Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[Grand Koalafornian]

Years ago a group tried that that with DW and I. About 5 or 6 ordered multiple alcohol drinks, appetizers, expensive entrees, and desserts. DW and I ordered modestly. When the check came, one blowhard said we'd all be dividing the check evenly. Nope, not a chance. Let me see the check and I'll pay for what DW and I ordered, plus tax and a good tip.

I got called cheap, but the blowhard shut up when I flat out told him HE was the cheapskate for wanting us to pay for part of his extravagant meal. We threw out fair share on the table and left and never associated with those people again.

It’s been a long time since someone I knew wanted to split evenly. I used to be the designated driver before Uber and Lyft were a thing, so I didn’t drink, plus as a vegetarian, my meal usually cost way less than everyone else’s. I would have been so angry if people wanted me to pay for their alcohol before I ferried them all home.

The only exception is when it’s someone’s birthday, I’m willing to split evenly then. With my friends, if someone orders something expensive, they’ll pay more without having to be asked.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

This reminds me of my cheap co-worker.

We lived not far from each other and he suggested we carpool, using my car because he didn't have one. I said "Sure!", thinking I at least would get help with splitting the gas cost.

I drove him back and forth for a couple of weeks and he wasn't mentioning anything about giving me gas money. Once I had to stop for gas with him in the car thinking that would jar him into mentioning it, but it didn't. Another time it was snowing like crazy and I asked him if he could get out and pump the gas this time and give me a break. He said no because it was my car!

So I finally got up the nerve to ask him for gas money and he responded with "Why? You're going there anyway." So this "carpool" did not benefit me in anyway lol. It took me a long time to wise up, I was young (19) and he was like a 50-year-old man. What a jerk.

But he was the type that always had some excuse why couldn't bring things to potlucks, but he could always partake. And if he gave you money to pick him up a coffee or something, he would always ask for his change back, but if HE went to pick up the coffee he would keep everyone's change

Just like the couple in the OP, this 50 year old man was an experienced user looking for a victim.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

Years ago a group tried that that with DW and I. About 5 or 6 ordered multiple alcohol drinks, appetizers, expensive entrees, and desserts. DW and I ordered modestly. When the check came, one blowhard said we'd all be dividing the check evenly. Nope, not a chance. Let me see the check and I'll pay for what DW and I ordered, plus tax and a good tip.

I got called cheap, but the blowhard shut up when I flat out told him HE was the cheapskate for wanting us to pay for part of his extravagant meal. We threw out fair share on the table and left and never associated with those people again.

Good for you! We don't order apps, alcohol or desserts. I don't want to pay for others. Seems we were considered cheap but I don't care. It gets old real quick paying for others!

 

[_19disnA]

To me there is a difference between someone who is frugal compared to someone who just tries to take advantage of others. I don't think the OP needs to be a psychologist to try and figure out 'why' these people act this way. If they are friends you don't enjoy being around, then move on to other friends who you have more in common with. If you let them continue to take advantage of you they will.

I once had a co-worker who occasionally needed to borrow money since he left his wallet in his car or any number of other excuses. Then it would take a long time for him to 'remember' to pay me back. I eventually started putting those post-it notes on my file cabinet that said "Joe owes me $20"................he paid me back and never again asked to borrow money........fine by me. I think for some people it is the idea they are able to get away with something until someone no longer puts up with their nonsense.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

So would you say anything to them, or just over look it...

Personally, if having an ongoing friendship was important to me then I would say something. If my life would be better without it, I wouldn't say much more than decline their invites to have you continue to pay for their stuff.

If they believe that maintaining a friendship with you is important then they will listen to you when you do say something.

What I would not do - continue the friendship with no change.

 

[JoeA]

Oh wow, I took a trip on the way back machine and just remembered a great (to me anyway!) story.

Years ago I worked for a small family owned business with about 10 or so employees. We were all pretty close and would pitch in and buy beer on Friday afternoons and have a few before we took off for the weekend. Friday was pay day so one guy would always leave to cash his check but never helped buy the beer or even pitch in a few buck to the beer fund.

Or so we thought...

