Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[izzy]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

They are nuts and now the rest of the group knows it, too.

 

[HopperFan]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

WOW, I certainly didn't see that ending coming. It's almost comical - how their brains work, or I guess don't work. The plus is you all don't have to try to step on egg shells or try to figure out how to move forward without them dragging you down. But I think your group should get together, have a big party with LOTS of appetizers and covered dishes, drinks and toasts to the end! And make sure someone posts on facebook etc for them to see all your wasteful behavior.

 

[ronandannette]

WOW, I certainly didn't see that ending coming. It's almost comical - how their brains work, or I guess don't work. The plus is you all don't have to try to step on egg shells or try to figure out how to move forward without them dragging you down. But I think your group should get together, have a big party with LOTS of appetizers and covered dishes, drinks and toasts to the end! And make sure someone posts on facebook etc for them to see all your wasteful behavior.

OP - this is probably the last thing you should actually do. As interesting as this thread has been for the rest of us, it has to have been a painful chapter with a disappointing ending for you. Nurse your wounds, yes - but try not to get into a cycle of bitterness and gossip with your remaining friends that keeps this couple and their antics in the forefront, although I know that will be tempting. I hope none of you even reply to the email. You’ve put enough emotional energy into this - time to let go. I wish you all well.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This couple seems to thrive off indignation and attention. Hopefully no one in the group responded to their YAGE letter in terms of ending their friendship. Let them have the last word without giving them the attention they seem to desire. Sadly it's likely they'll just move on quickly enough to a new group of people to use.

 

[Kennywood]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

 

[VandVsmama]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

Wow. Holy moly. Good grief! So to sum it all up...

• She basically said, "I've been using ALL of you this entire time. I'm not sorry for it. In fact, you should be thanking me for using you. I am better/more special/more entitled than you. What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. I never graduated preschool, never learned to share with others. If I see it, it's mine. I use other people and I'm proud of it. I am totally self-absorbed and proud of it."
• The friendship was clearly NEVER based on what you thought it was. She was basically just using you the entire time and you didn't realize it.

 

[RedAngie]

Years ago a group tried that that with DW and I. About 5 or 6 ordered multiple alcohol drinks, appetizers, expensive entrees, and desserts. DW and I and a few others ordered modestly. When the check came, one blowhard said we'd all be dividing the check evenly. Nope, not a chance. Let me see the check and I'll pay for what DW and I ordered, plus tax and a good tip.

I got called cheap, but the blowhard shut up when I flat out told him HE was the cheapskate for wanting us and others to pay for part of his extravagant meal. We threw our fair share on the table and left and never associated with those people again. I'm not sure if the others who ate modestly paid more than their share.

No doubt the blowhard and other over-orderers seek out new people to take advantage of, with the hopes of them being too timid to question the split evenly method.

 

[AgentMama]

Some people are able to justify all kinds of really poor and selfish behavior. At least you're able to cut them out moving forward. They seem to have a very twisted view of what they contribute and what they deserve. We have someone in our life like this that due to relationships, we've been able to limit the impact but not cut them out and it would be nice if we could just move on.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

Wow. That's a new level to advertise that you're completely aware that you're not contributing your fair share to any group events. Not to mention the judgement towards being "wasteful" that is actually generosity of your friends.

I guess the good news is there won't be any awkwardness going forward when you run into them at gatherings.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...

I wouldn't block them quite yet. Instead I would fire a broadside right back. AND THEN BLOCK THEM BEFORE THEY CAN RESPOND!!!!

Here's a sample email I typed up for you just for the occasion if you choose to use it.

Dear Moochers. You're not thrifty, you're not cheap, you're moochers. But you are right about one thing. I was wasteful. I wasted 2 years of my life trying to cultivate a friendship with a couple of moochers that do nothing but take advantage of and leach off of other peoples' good natures. But unlike you, I don't get holier than thou and blame others for my problems. I myself am to blame for this for ever seeing anything redeeming in a couple of wastes of human skin like yourselves. I leave this so-called friendship where you have done nothing but use the rest of us....... wiser. I suppose I should actually be grateful for that because I'll be more attuned to figuring out societal leaches like yourselves much more quickly in the future. But right now, my feelings on the matter are that YOU CAN GO PISS UP A ROPE DONKEYS!!!!

Note feel free to replace donkeys with something stronger and not dis approved.

