DD11 not doing chores, WWYD?

[mamacatnv]

I have an 11 yr. old so I know of the jello brain in which you speak. I also have a 20 year old, just for the record the jello does not harden any time soon

My one thought through this whole thread is that while your DD says she wants to play soccer and curling and b-ball, I get the impression that Mom REALLY wants her to play soccer and that the thought of letting it go for awhile is absolutely not an option for MOM. Maybe MOM really needs to evaluate her reasoning behind all the sports and evaluate why it is so important she be on this particular team.

My DS was/is the athlete and we never allowed more than 1 sport at a time. We played sports with him year round, but always the local community leagues, never "travel" or elite competitive leagues and always only 1 at a time. He had lots of offers, was recruited for everything and we said no. He was okay with being a kid and not a pro athlete at 11 years of age.
He went to highschool and played football all 4 years. Now he is in college at a DI Univ. He was offered football at a DII and III but decided he wanted a DI Univ level education and didn't want further knee injuries. He actively participates in intra-mural leagues etc.

Taking TV or anything away for a month gives you nothing to negotiate with in the interim. You need to learn your childs currency. My DD loves her iPod and iTunes, we have found a currency we can negotiate with. She also loves to read when she goes to bed, we take away reading time when she doesn't do what she is supposed to but she still goes to bed at the same time.

My DD deals with anxiety and organized competetive sports are out. She thinks she wants to but then melts down. Took us a long time to figure out (with the help of a therapist) just exactly what was going on. DD is on the swim club at school (non competitive) and is a member of the yearbook team. We have discovered that she excels at academic competitions but can't handle athletic competitions. That was a major discovery for us.
We also learned she was not getting enough sleep. DD requires 10-11 hours of sleep per night and has a very strict bedtime schedule.

As for chores & responsibilities:
Homework, projects etc.
(she attends a high achieving Charter School with rigorous academics)

Scoops 5 cat boxes daily
Vacuums the guinea pig cage every other day, feeds/waters daily. I change out and wash all their bedding on the weekends.
Clears the dinner table, empties or loads the dishwasher (she and her Dad are in charge of after dinner dishes)
Makes her lunch 3 days a week - hot lunches it the other 2
Prepares her own breakfast, gets herself ready for school
Gets her clothes off the floor and into the laundry
Must shower every other night
Other misc as asked depending on what we are all doing

 

[KiKi Mouse]

If it's my hormones that are causing this then how do you explain DH? He is the one who wanted to pull the plug on soccer. I am the one who argued with him to keep it.

Yes, we do have expectations. Why shouldn't we? At what age do you think it is appropriate for a child to start picking up after themselves or helping out?

I work with a woman who does everything for her husband and boys. Her husband doesn't do laundry and hardly cooks. She works shift work like I do. Her husband will call every morning and she has to parent by phone to get the kids out of the house and tell hubby what the kids should be wearing etc. He doesn't make the kids lunches, she does the night before. She is away at the Olympics right now (I was supposed to be there too but I got pregnant) for 42 days. His mother is coming over to do the laundry and she shopped and pre-made a ton of meals. Mommy is also helping out with meal prep. Her husband is not happy he has to make lunches. Do I want useless kids like that who grow into useless adults? No.

I don't think our expectations are unreasonable and the list has five things on it. Not that hard. My list is huge if I were to make one.

As for putting away her stuff. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to notice the stuff she leaves laying around and put it away. It shouldn't be my job, it's not my stuff and I didn't put it there.


As for remembering on her own. I asked her to do SOME of the dishes while I went to daycare. In that small amount of time I was gone she decided to do stuff with strawberries. Why I don't know. She doesn't have an answer for it. So in the span of 30 minutes she "forgot" what I had said. She had forgot that we asked her the night before to take the dog for a quick walk.
These aren't conversations that happened a week ago.

 

[merryweather20]

Her circle of friends is the other soccer girls. Other than that there are a couple at school that don't play soccer that she hangs out with. Keep in mind she has a practice, 1-2 games, high performance training 2x...all in a week. She has been with this group of girls for a few years now and they are good bunch of kids.
Occasionally she will go to a movie with non soccer kids. It's harder here in the winter as they can't ride their bikes or play outside.

