Dealing with family inviting themselves

[DisneyBliss7]

How do you deal with people(family) that invites themselves on your trip when you don't want anyone coming along?

We are going again May 2015...We went in May 2006 with my in-laws and SIL...then again in April 2010 with the same in-laws...and then we went on our first trip this past October as just the 7 of us and it was wonderful! No stress, no fighting, nobody controlling what we do But they kept making comments about going with us the whole time we were planning our trip(very annoying). Anyways DH and I both have talked about it and don't plan on going with them again. We went twice with them and feel that is good enough. On xmas we were talking about Disney and they said they are inviting themselves no matter what we say on our next trip?!?! I was so caught off guard I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I feel like we are allowed to go with just our kids and we have already gone with them twice. My kids aren't even that close to them and neither is my DH. My MIL can be very controlling and hard to be around, she will step on our toes as parents and that just angers me so much

 

[livndisney]

How do you deal with people(family) that invites themselves on your trip when you don't want anyone coming along?

We are going again May 2015...We went in May 2006 with my in-laws and SIL...then again in April 2010 with the same in-laws...and then we went on our first trip this past October as just the 7 of us and it was wonderful! No stress, no fighting, nobody controlling what we do But they kept making comments about going with us the whole time we were planning our trip(very annoying). Anyways DH and I both have talked about it and don't plan on going with them again. We went twice with them and feel that is good enough. On xmas we were talking about Disney and they said they are inviting themselves no matter what we say on our next trip?!?! I was so caught off guard I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I feel like we are allowed to go with just our kids and we have already gone with them twice. My kids aren't even that close to them and neither is my DH. My MIL can be very controlling and hard to be around, she will step on our toes as parents and that just angers me so much:furious:

Tell them/her no. If you feel you must-explain this trip is for you and the kids if she would like to join you for a local day trip to the zoo, movies whatever she is welcome.

Do not discuss Disney trip planning with her or in front of her.

 

[brockash]

How do you deal with people(family) that invites themselves on your trip when you don't want anyone coming along?

We are going again May 2015...We went in May 2006 with my in-laws and SIL...then again in April 2010 with the same in-laws...and then we went on our first trip this past October as just the 7 of us and it was wonderful! No stress, no fighting, nobody controlling what we do But they kept making comments about going with us the whole time we were planning our trip(very annoying). Anyways DH and I both have talked about it and don't plan on going with them again. We went twice with them and feel that is good enough. On xmas we were talking about Disney and they said they are inviting themselves no matter what we say on our next trip?!?! I was so caught off guard I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I feel like we are allowed to go with just our kids and we have already gone with them twice. My kids aren't even that close to them and neither is my DH. My MIL can be very controlling and hard to be around, she will step on our toes as parents and that just angers me so much

Why would you talk about it in front of them? I think by far, that's the first step you need to take. You need to drop it completely and not mention it again in front of any of them, if you really don't want them to come. If they start asking about it, just give them very vague answers and act as though you don't have anything set in stone yet...at least until it gets closer. If they keep harassing you about it, then I would just let them know politely that you guys are planning to just go by yourselves and have family time together. Obviously, you can't physically stop them from going to Disney, but you can make it very clear that even if they do go, and go during the same time as you, your family does not plan on spending time with them while you're there. Above all else though, be quiet about it in front of them...it's like rubbing it in their face and just asking for problems.

 

[powellrj]

I don't understand why if you aren't going until May 2015, you would even bring it up to anyone other than your DH. That is a long way off and many thing can happen between now and then. I wouldn't say any thing to anyone about your trip and then there isn't a problem.

 

[DisneyBliss7]

I must have typed it wrong...We never talked about it in front of them..They don't know we are planning our next trip for May 2015. They talk about it on their own. On xmas they asked us for more pictures from our trip followed by their comments about going with us whether their invited or not. They were mad we didn't invite them this past trip. We never talked about it front of them, they would always ask us questions. They are the type to show up at our resort, knowing we stay in a villa with our family size and still having room for 2 more people. Our room fits 9 and there are 7 of us.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

We did two trips to WDW with my sister, my mother and my mother in law. We invited them all both times. The first trip went well but the second...not so much. Different opinions, agendas, etc. We have a trip planned for next year and will not invite anyone to join us. My husband mentioned a while back during the planning phase something like his mother wants to go or he invited his Mom. I just plain out told him I think it's best it's just us three. I don't know if he ever talked about it with his Mom again but I haven't heard anything more about it. My mother in law also told my husband two years ago that she thought she would be asked to go to Aulani with us. I never expected that because she was planning a trip to Hawaii with her friends which she eventually went on. I was taken back. It sounds like your in laws have very strong personalities and sometimes you just have to be blunt, put your foot down with a firm NO. Don't say anything in front of them. I wouldn't even talk to your children about it much in fear that they may say accidentally say something to them. Would they really be so bold to show up at the resort? If so, give it right back at them.

