DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[powellrj]

The OP's daughter LIED, she had VIOLATED an established rule. That is the problem, not whether or not the majority think it is okay for her to date and therefore the daughter's lying is justified. The parents need to follow through on their rules and punish the violation.

But I don't think she did lie. I don't consider sitting at lunch with a boy and posting on FB that he is your boyfriend is really a relationship. Heck, if it were, my DD has been in a relationship with different boys for years, and she doesn't even think she has ever had a boyfriend.

My DD is 14 and we were talking the other day if she is going to go to Homecoming this year with a boy. I don't even consider that a date since I would be picking them up and dropping them off.

OP, your child, your rules, but I think you over reacted a little and need to take a deep breath before you push them together even more by making the forbidden fruit seem even more forbidden.

 

[VickiVM]

Nope, sorry. Didn't believe it when I was dating in high school, didn't believe it in college and I don't believe it now.

Do they think about it all.the.time. Sure they do. Doesn't mean they want to jump the first girl they see.

I give men and boys a whole lot more credit than others are in this thread.

Thanks for that...I'm just now starting to see the teenage-boy-bashing responses and I'm flabbergasted.

 

[Jennasis]

When it comes to teens...sigh..."rules" were made to be broken. It's just how they do it. I was a model teen (for the most part) and even I got around a few "rules". The only thing parents can do is to keep the lines of communication open and be prepared to be flexible so that when stuff like this boy comes along, the kid doesn't feel like she needs to hide it and can come to her mom withit.

Communication is key.

Smothering is not.

 

[Scurvy]

My parents were very strict when it came to dating. I was not allowed to date until I was 16. I was allowed to go on group outings, and obviously there were sometimes boys I liked included in those outings, but I would never have tried to get away with one on one dating. I also didn't have boyfriends at school before I could date, but just because I thought it was silly. To me, someone wasn't a boyfriend unless I could actually date him. There were no rules against school boyfriends, though - because my parents didn't want to set themselves up for failure and they knew there was no way they could enforce a rule like that. Personally, I think as long as there is no sneaking out on real dates going on, there's nothing to worry about. An in-school boyfriend isn't a real boyfriend and sitting together in the cafeteria isn't real dating. You can't regulate her feelings, and if really inappropriate things were going to happen between her and the boy at school, they'd happen whether they call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" or not. You can't make a rule that she isn't allowed to be interested in a boy or pay particular attention to him at school- or at least, you can't enforce such a rule. The only thing a rule like that is going to accomplish is to make sure that your child will not talk to you about her feelings and relationships.

I won't repeat what others have said about the PPs posts--but no one else has commented on the bolded. Am i the only person who HATES this attitude???? How totally disrespectful to the daughter is it for the entire male side of the family to intimidate her choices as boyfriends? Do they not believe she can make her own good decisions? Do they not believe she is strong enough to take care of herself? It seems they believe she will (by default) amke bad choices and not be able to take care of herself, and/or that she is their property to be defended. YUCK. And the whole thing where parents bring in weapons when discussing this--as if it is in ANY way appropriate to threaten violence because someone may turn out to be not a good boyfriend down the line? I am not sure there are appropriate words to convey my dislike for such a thing.

No, you definitely aren't the only one. That sort of attitude rubs me the wrong way for lots of reasons. I hear people say things like that all the time, and I find those sorts of comments to be completely distasteful. I assume that people who say things like that are trying to be funny, but I don't see the humor in it at all. And if they aren't trying to be funny . . . well, that's just completely disturbing.

 

[VickiVM]

As the mother of two girls, I'd like to show some support for the boys in light of the tangent this thread has taken.

It takes two to tango.

And that support doesn't have to come in the form of condom packets.

Here's a thought...support the boy and girl...either as friends who like to hang out togehter or boyfriend/girlfriend (depending on your personal beliefs). Meet the parents, be honest and let them know how you feel about the relationship. Get their support. They may be teens, but they are still your children...TEAM PARENT.

How many teenage romances gone bad could have been prevented if both sets of parents were working towards the same goal of having kids with healthy attitudes regarding sexual relationships.

 

[shortbun]

It comes down to this-how do you make a rule that says 'you can not like/have a crush on someone?' It's unenforceable. You can make rules about where they can or can not be, with whom and when. You can not control their minds. It's that simple.

 

[VickiVM]

Tell your daughter you know about her boyfriend and that you and that she is required to bring him over to meet you. Make sure your husband is cleaning his shotgun when the young man arrives. If DH does not own a shotgun, WalMart sells them

Hopefully that was said tongue-in-cheek...otherwise I might be offended.

 

[shortbun]

Hopefully that was said tongue-in-cheek...otherwise I might be offended.

I was offended - as the mother of a 15yo boy-and I KNEW it was a joke. If anyone, ever, dares to use even close to these tactics on my son...they will be in a world of hurt. No joke.

