DD wants a purity ring

[marcyinPA]

Oh Marcy! Haven't you been around here long enough to have read thread after thread where parents say this is NOT what they want for their kids. (I'm sure they really DO NOT want it for an 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 yo...but older kids...) the mindset of, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?"

.

Yeah, after I typed that, I kind of figured people would start quoting me!

I don't know anyone who does a purity ring thing around here, but the whole concept of an 11 year old girl making a decision at this point in her life to abstain from sex is not bad in my opinion, and I don't get why any parent would think it's a bad thing. Especially knowing that there are 11 year olds having sex. I am a leader of an 8th grade girls small group at my church, and I know what is going on these days!

I think that this situation requires a lot more than a ring- it requires good, frank conversation between the parents and the child- an ongoing dialogue- and the parents should be supportive of the child's choices whether they agree with them or not. I don't understand why a parent would not want abstinence for their tween/young teen (and I will even go so far as to say older teen!)

 

[mdsoccermom]

But what if it is what your CHILDREN want? Why would you discourage that?

Personally, I don't know of anyone in my circle of friends who do the whole purity ring thing. But they do talk openly and honestly with their children about sex and they encourage abstinence. I encourage it with my own sons, one of whom is a 17 year old with a girlfriend. But- not only is it something that I want for him, but more importantly, it is something he wants for himself! In no way would I ever EVER encourage him to go against what he strongly believes in! That is just dumb- I'm sorry!

I do not believe in purity rings, so I won't buy one for my child. I do not believe in waiting until marriage to have sex. That does not equal telling my teenager to run out and sleep around or encouraging to go against what they believe in.

If my children chooses to abstain, that's their personal choice, not one that needs to be announced to the world.

 

[Acklander]

But what if it is what your CHILDREN want? Why would you discourage that?

!

I would discourage it probably for the same reason why a parent who believes in abstinence until marriage would discourage premarital sex. We encourage our personal values in our children.
When it comes down to it, each person is going to decide for him or herself when they are ready to be sexually active. Some will decide sooner than they are ready, some will hold out longer out of fear, many will be ready when they are ready, with our without the benefit of marriage. It's a private decision between a couple, Not between a couple, their friends, their parents or their preacher, just between the couple. I'm not a fan of making sexual matters a public affair. I think it's wrong when people brag about their conquests, I think it's wrong when people kiss and tell, I think it's wrong when people wear rings flaunting their virginity status. It's not anyone else's business. So yes, I would discourage my children from getting a purity ring even if it's what they want. FYI I also discourage my kids from talking about money, how much they earn or how much something costs.

 

[disneychrista]

Sounds to me like she is more interested in have a "purdy" ring than a "purity" ring. At age 11 I don't think she has any concept of what purity really means.

 

[mimmi]

Sorry, but am I the only one who thinks, that it is a bit creepy to talk elecen year old children into commitments that affect the next maybe 20 years of their lifes?
It isn't really about the concept itself (which I don't support at all) but about manipulating children in such a way.
Did you know beforehand that a this would be a topic at the church thing?
I think sexuality is a personal thing that shouldn't be affected by group pressure in one way or the other, this is something an individual should decide for themselves after giving it enough thought and I don't think that could ever be the case with an eleven year old.

 

[superme80]

I agree!



Bolding mine.

I also attended a Christian school & a traditional Baptist church. We were never told sex was bad. Rather, we were told sex was beautiful & something to be enjoyed & shared between a husband and wife. And, yes, we were even told that sex was fun! LOL! So, I never grew up thinking sex was "dirty" or wrong - just that the best choice was to save sex for marriage. So there was no "transition of thought" for us. And, yes, even at our Christian school, there were kids having sex. And there were some who got married almost straight out of high school. So I know, sex happens.

Additionally, my DH was the youth leader at our former church, & we've been leading different teen groups for years. We always tried to be honest w/ our teens about sex & have had several discussions over the years about why choosing to wait is a good decision.

