DD hates me

[mamacatnv]

I would say that you were worried and that she could have borrowed a phone BEFORE the "i hate you" phone call just to say that she was ok. Then, I would say that she could go get bent for EVER talking to me that way and to contact me when she wants to act like an adult and a decent human being. Then say love you bye.

Your DD acted like a spoiled brat and owes you an apology. I would not tolerate that from a child of any age.

 

[ems_mom]

Thanks for all the support DISers.

It's hard to process the "hate you, hate you, etc..."

She is the love of my life...we are 20 years apart. One day at a time, that's the saying, yes?

To those who questioned - I feel I hurt her by calling her work. I have never hurt her physically and if anyone ever had the upper hand in an argument it was her. Honestly we never argued or screamed. I let her live with her GP at the beach in the summer, just like her Dad.

 

[CrazyDuck]

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

If you normally hear from your kids everyday then all of a sudden you don't you have everyright to be concerned. She knew you were trying to call and the least she could have done was find some way to contact you. (payphone, email, post on thedis)! Tell her to stop being such a selfish self-indulged brat and get over it!

 

[cm8]

Seriously?

You talk every day, there was a change to that pattern with no response from her. Of course you start trying to contact her. Calling every hour seems a bit much, but calling work seems like a reasonable way to see if she is keeping up with other things in her life. Same thing happened to DH and I once.... but we just laughed at it.

DH talks to his Dad every day. Whenever we travel we always call to say we arrived at said place. About 3 yrs ago (we were 26 yrs old...) we took a disney trip, drove up from Miami. We get there and realize his phone is almost dead and we forgot to pack the charger. No biggie, we had called his Dad from the road shortly before arriving so we turned off the phone and would check it in a couple days.

We turned the phone off on Sunday, come Wednesday morning we turn on the phone to over 25 messages! Multiple calls from his dad. My parents calling us asking where we are. Our good friend K left a hysterical message about how everyone is worried and searching for us! Our friend J, a CM, left a calm message telling us DH's parents are afraid we died. J thankfully looked up our hotel reservation and confirmed we checked in, but i guess the restaurants didn't check us off when we checked in for out ADR's so in the computer it looked like we had missed several ADR's. Everyone was in a snit and the last message said to call within 2 hours or else Orlando PD was being called. That is when a knock came at the Hotel room door.... the front desk had been called by concerned family members to come check on us.

Now, we thought his parents over reacted a bit. They called my entire family and all our good friends to check on us. Everyone got hysterical and wound up. BUT.... we understood. DH talked to his Dad everyday and that changed. He had no clue the phone died and we talked to him before check in, not after safely checking in. In the end, we decided it was nice to know we always had people looking out for us. Kinda felt loved in a weird way. DH actually put a GPS function on his phone shortly after this that we turn on when we travel! It's shows where we are within a 5 foot radius so his Dad can see online that we are alive. Ya know, in case 'it's a small world' breaks down and all the cherubic children turn into a murderous animatronic blood-thirsty horde.

oh how cute. I know that your FIL is thrilled to death with that feature.

OP, She (your daughter) would not have to worry about me after behaving that way. My husband of course would cut her out the will if it were up to him too. He doesn't care who you are and will let you know it in a hot second

I sometimes thinks that he forgets that forgiveness is apart of loving others sometimes at your own expense

I say let her cool down and then put her on ignore when she does. Her behavior is one of a 10 year old and she should be treated as such. Pray for her safety (if you believe in prayer) ask God to keep her cover and turn her over to him.

 

[disneyfreakk]

Wow! There are a million things that could have happened to her in that timeframe. And I am sure you thought the worst things possible. You had every right to be upset and worried.

My DH is close with his parents and calls them several times a week. Every so often he goes a week without calling. They don't call to check on him, but boy do they guilt trip him for not calling every few days.

I on the other hand am not all that close with my dad. The only time we talk is when I call him. I have gone months without talking to him, but I doubt it crosses his mind to call me. He wont even call me to tell me family members have died.

So to answer your question, I guess there really isn't a set amount of time for adult children to call.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong at all given the circumstances, however I'm wondering if her overreaction is indicative of her feeling that maybe she needs a little more space?

I think she owes you an apology. How she responds to your calls is what her boss and coworkers will see and judge her on, not that her worried mom called.

 

[dislaney]

She's over reacting. She will get over it.

 

[Luv'sTink]

You did nothing wrong. Don't answer her calls for a few days and see if she comes by to check on you.