 

[ckay87]

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Yea, well I feel sorry for the first family who threatens either of my sons with weapons. That is not funny. What if I were to say that about your daughters? I feel sorry for any little girl who comes around here because my husband has a gun. How stupid does that sound?

 

[Mermaid02]

Yea, well I feel sorry for the first family who threatens either of my sons with weapons. That is not funny. What if I were to say that about your daughters? I feel sorry for any little girl who comes around here because my husband has a gun. How stupid does that sound?

((applauding))

 

[VickiVM]

I was offended - as the mother of a 15yo boy-and I KNEW it was a joke. If anyone, ever, dares to use even close to these tactics on my son...they will be in a world of hurt. No joke.

I was offended, but hoping the poster realized that even as a joke, still inappropriate.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really do not understand the snarkiness in some of the threads here.

I did now allow my dd to CAR DATE, much less tool around with a bunch of new teen drivers as a 14yo. Sorry, just not going to happen. Frankly it was pretty common for parents to have that type of rule as well.

Are you telling me that some of you allowed your teens to hang out with JRs and SRs and head off to parties in their cars, boyfriend or friends? Um...not happening here.

The guy that liked my dd wanted to constantly take her to Deep Ellum in TX as a 14yo freshman. Um no....Now when she turned 16, different story. I felt that she was mature enough to take care of herself at that point. I did not like it that is for sure. He was in a band that played there, so I gave her a pass & felt she was in good hands.

That did not mean she could not have a BF but it meant that she was not allowed to car date until she was 16.

YMMV but this is what I was comfortable with.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

She broke the rules by liking a boy. Oh the horror. 14 year old girls are supposed to like boys. The parents "rule" is ridiculous. The girl is not DATING. Most likely she eats lunch with "the boy" and maybe talks to him in the hallways- maybe they hold hand

But has she? She broke the rules by liking a boy at school? She has never seen the boy outside of school...so how can this be called dating?

But this is a family and why can't' they discuss the rules calmly and rationally?

For it to be on FACEBOOK and his status says he is in 'a relationship with XXXX', that status can't be listed as in a relationship with XXXX unless XXXX approves it, therefore, as far as high school is concerned, the OP's daughter is "IN A RELATIONSHIP" with a junior. Semantics? No, she is in a relationship that she has made public to all her facebook buds and all his. I don't what naive planet some of you live on, but, there is very little innocence in 'a relationship' when in high school. Visit a high school, ask around. What is happening in the best of schools is shocking, well for me it is shocking. Expulsions for oral sex in the locker rooms, hand jobs at the lunch tables, multiple sexual acts on buses. Girls this age are so much more aggressive that most parents know. All to try and fit in. The less self assured a girl is, the more she is willing to submit to the pressure of what she thinks is okay. Not to overly generalize, but, when freshmen girls are 'dating' junior boys, it isn't friendship they are after, they are looking for status and he is looking for getting some.

Forcing/allowing children to grow up before they are ready is well frankly stupid. Dating is an adult situation, sex is almost always involved in some way shape or form. Thinking otherwise is naive and ignorant. Liking a boy isn't just liking a boy. There is plenty of time for kids to date. Isn't it much better that they learn about themselves and their hormones and how to interact with the opposite sex first rather than simultaneously?? Learn what is happening in the school and what is considered okay. Read some of these kids Facebook statuses, find out what certain words mean to the teens, read some of the twitter accounts. Believe me, you will be shocked and scared and want to lock up your kid. Or you can think the world is all Pleasantville where boys and girls go steady before they hold hands.

No, I don't think the rule should be 'discussed', at this juncture, sometimes a parent just has to make an arbitrary decision. Why should this be up for discussion after the rule has been clearly violated? Obviously this girl knew the rule and decided on her own that she does not need to follow it, and to keep it a secret. Her judgment is not good right now. She went on what she wanted, not what was allowed. Perhaps at a future time, when the trust is rebuilt, the parents can decide if they want to rethink the idea of dating, but why would any parent in their right mind would reward bad behavior??

I have to ask...were the "strict" parents that way before, during and/or after their princess lost her virginity?

This girl has been boy crazy from about 2nd grade, they have been strict with her from way back. Her lifelong dream was to have a boyfriend. No matter how much restrictions they placed on this girl she wanted a boyfriend and all that goes with it, and having no respect for herself or her parents she did what it took to get that. They have no idea that their little darling is sexually active, and they still are very strict with her, however, she is a sneaky little thing and finds ways to get around.

 

[SeaShelley]

Oh for Heaven’s sake people…it was a joke. My Dad would say the same things…. Me: “So ‘n’ so is coming to pick me up at 7.” Dad: “He knows your father has guns right?” Me (rolling my eyes): “Yes, Daddy.” I do recall just one occasion – after a hunting weekend, when my Dad was actually cleaning his rifle when my boyfriend came to pick me up. My father would never have threatened a boy I was dating, especially with any type of firearm….although looking back, I bet there were a few he would have liked to !! Honestly, it was my mother that most of the boys had to be the most worried about.