 

[Legendteri]

I wouldn't give any details about your trip. Don't mention it at all anymore. If they ask, give vague answers like " We don't know."

If they keep pressing the issue, have your H ( yes your husband because I think it would mean more if it came from him) that this is going to be a vacation for just the 7 of you. Let him know under no circumstances is he to give any details. No dates, no hotel names, nothing.

I also have to say that your MIL is probably controlling because it gets her what she wants and no one says " Boo " to her. Let her know her ways won't work on you.

 

[EMom]

Don't say a word to them or any other family. Plan the trip and go. I've been in your shoes. They can't some along if they don't know you are going.

If the kids let it slip, tell the ILs the wrong villa and the wrong week. If they show up and you're not there, so what? That's what they get for crashing.

 

[bumbershoot]

Just don't talk about it.

If they find out the dates and make reservations for that time, don't change anything. Make your ADRs for your family and go to them. If they can't get in, I hope they made their own arrangements. If you want to go on Splash and they want Haunted Mansion, let that happen, just go on your way.

My kids aren't even that close to them and neither is my DH. My MIL can be very controlling and hard to be around, she will step on our toes as parents and that just angers me so much

Assuming it angers your husband, too, and you guys can talk about it...just make sure the kids know who is in charge of them. My son is a sweet kid who rarely does anything wrong in someone else's house (in our house, different story, LOL), but he knows that he follows MY rules when there. Usually my rules are totally respectful of the owners of the house we're in, but let's say he has been chatting for an hour and wants a few minutes to play a game on his handheld device that we let him bring, and someone tells him not to...he knows to ask US and not just blindly follow that person. (not a real example, just something I thought of right now) Goes the other way too. If the kids in a house are allowed to jump on the couch, he doesn't blindly follow that, either. He knows to follow the rules WE set for him. (and since we're still PTSD from the two ER visits he had 6 years ago, just a couple months apart from one another, he knows that jumping on a couch isn't allowed) He knows who is in charge of him, and he will come find us to talk about a rule or something being allowed when he knows it doesn't go along with what we said for that visit or say in general.

I highly recommend going that route. We knew MIL wouldn't have a bit of say over DS when he was an infant and we saw her flat out HIT one of the girl cousins who was behaving wonderfully but did some tiny thing wrong. Knew he wouldn't be alone with her until he could talk to us about what went on during the visit, and DH made sure she knew that she was not allowed to lay that sort of hand on him. It's worked out best to just never let her be alone with him. (and now that's totally fine on both sides because he witnessed her having a stroke, and he simply refuses to be alone with her in case that happens again, and she doesn't want him to be alone with her if it happens either, so it works out.)

 

[DisneyBliss7]

Didn't even think about the kids saying something about our trip..Thankfully I have planned this next trip as a surprise for them Not b/c of my inlaws, I've just always wanted to surprise them with a Disney trip. BUT if I hadn't already planned it as a secret for my kids, I would be now to avoid the issue with my in-laws.

 

[lnuss1988]

My grandmother invited herself on our one trip to WDW.

She RUINED the vacation. Nobody wanted to be around her, she was miserable, nasty, rude, wanted to what she wanted. AND she expected one of us to push her around in a wheel chair all day, which she didn't need.

When my DMother and DAunt started planning our next trip, they never brought it up around my Gram. She found out we were going like a month before and she was mad at all of us, but she got over it.

She ended up inviting herself, AGAIN, when we went in December, at that time I was 15 and my cousins came along. Us kids were always off by ourselves, so we didn't have to deal with her, but when we would talk to my DMother and DAunt, she hadn't changed.

I guess what I'm trying to say, DON'T tell anyone besides your DH what your plans are and make sure he knows the drill!

 

[Pesky]

"I'm sorry but we have promised the kids a family vacation with just immediate family -- DH, me and the kids. We will talk with you to arrange another time to visit but this vacation will not be that time. I appreciate your understanding of our family decision." Communicates you are ALL on the same page. Then stand firm and just don't talk about any of your planning with them. I would likely figure out another time to see them so you can use distraction to aid your cause.

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

Don't tell them or the kids. This is what we had to do to get a DCL Dream trip in with just us. My parents do the same thing when it comes to WDW or DCL.

We said we decided last minute to go away, then surprised everyone by saying we were going on the cruise.

My parents were both alittle ticked off and hurt. We felt that it was the only way to get it to ourselves.

