up of DSD.

If his daughter is not going to follow rules or be disciplined while visiting you guys, then what's the point of her being there at all?? DH needs to make EX understand that before the next visit.

Good luck!

 

[shortbun]

Seems like you and the little girl are both being used and abused by this crazy woman. I hope you can find a peaceful remedy for today. I don't think you should go away if your husband left there knowing his daughter was being picked up. But.....it's really odd that he would accept an 8yo's telling of what was happening. Does he not talk to his ex about pkup and drop off? Is the child always in charge of passing information back and forth? Also, allowing her to call and call and call and call is not reasonable. She should be able to call, yes. Once a day is more than reasonable. Special circumstances should allow MAYBE another call. Her using the phone calling to get out of chores is a bad habit to allow. Your husband needs to set rules for her and one of them is that YOU are in charge when he is not there. No ifs, ands or buts. She will be manipulating you horribly as she grows older if it is allowed now. If the Mom wants her to be able to call 50X daily, she should provide her with a cell phone and pay for it. Does she?

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I just got a phone call from EX's friend informing me they were in Illinois and that they would give me a call when they got closer.