It was a joke between the two of us. A quirky way of him letting me know that he was my protector and that anyone who hurt me could suffer his wrath !!!

 

[MELSMICE]

This thread is interesting.

I find putting such restrictions on teens will make them rebel at some point. Maybe now now, but at some point.

In the OP's case, if her DD was as open & talks to her about everything then she would have told her about the BF. She is afraid to do that.

In the case of the double standard...........sad. Teach all your children the same morals and values. Not just some of them.

 

[punkin]

re facebook status. DD18's status says that she is married to a girl. It is totally meaningless.

 

[Mermaid02]

For it to be on FACEBOOK and his status says he is in 'a relationship with XXXX', that status can't be listed as in a relationship with XXXX unless XXXX approves it, therefore, as far as high school is concerned, the OP's daughter is "IN A RELATIONSHIP" with a junior. Semantics? No, she is in a relationship that she has made public to all her facebook buds and all his. I don't what naive planet some of you live on, but, there is very little innocence in 'a relationship' when in high school. Visit a high school, ask around. What is happening in the best of schools is shocking, well for me it is shocking. Expulsions for oral sex in the locker rooms, hand jobs at the lunch tables, multiple sexual acts on buses. Girls this age are so much more aggressive that most parents know. All to try and fit in. The less self assured a girl is, the more she is willing to submit to the pressure of what she thinks is okay. Not to overly generalize, but, when freshmen girls are 'dating' junior boys, it isn't friendship they are after, they are looking for status and he is looking for getting some.

Forcing/allowing children to grow up before they are ready is well frankly stupid. Dating is an adult situation, sex is almost always involved in some way shape or form. Thinking otherwise is naive and ignorant. Liking a boy isn't just liking a boy. There is plenty of time for kids to date. Isn't it much better that they learn about themselves and their hormones and how to interact with the opposite sex first rather than simultaneously?? Learn what is happening in the school and what is considered okay. Read some of these kids Facebook statuses, find out what certain words mean to the teens, read some of the twitter accounts. Believe me, you will be shocked and scared and want to lock up your kid. Or you can think the world is all Pleasantville where boys and girls go steady before they hold hands.

No, I don't think the rule should be 'discussed', at this juncture, sometimes a parent just has to make an arbitrary decision. Why should this be up for discussion after the rule has been clearly violated? Obviously this girl knew the rule and decided on her own that she does not need to follow it, and to keep it a secret. Her judgment is not good right now. She went on what she wanted, not what was allowed. Perhaps at a future time, when the trust is rebuilt, the parents can decide if they want to rethink the idea of dating, but why would any parent in their right mind would reward bad behavior??

This girl has been boy crazy from about 2nd grade, they have been strict with her from way back. Her lifelong dream was to have a boyfriend. No matter how much restrictions they placed on this girl she wanted a boyfriend and all that goes with it, and having no respect for herself or her parents she did what it took to get that. They have no idea that their little darling is sexually active, and they still are very strict with her, however, she is a sneaky little thing and finds ways to get around.

Nobody is saying those things don't happen. BUT you can't make somebody NOT have a crush on someone or NOT be attracted to someone. So they have a FB status..... big friggin deal- premarital sex was happening WAY before FB.

The OP has set an UNREALISTIC rule and set herself up for disapointment and her daughter up to break the rule.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

re facebook status. DD18's status says that she is married to a girl. It is totally meaningless.

Not when it is two high schoolers of the opposite sex. Not totally meaningless. As it is said in the halls of high school, is it "facebook official"? The OP's daughter is facebook officially in a relationship with a junior.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This thread is interesting.

I find putting such restrictions on teens will make them rebel at some point. Maybe now now, but at some point.

In the OP's case, if her DD was as open & talks to her about everything then she would have told her about the BF. She is afraid to do that.

In the case of the double standard...........sad. Teach all your children the same morals and values. Not just some of them.

And teens that are free to do whatever the hell they want will not rebel? That is flawed logic in my book.

The secret is to find a middle ground and watch your kid's back a bit. Some kids are impulsive and risk takers and some kids need to be pushed to get out there.

There is no "one size fits all" here to be honest. Communicate with your kids, be reasonable, but don't be a pushover either.

 

[ckay87]

Nobody is saying those things don't happen. BUT you can't make somebody NOT have a crush on someone or NOT be attracted to someone. So they have a FB status..... big friggin deal- premarital sex was happening WAY before FB.

The OP has set an UNREALISTIC rule and set herself up for disapointment and her daughter up to break the rule.

That sums it up for me. I do my best supervise my teenagers, but I don't expect to be able to control what they think or feel (or even believe).