DD spends too much time at friends house?

[java]

I grew up with a mother not allowing sleepovers ever. I hated her for it. Sleepovers are just more time for giggling and girl talk. At 12 it still is innocent and fun.
I'm all for sleepovers if there is supervision. My daughter loves them and it gives her the feeling that I trust her.

I wanted to add that as a child I too spent hours at my friends house. Mrs. M took care of me and treated me like a daughter and wasn't nearly as overbearing or critical as my mother was. It was just easier at their house.

Now I wouldn't allow her to spend 6 hours at someone's house. And she would be grounded if she went to the mall with someone without telling me. Why didn't your daughter call you? to ask?
How are her grades? Is she studying if she is playing after school everyday? My 11 year old isn't allowed to hang out during the week.

Now that being said my son(*14) does have a friend that he is very close to and has been since 3rd grade. We are very good friends of the family though and it goes both ways- he goes there and they come here. It's the balance that's missing in your daughter's friendship.

 

[kathianne]

Also we went on a little trip last weekend, one night in a hotel, dd wanted he friend to come along. Well, our budget is tight, we couldn't afford to go all the places we went if we had another kid in tow and I felt awkward asking the parents to pay her share, but also along the same lines as no sleepovers, we're not having someone else's kid sleeping in the same hotel room, there's a privacy issue, and in this "witch hunt" society its not wise to put yourself in a potentially vunerable situation.

I am getting annoyed that our family is being turned around because of this friendship. Its ok to have a BF, I did, but we didn't live at each others houses and go on family trips with each other.

 

[kathianne]

I grew up with a mother not allowing sleepovers ever. I hated her for it. Sleepovers are just more time for giggling and girl talk. At 12 it still is innocent and fun.
I'm all for sleepovers if there is supervision. My daughter loves them and it gives her the feeling that I trust her.
Now I wouldn't allow her to spend 6 hours at someone's house. And she would be grounded if she went to the mall with someone without telling me. Why didn't your daughter call you? to ask?
How are her grades? Is she studying if she is playing after school everyday? My 11 year old isn't allowed to hang out during the week.

Now that being said my son(*14) does have a friend that he is very close to and has been since 3rd grade. We are very good friends of the family though and it goes both ways- he goes there and they come here. It's the balance that's missing in your daughter's friendship.

Her grades are excellent except for math, she's struggling. and they have after-school math help, free, and she never goes, because her friend doesn't go, she doesn't know anyone there, and she wants to come home to play with her friend. She's obsessed with this kid, and her grades (ok, grade) is suffering. I told her there is life without this friend, she can't just base everything on whether her friend is there or she isn't comfortable.

I hate to see her so wrapped around one kid. She doesn't even want to go to sunday School because she doesn't know anyone there. I told her the way to know people is to go, she can't meet people by sitting home, or playing with her friend all Sunday.

Well, we just set limits and stick with them, she knows she can have her friend but they're not joined at the hip! She needs to broaden her horizons and learn to live life without her "friend"

 

[genius118899]

I think that you're overreacting, to an extent. Yes, no one should take your child anywhere without permission. But the fact that you don't allow sleepovers, at your house or otherwise, makes me think that she's rebelling against you being overly strict. I can't imagine my childhood without those random nights staying up til 2 in the morning, hopped up on sugar and giggling.

 

[java]

It's time to get busy.

Rule number one
She has to stay for math help. It's not social hour. If she doesn't know anyone oh well. Until her grade improves. That's important.

And I would be busy busy busy- family day trips, ect. When ds started hanging around a less than desirable friend I just kept us very busy- I didn't fight with him or forbid to hang out with friend I just came up with better ideas.

I looked up Anawa. And honestly I had never heard of it. Is it the religious things that she is having issues with? Perhaps plan other things like trips to the Aquarium or the Zoo or go hiking. You're the mom and you set the rules. I say after the mall trip- I would be setting serious limits. She may pout for awhile but she needs to learn give and take.

