DD 17 is so mad at us....

[BelleWDW]

well I guess I have it worst. DS 18 just came home from College(columbia) from New York and decided he wanted to spend new years eve with his buds at University of Texas and I said no because I wanted him to spend time with us at home. Well he left early morning yesterday without telling anyone. I thought he was in his room sleeping until he called me at 12pm to let me know he was on his way to Austin with his friends and will be back Friday morning and he left early because he knew I would not approve. I was so furious and sad at the same time. His friend had picked him up early morning and they left for Austin without telling me. His friend goes to UT so he will be staying in his dorm there. He is 18 and now thinks he can do anything anytime.

Sorry-I disagree with this
Your son is at COLUMBIA University! Awesome! that means he is pretty smart-he is missing his friends and wants to be with them=I think forbidding him to do so will really put a rift between you in the future.

As far as the person who said to change the locks on the House! How immature. The kid goes to college in NY and his family is in texas and you want to kick him out on the street?

 

[PatsGirl]

There were two nights I never allowed DS to drive: NYE and Halloween. NYE because its amateur night and Halloween because he has a heavy foot and I worried that he might not be cautious enough with all the little kids around...

Well, he's almost 20 now and in the Air Force. He's home on leave for the first time since last Xmas and I'm leaving for the airport shortly for him to go back today. He made it clear that he wanted to go out with his friends and did not want any restrictions...so I relented. He has to grow up sometime doesn't he? Well, he got home around 5 am, feels like crap and has a long day of travelling ahead of him. Lesson learned.

 

[bas71873]

and I don't care. We won't let her go out tonight on New Years Eve. We told her at the beginning of December if she wanted to have friends over she could but I don't want to be on the road tonight and I surely don't want her on the road so now she is sitting at home with her sister and us and probably really mad but like I said I don't give a crap!!!!
Anyone else in the same situation as me?

My parents NEVER let us go out on NYE either, especially after we of driving age. I hated it at the time, but now that I am a parent, I understand why why they did what they did. They always went across the street to the neighbors for a party, so all the kids usually went to one of the other houses and hung out. While we always had fun, we griped cause we had to be home and not our running the roads

 

[BelleWDW]

Well, he's almost 20 now and in the Air Force. He's home on leave for the first time since last Xmas and I'm leaving for the airport shortly for him to go back today. He made it clear that he wanted to go out with his friends and did not want any restrictions...so I relented. He has to grow up sometime doesn't he? .

I* am sorry-but this blows me away

Your son is in the MILITARY! He is a MAN! I cant believe he still needs his Mommy's "permission" to go out with his friends??

 

[aprilgail2]

I* am sorry-but this blows me away

Your son is in the MILITARY! He is a MAN! I cant believe he still needs his Mommy's "permission" to go out with his friends??

I agree! I can't imagine a man coming home for military leave and mommy saying "no you can't go out".....some people take this "my house my rules" thing to extreme!

 

[bluesaturn]

I* am sorry-but this blows me away

Your son is in the MILITARY! He is a MAN! I cant believe he still needs his Mommy's "permission" to go out with his friends??

I think mom thinks she was giving him permission. I doubt he was going to hang around and wait to hear if he was allowed out.

 

[PatsGirl]

I think mom thinks she was giving him permission. I doubt he was going to hang around and wait to hear if he was allowed out.

I wasn't really giving him permission and he certainly hasn't waited around for it for several years now, what I didn't do was try to convince him that he shouldn't be out driving MY CAR on NYE. I "relented" by telling him that he should stay wherever he was if he was drinking (underage btw) and to remember that he had packing and other responsibilities today.

And I'm curious, if he like his friends, was a freshman in college and home for the holidays, would it be a different scenario for those of you who are "blown away" or think I may have taken the "my house, my rules" too far? I think I gave the wrong impression when I said I relented, I should have said I managed to keep my big Mommy mouth shut and wish him a happy New Year! in a sincere effort to treat him like the man he is becoming...

