DD spends too much time at friends house?

[NMAmy]

Yes, that's right, money's tight--my husband is being laid off in two weeks, so excuse me if we don't buy designer clothes, designer bedrooms, etc. That's the way it is! I guess we're just miserable failures in dd's eyes, hey, I can see her point! Unemployment is stressful enough without feeling like we can't keep up socially. Perhaps we should just let these people adopt dd, after all, they wouldn't notice any difference, she practically lives there anyways!

I think many of us either grew up in tight financial times or experienced them as an adult. There are lots of things to do with kids that don't cost money--playing games with the whole family (popcorn is a great, cheap snack), watching videos, playing in the yard, etc.

Your dd sounds normal. I spent many weekends at friends' homes and so did dd. My house has also been a teen hangout but it seems to go in cycles. I've been a sleepover host for years (even as a single mom) and never had a whiff of a lawsuit.

Spending time with another family let my dd take a peek at how other families live. She was a bit shocked by the family that had fast food for every meal and realized that while that was cool at first, it got really old. It teaches kids how to get along with others and be a good guest as well as a good host.

DD has a friend with whom she spent a huge chunk of time. The girl's parents didn't have a good relationship and I found out later that she didn't like to be away from home because she was feeling insecure about that. Later, when her parents were divorcing, her home was in foreclosure, and her brother was in a serious car accident and hospitalized, she practically moved in with us. When things calmed down a bit, her mother called and thanked me for providing a safe haven for the girl at that time. The girls are 18 now and are still good friends and I really love the person she's become.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Also we went on a little trip last weekend, one night in a hotel, dd wanted he friend to come along. Well, our budget is tight, we couldn't afford to go all the places we went if we had another kid in tow and I felt awkward asking the parents to pay her share, but also along the same lines as no sleepovers, we're not having someone else's kid sleeping in the same hotel room, there's a privacy issue, and in this "witch hunt" society its not wise to put yourself in a potentially vunerable situation.

I am getting annoyed that our family is being turned around because of this friendship. Its ok to have a BF, I did, but we didn't live at each others houses and go on family trips with each other.

With all due respect - you are paranoid. You let your daughter stay at these people's home for hours upon hours - and then worry about what can happen if there is a sleep over. Whatever "bad" things you think can happen during a sleepover can happen at 3pm.

You seem obsessed with this "witch hunt" philosophy. Yet, you don't even know the parents of the child your daughter is spending all this time with. You worry about being falsely accused by having children visit your home - and then you wonder why your daughter is spending all her time at someone else's?

Personally, you need to get a handle on why you react this way. I have three children (10, 15, 20). I have had children sleep over my house, have them sleep over others, mine even go to sleepaway camp for the summer. I can't live my life in fear that someone is going to sue me or create so much fear for my children that something will happen to them that they freeze up and have no life at all.

Life is too short. You educate them on how to protect themselves, you make your home welcoming to their friends (warts and all), you are involved in their life, completely. You seem to have an excuse for every single reason your daughter wants her friend along.

You haven't taken the time to get to know these other parents - how do you know your daughter hasn't told them my parents don't care where I am and that's why they didn't bother calling you? They have your daughter for hours upon hours without you even calling? Getting to know them? As a parent who is very involved with my kids - if I had a child here for that many hours without even a phone call from the parent, I'd figure the parent is neglectful, doesn't give a crap and I would make sure I provided a safe and caring environment for the child. If the parent of the child (who on the internet - claims to be so worried about the safety of her child that she doesn't allow sleepovers - yet let's her child be away from home for up to 40 hours a week) doesn't bother to contact me to check in and make sure my daughter is where she said she was, to see if she was safe - why should I reach out to that parent?

If you want a relationship with your daughter - you need to get over your paranoid fears of being falsely accused of watching the wrong TV show or whatever and make your home opening and welcome to her and her friends.

I know this is going to sound harsh - but I truly feel you are the only one that is at fault here. You are the parent.

This is JMHO.