 

[KirstenB]

1. try to ease up on your dd. I had a BFF who's family had a big house, they had more money than my family, etc. In short, there were fun things to do that we didn't have at my house. Lots more board games, cable tv, good snacks etc. Also, remember how much fun it was to go to anyone's house when you were a kid...they had different games, rituals, snacks, etc. It was a chance to branch out a little bit.

2. I probably won't change your mind about sleepovers...but my 10 yr old has loved them for 3 yrs. The kids get a little independence, but they're still safe at home. Our dd is the world's pickiest eater. She won't eat squat at home...but go figure...she'll eat pesto with pasta as long as her friend's mom makes it. She gets to try different breakfast foods...they watch movies, or play games half the night...so what!! It's an easy way to give some freedom while still having them right under your roof (or their friends

 

[kathianne]

It's time to get busy.

Rule number one
She has to stay for math help. It's not social hour. If she doesn't know anyone oh well. Until her grade improves. That's important.

And I would be busy busy busy- family day trips, ect. When ds started hanging around a less than desirable friend I just kept us very busy- I didn't fight with him or forbid to hang out with friend I just came up with better ideas.

I looked up Anawa. And honestly I had never heard of it. Is it the religious things that she is having issues with? Perhaps plan other things like trips to the Aquarium or the Zoo or go hiking. You're the mom and you set the rules. I say after the mall trip- I would be setting serious limits. She may pout for awhile but she needs to learn give and take.

Awana is a very well known religious organization, its part of her religion, so we go, just like Sunday School. Also its low cost, visits to zooa, aquariums, etc are costly and far away.

 

[java]

Awana is a very well known religious organization, its part of her religion, so we go, just like Sunday School.

where do you live? really I am not trying to insult your religion at all I just had never heard of it here in the North East.
I'm not saying don't do that- do that on Sunday - but maybe family movie night on Friday?

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

OP - you are absolutely not overeacting about the other parent taking your child to the mall without your permission BUT that should be an issue you take up with your child first. If your child knows the rule is to call and ask first then she needs to be punished for breaking the rule.

As far as spending so much time with 1 friend, well that is just part of being a teenage girl. It sounds like you are jealous of the attention your DD is giving to her BFF and the other Mom. Try to find something that you and your DD can do together that your DD would enjoy. Limit the time spent at her friend's house but don't stop it all together. The more you try to tighten the reins on your child the more she will rebel.

Our house is the house where all the kids congregate. Honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. Yes sometimes it is costly and out of our budget to feed a gaggle of teenagers but we do it anyway. The kids were out of school on Friday so on Thursday I had 7 teenage girls at my house and 5 of them spent the nite. I didn't mind a bit as long as they behaved and cleaned up any messes they made.

DD14's BFF is like one of our own kids - she is over here all the time. We keep her favorite snacks in the house and she also has to follow the house rules. We include her if we go out to eat and she is over.

I have never understood the "no sleepovers" rule. Another of DDs friends has parents that forbid it and it really causes that child SO much grief. She is excluded from many fun get togethers with friends because her parents dont allow her to spend the nite out. One nite last winter this child was at our house for DD's sleepover birthday party with 4 other girls but the parents came to pick up the child at 130am in a snowstorm because of their "no spending the nite out" rule.

Oh, also wanted to add. DD's BFF is very embarrassed to have anyone over at her home and I am sure that is 1 reason why she is over at our house so much. Her Mom is a chain smoker and their house just reeks of smoke. Their house is also very messy and cluttered and that is a source of embarrassment for their child. I am not saying there is anything wrong with your home but perhaps have a calm heart to heart with your child and tell her how you are feeling and ask her why she doesn't want to spend time at home. Listen with an open mind.