I am 46 years old, talk to my Mom pretty much daily AND live across the street from my parents. When I call their house and don't get an answer I wait a little while and call again, if no answer I call the cell phones, still no answer I hot tail it across the street! When you are used to talking to someone all the time or getting your calls answered because you can see if they are home or not it's scary when they don't answer.

Heck I get calls from my siblings asking why my parents aren't answering their phones.

ETA: Your original posts says "My DD (26) calls me every day on her way to work." She should have known better than to just not call.

 

[dreamin_disney]

You did nothing wrong. Doesnt matter if her phone was broken. Common courtesy to call you from Work or someone phone to say "Sorry mom my phone is broken, Dont worry , I'll call you in a few days"

She's lucky to have a caring mother like you. In these crazies days you never know if a weirdo got to her. Give her a few days and hopefully she will call you. If not leave her a message and let her know you are sorry for ebarassing her at work but you were just worried because you hadnt heard from her.

if she accepts then talk about what you both can do next time so theres no worrying. If she continues to throw a fit about it tell her the only thing your gulity of is being a concerned mother.

 

[merryweather20]

I think it was overkill. I'd be pretty unimpressed with my parents if they did something that unprofessional. I wouldn't tell anyone I hated them, but if its something thats in her vocab already, I can see it slipping out.

If it was my parents and me I would have thought a couple things:
1. Her job is silly little, unimportant. You knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was inappropriate to call her work place, that many times, and speak to that many people but you did it anyway. To heck with the consequences.

2. She's calling because she enjoys your company. You don't enjoy her company you just NEED to check up on her. She was going to call you when she could, no SOS, no stop the presses, just a nice friendly chat with her Mom, who she thought was interested in her life, but just wanted to keep tabs and nothing more.

3. You don't listen to what she says about her life and her friends. There was certainly someone more appropriate to call, a friend, a cousin, a boyfriend, the landline, e-mail, even a specific person at work. If you had no idea who that is, then you've been tuning her out big time.

 

[Tweevil]

Nope, you did nothing wrong. There was a set precedent of calls and when that discontinued you were simply trying to verify she was ok. If she is being razzed by her employment then she needs to handle it. Decision and coping skills were not engaged fully....

Me, if my kid were to do that 15 or 45 years of age, they would be looking for their teeth. Very disrespectful to you when all you were doing was showing concern and care. She should have picked up the phone to advise of the technical issue. Fail on her part, not yours.

Give her some space to think about the situation, she will come around.

Hugs to you, don't doubt yourself for being a caring Mom.

 

[allison443]

I screwed up big time. My DD (26) calls me every day on her way to work.

I hadn't heard from her since Tuesdays call. We usually talk every day.

I called twice Wednesday and and again today. Then I started calling once an hour. All straight to voice mail.

So after working myself up and talking to my DH, I called her work (she is #2 in charge), shes off but her boss might know where she is. Well, he's not in... I talk to two other supervisors. The one I know, I ask if she's heard from my daughter. She says she will talk to the people in the company she knows my daughter is friendly with.

Long story short....DD phone was broken. No calls in or out. That is she could see incoming calls from me, but had no voice mail and couldn't answer.

Anyway, she borrowed a phone to tell me she hate, hate, hates me and will never speak to me again. I've ruined her position at her work, embarrassed her, etc.

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

Did she say why she didn't call you even though she saw your repeated calls? (every hour!)
Was there a way you could have sent an email? I can see why she would be embarassed (it sounds like you talked to two supervisors and they were asking around to other people at work where she was.)
However, I find it odd if she's 26 and said she "hates, hates, hates" you.
If she has an issue with calling you every day, then she should just tell you that.

Edited to add: I don't think you were wrong to call, she really should have found another way to get in touch with.

 

[snowy76]

Thanks for all the support DISers.

It's hard to process the "hate you, hate you, etc..."

She is the love of my life...we are 20 years apart. One day at a time, that's the saying, yes?

To those who questioned - I feel I hurt her by calling her work. I have never hurt her physically and if anyone ever had the upper hand in an argument it was her. Honestly we never argued or screamed. I let her live with her GP at the beach in the summer, just like her Dad.

Maybe she's so used to being right that she doesn't see how you could be right here. Immature, if you ask me.

You are not in the wrong here.

Your instinct told you something was off; luckily it wasn't a dangerous situation but you had no way of knowing. We just had a case here where a college student came home for Thanksgiving and disappeared while her parents were at work. The family knew it wasn't like her to not check in.

