DD11 not doing chores, WWYD?

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with some of these latest posters.

Executive Function skills are not always there at this age. (Especially with BOYS!) It is a common error to expect more of them without enough backup and guidance.

She is 11.

She sounds like a good kid who has a lot on her plate with school and then sports and homework and 'family' time obligations.

And remember, for many kids some 'zone out - down time' is essential, and should also be a part of her day, even if TV is taken away.

 

[sparklynails23]

Wow, that kid is over-scheduled. Can you imagine going to work everyday, going to the gym for a couple of hours after work, then coming home and doing more work (homework) and cleaning the house? I'm exhausted just typing it. Just give her a few chores on Saturday and Sunday, and do the dishes yourself. As for the dog, that depends on who's dog it is. If it's hers, she should walk it and clean up after it. If you got it as a pet for you, it's your responsibility.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

My oldest was 11 when I had my youngest. We had a four year old in between. So age wise..not much different that your situation. Sometimes as a parent, you come to expect too much out of the older child. Forgeting..they are still a child. I say this, because I've done it myself...and I can clearly see it in your post.
How many thing does an 11 year old have to do, that you need to post a list on the fridge and bedroom door?
You are over scheduled and over planned..and with the new baby coming..all that's going to go out the window anyway. I hope you aren't expecting your eleven year old to pick up the slack...because that's what it sounds like.
She's eleven ... not an adult.

As for a list...these are the things that she is supposed to do:
pick up dog poop...you can't miss it...it's winter and snow is white, poop isn't; put away her washed and folded laundry that has been piled on her dresser (DH and I wash it, I fold it), wash dishes or put away washed dishes, pick up stuff in her room such as clothes she leaves on the floor. It's not a lot and all is not expected at once. It's just the small list of ongoing things that need to get done as needed.

You can ask her to do something and an hour later she hasn't done it because she "forgot" so I am not sure a list will even work. It's the same conversation over and over and DH and I are at a loss.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Kids brains are not baked at 11. Heck, not til the 20's for some!

You are expecting her to be as responsible as an adult, she is not

Since she forgets, have a conversation (not a punishment talk) about how she can rememebr her chores.

Calendars, lists, something she has to check off, sounds like what she needs. And unless you give a time limit to when something has to be done, why on earth do it now when you can do it later? (that's my motto)

Give her a break, don't cut her soccer, and help her to develop a system that works for HER!

 

[christineann]

I would not take sports away. Team sports can help with time management, self discipline, self confidence and peer relationships and obviously, exercise. My daughter has always been painfully shy, and participating in a sport was very good for her in the ways described above.

I can see that you are very busy, but I think that maybe walking the dog with her or doing another chore together (just the two of you), even briefly, every now and then might be good. I raised two kids by myself from the time they were 6 and 9, and we found that one on one time, even if it was brief or while doing a chore, was good for each and all of us. I still can't figure out how we fit those times in, but at 22 and 25, my kids remember those times as good ones.

 

[golfgal]

She's got a 3 y/o sister and another due any day now.

She signs up for everything at school but we tell her soccer is the priority if there is a schedule conflict. The school activities are right after school. I don't expect her to do a ton of chores if she isn't around to do them. When she doesn't have the activities then she is supposed to be doing homework first, then whatever needs to be done. That includes taking the dog around the block for a walk, picking up dog poop, dishes, putting her clean laundry away. It's priortizing and time management.

In our free time we do things as a family. Example, Friday night us girls are going to Disney on Ice, Saturday my Dad and Stepmom are coming over to help get some work done around the house, and Sunday is family games night at my in laws. There's a soccer playoff game and her high performance training camp in there too. There is a soccer family get together as well but we aren't going because we make plans with family already.

The only issue we have with DD11 is the chores and the "I forgot".

I just got off the phone with DH again. We have nothing else to take away other than sports and television.

I am going to make a list and put one on her bedroom door as well as on the fridge and we are going to have another talk tomorrow about this.

In a way this is really sad if you think about it.

Anyway, having gone through this stage with our kids you do have to make sure you have her full attention-make her repeat what you just asked her to do. If you ask her while she is watching tv or on the computer she probably didn't hear what you said. You also need to be clear when you ask her to "pick up the dog poop" and add the word "now" or "before I get back from the store". To a lot of kids "pick up the dog poop" means pick it up sometime before you get married and leave the house .

 

[NikiM20]

I have to be VERY specific with DD and only give 1 chore at a time.