We saw that he DID indeed buy beer but he would leave it in the truck and come back inside and drink ours. So I did what any reasonable person would do...broke into his (old) truck, got his beer and came back inside pretending I had just came back from buying more office beer!

The dude even went as far as saying he was about the leave but since we had more beer he may as well stay and have a few more with his good buddies! The SOB had the nerve to actually come back inside and yell at us for stealing his beer.

He was the type that would come to the picnic pretty much empty handed and leave with enough leftovers to feed his family for the week.

As a side note, and TMI, he had a vasectomy while he worked with us and his wife ended up pregnant. He said it was a botched procedure but nope...baby was clearly from another father!
No need to stretch your imagination as to why we all thought so, anyway.

Ah man, that guy was always good for a few stories!

 

[HopperFan]

What a fun thread to read .... best chuckles this week. I mean we all know these people.

So let me back up a second...

We have some friends that are really nice people and fun to hang out with, both are really nice, and have a great since of adventure, great sense of humor... he is absolutely hysterical... lately their cheapness is wearing out it welcome with us and others in our group of friends...

They are extremely cheap..

So you are wondering is it a money problem... No, he make well over 6+ figures, and she make over 6 figures, they live in a nice home, typical Fl. home 3 bed 2 bath with a pool... but its not extravagant or anything, just to 2 of them and their dogs, nice cars but nothing crazy...

When going out to eat at a nice restaurant with them is a nightmare... so normally we cook out at each other houses... just so that we can eat in peace... and not be embarrassed... If we do go out to eat... It goes like this, - "What no bread basket, that just ridiculous, can't they give you some bread"... They will not order a appetizer, and normally DH and I order a appetizer to share, and he is like wow that looks great, it should for 14.00 bucks or whatever... which DH and I final have gotten to were we just say yep soooo good, you should have gotten one, and we use to offer them some, not anymore...

They complain about the cost of literally everything... and telling you what your spending, or make a comment like that beer is 8 or 10 dollars...wow, your going to spend 50.00 bucks on a steak...

So normally we stick to thing that are all inclusive, like resorts in the Caribbean, or Cruises - when we travel with them... its just easier... this way everyone can pick their own room price point and you don't have to worry about meals, and such... He pitched a fit when we got back on the ship in Nassau, and they would not let him take the booze he bought back to the room... DH and I said we will see you guys at dinner, and left them there arguing with the security guys.. they did not come to dinner that night they ate the buffet...and would not hang out with us, because we were paying ridiculous price for drinks...

Don't even mention the cost of airfare... If we have to fly somewhere, we never fly together everyone has there favorite airline, points and all.. as they like the budget airline, and will take 12 hours to get somewhere to save like 40 or 50 dollars... Last time a big group of us went to Vegas( way before covid), they wanted someone to wait at the airport for 4 hours so that they could split a uber, to which everyone was like no...

Same Vegas trip... We all stayed at Mirage this trip, and they wanted to share a room with someone... which of course no couple wants to share a room with another couple... for goodness sake its vegas... so they decided to stay at Treasure Island.. which is fine, yet they complained that they had to walk over to meet ust, they would not pay for the show we all decided on before the trip, they waited to get discount tickets and the show was sold out, then got kinda upset that we all went without them... they only wanted to eat in the food court, which is fine just not every meal...we wanted to check some of the great restaurants, We went to eat at a middle of the road restaurant some Irish pub place for late lunch, and he was like I'm not paying 20 bucks for a Ruben sandwich, the server was like it is really a large sandwich and you could share it if you like, so they sat there and shared a beer, while we all ate, then wanted us to sit in the food court while they split a hot dog meal... which of course no-one did, we all headed for the gaming floor... They wanted to go to bed at like 10:00 pm, and be up at like 5:00 to hit the gym, which is fine for them... the rest of us just do whatever and meet up whenever... thus separate rooms...

I understand that it's their money and spend it or not spend it how they want to... The problem is lately them over stepping has really gotten out of control...