 

[AgentMama]

I wouldn't block them quite yet. Instead I would fire a broadside right back. AND THEN BLOCK THEM BEFORE THEY CAN RESPOND!!!!

Here's a sample email I typed up for you just for the occasion if you choose to use it.

Dear Moochers. You're not thrifty, you're not cheap, you're moochers. But you are right about one thing. I was wasteful. I wasted 2 years of my life trying to cultivate a friendship with a couple of moochers that do nothing but take advantage of and leach off of other peoples' good natures. But unlike you, I don't get holier than thou and blame others for my problems. I myself am to blame for this for ever seeing anything redeeming in a couple of wastes of human skin like yourselves. I leave this so-called friendship where you have done nothing but use the rest of us....... wiser. I suppose I should actually be grateful for that because I'll be more attuned to figuring out societal leaches like yourselves much more quickly in the future. But right now, YOU CAN GO PISS UP A ROPE DONKEYS!!!!

Note feel free to replace donkeys with something stronger and not dis approved.

This just becomes a never ending game of trying to get the last word, OP said her peace, sounds like the group said their peace by also stopping to include this couple in their plans, at this point I would just let it go. You can't rationalize with people like this couple and when you attack you just give them a reason to feel like they're not in the wrong. Seems there really isn't anything left to say.

 

[Travel60]

Just put it down and walk away. They are dead to you. No emails, no Facebook posts (block them before you post anything). If you run into them a brief nod of the head. No talking about them with the rest of the group. If asked, respond "I was very disappointed but not sad." Period.

 

[Allison]

I wouldn't block them quite yet. Instead I would fire a broadside right back. AND THEN BLOCK THEM BEFORE THEY CAN RESPOND!!!!

Here's a sample email I typed up for you just for the occasion if you choose to use it.

Dear Moochers. You're not thrifty, you're not cheap, you're moochers. But you are right about one thing. I was wasteful. I wasted 2 years of my life trying to cultivate a friendship with a couple of moochers that do nothing but take advantage of and leach off of other peoples' good natures. But unlike you, I don't get holier than thou and blame others for my problems. I myself am to blame for this for ever seeing anything redeeming in a couple of wastes of human skin like yourselves. I leave this so-called friendship where you have done nothing but use the rest of us....... wiser. I suppose I should actually be grateful for that because I'll be more attuned to figuring out societal leaches like yourselves much more quickly in the future. But right now, YOU CAN GO PISS UP A ROPE DONKEYS!!!!

Note feel free to replace donkeys with something stronger and not dis approved.

There isn't a productive mature reason to do that.

 

[LuvN~Travel]

For a VERY brief time, when my older brother was little, he suddenly stopped eating his supper. It wasn't that our mom was serving food he didn't like. He simply wasn't hungry. After a few evenings of this, our mom really started to get worried and considered taking him to the doctor.

One afternoon, our mom was talking with the neighbor ladies and mentioned my brother's "problem". Then she found out that my brother had been going to the neighbors' houses shortly before supper and they would feed him!

Our mom put a quick stop that that and suddenly my brother was hungry at suppertime! Lol

When our daughter was a toddler, one day her day care giver asked us if we fed her breakfast or supper. We said yes, but why do you ask? She said she would get to her place, eat breakfast with her and her son, eat lunch (which was proper) and since the giver fixed an early supper, our daughter was eating with them too! lol We had a great laugh over that one. Granted due to her health problems causing her to expend so much energy trying to breath, at the time she burned up some calories! We just didn't realize she was having 5 meals a day while at it! lol

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

There isn't a productive mature reason to do that.

Sure there is. Burning a bridge and leaving no doubt about it is productive in certain cases. As for maturity, it, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Further, trying to be "civil, productive and mature" as I would envision those things to be clearly didn't work in this case. In fact, that is exactly what those leaches took advantage of.

This just becomes a never ending game of trying to get the last word, OP said her peace, sounds like the group said their peace by also stopping to include this couple in their plans, at this point I would just let it go. You can't rationalize with people like this couple and when you attack you just give them a reason to feel like they're not in the wrong. Seems there really isn't anything left to say.