 

[SLK1]

In reading these posts, you keep saying money is tight, you can't afford things, etc. These are very trying times for many people, and your daughter might feel that stress too. As unfortunate as it is, that age gets their identity sometimes by what they have, what their parents can afford, etc. So, she may resent the tight budget and clothes that aren't designer stuff, etc. As one PP stated, it's just "easier" at the other girl's house - maybe no financial stress, etc., plus you are very hurt (IMO very rightfully so), so she is probably feeling stress and tension from that too.

You have to remember that you are the parent. Don't completely cut her off from her friend, but make a "deal" of sorts - it's like limiting TV time, or making a minimum of 30 minutes a night of reading - you make the perameters of the deal.

As an aside, we hate sleepovers too - it's disruptive, the kids don't sleep so they're bears the next day, I've had too many "I want to go home at 3 AM"'s, etc., etc., but tonight, my two daughters each have a friend sleeping over!!!

 

[ksumn1]

I think that you are being a little too strict about the sleepover thing. You are the parent and you set the rules. I would sit DD down and have a talk to her about the situation. Ask her why she likes the other girls house so much. Are they less strict, have more video games, does the other girl have an awesome bedroom......or does she feel that you would be too nosy and interfering if the BFF came to your house. Be prepared for her to say "Ummm, I just do: and not really answered. But at least you try. Tell her that you WILL be calling the BFF's Mom and having a talk with her. You don't feel comfortable with her being there so much until you get to know the other family a little better. Let your DD know that like ot or not, things are going to change. IF she wants to spend time with BFF she will have to meet the following conditions
1. Attend Math tutoring after school (non negotiable)
2. All chores, homework etc must be done AT HOME before she's allowed to leave to go anywhere
3. Set a firm return time. Be home at 6:30 and you will eat dinner with us, not BFF's UNLESS you call and ask 1st
4. Sunday is family day and time for AWANA activities.
5. After you have spoken with BFF's Mom, let DD go back over there if you feel comfortable with what you find out from Mom. But that your DD and BFF will alternate time spent at each others house. Only 2 days at BFF's house, if BFF wants to come to your house the other 2 days and hang out, great.

Do your best to make her feel welcome and comfortable. Don't let them break the rules but try to be a little less strict. I think maybe your DD feels that the other Mom may be cooler, or less strict, or maybe she is less watchful and YOU should be concerned. But I think at this point that you NEED to talk to the other parent. Tell her the girls are great friends and I just wanted to get to know YOU better since my DD spends so much time at your house.

FYI. It doesn't get any better!!!

I remember being a totally bratty, argumentative teenager who really didn't get along with my Mom. SHe was strict and I really felt that I couldn't talk to her about anything. My friends, school, boyfriends, sex, my BFF....and I don't want that for you and your DD. Be a parent but also make sure you try to keep those lines of communication open. Good luck!!!

 

[kathianne]

In reading these posts, you keep saying money is tight, you can't afford things, etc. These are very trying times for many people, and your daughter might feel that stress too. As unfortunate as it is, that age gets their identity sometimes by what they have, what their parents can afford, etc. So, she may resent the tight budget and clothes that aren't designer stuff, etc. As one PP stated, it's just "easier" at the other girl's house - maybe no financial stress, etc., plus you are very hurt (IMO very rightfully so), so she is probably feeling stress and tension from that too.

You have to remember that you are the parent. Don't completely cut her off from her friend, but make a "deal" of sorts - it's like limiting TV time, or making a minimum of 30 minutes a night of reading - you make the perameters of the deal.

As an aside, we hate sleepovers too - it's disruptive, the kids don't sleep so they're bears the next day, I've had too many "I want to go home at 3 AM"'s, etc., etc., but tonight, my two daughters each have a friend sleeping over!!!

Yes, that's right, money's tight--my husband is being laid off in two weeks, so excuse me if we don't buy designer clothes, designer bedrooms, etc. That's the way it is! I guess we're just miserable failures in dd's eyes, hey, I can see her point! Unemployment is stressful enough without feeling like we can't keep up socially. Perhaps we should just let these people adopt dd, after all, they wouldn't notice any difference, she practically lives there anyways!

