DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[Mermaid02]

And teens that are free to do whatever the hell they want will not rebel? That is flawed logic in my book.

The secret is to find a middle ground and watch your kid's back a bit. Some kids are impulsive and risk takers and some kids need to be pushed to get out there.

There is no "one size fits all" here to be honest. Communicate with your kids, be reasonable, but don't be a pushover either.

This is key- as parents we have to have restrictions but we also have to teach our kids to make responsible decisions. They need to feel like they have some control.

"NO you can't go out on a car date at 14, but why don't you invite him over here? You can rent a movie and I'll have pizza delivered."

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Nobody is saying those things don't happen. BUT you can't make somebody NOT have a crush on someone or NOT be attracted to someone. So they have a FB status..... big friggin deal- premarital sex was happening WAY before FB.

The OP has set an UNREALISTIC rule and set herself up for disapointment and her daughter up to break the rule.

It is hardly an unrealistic rule. Many many many parents have this rule and their children adhere to it. The disappointment is that the child intentionally violated the rule because she is immature and lacks judgment. To reward that immaturity and violation is ignorant and counterproductive.

 

[Mermaid02]

It is hardly an unrealistic rule. Many many many parents have this rule and their children adhere to it. The disappointment is that the child intentionally violated the rule because she is immature and lacks judgment. To reward that immaturity and violation is ignorant and counterproductive.

I think you are delusional if you think this is true. Maybe MANY parents don't find out Susie eats lunch with Jimmy every day at school. The girl in the OP is NOT DATING. She and the boy do NOT go out together. They merely see each other in school.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

Coming from a teenager, you just need to flat out say "I won't you to be honest, please tell me the truth. Do you have a boyfriend?" If she lies to you, then that is a serious problem. I have a boyfriend and my parents have known about him since before he even asked me out. It's just worse for everyone when you're sneaking around and if she feels that she can't even tell you she has a boyfriend, then something's up.

Also, she doesn't see him on weekends, doesn't see him after school, only sees him during school, and he's her boyfriend? Doesn't sound so much like a boyfriend as just a friend that she likes.

 

[krcit]

I think you are delusional if you think this is true. Maybe MANY parents don't find out Susie eats lunch with Jimmy every day at school. The girl in the OP is NOT DATING. She and the boy do NOT go out together. They merely see each other in school.

I guess I don't see this as this huge betrayal that some posters seem to. I say this a mom to a 15(almost 16 yo) and 12 yo dds. My older one is more interested in her school work and sports than boys(I have no idea how I ended up with a kid like that, lol) but I wouldn't think that changing FB status and some calls/texts is the same as sneaking out on 'dates.

 

[Mermaid02]

I guess I don't see this as this huge betrayal that some posters seem to. I say this a mom to a 15(almost 16 yo) and 12 yo dds. My older one is more interested in her school work and sports than boys(I have no idea how I ended up with a kid like that, lol) but I wouldn't think that changing FB status and some calls/texts is the same as sneaking out on 'dates.

Exactly!

 

[powellrj]

Not when it is two high schoolers of the opposite sex. Not totally meaningless. As it is said in the halls of high school, is it "facebook official"? The OP's daughter is facebook officially in a relationship with a junior.

I just checked my DDs facebook page and she is married with 5 children and has 4 extra siblings. I don't put much stock in FB posting. And no, you can list them as your spouse or in a relationship without their OK, it just isn't highlighter without their approval.

 

[SaraJayne]

This girl has been boy crazy from about 2nd grade, they have been strict with her from way back. Her lifelong dream was to have a boyfriend. No matter how much restrictions they placed on this girl she wanted a boyfriend and all that goes with it, and having no respect for herself or her parents she did what it took to get that. They have no idea that their little darling is sexually active, and they still are very strict with her, however, she is a sneaky little thing and finds ways to get around.

Which proves exactly what everyone has been saying in this thread to the OP.

You're contradicting yourself.

 

[LisaR]

I just checked my DDs facebook page and she is married with 5 children and has 4 extra siblings. I don't put much stock in FB posting. And no, you can list them as your spouse or in a relationship without their OK, it just isn't highlighter without their approval.

Exactly! I never quite know who my DD will be "married" to or "in a relationship" with on FB. And who knew she had all those siblings!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Which proves exactly what everyone has been saying in this thread to the OP.

You're contradicting yourself.

How is it contradicting? The point I was making - parents know their kids better and what rules should apply - is still valid and not at all contradicted. This girl had rules in place, because her family knew she was boy crazy and set restrictions for her. This particular girl is a sneaky little girl that regardless of the rules was going to get what she wanted.

 

[SaraJayne]

How is it contradicting? The point I was making - parents know their kids better and what rules should apply - is still valid and not at all contradicted. This girl had rules in place, because her family knew she was boy crazy and set restrictions for her. This particular girl is a sneaky little girl that regardless of the rules was going to get what she wanted.