 

[NewmanFam6]

When I was growing up I was always at my BFF's house across the street. My family didn't have much money and therefore not a lot of extras. My BFF happened to be an only child. She had all kinds of things to do at her house so we were always there. I was embarrassed to have people to my house. Both of my parents worked all the time and so our house did not look pristine like all of the neighbor's houses. I also didn't like to have people over because we didn't have a lot snacks and choices of food. I was embarrassed of how we lived not realizing my parents were doing the best they could with what they had That age is all about keeping up with your friends. All of my friends had labels on and I had my sister's old clothes. When we went to the mall I didn't always have money even for McDonald's. I hated being what I considered poor. It had nothing to do with my parents and everything to do with my perception of how things were. I thought my BFF had it so great at her house and so that is where I was.

 

[momx2]

With all due respect - you are paranoid. You let your daughter stay at these people's home for hours upon hours - and then worry about what can happen if there is a sleep over. Whatever "bad" things you think can happen during a sleepover can happen at 3pm.

You seem obsessed with this "witch hunt" philosophy. Yet, you don't even know the parents of the child your daughter is spending all this time with. You worry about being falsely accused by having children visit your home - and then you wonder why your daughter is spending all her time at someone else's?

Personally, you need to get a handle on why you react this way. I have three children (10, 15, 20). I have had children sleep over my house, have them sleep over others, mine even go to sleepaway camp for the summer. I can't live my life in fear that someone is going to sue me or create so much fear for my children that something will happen to them that they freeze up and have no life at all.

Life is too short. You educate them on how to protect themselves, you make your home welcoming to their friends (warts and all), you are involved in their life, completely. You seem to have an excuse for every single reason your daughter wants her friend along.

You haven't taken the time to get to know these other parents - how do you know your daughter hasn't told them my parents don't care where I am and that's why they didn't bother calling you? They have your daughter for hours upon hours without you even calling? Getting to know them? As a parent who is very involved with my kids - if I had a child here for that many hours without even a phone call from the parent, I'd figure the parent is neglectful, doesn't give a crap and I would make sure I provided a safe and caring environment for the child. If the parent of the child (who on the internet - claims to be so worried about the safety of her child that she doesn't allow sleepovers - yet let's her child be away from home for up to 40 hours a week) doesn't bother to contact me to check in and make sure my daughter is where she said she was, to see if she was safe - why should I reach out to that parent?

If you want a relationship with your daughter - you need to get over your paranoid fears of being falsely accused of watching the wrong TV show or whatever and make your home opening and welcome to her and her friends.

I know this is going to sound harsh - but I truly feel you are the only one that is at fault here. You are the parent.

This is JMHO.

ITA! I typed basically the same thing last night, but deleted it because I didn't want to offend, but I agree.

 

[marlynnp]

With all due respect - you are paranoid. You let your daughter stay at these people's home for hours upon hours - and then worry about what can happen if there is a sleep over. Whatever "bad" things you think can happen during a sleepover can happen at 3pm.

You seem obsessed with this "witch hunt" philosophy. Yet, you don't even know the parents of the child your daughter is spending all this time with. You worry about being falsely accused by having children visit your home - and then you wonder why your daughter is spending all her time at someone else's?

Personally, you need to get a handle on why you react this way. I have three children (10, 15, 20). I have had children sleep over my house, have them sleep over others, mine even go to sleepaway camp for the summer. I can't live my life in fear that someone is going to sue me or create so much fear for my children that something will happen to them that they freeze up and have no life at all.

Life is too short. You educate them on how to protect themselves, you make your home welcoming to their friends (warts and all), you are involved in their life, completely. You seem to have an excuse for every single reason your daughter wants her friend along.

