DD spends too much time at friends house?

[HeatherPage]

I think you need to let it her know who the parent is here and actually enforce your rules (or at least to a better extent than it sounds like you have been).

Good luck to you.

 

[C.Ann]

My dd, age 12, has a friend in the neighborhood. I'm concerned that she spends way too much time at her friend's house.

She practically lives there! She's there for 2-3 hours every day after school, and all but moves in on weekends. She was there today for 6 hours, we had to call her to come home, and now she's pouting, too bad.

She's had this friend for about a year, its turning from a friendship into an obsession. Also, I don't really know the parents. We've met briefly one time, they seem ok, that's it.

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I'm a bit concerned that your DD is practically "living" at this other child's house and you "don't really know the parents" and have only "briefly met one time"..

This would never fly with my DGD (10 years old).. She isn't allowed to spend time at other childrens homes until DD and her DH have met both parents, spent a reasonable amount of time getting to know them, and have been time inside the friends home..

There is something there that appeals to her, but considering you don't know even know the parents, you have no idea what is going on there..
Maybe you could start by getting to know the parents, dropping by when your child is there, and seeing for yourself just what is so appealing that your DD would rather be there as opposed to having her friend over to your home more often..

 

[timzagain]

I can empathize with the OP - both my DD's (age 10 & 16) would practically move in at their best friends' houses, if I'd let them! It took some getting used to! But I limit their time at their friends' houses - absolutely no school nights (not feasible with swim practice and homework) and maybe the occasional weekend. The best friends can also sleepover once in a while. We include the friends in the occasional family activity too.

The stepchildren (especially stepson) were granted entirely too much freedom (not my idea, I might add) and it proved to be a disaster - long story that I won't get into here.

I learned to be a lot more cautious with sleepovers. When older DD was about 8, I allowed to her and my stepdaughter of the same age to sleep over at a friend's house with the understanding that I would pick them up at between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. after I finished work. (It was during the school Christmas break - school night sleepovers are a no-no!)

During the late afternoon, DD called me three times with in the space of an hour with some odd requests. My alarm bells went off and I left work immediately and went to the friend's house.

When I got there, I discovered 4 very scared, defenceless little girls in the house alone and it is now dark outside. The host mom left the house since about 10 am and had not been back home. Except for a brief stint where she left one of her male employees to keep an eye on the kids, the girls were left unfed and unsupervised for HOURS! I called the mom of the other visiting friend to let her know what was going on. I was quite prepared to take the visiting friend home too, but HER mom was too busy with her "rendezvous" with her boyfriend! She didn't want me to bring her daughter home!

Much as I wanted to snatch up my two girls and go home, I could not in all good conscience, leave two 8 year olds in a house alone at night! So I stayed there for another 45 mins and then the host dad shows up, and he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the fact that these 4 kids were unsupervised for almost the whole day! I don't think he's ever going to forget the tongue-lashing I gave him! The girls didn't call earlier because they knew I would have been very angry! I had to add "you must call if you are left alone at your friend's house" to the list of rules! It never occured to me to spell that out, but it never crossed my mind as a possibility!

The host mom called me TWO WEEKS LATER to explain. I can't remember the excuse, 'cause I just dismissed it - it wasn't a life-or-death emergency which to me would have been the only acceptable excuse! I still can't fathom why she didn't call. DH and I were all 5 - 10 minutes away, and would have been there promptly had we known what was going on.

Needless to say, our girls were NEVER allowed to go to that house again. Turns out there were some domestic violence issues there too, but thankfully my kids were not exposed to it!

 

[disneybound2010]

I thought I would jump into this conversation. Hope it's ok

I was very much like your daughter. I met my BFF when I was 13 and she was 16. We were immediately thisclose and I pretty much lived at her house. My mother HATED it. She didn't know the "other mother" very well at all and like you was very concerned about me spending so much time with them. The one thing I can say is that the harder my Mom pushed me to spend less time away from her, the more I wanted to be over there.Mom was also concerned about me having no other friends. I did and I would spend time with them moreso at school or other events, but it wasn't the same closeness I had with BFF. Sometimes, we just connect with someone and that bond is tight.