So what I mean by the above... most of our group has like some type of big box warehouse membership, BJ's, Sam's or Costo - and she will call up someone up and say hey are you going to Sam's or where-ever, then ask if you can swing by and pick her up and let her use your card... This has been going on for a long time it's just getting worse and worse, its like they expect it... last week I went to BJ's and she called me and said, why didn't you tell me you were going to BJ's, I guess some how she found out and said you could have picked me up and I could have went with you... and I was not feeling very good that day she called, I was dealing with a sinus headache that day, and really wasn't in the mood to play nice... and I said, I did not realize that I needed to call you to ask for your permission to use my card that I pay for at BJ's, and be your taxi service while I was at it... Why don't you just get your own dang card... then I said I have to go, I think I'm going to throw up... and I hung up the phone... LOL...

The other two things is that they never offer to drive at all any more, its like everyone is expect just to pick them up if we are all going to the airport, they will not drive their car, and pay for parking, they want to ride with you, and never offer to pay half the parking, they went on a trip with some friends not long ago, and he was like hey since I drove way over to your house to pick you guys up, you can pick up the parking tab, they were like you were going to park here with or without us, why should we pay for you to park your car... Needless to say, our friends told them to use Uber to get home... Second they never want to host at their house and if they do basically they have everyone bring enough food and they end up just eating what we bring...I will say that they do offer and will clean up when they are at your house, which is nice... Last weekend we decided to stay home, and skip a BBQ that we were invited to... they were suppose to bring enough of some sort of salad for like 15 to 20 people, as well as whatever they wanted to drink adult beverages wise... they took a medium container of Publix macaroni salad, not even the large container ... and that was it, and helped themselves to whatever everyone else brought with the adult beverages... My friend was so mad and She is a firecracker, and she said something to him about it, his response was that there was plenty of food for everyone, and would she mind if they took a plate home, to which she answer No, I'm not okay with that...

So would you say anything to them, or just over look it...

I bolded your highlight points. To your last question would I say anything or over look it - neither, they would not be in my circle anymore. If COVID has done anything it has allowed us to alter our way of life, put perspective into what is our joy and has me at least being more selective on who is around me going forward.

I was going to say your friends are not cheap because I suppose I associated cheap with spendthrift, frugal, economically conservative etc ALL of which are not bad things to be at all. But I looked it up and it means ...

A "cheap person" is usually a person who doesn't like to spend money, especially someone who doesn't spend money in situations when he can and should. A slang term for such a person is "cheapskate".

So given your friends live very well by most standards, have high incomes, have no children to leave their money to .... and they have chosen to not spend their money but rather to spend yours when they very well can afford to ... they are cheap.

If they wish to be frugal etc, that is perfectly fine, I think in most instances I am very frugal. We all have different priorities; I buy a $1000 sofa with plans to keep it 6-7 years and my sister buys a $5000 custom sofa and will have to look at it (complaining towards the end) for 20 years. But I will take my family out for dinner and enjoy their company while she will ask her kids to pay her for their own meals. (We both have very young adult children). She thinks I buy cheap furniture and I think she is cheap with spending a nice evening with her kids. We both have different things we choose to spend our money on and that is okay.

Your "friend" is abusive to your "Friendship". They want you to pay for many of their expenses that they should be paying. There is no excuse for that. None. It's disrespectful and they are taking advantage of you (and they already know it). The old saying "rich people stay rich spending other people's money".

Your "friend" is RUDE! The comments they make to you all and to service industry people, the expectations that you all should always accommodate them .... unacceptable. They think they can entertain you and keep you laughing while bulldozing your trips with their demands. They are bullies and they know it.

You've all reached that point where enough is enough. It's time to let them float away and find someone else to meet their demands. Life is too short. Older I get the more toxic people I let go of and I feel so much better about who is around me.