You haven't taken the time to get to know these other parents - how do you know your daughter hasn't told them my parents don't care where I am and that's why they didn't bother calling you? They have your daughter for hours upon hours without you even calling? Getting to know them? As a parent who is very involved with my kids - if I had a child here for that many hours without even a phone call from the parent, I'd figure the parent is neglectful, doesn't give a crap and I would make sure I provided a safe and caring environment for the child. If the parent of the child (who on the internet - claims to be so worried about the safety of her child that she doesn't allow sleepovers - yet let's her child be away from home for up to 40 hours a week) doesn't bother to contact me to check in and make sure my daughter is where she said she was, to see if she was safe - why should I reach out to that parent?

If you want a relationship with your daughter - you need to get over your paranoid fears of being falsely accused of watching the wrong TV show or whatever and make your home opening and welcome to her and her friends.

I know this is going to sound harsh - but I truly feel you are the only one that is at fault here. You are the parent.

This is JMHO.

MTE! (and put much nicer than I would have.... )

and that conversation in the grocery store with her previous friend's mother.... I can totally see something wacky being said by you that would make that mother limit time with your daughter and thus end the friendship

 

[Pumbaa_]

sounds like it is time to sit down with the hormone tween and set family rules. Put them in writing and spell out the consequences.

Amount of time allowed to spend with friends (don't spell out neighborhood girl, friends in general)

Family commitments that are negotiable and those that are not (holidays, church vs. something that CAN be negotiated)

Rule for going on an outing with any friends family (again, do not stress the neighbor girl). Must get permission from Mom or Dad prior to going anywhere other than the destination agreed. And Mom, when she calls the first time, thank her for following the rules and even if it kills you, TRY to let her go to reward her for following the family rules

Consequences - failure to do the above. Is it grounded from phone and friends for 1 week? Again, it has to be for all situations, not just neighbor girl

And mom, this too will pass. You are uncool now and will be for a number of years. Oh, and you don't know anything either and yes, you are trying to ruin her life . Don't get your feelings hurt, it is what tweens and teens do. Just part of growing up. Don't get mad, don't yell, just ignore whatever is yelled at you and stay calm. I promise she will like you again in a few years.

Good luck!

 

[jamesmommy]

Yes, that's right, money's tight--my husband is being laid off in two weeks, so excuse me if we don't buy designer clothes, designer bedrooms, etc. That's the way it is! I guess we're just miserable failures in dd's eyes, hey, I can see her point! Unemployment is stressful enough without feeling like we can't keep up socially. Perhaps we should just let these people adopt dd, after all, they wouldn't notice any difference, she practically lives there anyways!

Just wanted to say, my father died when I was 14, my mother and I moved into our old home, which my sister and her family were renting from my mom. I never had alot of designer clothes, I shared a room with my mom, had a sister, bil, and a young niece and nephew (1&5) always around..........guess who had the house everyone wanted to stay at. All my friends, many who had much more than I, loved to be at my house. As my niece and nephew grew, it was the same for them. My family home is still the "meeting place" for friends and family.

I do think that my family was much more laid back than most, you know, the "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of thing, and that appealed to my friends. But it definitely wasn't a money issue. It was not a lack of supervision issue either. My mom always knew what was going on, and kept us out of trouble

 

[Mouse House Mama]

With all due respect - you are paranoid. You let your daughter stay at these people's home for hours upon hours - and then worry about what can happen if there is a sleep over. Whatever "bad" things you think can happen during a sleepover can happen at 3pm.

You seem obsessed with this "witch hunt" philosophy. Yet, you don't even know the parents of the child your daughter is spending all this time with. You worry about being falsely accused by having children visit your home - and then you wonder why your daughter is spending all her time at someone else's?

Personally, you need to get a handle on why you react this way. I have three children (10, 15, 20). I have had children sleep over my house, have them sleep over others, mine even go to sleepaway camp for the summer. I can't live my life in fear that someone is going to sue me or create so much fear for my children that something will happen to them that they freeze up and have no life at all.

Life is too short. You educate them on how to protect themselves, you make your home welcoming to their friends (warts and all), you are involved in their life, completely. You seem to have an excuse for every single reason your daughter wants her friend along.