Have you tried to invite the OM over for coffee or maybe you could make plans to get together with them and your daughter and have a girls day out? This would give you the chance to get to know both of them a little better and the girls could have fun outside of the houses. Just a couple of ideas.

For the record, I can say that I am still as close to my friend now as I was 15 years ago. We even became roommates in college. She lives on the other side of the country now, but that bond is still there.

 

[Dazer22]

I also need to add my 2 cents as the mother of a tween who is branching out.

Too me it feels like you are essentially giving up some control as soon as they spend all day at someones house or sleep over at someones house. You try to cover all the possible scenarios ( i.e. if you leave the house to go to mall please call, or if you are left unsupervised please call) but as an inexperieced parent of a tween if seems as if there is the possibility of some curve ball that you were not expecting as the previous posters mentioned.

It is this loss of control that scares me. I really don't know if my daughter will be supervised the same way she would be surpervised if she were at our home.

New house, new rules or no rules. Its hard to know. You would really have to know the parents well.

BTW I too am one of the dying breed of strict and overly careful moms.

 

[jellybeans0607]

BTW I too am one of the dying breed of strict and overly careful moms.

Do you really think it's a dying breed? I think parents have become over bearing to the point of hovering now a days. From my point of view it seems todays parents are trying to live their childrens lives for them. Which makes it really hard for parents like me. I give my children many freedoms, normal things that kids their age should be doing. Then i'm called neglegent because I don't hold my childs hand all day long.

 

[NMAmy]

It is this loss of control that scares me. I really don't know if my daughter will be supervised the same way she would be surpervised if she were at our home.

What I meant to mention in my first post but forgot was that I put the responsibility on my dd. If she changed locations, she was to call me to let me know. We even had a code worked out so that if she was uncomfortable and wanted to come home without letting the friend know, I would come up with some kind of "emergency" where she needed to be home. If my dd had gone to the mall without letting me know first, she'd have been grounded.

It worked pretty well. She's 17 now and I had to laugh this summer when she spent the night with a friend and then called me the next morning to ask if it was ok if they went to Starbuck's which was just around the corner. I just have this image of her as an adult calling to tell me she's taking her kids to school and will be back home in 20 minutes. It was ingrained in her that this was the rule and although I'm more lax with her during the day now that she's nearly 18 and will be an adult in a couple of weeks, she'll still call me to tell me where she's going because that was the rule for so many years.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What I meant to mention in my first post but forgot was that I put the responsibility on my dd. If she changed locations, she was to call me to let me know. We even had a code worked out so that if she was uncomfortable and wanted to come home without letting the friend know, I would come up with some kind of "emergency" where she needed to be home. If my dd had gone to the mall without letting me know first, she'd have been grounded.

It worked pretty well. She's 17 now and I had to laugh this summer when she spent the night with a friend and then called me the next morning to ask if it was ok if they went to Starbuck's which was just around the corner. I just have this image of her as an adult calling to tell me she's taking her kids to school and will be back home in 20 minutes. It was ingrained in her that this was the rule and although I'm more lax with her during the day now that she's nearly 18 and will be an adult in a couple of weeks, she'll still call me to tell me where she's going because that was the rule for so many years.

We had the same kind of rules growing up. Wherever we were we better call home and let our parents know. Of course we got dropped off and there were no cell phones. So if you got dropped off as Mary's house and then ended up at Suzy's house you better call home to ask first. Otherwise you will not be going anywhere.

 

[jellybeans0607]

What I meant to mention in my first post but forgot was that I put the responsibility on my dd. If she changed locations, she was to call me to let me know. We even had a code worked out so that if she was uncomfortable and wanted to come home without letting the friend know, I would come up with some kind of "emergency" where she needed to be home. If my dd had gone to the mall without letting me know first, she'd have been grounded.