As for leaving her alone while I go to daycare. I wait until she is out of school, if she has a lot of stuff to bring home then she calls and I pick her up. Otherwise she walks home. She is allowed to be alone and she is even old enough to take the babysitting course. She isn't allowed to babysit until she is 12 which is in six months. She wanted to take the babysitting course last month and we told her NO. She doesn't have time to babysit people's kids and I don't think she realizes what is involved in that. Plus I would be very restrictive in who's house she could go to for that. I don't like the idea of her being somewhere in the evening. She is alone for the 30 min it takes me to get to the daycare and back. During that time she is to do homework if there is any if not then she can watch TV and do chores.

She was using the microwave to melt chocolate. She doesn't use the stove if nobody is home.

She likes soccer and she is always given the choice. We just signed her up for outdoor season and we asked her once again if that is what she wanted. That means two teams plus her high performance academy training.
She also likes her school activities and signs up for everything at school.

For the people who think we should just let her "be a kid". Do your kids not have to do chores at all? I don't think it is unreasonable to clean up after yourself or help contribute to the household cleaning. Again, her list is pretty short. Nobody is asking her to wash windows or make beds or do laundry etc.
I do expect her to notice that things need to be done though.
An example is the other day one of her rolls of pro wrap appeared on the table on the way to the second floor. It sat and sat for days. She walked by it numerous times never noticing that she had left it there. I finally took it up to her room. Do you think it is too much to ask her to put her own stuff away that she left out? I don't think so.

And I will not turn a blind eye to dirty clothes on the floor of her bedroom. I don't care if it is hers and she wants to live in dust bunnies. It's not healthy and it's not unreasonable to expect somebody to put their laundered clothes away. If she never put them away then the pile would grow and grow and it would be even more of a mess.

And no, I cannot do it all nor should I. At 11 she is capable of doing the small chores around the house here. We explained to her two weeks ago during another one of these conversations that if we have to do everything then it takes time away from other things that have to get done.
It takes 5 minutes to put clean dishes away. It only takes a couple of minutes to pick up dog poop. The dog is a miniature dacshund and due to the extreme cold temperatures she only goes outside to go to the bathroom. Yesterday was warmer -10C and we asked her to take the dog for a walk when she got home. It would have taken her 10 minutes as I told her just to go down the lane and around the front street. The dog can't handle too much else due to the snow and ice.

She isn't being defiant on purpose. She just always says "I forgot" and "I don't know". She has good marks at school so she can't be forgetting stuff there and I am sure she doesn't write 'I don't know' as an answer on tests.

Last month she came home wanting an Ipod Touch because so-n-so has one. We talked about it and said no because she is not responsible enough. She forgets stuff at school etc. We told her when she does what she is asked to do and can prove she can look after her stuff we would consider something like that. The other day she asked me for an iPhone. I showed her my cell phone which is a bare basics one. I asked her why she wanted an iPhone and she said because one of the other kids has one. I don't know who she would call since she is either home or with us for the most part. She is not at the age where she is going out with friends alone. When she has gone to a movie I have given her our phone in case something comes up.

Goodness, just ask her to put the tape in her room. Why on earth would you sit there and stew about it for a week?

First step:

Remember to put the tape away on your way up the stairs.

If that doesn't happen the next step is:

Do it now.

According to your posts she isn't even talking back or throwing a fit and refusing to do chores. I'm at a loss. If she didn't pick up the dogs yard, then just tell her to go do it now. Where is the issue? Dog poop can keep out in the cold for a couple of hours. I wouldn't even consider punishing her for that. As a parent occasionaly you have to have brief conversations with your kid. Its no big deal.

 

[abdmom]

OMG....she's ELEVEN! You expect this..you expect that. Choose your battles. Yes, you may win this one...but you are gonna loose the war down the road. Will it be worth it.? All for dog poop and laundry? ..Only you can answer that. There are more hormones flying around that house..and most of them are yours. Baby number three is on the way and you're feeling overwhelmed...and rightfully so. Only, IT"S NOT HER FAULT. She's doing what every eleven year old does. You just don't like that it isn't falling in line with what you want...when you want it. Welcome to parenthood..and it doesn't get any easier.