I'm not a prude when it comes to sex. (DH & I have lots of fun!) That said, I hope my children choose to wait. But I've never told them that sex is a dirty or wrong thing. We've discussed respect for one's self (& respect for the person you're dating) & modesty & sex & why it's best to wait. And, when they actually reach dating age, we plan to further discuss sex & consequences & waiting & protection if you don't choose to wait. And, if they choose to wear a purity ring to symbolize their decision to wait, I'm fully going to support them. I don't think abstinence & choosing to wait for the right person is a bad choice at all! (I actually happen to think it's the right choice!) And it's what DH & I want for our children.

While I really didn't want my 11-year-old DD to even be thinking about sex & thinking about whether or not she was going to have sex, if she had asked for a purity ring, we would have had a conversation about sex & what a purity ring means (so that I could be sure she fully understood), & I would suggest waiting to get a ring - for the same reason you stated. I probably would have let her get a ring had she persisted - if I felt it was important to her & not because she just wanted a piece of jewelry. However, I think the ring would mean more when she was actually ready to start dating.

My church was non denominational, but same thing. we were never taught sex was bad. If you are against it I would talk to your daughter about it further before your buy it for her. I think sadly 11 is a good age to discuss sex. There is pressure at this age.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Rather than call it a purity ring how about calling it a "good judgement" ring, as in "Use good judgement in all your decisions"....

I like that idea too.

Purity rings are all the rage with the celebrities teens look up to right now. The Jonas brothers made a big deal of them when they were popular, and Selena Gomez wears one. I'm thinking a few kids want them to be like their idols, not because they understand what they are commiting to. And once you put it on, if you change your mind about the commitment, even if you are still a virgin, everyone will assume you are not.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't really understand why this would cause concern? I think at 11, they understand the concepts, but not in a way that an older teen or adult would. But still- she knows what it is for, and she is on board. Why would that be bad? Isn't this what all parents would want for their children? I mean, middle school kids ARE having sex. It is happening out there whether we want to admit it or not. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to have sex (now or in the immediate future) should be a huge relief for you!

Well, first of all I don't think they really understand the concepts at 11. My DD is that age and she and her friends really don't. They see the sex act itself as "icky" (after all, it does involve parts they associate with using the bathroom) and are somewhat incredulous about the idea that people actually do that for fun. I don't think any statement they make at this age is in any way binding because they just don't understand. Heck, I could probably also get my 11yo to agree never to be out past 9pm and never to drink alcohol, but would that really have any effect on her choices when she's 17 and heading off to prom or 21 and at a college frat party?'

Second, middle school children having sex is rare. Yes, even with "kids these days". The younger a child loses his or her virginity, the less likely that it was a voluntary act, and while promiscuous tweens make good shocking headlines sexual activity at that age is not nearly as common as the media would have us believe. It is like "stranger danger" - ratings friendly but not a very accurate picture.

And finally, if it were a pledge to wait until they are ready or even until adulthood I might feel differently. But we're talking about a promise to remain abstinent until marriage... something that doesn't happen until late 20s/early 30s for most educated young people. I don't want that for my kids for several reasons. Statistically people committed to waiting for marriage marry younger, which is associated with higher divorce rates. They're also less likely to use protection when they do become active, even if it is before marriage, and higher rates of teen and pre-marital pregnancy reflect that fact.

I would discourage it probably for the same reason why a parent who believes in abstinence until marriage would discourage premarital sex. We encourage our personal values in our children.
When it comes down to it, each person is going to decide for him or herself when they are ready to be sexually active. Some will decide sooner than they are ready, some will hold out longer out of fear, many will be ready when they are ready, with our without the benefit of marriage. It's a private decision between a couple, Not between a couple, their friends, their parents or their preacher, just between the couple. I'm not a fan of making sexual matters a public affair. I think it's wrong when people brag about their conquests, I think it's wrong when people kiss and tell, I think it's wrong when people wear rings flaunting their virginity status. It's not anyone else's business. So yes, I would discourage my children from getting a purity ring even if it's what they want. FYI I also discourage my kids from talking about money, how much they earn or how much something costs.