Well being nice sure didn't work. It only enabled them more. It's not an attempt to rationalize. They're moochers. It is clear that they are aware of it and have already rationalized their deplorable behavior. And they'll always be what they are until they develop some better ethics. I find the chances of that highly unlikely. Though there are some bridges in life one shouldn't burn, there is nothing wrong with burning that particular one imo.

Years ago a group tried that that with DW and I. About 5 or 6 ordered multiple alcohol drinks, appetizers, expensive entrees, and desserts. DW and I and a few others ordered modestly. When the check came, one blowhard said we'd all be dividing the check evenly. Nope, not a chance. Let me see the check and I'll pay for what DW and I ordered, plus tax and a good tip.

I got called cheap, but the blowhard shut up when I flat out told him HE was the cheapskate for wanting us and others to pay for part of his extravagant meal. We threw our fair share on the table and left and never associated with those people again. I'm not sure if the others who ate modestly paid more than their share.

Kudos to you for not letting yourself get mooched on and firing right back on the moocher after he tried to insult you. Was it the most civil thing to do? No. But he forfeited his right to civility with his shots fired comment about you being cheap. I'd bet after you did what you did, the others probably did the same albeit without the comments. Most people are good natured folk. Moochers know this and take advantage of it.

 

[Kennywood]

When moochers tell you they want nothing more to do with you....

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sure there is. Burning a bridge and leaving no doubt about it is productive in certain cases. As for maturity, it, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Further, trying to be "civil, productive and mature" as I would envision those things to be clearly didn't work in this case. In fact, that is exactly what those leaches took advantage of.


Well being nice sure didn't work. It only enabled them more. It's not an attempt to rationalize. They're moochers. It is clear that they are aware of it and have already rationalized their deplorable behavior. And they'll always be what they are until they develop some better ethics. I find the chances of that highly unlikely. Though there are some bridges in life one shouldn't burn, there is nothing wrong with burning that particular one imo.


Kudos to you for not letting yourself get mooched on and firing right back on the moocher after he tried to insult you. Was it the most civil thing to do? No. But he forfeited his right to civility with his shots fired comment about you being cheap. I'd bet after you did what you did, the others probably did the same albeit without the comments. Most people are good natured folk. Moochers know this and take advantage of it.

Firing back with a loud response just plays into their hands. I think you can burn the bridge by not having any communication with them. You aren't trying to explain yourself, you aren't trying to maintain the friendship, you aren't trying to do anything but go on your way effectively cutting ties and not looking back and they are left sputtering because they didn't get a raise out of you. I'd say the bridge is burned and communication with this couple at this point only serves to try and put out the burning and salvage the bridge which would just continue the cycle of using and mooching.

 

[mamamelody2]

Wow, OP! That's just...uh...that's something!! LOL.
I know if it was me, the next get-together would feature much complaining about them, then from there just leave them in the past.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Firing back with a loud response just plays into their hands. I think you can burn the bridge by not having any communication with them. You aren't trying to explain yourself, you aren't trying to maintain the friendship, you aren't trying to do anything but go on your way effectively cutting ties and not looking back and they are left sputtering because they didn't get a raise out of you. I'd say the bridge is burned and communication with this couple at this point only serves to try and put out the burning and salvage the bridge which would just continue the cycle of using and mooching.

First. I fail to understand how anyone could read my suggested email as any sort of attempt to salvage the bridge. In fact quite the opposite. BOOM!!! And if anyone didn't understand that, the fact that they're locked out of social media right afterwards would give em the hint.

Secondly. Again, it's not like being nice worked did it? It's not like chewing them out is going to cause their mooching. They're already moochers.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

First. I fail to understand how anyone could read my suggested email as any sort of attempt to salvage the bridge. In fact quite the opposite. BOOM!!! And if anyone didn't understand that, the fact that they're locked out of social media right afterwards would give em the hint.

Secondly. Again, it's not like being nice worked did it? It's not like chewing them out is going to cause their mooching. They're already moochers.

If you're done with these people who cares if nice didn't work out...you're done with them so be done and move on. I mean if the OP feels it's cathartic to write out go for it but I wouldn't send it.

By salvaging I meant getting lulled back into the mess of whatever it was (cuz it really wasn't friendship). You respond then it gives them the opportunity to respond even if you block them on e-mail or social media you've given them something to respond to and there may be temptation to see just what they had to say. To each their own but I'd just rather be done with these people than do a "stick it to 'em" thing. They don't need any more of my attention.