Get your folded laundry off the dresser and put it where it belongs.

Then after 5 mins I ask, did you _______________?

I also make sure I have eye contact with her when I tell her to do something.

Please remember, what is obvious to adults, is not at all obvious to preteens.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have two 12 yr olds.

I've found the most effective punishment, especially for DS, is writing assignments. He'll do them, but he doesn't enjoy them - at all.

Two weeks ago he "forgot" to take out the recycling in the evening as he was asked to do. DH returned home from work at 1am and took it out himself - during which time both he and the dog got sprayed by a skunk. DH was NOT HAPPY! DS lost "all electronics" for a week.

The following day he was out in the afternoon playing basketball (which I want him to do) but he was over an hour late coming home. This time I was not happy. His excuse was that he "forgot"; I felt he "chose to not remember". Big difference.

I "assigned" him one paragraph for every 15 minutes he was late, with w/ 5 sentences per paragraph, to be completed before bedtime that night (and I added another paragraph when he went to complain to his grandmother. ) Topic was Trust and Why It's Important To Keep Your Word. Little bugger did a good job, and it gave us yet another opportunity to discuss it more.

I won't say he's completely cured but he does seem to be making a better effort lately.

If it's any consolation, besides other parents here, just about everyone I know with kids this age has the same types of complaints.

 

[auntie]

As for a list...these are the things that she is supposed to do:
pick up dog poop...you can't miss it...it's winter and snow is white, poop isn't; put away her washed and folded laundry that has been piled on her dresser (DH and I wash it, I fold it), wash dishes or put away washed dishes, pick up stuff in her room such as clothes she leaves on the floor. It's not a lot and all is not expected at once. It's just the small list of ongoing things that need to get done as needed.

You can ask her to do something and an hour later she hasn't done it because she "forgot" so I am not sure a list will even work. It's the same conversation over and over and DH and I are at a loss.

How about incorporating the chores as helping YOU out with them. This way you can chat with her, while getting things done. Couldn't you wash the dishes together?...Or take a walk with her while you both walk the dog. I mean she is the only sibling with chores. How many chores can a three year old be doing..and soon there will be another addition, and I have a feeling there will be more chores.

I gotta tell ya..sounds like she gets the nasty stuff to do. Walk the dog..clean the dog poop,(I'd forget about that too ) wash the dishes, put them away, clean her room, put the laundry away. (which by the way, you're going to have to ask her to pick her clothes up off the floor until they day she moves out You can drive yourself crazy over it..or you can choose your battles and close the door. When she wants to wear something that isn't clean, she'll pick her clothes up and get them in the laundry.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

DD11 BEGGED for a dog for ages. She was always told that we couldn't get a dog as one of our cats was old and blind and it would be too much. The cat died two years ago and we got a dog 1.5 years ago. DD isn't the only person that picks up poop. If you have to walk by it on the way into the house then you can't help but notice it needs to be done.
I do a ton of dishes and put them away too but I can't do everything around here.
The room needs to be tidied as sometimes it gets pretty gross in there. It took us a while to get her to empty out her soccer bag which smells like hockey bag and put her socks and shin pads in the basement. Prior to that her stuff was in various areas of her room stinking the place up.
Yeah it does suck she gets all this fun stuff because she is physically capable of doing it but she does get good stuff that the younger kids won't be getting for a while.

 

[golfgal]

DD11 BEGGED for a dog for ages. She was always told that we couldn't get a dog as one of our cats was old and blind and it would be too much. The cat died two years ago and we got a dog 1.5 years ago. DD isn't the only person that picks up poop. If you have to walk by it on the way into the house then you can't help but notice it needs to be done.
I do a ton of dishes and put them away too but I can't do everything around here.
The room needs to be tidied as sometimes it gets pretty gross in there. It took us a while to get her to empty out her soccer bag which smells like hockey bag and put her socks and shin pads in the basement. Prior to that her stuff was in various areas of her room stinking the place up.
Yeah it does suck she gets all this fun stuff because she is physically capable of doing it but she does get good stuff that the younger kids won't be getting for a while.

It sounds like you need to help her create better habits. Instead of bringing her stinky bag to her room, the contents get taken to the laundry room and sorted appropriately as soon as she gets home and the bag gets turned inside out and hung in the garage before she does anything else. I still go back to the fact that this kid has NO downtime as the reason why she is so forgetful. Something has to give and if you are not willing to pull her out of one of her 3 sports then you can't expect her to do much around the house. She can't do it all either.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Nothin wrong with Poop Patrol.