Be happy she's just forgeting about dog poop and laundry. Her grades are good, she participates in sports..she does her homework. Seriously, you expect her to anticipate ...and be enlightened enough to see what needs to be done? SHE"S BEING ELEVEN! While what is left on the stairs isn't going to walk itself up the stairs..so for goodness sake ASK her to take it up. Don't expect that she's gonna care..that it's there, and she should know it needs to be brought upstairs. Those expectations are unrealistic and your setting her up for yet another dissapointement.
I'm all for repsonsibilities..and the family sharing in them. Only don't expect your eleven year old to do YOUR job. If you want her to do something..ask and wait until she does it. If you need to give her a list..she's got too much to do. When you need a hand,.. ask her to lend one. Again..she's not sharing chores with other siblings..she's the only with chores. Big difference.

Some of the posts on this thread just make me shake my head.

OP, you mentioned that you are in law enforcement. This would explain why you are thinking in terms of "punishment". Perhaps you could try to think more like a teacher. What can you do to make your daughter successful? Will taking away all of her privileges, sending her to bed early (I know you didn't mention that but another poster did), teach her how to contribute to the household? or Will what you are expecting of her be so unrealistic as to produce a defiant teen? What is your long term goal?

 

[abdmom]

If it's my hormones that are causing this then how do you explain DH? He is the one who wanted to pull the plug on soccer. I am the one who argued with him to keep it.

Yes, we do have expectations. Why shouldn't we? At what age do you think it is appropriate for a child to start picking up after themselves or helping out?

I work with a woman who does everything for her husband and boys. Her husband doesn't do laundry and hardly cooks. She works shift work like I do. Her husband will call every morning and she has to parent by phone to get the kids out of the house and tell hubby what the kids should be wearing etc. He doesn't make the kids lunches, she does the night before. She is away at the Olympics right now (I was supposed to be there too but I got pregnant) for 42 days. His mother is coming over to do the laundry and she shopped and pre-made a ton of meals. Mommy is also helping out with meal prep. Her husband is not happy he has to make lunches. Do I want useless kids like that who grow into useless adults? No.

I don't think our expectations are unreasonable and the list has five things on it. Not that hard. My list is huge if I were to make one.

Welcome to motherhood.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I will say one more thing to try and get thru to the OP....

I am not saying your dd should not be doing chores and I am not saying she either should be in sports or not be in them.

I am saying that it should be clear to you that your methods are not working.

When something does not work you do not keep doing the same thing over and over.

It should be clear to you that you need a better system for your dd. And if you let tape sit on the floor just to stew about it, you need to learn more effective techniques when dealing with children.

That is a passive/aggressive approach and totally inappropriate for teaching a child the rules of the house.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

re: soccer
As I explained, if we were to pull her out then there is no way she could just pop back in come the fall for indoor season.
She is playing developmental and I have told her that there is an option for her to play rec league. That resulted in lots of tears.
At this level the other girls will surpass her in skill level and she will be eaten alive or not make teams etc. if she is to take the break. Soccer is a big thing for her and playing at this level is also a huge self esteem thing. I know she likes the feeling of being at the higher level and being in that group of girls. If we took soccer away then her fitness is taken away and where does that leave any of us?

As for leaving stuff on the table by the stairs. She has been told/asked "next time you go upstairs take ____ to your room". It sits. Even though I have said it 5 minutes prior. I don't leave it sitting there to test to see how many days it takes. She is asked, she "forgets". So yeah I guess the answer is to tell her to take it NOW instead of when she is on her next trip to the upstairs.

The dog poop isn't a thing of hours, it is a thing of days. If we didn't pick it up then it sits and freezes to the snow or gets covered in snow. We're not asking her to be out there on constant poop duty. DH and I do it too. We are asking her to share in some dog duties...that's it.

As for punishment, DH is more of a punisher. He is way more strict and him and I butt heads at times like we did last night over soccer. He doesn't work in LE or anything similar. He just has a different threshold than I do and was brought up very differently. I had no chores when I was a kid. Nothing. I didn't touch laundry or bed making or cleaning til I was on my own. My family didn't do me any favors. DH had sports and dance and language school and church and chores. He also had young siblings he had to look after which he didn't like. We chose not to do that to DD for that reason. When I was pregnant with the 3 y/o DD was in tears worried that she wouldn't be able to do her activities. We assured her that she was still a priority and her activities were important. DD#2 has been going to soccer since she was a week old and we have never missed anything. DD11 has a LOT of family support for soccer and other stuff and there is always somebody at her games other than us.