You haven't taken the time to get to know these other parents - how do you know your daughter hasn't told them my parents don't care where I am and that's why they didn't bother calling you? They have your daughter for hours upon hours without you even calling? Getting to know them? As a parent who is very involved with my kids - if I had a child here for that many hours without even a phone call from the parent, I'd figure the parent is neglectful, doesn't give a crap and I would make sure I provided a safe and caring environment for the child. If the parent of the child (who on the internet - claims to be so worried about the safety of her child that she doesn't allow sleepovers - yet let's her child be away from home for up to 40 hours a week) doesn't bother to contact me to check in and make sure my daughter is where she said she was, to see if she was safe - why should I reach out to that parent?

If you want a relationship with your daughter - you need to get over your paranoid fears of being falsely accused of watching the wrong TV show or whatever and make your home opening and welcome to her and her friends.

I know this is going to sound harsh - but I truly feel you are the only one that is at fault here. You are the parent.

This is JMHO.

I agree. While I agree with the no sleepover rule I think overall you are dropping the ball here. Set your rules and enforce them. The way you are coming across is "well she likes them better so they can keep her!" I understand you are hurt but I am sure your dd senses your feelings. Another child stopped talking to your dd after you spoke to her in the supermarket? Why? What exactly did you say? I am sorry but that speaks a littke loud to me. I wish you luck as we are all trying to do the best we can.

 

[ToddyLu]

I'm concerned for my dd, that she will be hurt by spending all her time with one friend. If that friend suddenly drops her, or has other plans, my dd is left high and dry. she needs some other friends.

Also, the involvement affects my child's interraction with other activities. suddenly she doesn't want to do anything if it doesn't involve this other child. I went through a lot to get her piano lessons, they start next week, dd didn't want to go because she "doesn't know anyone there" Well, my dh is being laid off, so piano lessons are something we cut out for now, anyways.

I hate to see her limit herself like that. If my "friend" doesn't go, I don't go is her attitude. All her eggs are in one basket.

Also, I bought dd some clothes at the Goodwill yesterday. Like I said, we're on a tight budget. There are really nice, some still have tags on, but she blew up and said "all her friends" (umm......I thought she just had the one friend?) shop at Justice for Girls. Well, sweetie, I can't afford to spend $40+ for one little blouse, she needed long sleeve shirts, I was quite thrilled with my finds, all quite nice, not "second-hand rose" Well, I'm cutting back on myself as well, I don't have anything new, can make do, she has outgrown her clothes, but I can't be expected to join the tween girls fashion parade!

I told her if she disliked the clothes we could donate them back to the GW, but on second thought she needs winter clothes, so that's it, take it or leave it.

At age twelve my parents both worked full time and money was always a bit tight. I had everything I needed, just not lots of extras. So around that age my father started teaching me about family finances and how much things cost. He allowed me to balance the family checkbook for a couple of years and then would go behind me and check the figures. He would show me his check and I would make a deposit slip. Then I could see all the expenses and how they added up to what he made. My mom used a more secretive envelope system, but I knew her pay went for the extra things we all did. They always allowed friends over and everyone enjoyed my house, if Daddy make dinner he would turn it into a show and talk to us about what he was doing. My Mama always made our birthdays extra special because the party favors were soooo cool. They were really good parents. She even had to explain menstruation to a friend that started at our house. So IMO your child is normal just testing maybe the boundaries. If the little girl doesn't like coming over can you just ask her why?? I think you are doing a great job and maybe this is just a life lesson. I never question what we could afford because I saw the finances first hand.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

I could have wrote this post back about 13 years ago. My dd gained a friend that she spent the better part of every day with...it was so strange to us because my dd would never do more than 2 hours at any friends house ever.

Long story short, come to find out they were being able to just run-amuck while over at the friends house, watch any crap they wanted on tv, have boys over, call and talk crap on the telephone with friends..etc..you get the idea. And she also lost more than I can post on a family board...all lost because of not being supervised, while I sat at home thinking "geez I need to buy more stuff for the kids to play with".