 

[dougsmom98]

where do you live? really I am not trying to insult your religion at all I just had never heard of it here in the North East.
I'm not saying don't do that- do that on Sunday - but maybe family movie night on Friday?

There is a church in my town that has Awana. I live in Maine. I have heard it is really fun.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

Well if it were me, I'd let her go over either 2 or 3 times during the week for an hour or two - but make sure your DD knows she needs to be in by dinner because it's family time. OR go one day there, and the friend come to your house one day. I may also forewarn DD a week or so before Thanksgiving not to ask to go over, because she will be staying home on Thanksgiving. Get the pouting overwith early on if possible.

 

[jellybeans0607]

I didn't read all the replies, sorry they were al so long and I am a bit hung over this morning

But

This sounds so normal to me. In fact it sounds like my 8yo daughter. Except for her its a froup of 3 girls, but they are always at the same persons house or in her yard or riding bikes in front of her house. I also care for a 13yo and she's almost never home, but shes a really good kid and knows her bounderies.

Have you thought that maybe it isn't your daughter not wanting to be home, but rather the other girl liking her home better? I know thats the case in this neighborhood, the one little girl just prefers to play at home, I don't know why.

what I don't understand is why you haven't made yourself more prevelaint in their home? If my kid was there you'd bet your life i'd be around, poping in for this and that.

For me, I don't think its anything to worry about, unless your daughter is showing signs that something might be wrong.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm concerned for my dd, that she will be hurt by spending all her time with one friend. If that friend suddenly drops her, or has other plans, my dd is left high and dry. she needs some other friends.

Also, the involvement affects my child's interraction with other activities. suddenly she doesn't want to do anything if it doesn't involve this other child. I went through a lot to get her piano lessons, they start next week, dd didn't want to go because she "doesn't know anyone there" Well, my dh is being laid off, so piano lessons are something we cut out for now, anyways.

I hate to see her limit herself like that. If my "friend" doesn't go, I don't go is her attitude. All her eggs are in one basket.

Also, I bought dd some clothes at the Goodwill yesterday. Like I said, we're on a tight budget. There are really nice, some still have tags on, but she blew up and said "all her friends" (umm......I thought she just had the one friend?) shop at Justice for Girls. Well, sweetie, I can't afford to spend $40+ for one little blouse, she needed long sleeve shirts, I was quite thrilled with my finds, all quite nice, not "second-hand rose" Well, I'm cutting back on myself as well, I don't have anything new, can make do, she has outgrown her clothes, but I can't be expected to join the tween girls fashion parade!

I told her if she disliked the clothes we could donate them back to the GW, but on second thought she needs winter clothes, so that's it, take it or leave it.

Honestly, your dd sounds SO normal. It's hard, but this is the time when they start to break away from you. Dd12 is the oldest of 5, but it's hard when she insists on hanging in her room (3rd floor) instead of watching TV with the family, or participating in family game night. There is no way I'd buy her clothes without having here there - even designer stuff. She definately has her own opinions on what she wears. Last year, I did buy her lots off of ebay (Abercrombie, Justice, AE), but she sat at the computer with me. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes she doesn't - I just make the most of the time when she wants to hang out with me.

As much as I cherish the times when she acts like a little girl, and lets me mommy here, I also love seeing her become more independent, more mature. Last night she babysat for me - only an hour, but she did put my 5 year olds to bed. She's old enough to go to the grocery store for a few items, and she is young enough to enjoy doing errands like that.

Poor thing - she's my first, and I'm sure I'm going to screw this up a bit!

 

[Magic Mom]

Could it be that the friend is really shy and only feels comfortable at home, meaning your DD has to be there if she wantd to spend time with the girl.

Or it could also be that the friends house is more fun (more video games, more jumk food etc), or that the friend's mom is less hovering, or that DD just needs some independent time?