The TV is gone. Period. Only because there has to be some negative consequence.
The list is made (done this before, trying it again). On the bottom it says that if she does these things on a regular basis then she earns back TV and other things she likes such as a pedicure or going to her favorite restaurant. So there is positive reinforcement in there too but she has to earn it.

 

[mamacatnv]

re: soccer
As I explained, if we were to pull her out then there is no way she could just pop back in come the fall for indoor season.
She is playing developmental and I have told her that there is an option for her to play rec league. That resulted in lots of tears.
At this level the other girls will surpass her in skill level and she will be eaten alive or not make teams etc. if she is to take the break. Soccer is a big thing for her and playing at this level is also a huge self esteem thing. I know she likes the feeling of being at the higher level and being in that group of girls. If we took soccer away then her fitness is taken away and where does that leave any of us?

I don't understand that statement I see a really mixed message here.
Girls cry, kids can be dramatic, that is why they have parents to make decisions for them. Sometimes those are hard decisions to make, but the ultimate goal needs to be what is best for the child and what is best for the family as a whole.

Based on what you have said, if all this were going on in my house something would have to go. Whether it be the other sports, the soccer or the chores. There is too much going on IMO and the stress is showing.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't make excuses for my children or myself. If I ask my boys to do something and they forget, that is natural. I forget things, too. But if forgetfulness is a repeated behavior, that means that the child doesn't care (assuming no medical issues). That is what I would be addressing.

Make them care. Find a way to make it important to them...

 

[Julylady]

Hi Kiki Mouse
This has been an interesting thread! I have just a couple of observations that might help you.

1. Assign chores that are hers and hers alone and that need to be done on a regular schedule not "as needed" or when someone else doesn't do them. For example, for us it worked better to say "The trash needs to be taken on out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays before bed" instead of "Take the trash out when its full." Yes, I needed to take the trash out between times some weeks, and we also had lots of half full trash bags carried out, but it worked much better. Similarly....we put all folded clothes on a table and she needed to put them away before we left for church on Sunday morning. (That worked for us.)

2. Give them a little lee-way in when to do the job. Taking them away from something they are really into is really irritating to them. Try, before dinner, please empty the dishwasher. If it's not done before dinner, you won't be able to ........ Then follow through, "natural consequences"

3. Have you asked her what she thinks will help her remember? I know that different techniques work for different people, so it might be trial and error for a while.

And finally, I think that 90% of kids go through this same stage. They simply haven't developed the skills to organize and accomplish tasks. What is obvious to you as an adult (dog poop in the driveway, laundry ready to be taken to room), they honestly don't notice. In my family, all were messy as teens and as adults are super organized and have clean houses!

 

[Trish Bessette]

re: soccer
As I explained, if we were to pull her out then there is no way she could just pop back in come the fall for indoor season.She is playing developmental and I have told her that there is an option for her to play rec league. That resulted in lots of tears.
At this level the other girls will surpass her in skill level and she will be eaten alive or not make teams etc. if she is to take the break. Soccer is a big thing for her and playing at this level is also a huge self esteem thing. I know she likes the feeling of being at the higher level and being in that group of girls. If we took soccer away then her fitness is taken away and where does that leave any of us?

As for leaving stuff on the table by the stairs. She has been told/asked "next time you go upstairs take ____ to your room". It sits. Even though I have said it 5 minutes prior. I don't leave it sitting there to test to see how many days it takes. She is asked, she "forgets". So yeah I guess the answer is to tell her to take it NOW instead of when she is on her next trip to the upstairs.

The dog poop isn't a thing of hours, it is a thing of days. If we didn't pick it up then it sits and freezes to the snow or gets covered in snow. We're not asking her to be out there on constant poop duty. DH and I do it too. We are asking her to share in some dog duties...that's it.