I never thought that MY dd was the type to just do crazy things like I found out they were doing, she was such an angel

I tell you from experience put a stop to this, there will be tears, tell her that she can spend all day long with her at your house and not hers...and see how long this friendship last.

The only way I found out about what was going on over there is another neighbor told me about my dd and the friend and two boys in the backyard shooting off firecrackers and from that day forward that was the end of that and now my dd is grown and I know ALL the story.

 

[nessz79]

Agreeing with the posts that suggest setting limits. For example, be home by 6 PM on school nights (and no more going back out after that), is very reasonable for this age.

Also, I would make going to her friend's house a privilege that can be revoked. For example, if she doesn't call and ask permission before going to the mall with her friend, no hanging out the next weekend.

I agree that it's very natural at this age for a girl to have a best friend that she spends much of her time with. I had one at that age. I wanted to spend the night with her all the time, and would want to spend the whole weekend with her if I could. My parents had to set limits. I could spend the night every other weekend. If I HAD to see my friend between then, she could spend the night at my house (since my Dad was strict about noise, her house was much more preferable).

I can understand your hurt feelings. My kids are still young, but I hope that their friends want to come to our house. I would just try to make your house as inviting as possible. Do they have an area that they could hang out with some privacy? That's pretty important at that age.

 

[delmar411]

With all due respect - you are paranoid. You let your daughter stay at these people's home for hours upon hours - and then worry about what can happen if there is a sleep over. Whatever "bad" things you think can happen during a sleepover can happen at 3pm.

You seem obsessed with this "witch hunt" philosophy. Yet, you don't even know the parents of the child your daughter is spending all this time with. You worry about being falsely accused by having children visit your home - and then you wonder why your daughter is spending all her time at someone else's?

Personally, you need to get a handle on why you react this way. I have three children (10, 15, 20). I have had children sleep over my house, have them sleep over others, mine even go to sleepaway camp for the summer. I can't live my life in fear that someone is going to sue me or create so much fear for my children that something will happen to them that they freeze up and have no life at all.

Life is too short. You educate them on how to protect themselves, you make your home welcoming to their friends (warts and all), you are involved in their life, completely. You seem to have an excuse for every single reason your daughter wants her friend along.

You haven't taken the time to get to know these other parents - how do you know your daughter hasn't told them my parents don't care where I am and that's why they didn't bother calling you? They have your daughter for hours upon hours without you even calling? Getting to know them? As a parent who is very involved with my kids - if I had a child here for that many hours without even a phone call from the parent, I'd figure the parent is neglectful, doesn't give a crap and I would make sure I provided a safe and caring environment for the child. If the parent of the child (who on the internet - claims to be so worried about the safety of her child that she doesn't allow sleepovers - yet let's her child be away from home for up to 40 hours a week) doesn't bother to contact me to check in and make sure my daughter is where she said she was, to see if she was safe - why should I reach out to that parent?

If you want a relationship with your daughter - you need to get over your paranoid fears of being falsely accused of watching the wrong TV show or whatever and make your home opening and welcome to her and her friends.

I know this is going to sound harsh - but I truly feel you are the only one that is at fault here. You are the parent.

This is JMHO.

Very well written. I also deleted a similar post last night because I didn't want the OP to feel attacked. But I completely agree with what you've written.

 

[wii fit mama]

I agree with the previous poster who talked about her 12 year old getting into trouble after school at her friends house. If your daughter spends all that time at their house, you need to get to know the parents better somehow and find out what they're doing when they're there and who is supervising them.

You should limit the hours she can spend there and there should be real consequences if she doesn't do what you say.

Also, I dislike sleepovers because dd is so grouchy when she gets home the next day but I do allow them occasionally and then they are a special treat. But I make sure I know the parents very well before I'll allow and dd knows that.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Very well written. I also deleted a similar post last night because I didn't want the OP to feel attacked. But I completely agree with what you've written.