 

[Stratman50th]

I'm only up to page 3, and I'm going to read all the comments as I find it interesting. I'm in the have a conversation camp. If that fails, stop going places and doing things with them. This isn't about you being mean. This is about them not caring in the least what other peoples feelings are, as well as having an exaggerated feeling of entitlement. In this particular case It seems as though they are just oblivious. In other cases, people prey on other's kindness in terms of they count on the other party being too polite to object. This is how telemarketers keep people on the phone. They know most are too polite to hang up on them. We have friends that the first time we went out with them they told the server "separate checks please". Some might not like it but it was very freeing to us and we've done it ever since. They like to have a few drinks. We don't. Everyone knows how that can add up. Plus you don't have to keep track and divvy up the check. We like to tip 20% if the service is good. Others don't.
Sorry I kind of rambled on but tell them straight up what the rules are are going to be. They will either agree and continue the friendship or not. If yes, great. If not what is the loss? If you value the friendship enough to put up with their shenanigans that's on you.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Different priorities. I wear the "Cheap" label proudly. Being cheap is how put two kids through private school K-12 and how we retired several years before full Social Security retriement age.

Please give an example or 2 of you wearing it proudly amongst friends or family like the OP . It's one thing to be cheap within the complexity of yourself or with your SO, but dining out, vacations with other couples? I'm curious did you do "cheap" with others just because you could?

 

[mrodgers]

Yup, the looks is what caught me. It seems unreal that after over 50 years of owning cars I was finally able to get my favorite color because this auto looks especially good in red. It made me an offer I could not refuse.

View attachment 601239

Turbo charged 4 cyl. that can keep up with just about anything and gets close to 40 mpg. on a trip. People that I don't even know have asked me about the car. They saw the VW logo but just couldn't believe it I guess. It is comfortable to drive and ride in but as I get older getting in and out is a bit more of a challenge, but I will continue to work at it. Previous to this I had a 2016 VW Passat that I really liked, but this one won me over.

Sharp! Previous car was an 03 Jetta Wolfsburg 1.8t manual (used and was a bit old when I bought so it didn't matter the trim level, it's what was out there) and I really miss that 1.8t. My daughter just bought a 14 Passat, but regular automatic. I'm "jealous" of her car now, LOL, but I drove it and it confirmed that I don't want a regular automatic. I haven't driven a DSG to see if it is adequate to replace my 30+ years of driving a manual.

 

[LovesTimone]

The only thing I see in that scenario is that it seems to be husband driven. It doesn't say whether or not the wife is the same or if she's just held hostage by his frugality. He might not let her get a big box card so the only way she can go is if she tags along. If that's the case I feel sorry for her and probably would let her continue to go along. If she's a willing partner I'd cut her off.

OP here

No its not all the husband... when we get together to go shopping, she does the same thing... If you are looking at something, she will say things like that's not on sale, or that's to expensive, or my favorite, I would never spend that on whatever it is... Most of the time we all just say well, its my money, or it a good things your not buying it then... right...? When we go to lunch she will order just cup of soup or a side salad, and she always wants to eat somewhere were they offer a bread basket or crackers, hushpuppies of something like this for the table... and once in a while she will splurge for Coke or Ice tea...

Really most of the time it doesn't bother me at all, its just her way... most of the time I can just look over it or past it.... Yet... Lately, it has been wearing on me, and then I realized that I am avoiding her.... them... One of the reason we decided to stay home, was because we knew that they were going to be there... and after they whole BJ's thing, I really just didn't want to rehash it...

 

[evilmommie]

Being cheap/frugal is one thing and can be overlooked, being rude and making nasty comments about your personal taste and how you spend your own money is something completely different.

As a friend pointed out to me recently about a huge incident that happened with someone in our group…that person is not your friend! Friends don’t make nasty comments or put you down. Period. You have to surround yourself with people who bring you up not down.

 

[tzolkin]

Most places will split the check but they have a limit. Maybe 2-3 checks but not 4-5 or more. I don’t blame them. If they don’t put limits it can get out of control. I read a recent story about a restaurant calling the cops because a group of 25 wanted 25 separate checks and when they were told no It got ugly.

Yes, the no separate checks is a preference and a restaurant policy not because it can’t be done. I think it’s viewed as acceptable where you’re at because it’s probably the norm there. (Are you in NY?) So the servers have no problem telling people no because most customers assume they’ll have to throw in cash to split the group bill. In other parts of the country where the assumption is automatically that everyone in a party is paying separately, the server has no hesitation about giving 5, 10, or even 25 separate checks.

If four couples came in separately to have dinner, they would of course give each table a separate check so what’s really the difference if the four couples are sitting together and the same server is helping them? I would think the server would also make out better on tips doing multiple checks than one large check shared by the group.