 

[auntie]

DD11 BEGGED for a dog for ages. She was always told that we couldn't get a dog as one of our cats was old and blind and it would be too much. The cat died two years ago and we got a dog 1.5 years ago. DD isn't the only person that picks up poop. If you have to walk by it on the way into the house then you can't help but notice it needs to be done.
I do a ton of dishes and put them away too but I can't do everything around here.
The room needs to be tidied as sometimes it gets pretty gross in there. It took us a while to get her to empty out her soccer bag which smells like hockey bag and put her socks and shin pads in the basement. Prior to that her stuff was in various areas of her room stinking the place up.
Yeah it does suck she gets all this fun stuff because she is physically capable of doing it but she does get good stuff that the younger kids won't be getting for a while.

Sorry, but the dog is on you and your husband. I don't care how much a child begs for a pet. You know going in that the responsibility of the pet falls to the parents. A child of what..9 and a half..she could not be expected to take on that responsibility no matter how much she begged. If you gave in, then should have expected that eventually the responsibility would fall to the adults in the household. God knows..my dog's bladder would have burst and he would have starved if I left it to the kids to take care of him...much as they love him.
She's the the only sibling who can physically help you out. Only...she didn't ask for things to be that way. Again..I've been there..have an 11 year age difference between my oldest and youngest, and believe me, I regret having placed so much responsibility on my then 11 year old. I see alot of myself in your posts. It forced him to grow up quicker than he needed to. He was actually big for his age..and I think that made me expect even more from him than I should have. Again..we learn from our mistakes, and we all lived through it..but I do regret having been too rigid with him when I didn't have to be. By the time the younger two were his age, I had a much different outlook on things. (lucky them!)
Try to keep things in perspective. She's not giving a second thought to the dog crap on the walk way. She'll step over it and not think anything of it. It's not a slight directed at you. It's being 11. She's thinking she worked all day in school..went to after school sports. Now she's got to walk the dog, clean the poop, put away the dishes, do her homework and clean her room. It may not seem like much, but she quite literally doesn't have the brain of an adult even if she has the physical capabilities of one. Her brain is very much still forming. (God..I've got an 18 year old and I've got to keep reminding myself of that! )
She's not seeing all her chores as a reward for her being physically capable and older. She's seeing that helping mom take care of chores because mom has younger kids is a real PITA.

It sounds like you need to help her create better habits. Instead of bringing her stinky bag to her room, the contents get taken to the laundry room and sorted appropriately as soon as she gets home and the bag gets turned inside out and hung in the garage before she does anything else. I still go back to the fact that this kid has NO downtime as the reason why she is so forgetful. Something has to give and if you are not willing to pull her out of one of her 3 sports then you can't expect her to do much around the house. She can't do it all either.

Sounds like a good idea. Once the bag is in her room..it's not coming out any time soon. If it goes to the laundry..then everyone is happy and she's not having to clean anything out.


_____________

 

[luvmyfam444]

Make a check list. Until everything on the list is checked off, she can't go to bed. Spending a night or two with a flashlight and a plastic bag hunting for dog poop should fix her wagon.

LOVE IT! BRILLIANT! Do you have more where that came from?

 

[ToddyLu]

First I will start off and state that DH and I do not have children. But I do remember being a bright healthy 11 year old with the body of a 16 year old and the brain of an 11 year old. I suspect that it may also be hormones. They were raging when I was that age. I can remember not being able to remember important things...then being upset that I made Mom and Dad upset. I also remember coming home from school in early high school and practically falling asleep at the front door on the floor in front of the TV until Daddy came in from work. I remember how tired I was. I watched my brother do the exact same thing at that age. I started my period at age 11...lordy I am 41 and still remember the chaos of those days. I think a list is a good idea. The dog needs to be walked, poop taking care off, help with dishes....but dang it sounds like she does A LOT of sports. But I am definitely not knocking that...if she is active at that age let it continue. You have mentioned the word lazy several times and I wonder what your expectation is.

I know not having children means I cannot relate first hand to your frustration but I can relate to hers. Watch out for the hormones...that will screw you up and make you seem like an idiot every time....you can't defend yourself and they stay with you for the long haul. Best of luck to you and your family. SHe sounds like a wonderful, happy precious girl.. You and your DH are very lucky.