As for punishment, DH is more of a punisher. He is way more strict and him and I butt heads at times like we did last night over soccer. He doesn't work in LE or anything similar. He just has a different threshold than I do and was brought up very differently. I had no chores when I was a kid. Nothing. I didn't touch laundry or bed making or cleaning til I was on my own. My family didn't do me any favors. DH had sports and dance and language school and church and chores. He also had young siblings he had to look after which he didn't like. We chose not to do that to DD for that reason. When I was pregnant with the 3 y/o DD was in tears worried that she wouldn't be able to do her activities. We assured her that she was still a priority and her activities were important. DD#2 has been going to soccer since she was a week old and we have never missed anything. DD11 has a LOT of family support for soccer and other stuff and there is always somebody at her games other than us.

The TV is gone. Period. Only because there has to be some negative consequence.
The list is made (done this before, trying it again). On the bottom it says that if she does these things on a regular basis then she earns back TV and other things she likes such as a pedicure or going to her favorite restaurant. So there is positive reinforcement in there too but she has to earn it.

It looks as though you don't want to pull her out of soccer because of the difficulty getting back in. If this is her passion, keep her in it. If it isn't her true passion remove it. Couldnt' she play on a school team instead?

Leaving stuff on the stairs - she saying she forgets. Almost seems like you are both playing this game - she says she forgets and you keep watching and stewing when you see it sitting there. You know what I do? Very simple..when I see something where it shouldn't be I call my DD to come get it and put it away. Bam, done in seconds.

We have a dog too - my DD's have the poop scoop duty too. When they "forget" and I see it out there - DD go pick up the poop. Bam, done!

If you feel your DD needs to be taught a lesson then set consequences now - if you don't do this soccer will be gone.

If you believe she is simply forgetting - then help her along as a Mom by MAKING her pick up the stuff at that very moment.

Seems like by sitting back and stewing over it is causing way more stress to you and your DH. You have a new baby coming - you don't need to deal with this stress!

 

[Wishing on a star]

If it's my hormones that are causing this then how do you explain DH? He is the one who wanted to pull the plug on soccer. I am the one who argued with him to keep it.

Yes, we do have expectations. Why shouldn't we? At what age do you think it is appropriate for a child to start picking up after themselves or helping out?

I work with a woman who does everything for her husband and boys. Her husband doesn't do laundry and hardly cooks. She works shift work like I do. Her husband will call every morning and she has to parent by phone to get the kids out of the house and tell hubby what the kids should be wearing etc. He doesn't make the kids lunches, she does the night before. She is away at the Olympics right now (I was supposed to be there too but I got pregnant) for 42 days. His mother is coming over to do the laundry and she shopped and pre-made a ton of meals. Mommy is also helping out with meal prep. Her husband is not happy he has to make lunches. Do I want useless kids like that who grow into useless adults? No.

I don't think our expectations are unreasonable and the list has five things on it. Not that hard. My list is huge if I were to make one.

As for putting away her stuff. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to notice the stuff she leaves laying around and put it away. It shouldn't be my job, it's not my stuff and I didn't put it there.


As for remembering on her own. I asked her to do SOME of the dishes while I went to daycare. In that small amount of time I was gone she decided to do stuff with strawberries. Why I don't know. She doesn't have an answer for it. So in the span of 30 minutes she "forgot" what I had said. She had forgot that we asked her the night before to take the dog for a quick walk.
These aren't conversations that happened a week ago.

Again, she is 11.
I know what you are talking about, and I feel qualified to offer my thoughts... I have a child the same age!!!

And, about the statement that I have bolded above:
I have no problem, at all, with wanting/expecting a kid to start helping out.

I have every problem with the attitude that is coming across from your posts.

Look, if you don't want to hear the info, advice, opinions of others... Just do a YAGE and continue to go on as you have been with your child. My thoughts.... to quote Dr. Phil... "How's that been workin' for ya?"

PS: I find the argument about the lame husband to be a ridiculous reason/justification (and a very incorrect analogy) to expect an 11 year old to begin to behave as an adult overnight.

 

[Dee & Greg]

Ok, I don't have kids, but my Dad did something to make me remember my chores that Ive never forgotten (and Im 47!)
He wrote up a contract on a piece of paper. Each chore was listed numerically, and was very specific.
ie.: Each Tuesday after school you will vacum the living room
Clean the cat box every day by 6pm

Everything had a specific time and date.
We had to both agree to the terms.
At the end, it said "for completing this list every week you will receive a sum of $2.00 on Friday evening. With this money you must keep gas and oil in your mini-bike (okay, I was 11, it was a long time ago!)
He had made x's for each of our signatures.