Sorry, but am I the only one who thinks, that it is a bit creepy to talk elecen year old children into commitments that affect the next maybe 20 years of their lifes?
It isn't really about the concept itself (which I don't support at all) but about manipulating children in such a way.
Did you know beforehand that a this would be a topic at the church thing?
I think sexuality is a personal thing that shouldn't be affected by group pressure in one way or the other, this is something an individual should decide for themselves after giving it enough thought and I don't think that could ever be the case with an eleven year old.

I teach my children to think for themselves and resist peer pressure. I don't want them deciding to promise abstinence because their peer group is doing it any more than I want them deciding to become sexually active because their peers are doing it. Sex is a private matter to be shared between two mature people who care about and respect one another, not a topic for public declarations one way or the other.

 

[ilovemk76]

She is 11. Yesterday, she went to a church function at a friend's church. We attend another similar denomination, so, no issues there.

Apparently, they were discussing the concept of purity. She learned the idea of waiting to marriage, yada yada yada.

I have no problem with her learning these concepts. But, she came home asking if she and her 2 friends can go shopping together to buy themselves purity rings.

Of course, I want her to be very careful concerning who and when she shares the very personal and private moment with. But, I am also a little concerned about her making this decision at age 11 when she has never experienced much in the way of romantic relations.

It's a much different thing at age 11 than at say 17. I don't want her to have later regrets about breaking this kind of comitment.

thoughts?

If she wants to buy the ring and make this commitment, I don't see a problem.

I hate it when the father gives his daughter the ring. It seems creepy to me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't like the idea of any person/group taking on that kind of influence with kids at 11 or younger in things of such a personal nature, that many have absolutely no idea what it really means. IMHO, that in itself is just not right.

If one can be influenced that easily in a so-called good or positive intent.
The opposite could also easily happen.

Something tells me that the good lord didn't go around telling young children that they needed to wear a purity ring.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't want them deciding to promise abstinence because their peer group is doing it any more than I want them deciding to become sexually active because their peers are doing it.

Yes, this, exactly.

well said....

 

[nathalee81]

I know my opinion will not be a popular one, but here is my two cents.

To me, a purity ring screams "SEE, I'M MAKING A BETTER CHOICE THAN ALL YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE PEOPLE."

Abstinence is a wonderful decision for those who think it is right for them, but it isn't the right decision for EVERYONE.

Furthermore, it is a personal decision that doesn't need to be shared with everyone (an unpopular notion in this day and age, I'm sure).

I think wearing a purity ring like some kind of badge of honor is no better than bragging about your sexual exploits to everyone who will listen.

Sex, and when you decide to have it, is a private matter-and announcing it to the world is just attention seeking and exploitative. If it is, indeed, important to you to reserve sex for your spouse, then make that promise to yourself-not to the whole world by wearing a ring.

I'm sure, though, the makers of purity rings would disagree with me...I'm sure they are loving the surge of popularity in purity rings

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't really like purity rings. I actually think they concentrate young people even more on sex--though in a negative light, it builds identity out of sex and makes it a much bigger deal. In other words, I think it's reverse sexualization, focusing attention on the sexuality of young girls.

And transforming what should be a private issue, into a public one.

Perhaps more importantly, the stats show that purity rings don't make a difference, in the end: purity pledgers are as likely to have premarital sex than those without the pledge. The big difference is in contraception, as those who pledge are less likely to use protection. Thus, while pledgers tend to be just as likely to have premarital sex, they're more likely to be engaging in dangerous practices that increase chances of disease and pregnancy. (A link to a Washington Post article on the subject: http://wapo.st/XiiJ5S) My guess is also that purity rings would make it more difficult for a kid to talk honestly with her parents about questions of sex, and parental sex education is really important.

In other words, purity ring or no, stressing protection just in case is absolutely essential, as is letting your daughters know that they can always talk to you about their questions or concerns.

Good post. And from the article:

By 2001, Rosenbaum found, 82 percent of those who had taken a pledge had retracted their promises, and there was no significant difference in the proportion of students in both groups who had engaged in any type of sexual activity, the age at which they first had sex, or their number of sexual partners. More than half of both groups had engaged in various types of sexual activity, had an average of about three sexual partners and had had sex for the first time by age 21 even if they were unmarried.

