Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[Donald13]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

I’m sorry it Didn’t go better but now you see her true colors. She’s just awful. No other words for it. I wish it had gone better for u

 

[starry_solo]

WOW....

 

[Donald13]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

Wow. That’s toddler behavior. They are entitled to nothing. You all have worked hard and are allowed to have an app and a drink. Uou don’t have to share it just because they feel like you are being “wasteful”. You’re so much better off without them.

 

[VandVsmama]

You're way better off without 'friends' like that in your life.

 

[LovesTimone]

I wouldn't block them quite yet. Instead I would fire a broadside right back. AND THEN BLOCK THEM BEFORE THEY CAN RESPOND!!!!

Here's a sample email I typed up for you just for the occasion if you choose to use it.

Dear Moochers. You're not thrifty, you're not cheap, you're moochers. But you are right about one thing. I was wasteful. I wasted 2 years of my life trying to cultivate a friendship with a couple of moochers that do nothing but take advantage of and leach off of other peoples' good natures. But unlike you, I don't get holier than thou and blame others for my problems. I myself am to blame for this for ever seeing anything redeeming in a couple of wastes of human skin like yourselves. I leave this so-called friendship where you have done nothing but use the rest of us....... wiser. I suppose I should actually be grateful for that because I'll be more attuned to figuring out societal leaches like yourselves much more quickly in the future. But right now, my feelings on the matter are that YOU CAN GO PISS UP A ROPE DONKEYS!!!!

Note feel free to replace donkeys with something stronger and not dis approved.

OP here,

Yes... it did cross my mind to fire off something really nasty... I will admit to that freely... and it would have included terms that would not ever ever be allowed here on the DIS.... Then I realized they just were not worth the effort to waste my time, energy or emotions on them. I did take a step back and decided the best response to this was no response at all... Which I know will drive both of them insane, that I would not bother respond back to the email... I do know most of the our group did what we did just block them and move on...

I will say that I know that one of the girls she is a real firecracker, she emailed her response and included everyone... She said that she wanted everyone to know exactly what she had said, so that there was no hearsay or gossip... It was blistering to say the least... She laid it all out on the line, and there were some instants that I was not aware of that happened...

I wanted to say thanks so much for all your response's, and kind words... hugs and pixie dust all around.

 

[TwoMisfits]

OP here,

Yes... it did cross my mind to fire off something really nasty... I will admit to that freely... and it would have included terms that would not ever ever be allowed here on the DIS.... Then I realized they just worth the effort to waste my time, energy or emotions on them. I did take a step back and decided the best response to this was no response at all... Which I know will drive both of them insane, that I would not bother respond back to the email... I do know most of the our group did what we did just block them and move on...

I will say that I know that one of the girls she is a real firecracker, she emailed her response and included everyone... She said that she wanted everyone to know exactly what she had said, so that there was no hearsay or gossip... It was blistering to say the least... She laid it all out on the line, and there were some instants that I was not aware of that happened...

I wanted to say thanks so much for all your response's, and kind words... hugs and pixie dust all around.

OP, it is the right move. Anything you send electronically, she can twist and use against you for her own purposes. Since that seems to be the type of person she is - a user - you don't want to give her any ammunition. Ignoring her is the absolute smartest and best solution.

 

[NotUrsula]

When I got to the part about the YAGE email, the first thing that came to mind was that old aphorism: "It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it." Not in regard to the OP, but the parasites she was dealing with.

That grand gesture email effectively killed their Golden goose -- or geese, in this case, because they were leeching off an entire group of people. Instead of playing members of the group against one another and perhaps managing to continue to benefit, they blew the whole wad in a fit of anger. A cop friend of mine once told me that the grifters in society always screw up eventually, because hubris gets the better of them, and this is a prime example. Not only venal and grasping, but stupid, to boot.

 

[nickg420]

Perhaps they have some debts that you are not aware of. I cannot abide meanness.

Then they should not be going out to dinners and on trips ruining other's good times....They should be worrying about their maxed credit and focusing on paying their debts.

 

[LovesTimone]

Then they should not be going out to dinners and on trips ruining other's good times....They should be worrying about their maxed credit and focusing on paying their debts.

OP here...

This is not a matter of them not having money to do anything, go anywhere... They have money... they just won't spend it...

They both make a very very good living, the house they live in is nice not elaborate, they have lived there for over 30 years, and its paid for and they updated it a few years back, and paid cash for the reno, neither of them drive a old car nor brand new.

If they have any debt, I can't even imagine where it would be, they never travel without being part of a group, and complain about having to pay for their own hotel room. They don't have any hobbies except - for him he loves to play golf, but he won't even pay to rent a golf cart, and only plays at the lower end course's, at odd hours, so he doesn't have to pay full price... if he is having to pay to play... if he can get someone to invite him to play at one of the high-end course's, still he won't offer to pay for the golf cart, or even a round of drinks at the 19th hole ... she makes quilts... But neither of these would break the bank...

They really don't have any family... I can't imagine that they would help out, which if either one of them ever opened their wallet would shock me... She only has her Dad, and one sister that she talks to, the others siblings will not have anything to do with her... and He has a sister that he keeps in touch with...while he has both parents he doesn't have anything to do with them, and his other siblings he basically hates them...

Honestly... Now that I am looking at it from a different perspective, I can see clearly that they were never our friends .... to anyone in the group... they were about using us for whatever they could... I think they don't see it as using someone they see us as a resource or benefit for them to use, so that they don't have to spend any money... and get to do stuff that they would never spend their own money for...