Her ex-boyfriend had come to the house and strangled her. She was missing for 8 days before police found the body. The ex just pleaded guilty to murder. She would have been 21 today.

Tell her you're sorry she feels embarrassed, if you feel you must, but don't apologize for taking measures to track her down. A 26-year old should be smart enough to check in with people when their main source of communication is cut off.

 

[MoniqueU]

I feel for you. My son is a senior in high school. This year we got in a fight before school, words were exchanged and he left. I was so upset by out fight I called his school and had them pull him from class so I could clear it up. He goes to a smallish catholic private school. They couldn't locate him, Sister mary launches an all out hunt for him ensisting all his friends on lunch break and the ASB president. They can't find him the school is in auproar. We look all over and he is upstairs asleep in bed.

Not only did I get in a fight with my son over something silly, I call to get him out of class which is ridiculous and then have the entire school and a nun on the hunt for him while he is home sleeping. I can't imagine how he lived that one down ats school. He is 17 so thet I runined his life are pretty high but he never told me he hated me. Your Dd needs to get over it.

 

[ems_mom]

I think it was overkill. I'd be pretty unimpressed with my parents if they did something that unprofessional. I wouldn't tell anyone I hated them, but if its something thats in her vocab already, I can see it slipping out.

If it was my parents and me I would have thought a couple things:
1. Her job is silly little, unimportant. You knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was inappropriate to call her work place, that many times, and speak to that many people but you did it anyway. To heck with the consequences.

2. She's calling because she enjoys your company. You don't enjoy her company you just NEED to check up on her. She was going to call you when she could, no SOS, no stop the presses, just a nice friendly chat with her Mom, who she thought was interested in her life, but just wanted to keep tabs and nothing more.

3. You don't listen to what she says about her life and her friends. There was certainly someone more appropriate to call, a friend, a cousin, a boyfriend, the landline, e-mail, even a specific person at work. If you had no idea who that is, then you've been tuning her out big time.

Its apparent your experiences color your opinion

 

[arminnie]

Wow - I guess cell phones have changed everything.

I am 65 - I used to go to europe with no reservations (70s) and there was no way to contact me for weeks. My parents survived.

I can't imagine having to live with today's helicopter parents.

I usually talk to my sister daily - but I recently went out of town for a few days without notifying her. She didn't freak out.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

IMO the talking to multiple supervisors is where you went wrong.

I can see asking the first person if they had seen her and leaving a message to have her call you back but to make your way through all those people is overkill. Her co-workers probably think you're nuts.

As far as I know, my parents don't even know my work number and I think I'm going to keep it that way

P.S. I highly doubt she is going to hate, hate, hate you forever. Give her a while to simmer down and I'm sure everything will end up back to normal.

 

[disykat]

She should not have said she hates you.

However, I think this is a good indication that it's time to set up some boundries in your relationship.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you both are in the wrong:

Your DD should be mature enough to realize that if she has an established pattern of always calling you on her way to work and suddenly stops it will worry you. She should have sent you and email, or borrowed a phone to call you from and give you a heads up very soon after realizing her phone was broken.

Her next screw up was seeing all the missed calls from you and still not realizing you would be worried and still not making any effort to let you know what was going on.

Her final screw up was throwing a tantrum.

YOU screwed up when you did not try other ways to communicate with her first. Start with email. Then call one or two friends you know well. Only then do you call her work.

I think you also screwed up in being so persistent with her co workers and speaking to so many people. ALL you needed to find out, in order to know if she was safe is IF she was in at all those days. You did not need to know why she had not called you--or explained anything like that. All you had to do was call the office and ask to speak to her, if she was unavailable politely explain that you are her mother and you know this is silly but you have been unable to reach her for a few days and are concerned, can they please verify for you if she was in in the last two days and/or give her a message to call you ASAP. You do not need to ask to be transfered to other people, or in any other way hunt her down.

I do wonder, does your daughter call you every morning, or do you call her some times? Even if she does call you, have you pressured her to feel she has to call you on her way in every day? Perhaps she was relieved to have a break from the close connection?

At this point, you have apologize. I vote with many others just to leave her alone; do not call her--and when she settles down she will call you.

 

[mhsjax]

I would be really annoyed if my mom called me at work looking for me but I would not stomp my foot saying I hate you I hate you I hate you! Where I work if a mom called like that it would really take a LONG LONG time for the co workers to stop razzing you!

Sounds like you work with some lovely people.