 

[auntie]

First I will start off and state that DH and I do not have children. But I do remember being a bright healthy 11 year old with the body of a 16 year old and the brain of an 11 year old. I suspect that it may also be hormones. They were raging when I was that age. I can remember not being able to remember important things...then being upset that I made Mom and Dad upset. I also remember coming home from school in early high school and practically falling asleep at the front door on the floor in front of the TV until Daddy came in from work. I remember how tired I was. I watched my brother do the exact same thing at that age. I started my period at age 11...lordy I am 41 and still remember the chaos of those days. I think a list is a good idea. The dog needs to be walked, poop taking care off, help with dishes....but dang it sounds like she does A LOT of sports. But I am definitely not knocking that...if she is active at that age let it continue. You have mentioned the word lazy several times and I wonder what your expectation is.

I know not having children means I cannot relate first hand to your frustration but I can relate to hers. Watch out for the hormones...that will screw you up and make you seem like an idiot every time....you can't defend yourself and they stay with you for the long haul. Best of luck to you and your family. SHe sounds like a wonderful, happy precious girl.. You and your DH are very lucky.

I think you related in a most significant way...very insightful perspective.

 

[busyshrew]

Sorry, but the dog is on you and your husband. I don't care how much a child begs for a pet. You know going in that the responsibility of the pet falls to the parents. A child of what..9 and a half..she could not be expected to take on that responsibility no matter how much she begged. If you gave in, then should have expected that eventually the responsibility would fall to the adults in the household. God knows..my dog's bladder would have burst and he would have starved if I left it to the kids to take care of him...much as they love him.
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I completely agree with this PP. There is no way you can reasonably expect an 11 year old to take on the responsibility of a dog. Once that brief little honeymoon period is over, the family pet is on you. If you seriously want the poop scooped, then make it simple: pay your 11 year old for every scoop of poop she bags up and brings home.

To me, it's almost like saying to an older child, "You begged us for a baby brother/sister dear, so now you're responsible for changing poopy diapers!".

 

[Jennasis]

LOVE IT! BRILLIANT! Do you have more where that came from?

No...I've blocked out a lot of my traumatic childhood.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

She doesn't have the sole responsibility of the dog. She does nothing with the cat but she didn't beg for him...LOL
When she wanted the dog the deal was that she would help out. We all pick up poop and do all the other things. My point is that we all live here and have to help out.

DH and I have decided to make her earn TV back. She is also not going to be allowed to sign up for school sports unless she comes home and discusses it with us first. If there has been an improvement then she will be able to do the activity.

As for her soccer stuff. It took us about six months to get that issue dealt with. She never could remember where here stuff was and as we were walking out the door she would remember she had thrown her jersey in the laundry. Now the deal is that she has to tell us if she threw any of it in the laundry. No more last minute panic because she doesn't have what she needs. The soccer bag goes downstairs and the shin pads etc. come out. We have a detached garage so leaving it out there in the middle of winter would mean popsicles.

The list of chores is not something she has to do everyday. It's the list of things that she has to do when it is called for. i.e. if there is a pile of laundered clothes on your dresser you put them away. If not, DH is going to bag them up and she can earn them back. It takes five minutes to put the clothes away. I don't put DH's clothes away either. I pile it on our dresser and he puts his stuff away when he comes home.

It's not a lot of stuff to do. Nobody is asking her to cook, clean toilets, do laundry or be the maid. A lot of it is common sense. Oh there is clean dishes, I will put them away. It takes five minutes.
She is not expected to be the babysitter of her sister. We have never done that.
I know some people say to close the door to her room and ignore the mess but it impacts DH and I. Dust collects and stuff is all over the place and she can't find anything and then it's a big deal. Plus if the dog gets in there then she goes after the socks and dirty undies that were left on the floor.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There is no way you can reasonably expect an 11 year old to take on the responsibility of a dog. Once that brief little honeymoon period is over, the family pet is on you.

I didn't see where the OP asked this of her DD. She asked her to walk her and pick up some poop in the yard (which she herself helps with), which is, IMO, a perfectly reasonable request of an 11yo who begged for a dog (as long as there's proper tools and handwashing afterward ).

If you seriously want the poop scooped, then make it simple: pay your 11 year old for every scoop of poop she bags up and brings home.

I agree this might increase compliance. But personally I would not pay my kids for a chore they were expected to do as part of their responsibility to the household.