 

[gina2000]

I would be willing to bet you a nickel that the people saying they always split evenly are the same people who order the pricey wine and expensive apps. Nobody ever sees themselves as taking advantage or being the cheapskate. I don't mean people who are actually frugal--myself included. I mean the people who wouldn't have ordered that fancy wine if they were paying full freight. If you wouldn't order it if you were paying, then don't order it on someone else's dime.

I can honestly say that we split the bill and we never, ever order the pricey wines and expensive apps. We share all apps and there are some times when we pay more than our share and other times when we don’t. We only go out with close friends and close relatives. Truthfully, I resent the implication that people who split the bill take advantage of others. We do it because it’s easier. As a matter of fact, one member always eats less and insists on splitting the tab evenly. She loves the camaraderie and friendship and that’s worth it to her. And yes, we ask her to pay less and she won’t have it.

P.S. I don’t want your nickel.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think people are still misinterpreting the word "mean". The poster who used that word Welsh Dragon, who (I presume) is not American. In the UK, "mean" means someone who is tight with money--I believe the word is used to describe Mr. Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol".

OTOH, I think it's a pretty mean thing to do, taking advantage of friends and making snide remarks like the OP describes. But, that's not what was meant by Welsh Dragon's comment. WD, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[Donald13]

I won’t go out to eat with my husbands family. Multiple Reasons, most are listed. We went out once years ago and me and my husband ordered cheaper meals, put in our fair share. Of course my mil HAD to tell us that my fil had to add money for us. To pay for his families multiple apps and drinks. I’m fine with paying my share but I’m not paying for your lobster. In op’s case, walk away. Too many micro aggressions. They will never change

 

[QueenIsabella]

I can honestly say that we split the bill and we never, ever order the pricey wines and expensive apps. We share all apps and there are some times when we pay more than our share and other times when we don’t. We only go out with close friends and close relatives. Truthfully, I resent the implication that people who split the bill take advantage of others. We do it because it’s easier. As a matter of fact, one member always eats less and insists on splitting the tab evenly. She loves the camaraderie and friendship and that’s worth it to her. And yes, we ask her to pay less and she won’t have it.

P.S. I don’t want your nickel.

I didn't mean everyone who splits a bill. Heck, when I go out with my BFF, we always split the bill--we'd be willing to alternate, but we can never remember who paid last time! But I don't think someone is going to come on the DIS and actually admit that they run up the bill, then split the check so they pay less. They're going to say, "Oh, we always split the bill, we're good friends, no hard feelings"--even if they happen to be friends with the OP...

 

[OKW8297]

Different priorities. I wear the "Cheap" label proudly. Being cheap is how put two kids through private school K-12 and how we retired several years before full Social Security retriement age.

That’s fine as long as you don’t expect other people to fill in the gap for you.

 

[mikehn]

Sounds like my cousin, total cheapskate all his life. He recently remarried and his new bride has set him straight , thank goodness.

 

[Cheburashka]

So let me back up a second...

We have some friends that are really nice people and fun to hang out with, both are really nice, and have a great since of adventure, great sense of humor... he is absolutely hysterical... lately their cheapness is wearing out it welcome with us and others in our group of friends...

They are extremely cheap..

So you are wondering is it a money problem... No, he make well over 6+ figures, and she make over 6 figures, they live in a nice home, typical Fl. home 3 bed 2 bath with a pool... but its not extravagant or anything, just to 2 of them and their dogs, nice cars but nothing crazy...

When going out to eat at a nice restaurant with them is a nightmare... so normally we cook out at each other houses... just so that we can eat in peace... and not be embarrassed... If we do go out to eat... It goes like this, - "What no bread basket, that just ridiculous, can't they give you some bread"... They will not order a appetizer, and normally DH and I order a appetizer to share, and he is like wow that looks great, it should for 14.00 bucks or whatever... which DH and I final have gotten to were we just say yep soooo good, you should have gotten one, and we use to offer them some, not anymore...

They complain about the cost of literally everything... and telling you what your spending, or make a comment like that beer is 8 or 10 dollars...wow, your going to spend 50.00 bucks on a steak...