One thing I noticed from your post is that you "want" things to happen, but you don't set rules and enforce them. If I ask my kids to be home at dinner, and they don't come home and eat somewhere else instead, there's a punishment involved, not wrining my hands worrying about what parents they like more. Set your rules and tell your DD, then be prepared to enforce them.

If you are really worried call the other mom and tell her you would like to see the girls spend time at your house too, and offer a loose schedule.

That's an accurate way of describing it---the "other" parent. I admit, I'm somewhat hurt my child prefers to spend time with someone else, we used to be so close, now she hardly give me the time of day. The "other parent' is almost like haveing "another woman" in my life. She has her daughter, let me have mine!

I don't mind a friendship, but she's practically taken my child away! She spends every waking minute there, and any suggestions I have for family activities she scorns in favor of hanging with her friend. Sadly, movies, park, shopping, she doesn't care to do with us anymore, then I just found out she went to the mall yesterday with this kid and her mother. Hello........she has parents, just as a courtesy ASK the PARENTS first before taking them in a car trip. I need to know where my child is, if I think she's at a friend's house and she's off to the mall, then I don't know where MY child is, do I?

I would NEVER have the nerve to just take another kid along without asking/informing the parents first.

 

[zurgswife]

Yes, that's right, money's tight--my husband is being laid off in two weeks, so excuse me if we don't buy designer clothes, designer bedrooms, etc. That's the way it is! I guess we're just miserable failures in dd's eyes, hey, I can see her point! Unemployment is stressful enough without feeling like we can't keep up socially. Perhaps we should just let these people adopt dd, after all, they wouldn't notice any difference, she practically lives there anyways!

I think this answer speaks volumes to the situation at home. It seems that the stress of the financial situation, the impending lay off, just the teenage rules she doesn't like are playing into your dd not spending time at home.

My husband was layed off for 2 yrs I understand the stress and turmoil that causes in ones life. My kids rarely spend anytime with friends in our home. At times they have practically lived at other friends homes. I tried not to take it personally.....I realized the others had 6 or 7 times the space we had, 100x more toys and just stuff too do. The parents have the means to take the kid to movies, shopping and lunches at McD's that I just can't afford, I don't feel guilty cause I know the parents want to include my child and don't expect me to repay them. I on the other hand am very good friends with the parents and we all belong to the same church.

I think the stress of it all is really causing you to react and your dd is just reacting to the household stress and the easiest way for her is to get away as much as possible. It's not your fault that is just what happens when life throws you a curve ball. I would definitely make a solid attempt to get to know the parents and make sure the household is a safe one. Make sure you are fair in your judgment; remember this household may be completely different then yours and still be a safe environment.

As far as the clothes and keeping up with the jones go. your dd has to suck it up on this one. She doesn't have an option so I would give her the clothes and tell her that is what she has to wear and see how long it takes her to finally back down and wear clothes that fit properly.

In our house dinner if family time, we sit down to dinner almost everynight. I have a 17, 16, 15 and 11 yr old and we only miss a handful of nights a month that all of us aren't together. It makes a world of difference, I have 3 amazing teens. We have traded a strict dinner routine for full family nights because the teen social life and school commitments doesn't fit well with that.

I think you need to realize that this strong connection with this BFF is your dd's coping mechanism for the stress the family is going through. Don't blame your dd for running away because my guess is that if you could run away and not deal with it you would....I know I would have loved to stick my head in the sand for 2yrs. But as an adults that isn't a choice.

Try to build a bridge between you and the parents and understand your dd's need to have distance from a stressful stiuation the only way a pre-teen can. Don't take it personal - it's not your fault, it's not your dh's fault but it isn't your dd's fault it ....stuff happens.

 

[SLK1]

I think this answer speaks volumes to the situation at home. It seems that the stress of the financial situation, the impending lay off, just the teenage rules she doesn't like are playing into your dd not spending time at home.