It worked pretty well. She's 17 now and I had to laugh this summer when she spent the night with a friend and then called me the next morning to ask if it was ok if they went to Starbuck's which was just around the corner. I just have this image of her as an adult calling to tell me she's taking her kids to school and will be back home in 20 minutes. It was ingrained in her that this was the rule and although I'm more lax with her during the day now that she's nearly 18 and will be an adult in a couple of weeks, she'll still call me to tell me where she's going because that was the rule for so many years.

This is exactly what we do. My 8yo daughter knows she needs to call if she wants to go somewhere else in the neighborhood. One time she didn't, I went to the friends house to get her to bring her home and that dad had decided to take all the neighborhood kids for a walk. She was grounded for a week. I didn't speak to the dad about it, he doesn't know our rules and it was her job to call me.

 

[jellybeans0607]

double

 

[mjkacmom]

What I meant to mention in my first post but forgot was that I put the responsibility on my dd. If she changed locations, she was to call me to let me know. We even had a code worked out so that if she was uncomfortable and wanted to come home without letting the friend know, I would come up with some kind of "emergency" where she needed to be home. If my dd had gone to the mall without letting me know first, she'd have been grounded.

It worked pretty well. She's 17 now and I had to laugh this summer when she spent the night with a friend and then called me the next morning to ask if it was ok if they went to Starbuck's which was just around the corner. I just have this image of her as an adult calling to tell me she's taking her kids to school and will be back home in 20 minutes. It was ingrained in her that this was the rule and although I'm more lax with her during the day now that she's nearly 18 and will be an adult in a couple of weeks, she'll still call me to tell me where she's going because that was the rule for so many years.

That's our rule, too. Dd12 and ds10 have cellphones (ds just gets it when he's going to be out without adult supervision), and they know they are responsible for calling me if their locations changes (which can mean a lot of calls from ds10, because they move around a lot). I wouldn't expect a call from the friend's parent at this age. Ds is so cute - he calls me after school, to tell me he's coming home!

 

[MichelleVW]

What I meant to mention in my first post but forgot was that I put the responsibility on my dd. If she changed locations, she was to call me to let me know. We even had a code worked out so that if she was uncomfortable and wanted to come home without letting the friend know, I would come up with some kind of "emergency" where she needed to be home. If my dd had gone to the mall without letting me know first, she'd have been grounded.

It worked pretty well. She's 17 now and I had to laugh this summer when she spent the night with a friend and then called me the next morning to ask if it was ok if they went to Starbuck's which was just around the corner. I just have this image of her as an adult calling to tell me she's taking her kids to school and will be back home in 20 minutes. It was ingrained in her that this was the rule and although I'm more lax with her during the day now that she's nearly 18 and will be an adult in a couple of weeks, she'll still call me to tell me where she's going because that was the rule for so many years.

My DD17 is the same way, it cracks me up. She went to Europe when she was 14 with the People to People organization. They weren't allowed to use the phone right away when they got there and she was freaked out because she was used to calling me whenever she got somewhere. I told her, "it's not big deal, the organization let us know that you got there safe". She said, "But MOM, I'm SUPPOSED to call you when I get somewhere and it drove me crazy that I couldn't!!!" I've trained her well!!

She is a good kid and has alot of freedom now, but I do like when she calls me to tell me she is on her way home. We live off a scary highway so I like to have a time estimate of when she will be walking in the door. Keeps the worrying down to a minimun!

 

[Hannahsmom]

Do you really think it's a dying breed? I think parents have become over bearing to the point of hovering now a days. From my point of view it seems todays parents are trying to live their childrens lives for them. Which makes it really hard for parents like me. I give my children many freedoms, normal things that kids their age should be doing. Then i'm called neglegent because I don't hold my childs hand all day long.

You're not alone, I feel the same way. The philosophy is termed "Benevolent Neglect".