Having done trips both ways, we always have a more relaxed trip when its just us.

 

[ktlm]

We had the in-laws sort of invite themselves on a trip and we had a great time. We initially had trouble traveling with the inlaws in general. We are doers and they are sitters. DH and I spent a couple of miserable days with the in-laws and BIL/SIL in Vegas trying to slow down to their pace- which involves a lot of sitting in hotel rooms. After that, we reached an understanding that we would travel with MIL/FIL, but we were going to do our own thing and they could either come with us, or do their own thing and we would meet up with them here and there for meals etc. Now, we love traveling with them. There is no stress because everyone understands that they are free to do what they want when they want and it doesn't have to be "togetherness all the time" on trips.

For WDW, we made it very clear to them prior to the trip that we were going to do what we wanted to do on our schedule and eat at the restaurants we liked and whenever they wanted to join us, they could and I would include them in any ADRs that they thought they might want to join us, but we weren't changing our plans, and that they could feel free to go off and do their own thing if they wanted. I asked them if there was anyplace in particular they really wanted to eat and told them that if we could find a space for it we would, but luckily they really didn't care and liked our choices. We really enjoyed having them at WDW with us. They actually stuck with us about 90% of the time. However, when they started talking about coming with us on our next trip, we politely told them that while we had loved having them along, we really felt like we needed some core family time with just us because of everyone's busy schedules and not having much family time at home. We told them we wanted to go with just us this time, but that in the future sometime we would love to take another trip with them- just not this trip.

As others have stated, I suggest since they say they are inviting themselves "no matter what you say", that you say nothing! Just book everything and don't tell them you are going until it is very close to your trip and too late for them to join you. If they still start saying they are coming, then I would have the discussion with them that you really need some core family time for this trip to focus on your immediate family. If they still insist on coming, there really isn't anything you can do to stop them from booking a trip, but just tell them you already have your ADRs, and unless they can be re-booked with them included you aren't changing them. There will also of course be the FP+ issue if they book less than 60 days out- I'd just give them a list and say "here are our FP+ times- if you can get times to match and want to come great, but if not we are keeping our times").

 

[bigbabyblues]

"Nope, sorry. Our vacations are for the four of us only." Works for us, they don't even ask anymore. We also decline when the ILs invite us to go with them. We just don't want to travel with anyone else ever. DH feels the same way, which makes it easy. I word it nicer than he would, though, his words were "we will let them go when h@ll freezes over".

As far as them asking later why you didn't invite them? Same thing. We want our vacation time to be for us. Period. We don't usually tell them about a vacation until a few days before we leave.

Don't talk about any plans, and if they ask, tell the truth.

Let it be said that I have great ILs, we get along well and have no other issues. We just won't travel with them for reasons they are well aware of. We wouldn't travel with my family either, but they don't travel, so it isn't an issue.

 

[crisi]

Two choices:

You go, you don't tell them when until you send them a note that says "oh, I think I forgot, we are out of town on vacation next week." Its non-confrontational, will result in hurt feelings, but not a long drawn out pre-vacation battle and an almost zero chance of them just "booking a trip at the same time."

You talk to them about it. Its much more confrontational and honest, and has the downside of some people choosing to take the whole "we will just book vacation at the same time you do - at the same resort - and then you won't have an excuse to not see us. We'll make dinner reservations for everyone too" attack.

You know your family. Mine wouldn't do this, so I wouldn't have to pick, but instictively, I'd go for the first (my relatives and my husbands relatives aren't intwined into our day to day lives anyway - I don't know if they know anything about our next vacations - I do send them the "we are out of town in case you stop in" note before we leave.

 

[sk!mom]

First off, I wouldn't be talking about a trip that's over a year in the future. Further, I would avoid all vacation discussions with them. Then I would just start planning my trip. Two of our trips, virtually no one knew we were going until we were gone. We just didn't discuss our plans. We weren't trying to hide it from anyone as we have enjoyed two group trips and are planning a third.

We just don't typically discuss our travel plans so to me it would be easy to keep private.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

Tell them that this is your immediate family trip and you are not planning on sharing this trip with extended family.

If they do not listen, then reschedule and do not tell them for when. It's more than a year out. You can come up with a time to go that you do not tell them about. And don't talk about it in front of your mother in law.

if they are the type who will go anyway and just show up at your villa and expect you to take them in, then all you can do is keep the details from them so they don't know when or where to show up. If they show up, youi're going to have to let them stay with you I think, but of course you didn't include them in any of your FP or dining plans...

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Can you spread out enough in the villa to occupy all the space before they show up? Or, maybe have the owners remove a bed or two?