My husband was layed off for 2 yrs I understand the stress and turmoil that causes in ones life. My kids rarely spend anytime with friends in our home. At times they have practically lived at other friends homes. I tried not to take it personally.....I realized the others had 6 or 7 times the space we had, 100x more toys and just stuff too do. I on the other hand am very good friends with the parents and we all belong to the same church.

I think the stress of it all is really causing you to react and your dd is just reacting to the household stress and the easiest way for her is to get away as much as possible. It's not your fault that is just what happens when life throws you a curve ball. I would definitely make a solid attempt to get to know the parents and make sure the household is a safe one. Make sure you are fair in your judgment; remember this household may be completely different then yours and still be a safe environment.

As far as the clothes and keeping up with the jones go. your dd has to suck it up on this one. She doesn't have an option so I would give her the clothes and tell her that is what she has to wear and see how long it takes her to finally back down and wear clothes that fit properly.

In our house dinner if family time, we sit down to dinner almost everynight. I have a 17, 16, 15 and 11 yr old and we only miss a handful of nights a month that all of us aren't together. It makes a world of difference, I have 3 amazing teens. We have traded a strict dinner routine for full family nights because the teen social life and school commitments doesn't fit well with that.

I think you need to realize that this strong connection with this BFF is your dd's coping mechanism for the stress the family is going through. Don't blame your dd for running away because my guess is that if you could run away and not deal with it you would....I know I would have loved to stick my head in the sand for 2yrs. But as an adults that isn't a choice.

Try to build a bridge between you and the parents and understand your dd's need to have distance from a stressful stiuation the only way a pre-teen can. Don't take it personal - it's not your fault, it's not your dh's fault but it isn't your dd's fault it ....stuff happens.

Great post, especially since I think the OP thought I was criticizing her for the financial stress. You're doing your best, and you really can't expect a pre-teen to understand the stress you're under - it's not their job to understand it. Another poster said the other child just might be more comfortable in her own home...some kids are afraid to be away or are too shy to spend time anywhere else. However, you really need to insist your daughter spend time at home - even if she's miserable and pouts and takes it out on you, all your points are valid, and YOU ARE THE MOTHER, so YOU make the decisions.

I posted last night that I hate sleepovers, but I had two kids sleeping over anyway. Well guess what...the 7 yo friend got up at 2:48 AM and wanted to go home!!!!! Reinforces why I absolutely hate them...

 

[toystorymom]

I agree with both sides of this situation. Yes, I think what your daughter is doing is totally normal for a 12 year old, yet I also see why you are concerned.

As you said, you are the parent. That means it is time for you to set some rules. Number one, I would make the staying after for math mandatory. She doesn't stay, she doesn't get to go out to her friend's instead. Second, set some rules for going over the friends house. Maybe chores have to be done first, then she can go. Set a time she has to be home for dinner and be firm. If your time is 5:30, and she is not home, she does not go over the next day. And stick to it! It will only take a couple times, she will catch on quick. Also let your dd know that there are certain times set aside for family, Sundays, holidays, etc. You feel strongly about this, so make it non-negotiable.

It sounds like they have been friends for awhile so I'm wondering why you don't know her parents better. Above all, I would call her mother and try to get to know her, is she home during all these visits, a bit about her rules, etc. Often, on weekend nights we'll get together with one of our kid's friends families, pick one of the houses, someone makes a salad, someone makes a dessert, pitch in for some pizza or throw burgers on the grill - nothing extravagant. The kids get to play, the parents get some adult conversation. Fun night for everyone. And, you will get to see how the girls interact with each other, and how the parents interact with their own daughter and yours.

As for sleepovers - it is a tough one. Personally, I hate them. The kids never get enough sleep and I suffer for it the next day. But, I do occasionally allow them because I remember them from my youth. All girl talk, scary stories, and lots of giggling. They were definitely so much fun.

Good luck. My oldest is turning 12 next week. It's a tough time, I'm afraid it's not going to get easier for many years!