 

[Tricia819]

I can empathize with the OP - both my DD's (age 10 & 16) would practically move in at their best friends' houses, if I'd let them! It took some getting used to! But I limit their time at their friends' houses - absolutely no school nights (not feasible with swim practice and homework) and maybe the occasional weekend. The best friends can also sleepover once in a while. We include the friends in the occasional family activity too.

The stepchildren (especially stepson) were granted entirely too much freedom (not my idea, I might add) and it proved to be a disaster - long story that I won't get into here.

I learned to be a lot more cautious with sleepovers. When older DD was about 8, I allowed to her and my stepdaughter of the same age to sleep over at a friend's house with the understanding that I would pick them up at between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. after I finished work. (It was during the school Christmas break - school night sleepovers are a no-no!)

During the late afternoon, DD called me three times with in the space of an hour with some odd requests. My alarm bells went off and I left work immediately and went to the friend's house.

When I got there, I discovered 4 very scared, defenceless little girls in the house alone and it is now dark outside. The host mom left the house since about 10 am and had not been back home. Except for a brief stint where she left one of her male employees to keep an eye on the kids, the girls were left unfed and unsupervised for HOURS! I called the mom of the other visiting friend to let her know what was going on. I was quite prepared to take the visiting friend home too, but HER mom was too busy with her "rendezvous" with her boyfriend! She didn't want me to bring her daughter home!

Much as I wanted to snatch up my two girls and go home, I could not in all good conscience, leave two 8 year olds in a house alone at night! So I stayed there for another 45 mins and then the host dad shows up, and he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the fact that these 4 kids were unsupervised for almost the whole day! I don't think he's ever going to forget the tongue-lashing I gave him! The girls didn't call earlier because they knew I would have been very angry! I had to add "you must call if you are left alone at your friend's house" to the list of rules! It never occured to me to spell that out, but it never crossed my mind as a possibility!

The host mom called me TWO WEEKS LATER to explain. I can't remember the excuse, 'cause I just dismissed it - it wasn't a life-or-death emergency which to me would have been the only acceptable excuse! I still can't fathom why she didn't call. DH and I were all 5 - 10 minutes away, and would have been there promptly had we known what was going on.

Needless to say, our girls were NEVER allowed to go to that house again. Turns out there were some domestic violence issues there too, but thankfully my kids were not exposed to it!

I really hope this hasn't become the norm for sleepovers. I know it wasn't when we were younger. However, couldn't this have been prevented by getting to know the parents better ahead of time?

 

[Tricia819]

Maybe the other girl spends a minimum amount of time at your house because that is her parent's rule.

It seems you are assuming the worst about your daughter's friend and her mom. I think once you get to know them you'll find they aren't as bad as you feared. If your DD doesn't want to invite her friend to AWANA maybe it's because her family isn't religious or is a different religon and she isn't sure how your families religous beliefs would be viewed.

It does seem kind of unusual that you are overly concerned with being sued. We had a family growing up that didn't allow sleepovers either and, honestly, they were labeled the "weird" family in the neighborhood. My kids just started having sleepovers and the thought never crossed my mind. It's a thought that is ever present when I'm with students at school so it's not that I'm just totally clueless.

Additionally, I think spending a lot of time with friends at that age is normal. However, I wouldn't allow my kids to spend hours at anyone's home who I haven't met personally.

I agree with all the OP's who said you need to have communication between you and the other girl's mom and you probably need to relax a lot and try to make your home a more welcoming place for the girls to be.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- I will side with you on the sleepover issue. It will not make you "weird" as some have said.