It is contradicting because you say the parents were very strict with the DD ~ and she still did whatever she wanted.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I see the calvary has been called in. Whoop-dee-doo.

If it is rude, it will be reported.

 

[Cinderella94]

I see the calvary has been called in. Whoop-dee-doo.

If it is rude, it will be reported.

Which replies have been rude to you?

 

[NotUrsula]

"Facebook official?" OK, that's funny.

I've never met a teen boy yet who wouldn't put any old thing that he thought was funny or ironic on a Facebook status. Unless the kid is possessive to an unpleasant degree, that means less than nothing and could be gone tomorrow. (For all anyone knows his kid sister or his good buddy might have posted that to his account to bug him. Lot's of kids are careless about keeping their passwords concealed.)

If kids are actually expecting Facebook to be a legal declaration or a window on the soul, then they are more naive than I might have expected.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

It is contradicting because you say the parents were very strict with the DD ~ and she still did whatever she wanted.

Yes she did. So no rules would have been the way to go?

The point I was making, and I will state it yet again, Parents know their children and which ones need to be watched more closely than others.

 

[krcit]

For it to be on FACEBOOK and his status says he is in 'a relationship with XXXX', that status can't be listed as in a relationship with XXXX unless XXXX approves it, therefore, as far as high school is concerned, the OP's daughter is "IN A RELATIONSHIP" with a junior. Semantics? No, she is in a relationship that she has made public to all her facebook buds and all his. I don't what naive planet some of you live on, but, there is very little innocence in 'a relationship' when in high school. Visit a high school, ask around. What is happening in the best of schools is shocking, well for me it is shocking. Expulsions for oral sex in the locker rooms, hand jobs at the lunch tables, multiple sexual acts on buses. Girls this age are so much more aggressive that most parents know. All to try and fit in. The less self assured a girl is, the more she is willing to submit to the pressure of what she thinks is okay. Not to overly generalize, but, when freshmen girls are 'dating' junior boys, it isn't friendship they are after, they are looking for status and he is looking for getting some.

Forcing/allowing children to grow up before they are ready is well frankly stupid. Dating is an adult situation, sex is almost always involved in some way shape or form. Thinking otherwise is naive and ignorant. Liking a boy isn't just liking a boy. There is plenty of time for kids to date. Isn't it much better that they learn about themselves and their hormones and how to interact with the opposite sex first rather than simultaneously?? Learn what is happening in the school and what is considered okay. Read some of these kids Facebook statuses, find out what certain words mean to the teens, read some of the twitter accounts. Believe me, you will be shocked and scared and want to lock up your kid. Or you can think the world is all Pleasantville where boys and girls go steady before they hold hands.

No, I don't think the rule should be 'discussed', at this juncture, sometimes a parent just has to make an arbitrary decision. Why should this be up for discussion after the rule has been clearly violated? Obviously this girl knew the rule and decided on her own that she does not need to follow it, and to keep it a secret. Her judgment is not good right now. She went on what she wanted, not what was allowed. Perhaps at a future time, when the trust is rebuilt, the parents can decide if they want to rethink the idea of dating, but why would any parent in their right mind would reward bad behavior??

This girl has been boy crazy from about 2nd grade, they have been strict with her from way back. Her lifelong dream was to have a boyfriend. No matter how much restrictions they placed on this girl she wanted a boyfriend and all that goes with it, and having no respect for herself or her parents she did what it took to get that. They have no idea that their little darling is sexually active, and they still are very strict with her, however, she is a sneaky little thing and finds ways to get around.

Hmm. Mermaid is the rude one? I don't think so.

 

[SaraJayne]

"Facebook official?" OK, that's funny.

I've never met a teen boy yet who wouldn't put any old thing that he thought was funny or ironic on a Facebook status. Unless the kid is possessive to an unpleasant degree, that means less than nothing and could be gone tomorrow. (For all anyone knows his kid sister or his good buddy might have posted that to his account to bug him. Lot's of kids are careless about keeping their passwords concealed.)

If kids are actually expecting Facebook to be a legal declaration or a window on the soul, then they are more naive than I might have expected.

Who knew "Facebook official" meant something legal!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Yes she did. So no rules would have been the way to go?

The point I was making, and I will state it yet again, Parents know their children and which ones need to be watched more closely than others.

I don't know how to make it any more clear to make you understand how it's contradicting your earlier "argument".

So I'll stop.

 

[Mermaid02]

Which replies have been rude to you?

She thinks we are the same person.

I won't post on here again- don't want the OP's thread to get locked.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Hmm. Mermaid is the rude one? I don't think so.

Where is it rude? Is it directed at someone personally? No, it isn't.