So normally we stick to thing that are all inclusive, like resorts in the Caribbean, or Cruises - when we travel with them... its just easier... this way everyone can pick their own room price point and you don't have to worry about meals, and such... He pitched a fit when we got back on the ship in Nassau, and they would not let him take the booze he bought back to the room... DH and I said we will see you guys at dinner, and left them there arguing with the security guys.. they did not come to dinner that night they ate the buffet...and would not hang out with us, because we were paying ridiculous price for drinks...

Don't even mention the cost of airfare... If we have to fly somewhere, we never fly together everyone has there favorite airline, points and all.. as they like the budget airline, and will take 12 hours to get somewhere to save like 40 or 50 dollars... Last time a big group of us went to Vegas( way before covid), they wanted someone to wait at the airport for 4 hours so that they could split a uber, to which everyone was like no...

Same Vegas trip... We all stayed at Mirage this trip, and they wanted to share a room with someone... which of course no couple wants to share a room with another couple... for goodness sake its vegas... so they decided to stay at Treasure Island.. which is fine, yet they complained that they had to walk over to meet us, they would not pay for the show we all decided on before the trip, they waited to get discount tickets and the show was sold out, then got kinda upset that we all went without them... they only wanted to eat in the food court, which is fine just not every meal...we wanted to check some of the great restaurants, We went to eat at a middle of the road restaurant some Irish pub place for late lunch, and he was like I'm not paying 20 bucks for a Ruben sandwich, the server was like it is really a large sandwich and you could share it if you like, so they sat there and shared a beer, while we all ate, then wanted us to sit in the food court while they split a hot dog meal... which of course no-one did, we all headed for the gaming floor... They wanted to go to bed at like 10:00 pm, and be up at like 5:00 to hit the gym, which is fine for them... the rest of us just do whatever and meet up whenever... thus separate rooms...

I understand that it's their money and spend it or not spend it how they want to... The problem is lately them over stepping has really gotten out of control...

So what I mean by the above... most of our group has like some type of big box warehouse membership, BJ's, Sam's or Costo - and she will call up someone up and say hey are you going to Sam's or where-ever, then ask if you can swing by and pick her up and let her use your card... This has been going on for a long time it's just getting worse and worse, its like they expect it... last week I went to BJ's and she called me and said, why didn't you tell me you were going to BJ's, I guess some how she found out and said you could have picked me up and I could have went with you... and I was not feeling very good that day she called, I was dealing with a sinus headache that day, and really wasn't in the mood to play nice... and I said, I did not realize that I needed to call you to ask for your permission to use my card that I pay for at BJ's, and be your taxi service while I was at it... Why don't you just get your own dang card... then I said I have to go, I think I'm going to throw up... and I hung up the phone... LOL...

The other two things is that they never offer to drive at all any more, its like everyone is expect just to pick them up if we are all going to the airport, they will not drive their car, and pay for parking, they want to ride with you, and never offer to pay half the parking, they went on a trip with some friends not long ago, and he was like hey since I drove way over to your house to pick you guys up, you can pick up the parking tab, they were like you were going to park here with or without us, why should we pay for you to park your car... Needless to say, our friends told them to use Uber to get home... Second they never want to host at their house and if they do basically they have everyone bring enough food and they end up just eating what we bring...I will say that they do offer and will clean up when they are at your house, which is nice... Last weekend we decided to stay home, and skip a BBQ that we were invited to... they were suppose to bring enough of some sort of salad for like 15 to 20 people, as well as whatever they wanted to drink adult beverages wise... they took a medium container of Publix macaroni salad, not even the large container ... and that was it, and helped themselves to whatever everyone else brought with the adult beverages... My friend was so mad and She is a firecracker, and she said something to him about it, his response was that there was plenty of food for everyone, and would she mind if they took a plate home, to which she answer No, I'm not okay with that...

So would you say anything to them, or just over look it...

Different strokes. They're serious budgeters and you're not. Don't travel with them anymore, and only eat out with them at cheaper, casual places. A friendship is still a friendship without sharing travel and fine dining. Enjoy the simpler things together, instead.