"It seems that pledgers aren't really internalizing the pledge," Rosenbaum said. "Participating in a program doesn't appear to be motivating them to change their behavior. It seems like abstinence has to come from an individual conviction rather than participating in a program."

 

[disykat]

I am a Christian and believe sex should be something that happens within the context of marriage.

That said, I strongly dislike the whole "purity ring" thing and although I would be happy my kids felt strongly like I do, I would discourage the ring.

In my experience, it is often the most overtly pious who are covertly living quite differently than they proclaim. I believe this kind of example to be detrimental, rather than inspirational. I'd rather my kids not get caught up in a fad, but make their decisions based on their own beliefs and faith.

I want them to want to make decisions each day out of the core of who they are, not based on outward reminders. And, most importantly, I want them to experience grace, not guilt, if they fall short.

I also have a creepy association with some the way some churches do these purity rings, involving ceremonies etc.

 

[rszdtrvl]

Am I the only one who thought of the Jonas Brothers South Park episode?

I have no comment on it, other than thinking 11 is a bit young, and she probably wants a ring more than anything - especially if some of her friends are getting them.

I would probably let her pick out a smaller birthstone ring or something.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

If she came to the decision to get a purity ring, understands what it means, and wants to make that commitment, I see no problem with it at all. I really don't see a problem with her making this decision at her age. I have no idea how old I was when I decided to abstain until marriage because it was always something I had been taught. It is my opinion that deciding to abstain in this day and age is a very wise decision considering how many STDs there are. Plus, choosing to abstain pretty much guarantees that she will not have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy at a time when she lacks the maturity and education to provide for another human being. If she is ready to make that commitment and wants to do it with a ring, I would encourage that. And the idea that you don't want her to be peer pressured to abstain in the same way that you don't want her to be peer pressured to have sex is not something I agree with. There are times when peer pressure can be a good thing. When that pressure is encouraging responsible behavior, I am all for it.

 

[okeydokey]

So if she gets one at 11 and then stops wearing it at 17, does everything think she is having sex? I don't see the need to openly advertise your sexual experience.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If, when she gets older, feels she is ready for making that decision, it'll just seem like a stupid ring and she'll do whatever she feels is best. As of now, I think letting her have it will do her no harm. She'll probably forget the purpose of it anyway after a while and it'll just become a ring.

With respect to those who do believe in using these types of rings, how can something continue to be revered if it's tossed aside when it's outlived it's usefulness? To me, either it's meaningful, or it's not.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

With respect to those who do believe in using these types of rings, how can something continue to be revered if it's tossed aside when it's outlived it's usefulness? To me, either it's meaningful, or it's not.

I don't get throwing it out. For me, I gave mine to my husband on our wedding day. I knew another girl who had her's melted and put into her husband's wedding band. Not sure what others did with their's, but I don't know of anyone who just threw it out. I agree about not understanding why someone would do that. Of course, my ring meant something to me. I wore it on my ring finger on my left hand and kept it there until it was replaced with an engagement ring because it meant something to me.

 

[nathalee81]

If she came to the decision to get a purity ring, understands what it means, and wants to make that commitment, I see no problem with it at all. I really don't see a problem with her making this decision at her age. I have no idea how old I was when I decided to abstain until marriage because it was always something I had been taught. It is my opinion that deciding to abstain in this day and age is a very wise decision considering how many STDs there are. Plus, choosing to abstain pretty much guarantees that she will not have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy at a time when she lacks the maturity and education to provide for another human being. If she is ready to make that commitment and wants to do it with a ring, I would encourage that. And the idea that you don't want her to be peer pressured to abstain in the same way that you don't want her to be peer pressured to have sex is not something I agree with. There are times when peer pressure can be a good thing. When that pressure is encouraging responsible behavior, I am all for it.

First of all, choosing to abstain will not guarantee anything-it is the actual abstaining that will prevent those things you mentioned-and the problem for some kids is they make the choice, but don't follow through in their actions.

Also, for me, peer pressure will never be a good thing. I want my child to make choices for herself, hopefully they will be good and sound choices based on HER judgement-not what what everyone else is thinking or doing.