Then he had something concreate and measurable so there was no arguing. If I didn't do a chore, than he would just point out the chore on the list and say "you agreed to this, remember"

Boy, it worked!

I still remember how clever it was, and he did it in a very loving way, not a dictatorship.
I love my Dad!!

 

[clutter]

re: soccer


As for leaving stuff on the table by the stairs. She has been told/asked "next time you go upstairs take ____ to your room". It sits. Even though I have said it 5 minutes prior. I don't leave it sitting there to test to see how many days it takes. She is asked, she "forgets". So yeah I guess the answer is to tell her to take it NOW instead of when she is on her next trip to the upstairs.

I'd like to say that's the characteristic of an 11 year old, but heck, I do the same thing!!! I can walk into a room and forget why. I can think "next time she goes upstairs I'm going to ask her to take ___ with her." And I forget.

I might think next time I'm in the garage I have to get more garbage bags. And I come back from the garage an hour later and didn't get them. How would I expect my dd to remember. And yes, I could put it in the middle of the step, but sometimes I'm focusing on something else and I don't see it.

Yesterday, I left a list of 3 things for my dd12+++ to do when she got home from school. She did one. (Play with the hamster, who's been ignored lately.) When I got home, I simply reminded her of the other things she needed to do, and she got up and did them.

Things that need to be done daily need some kind of a visual or auditory reminder. Tape a note to her toilet. Set an alarm. Other things, such as taking something upstairs or putting dishes away (assuming it's different times during the day) need a simple command. Use the 'now' until you both get better at reacting.

Kids don't see things laying around the house the same was someone responsible for how the house sees them. (Shoot, I'm responsible for it, and I don't always see things.) Unfortunately, they need reminders. Your choices are, unfortunately, doing it or telling her to do it. Expecting it to get done without your interference just isn't going to happen at her age. However, that said, if you do get to where your relationship isn't tarnished by this, she will eventually surprise you. Wait and see. She may not remember to do her chores without reminder, but maybe she'll do something totally different spontaneously. As I said earlier, my dd cleaned and reorganized and shined the kitchen, and proposed that we (meaning me doing a better job ) always keep it that way. In view of three pairs of HER shoes, her homework and her stuff laying all over the family room! (Shoot, my 24 year old sitter tells me she's an awesome cleaner! She's not.) It's developmental.

I'm the mom that lets clean clothes stay in laundry baskets. I can, because I found that if I let it be, her room will be cleaned by herself, in her own time and way. And when she cleans it, she CLEANS it. (About 6 times a year, it involves me moving furniture while she re-organizes, so it's not such a blessing... ) I learned that, rather than making her responsible for the task, I made her responsible for the job and let her set the terms. (My room is at the top of the stairs, so I don't have to look at it, and if it gets too out of control, I don't go in at bedtime. That generally works.)

As for your DH proposing losing the soccer, is he really having a problem with this, or is he trying to help you with your frustration? I've heard you, over multiple posts, say, in effect, that you're overwhelmed. (An 11yo, a 3yo, and 9 months pg, working full time, you think?) There are other ways to deal with that (lightening up your expectations, getting your dh to help more, hiring a cleaning service) than expecting your dd to pitch in.

 

[NikiM20]

OP, the biggest thing I have learned with my dd is to pick my battles. I am not going to take away tv for a month because of no chores. What I will do is make her do them right then. I agree with the posters about the attention span of kids this age... They have none.

 

[Kathi OD]

Her circle of friends is the other soccer girls. Other than that there are a couple at school that don't play soccer that she hangs out with. Keep in mind she has a practice, 1-2 games, high performance training 2x...all in a week. She has been with this group of girls for a few years now and they are good bunch of kids.
Occasionally she will go to a movie with non soccer kids. It's harder here in the winter as they can't ride their bikes or play outside.

As for leaving her alone while I go to daycare. I wait until she is out of school, if she has a lot of stuff to bring home then she calls and I pick her up. Otherwise she walks home. She is allowed to be alone and she is even old enough to take the babysitting course. She isn't allowed to babysit until she is 12 which is in six months. She wanted to take the babysitting course last month and we told her NO. She doesn't have time to babysit people's kids and I don't think she realizes what is involved in that. Plus I would be very restrictive in who's house she could go to for that. I don't like the idea of her being somewhere in the evening. She is alone for the 30 min it takes me to get to the daycare and back. During that time she is to do homework if there is any if not then she can watch TV and do chores.