 

[design_mom]

Honestly... Now that I am looking at it from a different perspective, I can see clearly that they were never our friends .... to anyone in the group... they were about using us for whatever they could... I think they don't see it as using someone they see us as a resource or benefit for them to use, so that they don't have to spend any money... and get to do stuff that they would never spend their own money for...

I'm certainly not defending their cheapness and I don't blame you for not wanting to be their "golden goose." But you said earlier that they were really nice people --something about staying with your mom in the hospital when you weren't able to be there, etc. (I'm not going to go back and find the post, but I believe there were several examples of "good friend" behavior that did not involve money.) I get that the friendship has imploded over money, but... it doesn't sound like it's fair to say "they were never our friends." The whole situation is sad.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

@LovesTimone I need to order some gift cards from Costco, can you please PM me with your login information? Please and thank you.

 

[Donald13]

OP here...

This is not a matter of them not having money to do anything, go anywhere... They have money... they just won't spend it...

They both make a very very good living, the house they live in is nice not elaborate, they have lived there for over 30 years, and its paid for and they updated it a few years back, and paid cash for the reno, neither of them drive a old car nor brand new.

If they have any debt, I can't even imagine where it would be, they never travel without being part of a group, and complain about having to pay for their own hotel room. They don't have any hobbies except - for him he loves to play golf, but he won't even pay to rent a golf cart, and only plays at the lower end course's, at odd hours, so he doesn't have to pay full price... if he is having to pay to play... if he can get someone to invite him to play at one of the high-end course's, still he won't offer to pay for the golf cart, or even a round of drinks at the 19th hole ... she makes quilts... But neither of these would break the bank...

They really don't have any family... I can't imagine that they would help out, which if either one of them ever opened their wallet would shock me... She only has her Dad, and one sister that she talks to, the others siblings will not have anything to do with her... and He has a sister that he keeps in touch with...while he has both parents he doesn't have anything to do with them, and his other siblings he basically hates them...

Honestly... Now that I am looking at it from a different perspective, I can see clearly that they were never our friends .... to anyone in the group... they were about using us for whatever they could... I think they don't see it as using someone they see us as a resource or benefit for them to use, so that they don't have to spend any money... and get to do stuff that they would never spend their own money for...

What gets me is that she admitted to using you and didn’t see the problem… and the fact that their families don’t speak to them is very telling. It’s them, it’s not you

 

[HopperFan]

OP here...

They really don't have any family... I can't imagine that they would help out, which if either one of them ever opened their wallet would shock me... She only has her Dad, and one sister that she talks to, the others siblings will not have anything to do with her... and He has a sister that he keeps in touch with...while he has both parents he doesn't have anything to do with them, and his other siblings he basically hates them...

What gets me is that she admitted to using you and didn’t see the problem… and the fact that their families don’t speak to them is very telling. It’s them, it’s not you

Yeah I am going with it's not that they don't have anything to do with the family members, it's that the members won't have anything to do with them.

 

[Jonfw2]

My brother in law (wife's bro) came into town with his family and we got chosen to do the grocery shopping. We decided to just kind of split the groceries down the middle and each pay for half. When we were up at the register he realized he'd forgotten something and ran back to get it. So I was left alone when the cashier was done...I paid. He got his one thing, paid for that, and never said a word about the rest.

Later in that trip, my wife suggested taking him and his two boys to the zoo. One of them would be free with our membership. He said "why don't we just take them to a park and they can go on the swings?"

Finally, on the last night, they were planning dinner and my wife suggested just ordering a couple of pizzas. Nope- he wanted to eat at a nice restaurant. So, we went to a farm to table place in our town. He got an expensive drink, then ordered a craft burger with a bunch of upgrades...then when the bill came, he complained about it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yeah I don't really think we need to try and come up with is it them or their family. Toxic families exist in many forms. The fact that their family won't talk to them isn't a definitive "it's them". You have had plenty of DISers post about their toxic family who just up and cut them out of their lives. Surely people understand toxic family members can cut you out just as easily as you can cut them out?

In any case is it really fair at this point to just hammer on and on about this couple? Just be done with them and move on, no need to try and drag them through the mud time and time again. Let it go

 

[mom2rtk]

Yeah I don't really think we need to try and come up with is it them or their family. Toxic families exist in many forms. The fact that their family won't talk to them isn't a definitive "it's them". You have had plenty of DISers post about their toxic family who just up and cut them out of their lives. Surely people understand toxic family members can cut you out just as easily as you can cut them out?

In any case is it really fair at this point to just hammer on and on about this couple? Just be done with them and move on, no need to try and drag them through the mud time and time again. Let it go

I agree. They do seem like cheapskates and annoying to have as friends. But this dragging them through the mud seems over the top to me.

 

[Stratman50th]

@LovesTimone, hey, can we borrow your RV when you get it. I mean if you aren't using it some time it would be a shame for it to just be sitting there not used. I mean, I'm willing to be friends!
You did right. Don't worry about them, you don't need them in your life.

 

[VandVsmama]

Yeah I am going with it's not that they don't have anything to do with the family members, it's that the members won't have anything to do with them.

This x 100.

Since both of them are estranged from a fair number of extended family members, there's probably a reason for that. And given their behavior toward you and your mutual friends, I bet the reason is them, not their relatives.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Send them a turd (dog, human, or other species) in a fancy gift wrapped box.

I'm serious.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

there is no reason why any of the parties traveling together should be obligated to fly on the same airline, or wait for another party to get to the airport to share Uber, or share a hotel room. A friend doesn't have the right to demand use of a membership card or a ride to the airport. There are words that apply to that and they are SORRY, NO and NO THANK YOU. If they won't contribute to gatherings, then don't invite them. If they don't like it, they can travel by themselves, do whatever else they want.