However, I am not trying to be snippy but you seem a bit uptight. You don't want kids at your house because you might get sued etc.? Why would your dd want to be around the house then? If your home is not welcoming- and to be honest you have not come across as a welcoming person here- then maybe you can understand why the other child doesn't want to stay at your home as well. On the other hand, you have no idea what kind of supervision is going on at the friend's house. Why? Not to sound snippy again, but you are acting like a jealous friend rather than a parent here. Yes, you are hurt, but you are not following up. If my child suddenly wanted to spend all day and all night with Suzy, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would be finding out what exactly is so alluring at Suzy's house. I would get to know the parents. Maybe this child's parents aren't even home for most of these visits? Do you know? As for the mall trip, well I understand 110% why you were not happy however at 12 your dd should know the rules. She should have been the one to call you and ask. Growinig up we (my sister and I) had friends that lived with us for quite some time. Of course my sister and I could never understand it as our mother was the strictest on the block! The other girls had parents that either were either too busy in their own lives to parent or they blamed their kid for every single thing and never made their home a haven. We all try to do our best with our children and hope they make all the right choices. I just think you are alienating your dd by making it so difficult for her to bring her friend around. KWIM? I wish you luck and hope you two can find your way back again.

 

[C.Ann]

OP- I will side with you on the sleepover issue. It will not make you "weird" as some have said.

However, I am not trying to be snippy but you seem a bit uptight. You don't want kids at your house because you might get sued etc.? Why would your dd want to be around the house then? If your home is not welcoming- and to be honest you have not come across as a welcoming person here- then maybe you can understand why the other child doesn't want to stay at your home as well. On the other hand, you have no idea what kind of supervision is going on at the friend's house. Why? Not to sound snippy again, but you are acting like a jealous friend rather than a parent here. Yes, you are hurt, but you are not following up. If my child suddenly wanted to spend all day and all night with Suzy, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would be finding out what exactly is so alluring at Suzy's house. I would get to know the parents. Maybe this child's parents aren't even home for most of these visits? Do you know? As for the mall trip, well I understand 110% why you were not happy however at 12 your dd should know the rules. She should have been the one to call you and ask. Growinig up we (my sister and I) had friends that lived with us for quite some time. Of course my sister and I could never understand it as our mother was the strictest on the block! The other girls had parents that either were either too busy in their own lives to parent or they blamed their kid for every single thing and never made their home a haven. We all try to do our best with our children and hope they make all the right choices. I just think you are alienating your dd by making it so difficult for her to bring her friend around. KWIM? I wish you luck and hope you two can find your way back again.

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I agree.. I can't quite wrap my head around the "concern" about DD spending so much time there, but yet no effort to get involved and meet the parents; find out what goes on at the other child's house; visiting the home to see what it's like; etc..

 

[MichelleVW]

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I agree.. I can't quite wrap my head around the "concern" about DD spending so much time there, but yet no effort to get involved and meet the parents; find out what goes on at the other child's house; visiting the home to see what it's like; etc..

Yeah, that seems really odd to me too. I really don't know any of my DD's friends parents, but I'm not concerned about them being over there either.

It's really odd to me that the OP is so concerned about sleepovers, yet her DD spends almost every waking moment at the friend's house. Doesn't add up to me.

 

[Alesia]

OP:

Your baby is growing up. You have got to let go a little bit. It is perfectly natural (and healthy) for adolescents to move further from their parents. It prepares them (and you) for when they leave the nest. If you keep trying to hold on so tightly, she will just struggle harder to get away.

 

[eh24fan]

Too much time unupervised. In this day and age, anyone can say anything and it becomes a fact. If I allowed a sleepover in my home the child could say we did weird stuff, they see this on tv, and our lives couild be turned upside down. Also, I don't really know this other family well enough for a sleepover. Personally I don't care for sleepovers, you have a friend, that's one thing, but you don't sleep in their home, that's what your home is for.

One would almost think my dd is their child, not mine, from the way she spends all her time there!

Wow. I'm so glad I wasn't your child when I was 12!! My friends and I spent every weekend together if possible! We were super close and our parents were all our "other" parents. There was a group of 4 of us and we tended to hang out out 2 of the houses more than the others. There was more to do and one of them had cuter boys around (an older brother) to bug the crap out of.

Sleepovers are fun and I think you are being WAY too cautious. Get to know the other parents, allow your daughter a little more freedom. I'm not saying let her loose to do whatever she wants, but don't be quiet so restrictive. I've seen what happens when parents are too restrictive and it's not pretty. Rebellion can be an ugly thing.