She was using the microwave to melt chocolate. She doesn't use the stove if nobody is home.

She likes soccer and she is always given the choice. We just signed her up for outdoor season and we asked her once again if that is what she wanted. That means two teams plus her high performance academy training.
She also likes her school activities and signs up for everything at school.

For the people who think we should just let her "be a kid". Do your kids not have to do chores at all? I don't think it is unreasonable to clean up after yourself or help contribute to the household cleaning. Again, her list is pretty short. Nobody is asking her to wash windows or make beds or do laundry etc.
I do expect her to notice that things need to be done though.
An example is the other day one of her rolls of pro wrap appeared on the table on the way to the second floor. It sat and sat for days. She walked by it numerous times never noticing that she had left it there. I finally took it up to her room. Do you think it is too much to ask her to put her own stuff away that she left out? I don't think so.

And I will not turn a blind eye to dirty clothes on the floor of her bedroom. I don't care if it is hers and she wants to live in dust bunnies. It's not healthy and it's not unreasonable to expect somebody to put their laundered clothes away. If she never put them away then the pile would grow and grow and it would be even more of a mess.

And no, I cannot do it all nor should I. At 11 she is capable of doing the small chores around the house here. We explained to her two weeks ago during another one of these conversations that if we have to do everything then it takes time away from other things that have to get done.
It takes 5 minutes to put clean dishes away. It only takes a couple of minutes to pick up dog poop. The dog is a miniature dacshund and due to the extreme cold temperatures she only goes outside to go to the bathroom. Yesterday was warmer -10C and we asked her to take the dog for a walk when she got home. It would have taken her 10 minutes as I told her just to go down the lane and around the front street. The dog can't handle too much else due to the snow and ice.

She isn't being defiant on purpose. She just always says "I forgot" and "I don't know". She has good marks at school so she can't be forgetting stuff there and I am sure she doesn't write 'I don't know' as an answer on tests.

Last month she came home wanting an Ipod Touch because so-n-so has one. We talked about it and said no because she is not responsible enough. She forgets stuff at school etc. We told her when she does what she is asked to do and can prove she can look after her stuff we would consider something like that. The other day she asked me for an iPhone. I showed her my cell phone which is a bare basics one. I asked her why she wanted an iPhone and she said because one of the other kids has one. I don't know who she would call since she is either home or with us for the most part. She is not at the age where she is going out with friends alone. When she has gone to a movie I have given her our phone in case something comes up.

As a quite a few other PP have stated, your daughter is ELEVEN. She is a child, not an adult. Expecting her to look around and know what needs to be done is an unrealistic expectation for a child her age. Should you expect her to help around the house, absolutely. However at ELEVEN she needs guidance and constant reminders. That's how the developmental process works.

If you want something done, ask her to do it and don't give her an option of when. Telling her to take put the tape away the next time she goes up the stairs is wasted breath (heck, I often forget to do things when I put an indefinite timeline on it). She needs to be given a time limit of some sort, with a direct consequence that you are willing to follow through with. "DD, the tape needs to be put away before you go to bed or ...." "DD, the clothes on the floor in your room need to be in the hamper before 4 or..." "DD, I'd like the dishes done before I get back from daycare. If they aren't done, you'll ..." It's a training process. The consequence should be related to the thing that is not being done, as much as possible. You want the consequence to fit the crime. Make her do her own laundry if her clothes aren't picked up. Also, you are going to need to make sure that your request is fulfilled right away in order for this to be effective. Gradually, you should be able to back off the direct time/consequence thing. In our house when things weren't put away, they often went missing. If requests for chores weren't carried out, then there was no TV, playtime, whatever, until they were finished. We didn't wait for days before addressing the situation. (and this started when they were much younger than 11).

Also, as adults we tend to think we were much better at this kind of stuff when we were kids. Got news for you, we weren't...that is unless we were scared to death of our parents. I don't know about you, but I definitely don't want my children doing something because they are afraid of me (not that I think that's the case here).