I want to say I didn't want to seem judgmental - but the more I read, the more I really felt the need to respond.

I really, really think the OP has to get a handle on her very strong feelings about not allowing her home to be welcoming to her children's friends for fear of being falsely accused of something. If she does not allow her house to be the place her child wants to be at 13-18 - she's going to have some seriously huge issues to deal with. She also has to get a handle on talking with other parents - the best way to know what one's child is up to is to know as much as one can about everyone that child comes in contact with.

And, I can say from experience - that more of my friends lost their virginity or began smoking or experimenting with drugs with people they met through church youth groups than at those from school events or with school friends. I've often wondered if parents feeling this was a "safe" place often led to a more relaxed and unsupervised environment.

I hope the OP was not offended by what I said, but really finds a way to cope with her fears, communicate with her spouse and children, make her home (as simple as it may be) and open and loving place for her child and her friends to spend time in.

 

[sk!mom]

Her grades are excellent except for math, she's struggling. and they have after-school math help, free, and she never goes, because her friend doesn't go, she doesn't know anyone there, and she wants to come home to play with her friend. She's obsessed with this kid, and her grades (ok, grade) is suffering. I told her there is life without this friend, she can't just base everything on whether her friend is there or she isn't comfortable.

I hate to see her so wrapped around one kid. She doesn't even want to go to sunday School because she doesn't know anyone there. I told her the way to know people is to go, she can't meet people by sitting home, or playing with her friend all Sunday.

Well, we just set limits and stick with them, she knows she can have her friend but they're not joined at the hip! She needs to broaden her horizons and learn to live life without her "friend"

I would make staying for math help mandatory- no discussion. She stays or she is grounded and homebound. I also wouldn't put up with a lot of attitude.

Having said that, I have to honest you seem a bit paranoid and hysterical about this situation. A lot just doesn't add up for me. You don't allow sleepovers or a lot of friends over yet your DD is allowed to spend hours in the home of strangers. Weird double standard to me.

My DD is 12 and loves time with her friends. I am glad that she has many friends and not one obsessive friendship but my DD is involved in many activities that expand her friendships and keep her busy with well-supervised activites. Student Council, FCA, Ballet, Church youth group, School choir, etc... There isn't a lot of time left for just hanging out. My DD doesn't have time to see friends outside of school and these activities during the week. She goes to ballet straight from school 3 days a week, to youth group on Wed. evening, has student council at least once a week. Then she has homework. Is your DD involved in school or extracurricular activities?

I've found that at this age they want to be with friends and I like that DD gets to be with friends in these supervised activities rather than just hanging out. She has a some time for that on the weekends.

As far as sleepovers, as the adult in charge, I'm not a big fan but they are allowed.

 

[kathianne]

I think this answer speaks volumes to the situation at home. It seems that the stress of the financial situation, the impending lay off, just the teenage rules she doesn't like are playing into your dd not spending time at home.

My husband was layed off for 2 yrs I understand the stress and turmoil that causes in ones life. My kids rarely spend anytime with friends in our home. At times they have practically lived at other friends homes. I tried not to take it personally.....I realized the others had 6 or 7 times the space we had, 100x more toys and just stuff too do. The parents have the means to take the kid to movies, shopping and lunches at McD's that I just can't afford, I don't feel guilty cause I know the parents want to include my child and don't expect me to repay them. I on the other hand am very good friends with the parents and we all belong to the same church.

I think the stress of it all is really causing you to react and your dd is just reacting to the household stress and the easiest way for her is to get away as much as possible. It's not your fault that is just what happens when life throws you a curve ball. I would definitely make a solid attempt to get to know the parents and make sure the household is a safe one. Make sure you are fair in your judgment; remember this household may be completely different then yours and still be a safe environment.

As far as the clothes and keeping up with the jones go. your dd has to suck it up on this one. She doesn't have an option so I would give her the clothes and tell her that is what she has to wear and see how long it takes her to finally back down and wear clothes that fit properly.