Finally, remember that children are children, for as long as we are alive. My 24 yo generally doesn't "think" to put away his laundry on his own, even though he walks past it on his way into the house every day (we come into the house through the laundry room). I usually have to tell him it needs to be done. Fortunately, now he is old enough to know that when I ask him to do something, I mean "NOW," not when he gets around to it.

The TV is gone. Period. Only because there has to be some negative consequence.
The list is made (done this before, trying it again). On the bottom it says that if she does these things on a regular basis then she earns back TV and other things she likes such as a pedicure or going to her favorite restaurant. So there is positive reinforcement in there too but she has to earn it.

Sorry, but taking away the TV indefinitely (until things improve) is just ineffective. Now, when she "forgets" what are you going to do? Better to take away TV for the night when she forgets to do something. That way, tomorrow she starts anew. If she remembers everything, then she gets her TV time for that day. Starting anew each day allows the child to make progress in time increments that they are able to comprehend.

 

[KiminChicago]

One thing that I've learned is that it is easy for DD (also 11) to "forget" or just not to hear me at all if I don't have her complete attention when I ask her to do something. Sometimes it helps to say "I want your clothes picked up off your bedroom floor by 4 pm. Can you tell me what I just asked you to do?"

 

[KiKi Mouse]

It looks as though you don't want to pull her out of soccer because of the difficulty getting back in. If this is her passion, keep her in it. If it isn't her true passion remove it. Couldnt' she play on a school team instead?

We don't have school soccer teams here. They may play soccer after school but it is an hour after school in a gym...it's not "soccer". Same with the basketball and other school sports.

There is big difficulty getting her back in. Unless your kid has played competitive sports then you don't know how it works. She will be playing premier at 13 y/o and this group of girls is being groome for it. As it is we can't go to every soccer thing that comes up. DD11 is not going to the USA Cup this year as DH doesn't have a week of holidays to spare. There is another tournament in the same state (8 hour drive for us) that we can't take her to. So she does miss out on some of it which upsets her.

I made a post here because we have tried a few different things with her in the past with always the same result. We have tried a list, we have tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, talking endlessly, we have tried getting her to repeat what she has to do. Nothing has worked. It may get better for a bit but it slips into the same old "I forgot".

The TV is gone for a month as this has been going on for a long time and nothing else is working. The TV was taken away once before for the same reason and things improved for a bit. When the TV is on she is very sucked into it and doesn't even hear you if you are talking to her. I can sit right next to her and call her name and she doesn't hear me.

I am not overwhelmed by the housework. It is doable and we manage. I went to 8 hour shifts over Christmas and then went on medical leave after the 8th of February so I have been home. DH does tons around the house so there are no issues there. Our frustration is with the "forgetting" and the 'I don't know". It is overwhelming when you have tried so many things and have gotten the same result.

When I say I can't do everything I mean that I can't walk behind somebody and clean their trail of mess. Yeah we can do all these chores we ask her to do but what does that teach her? She wants all these things like iPods etc. but she doesn't want to do anything to earn them.

The analogy about the lame husband was more about the kids. The kids have everything done for them because Mom feels they are incapable of even making their lunch or helping to make their lunch or putting away laundry. Plus seeing their father incapable of taking care of himself sets an example.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

You can expect all you want...
But, you can't get blood from a rock.

Expect and punish all you want.
But that is not going to magically create executive function skills and attention span that simply may not exist in a child of that age. (Or, in the case of a child like mine, a child who might have developmental issues/deficits)

Looks like most here are realizing that they are wasting their breath trying to offer insight and advice to you.

You have created this battle with your child.
And, like many have said, most parents learn to choose their battles, because the child will usually find a way to win.

Good Luck...

 

[Buzz's Buddy]

I wouldn't take away the soccer, if for no other reason than it is very good exercise.

My wife recently made a list of chores to be done. We all have our assigned responsibilities: laundry, brushing the dog, taking out the garbage, etc.

DS knows that he has to check the list when he gets home from school and get started on it when his homework is completed. The list is kept on the refrigerator so there's never an issue of "I forgot".

I can tell DS13 something and 5 seconds later he forgets, which is what happens with many teenagers. But when it's written down, he just does it. My wife has something on the list for virtually every day, even if it's something minor, that way he gets in the habit of checking it every day.