In our house dinner if family time, we sit down to dinner almost everynight. I have a 17, 16, 15 and 11 yr old and we only miss a handful of nights a month that all of us aren't together. It makes a world of difference, I have 3 amazing teens. We have traded a strict dinner routine for full family nights because the teen social life and school commitments doesn't fit well with that.

I think you need to realize that this strong connection with this BFF is your dd's coping mechanism for the stress the family is going through. Don't blame your dd for running away because my guess is that if you could run away and not deal with it you would....I know I would have loved to stick my head in the sand for 2yrs. But as an adults that isn't a choice.

Try to build a bridge between you and the parents and understand your dd's need to have distance from a stressful stiuation the only way a pre-teen can. Don't take it personal - it's not your fault, it's not your dh's fault but it isn't your dd's fault it ....stuff happens.

Nice theory, but dh just got the news he's being laid off Friday. Just two days ago. This business of living in someone elses house has been going on for months now, so its not a reaction to the layoff. Besides, the layoff is someting that we all just have to suck up, that's how it goes, layoff or not, I'm not allowing my dd to just pick another family, which is essentially what she's doing.

 

[SLK1]

Sounds like maybe you need to talk more - more to your daughter, more to her friend, and more to the friend's parents. Stand up for yourself, for your desires and expectations, and for what the consequences will be when your rules are not followed. Have a mandatory "play date" (I know you don't call them that when they're 12!), and make it fun - not by buying things, but by just easing up. Let them sit in your daughter's room and talk, make sure they feel welcome to the snacks and drinks, and don't hover.

I feel for you, I really do. My own 12yo is going through similar things - trying to find her independence, and I notice she acts differently around her friends, but I also have a reputation of being the strict mom, the one who doesn't let her kid do "everything everyone else is doing". I don't mind...I've had many other parents come up to me and thank me for saying no to a particular activity - it opened the door for them to in turn say no, when they were otherwise saying yes but not feeling very good about it. So, being the one who has rules and boundaries isn't a bad thing necessarily!

Hang in there. We are all pretty stupid in our kids' eyes until they turn about 23, right?!

 

[EveDallas]

Am I being unreasonable? Advice, suggestions, please!

Why ask if you don't want to know what others think? All you seem to be doing is getting angry and defending your position. You have every right as a parent to make the rules for your own kids, but why bother asking for other opinions when you obviously don't want them?

 

[cruellababy]

I have to agree; you're asking for opinions and then get cranky when you're reading ideas that you don't like.
You need to stop being jealous of your DD's BFF-
You need to reign in the negativity re DD's BFF-she knows you feel this way; and like all teenagers is feeding on that.
If it's important to you that she attends the after-school extra help for math; use that as a negotiating tactic. And if she gets a great grade maybe you should rethink the sleepover rule. Girls that age from now till back in the olden days had sleepovers.
And you complain that the girl when she is in your home stays for a minimum amount of time; yet when you had the oppurtunity to get to know this girl better/and study the dynamics between her and your DD-you balked. It would have been a perfect way when you were away for your weekend vaca; you probably would have had to only forgo 1 planned activity to make up for the extra expense of this girl being w you.
I have always had a ton of teenagers at my house-Dstep-son 20;DD 16- all her friends are here all the time. We have taken the kids friends on cruises to WDW etc w us.
If you continue your hardnose stance/ free-flow of negativity your DD will likely end up even further alienated from you.
And there are tons of free activities that your family and your DD's BFF can do together-it just sounds like you're loooking for an excuse not to.

 

[zurgswife]

Nice theory, but dh just got the news he's being laid off Friday. Just two days ago. This business of living in someone elses house has been going on for months now, so its not a reaction to the layoff. Besides, the layoff is someting that we all just have to suck up, that's how it goes, layoff or not, I'm not allowing my dd to just pick another family, which is essentially what she's doing.

Ok...then I completely agree with FinallyBoughtDVC's post you need to look at the entire picture.