 

[CookieGVB]

My 18 year old was going to a party last night and wanted to keep my car - said he'd be home right after midnight. Told him no way - it's my car anyway. He was mad, but oh well.

I dropped him off, and it turned out to be a sleepover anyway - but did not want him driving around on NYE - people were coming in already smelling like they'd had a case of beer when I stopped for Chinese food at 6:00!

 

[LadyZolt]

As far as the person who said to change the locks on the House! How immature. The kid goes to college in NY and his family is in texas and you want to kick him out on the street?

The poster said that her son pretty much slipped off behind her back, knowing she wanted him to spend the time with her. He wasn't man enough or mature enough to stand up and say, "Mom, I appreciate your hospitality. I want to spend time with you, too, but I also want to spend time with my friend. Let's discuss this and work out a way that we can both be happy." She posted that "He is 18 now and thinks he can do anything anytime." Her son sneaked out behind her back without even saying goodbye. He was rude and immature. OK, maybe not change the locks -- but not let him stay without obeying the house rules. I mean, really -- if I was visiting the poster -- a total stranger! -- I would be more polite to the extended hospitality and not just zip off without saying a word. That's how mature adults act. He might be a smart kid attending Columbia, but he is still immature enough to disrespect his mother and at 18 years old, he is old enough to learn that lesson. His mother won't be doing him any favors in the long run if she doesn't express her disappointment in his lack of maturity in how to face what in actuality is a pretty small problem considering all the things adults actually have to face on a regular basis.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[Mickey's Minion]

well I guess I have it worst. DS 18 just came home from College(columbia) from New York and decided he wanted to spend new years eve with his buds at University of Texas and I said no because I wanted him to spend time with us at home. Well he left early morning yesterday without telling anyone. I thought he was in his room sleeping until he called me at 12pm to let me know he was on his way to Austin with his friends and will be back Friday morning and he left early because he knew I would not approve. I was so furious and sad at the same time. His friend had picked him up early morning and they left for Austin without telling me. His friend goes to UT so he will be staying in his dorm there. He is 18 and now thinks he can do anything anytime.

Well, he can -- and you should let him know that he can do anything anytime now that he's an adult. This means no more financial support from his parents, no more staying at home unless he asks and you agree -- and even then I'd have it be just a few days. So pretty much treat him the way you'd treat any other adult you know. He can pay his own bills, buy his own food and clothes, etc. Tell him, "Congratulations! Today you are a man."

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

ETA: PS: I'd change the locks while he's gone if he has a key.

The poster said that her son pretty much slipped off behind her back, knowing she wanted him to spend the time with her. He wasn't man enough or mature enough to stand up and say, "Mom, I appreciate your hospitality. I want to spend time with you, too, but I also want to spend time with my friend. Let's discuss this and work out a way that we can both be happy." She posted that "He is 18 now and thinks he can do anything anytime." Her son sneaked out behind her back without even saying goodbye. He was rude and immature. OK, maybe not change the locks -- but not let him stay without obeying the house rules. I mean, really -- if I was visiting the poster -- a total stranger! -- I would be more polite to the extended hospitality and not just zip off without saying a word. That's how mature adults act. He might be a smart kid attending Columbia, but he is still immature enough to disrespect his mother and at 18 years old, he is old enough to learn that lesson. His mother won't be doing him any favors in the long run if she doesn't express her disappointment in his lack of maturity in how to face what in actuality is a pretty small problem considering all the things adults actually have to face on a regular basis.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

The son did try to discuss it with his mother. He told her of his plans and she forbid it. By the poster's own admission, he left early in the morning because he knew she would not approve. That tells me that the son already knew there would not be any discussion about it.

Like it or not, the son is an adult and has been on his own at college without having to have parental approval of everything he does.

The son did call his mother to let her know where he was going and when he would be back.

If you were a visitor in somebody's home, it would be equally rude of the hostess to "forbid" you to go visit somebody else just because she wanted to monopolize your time.

Sorry Lady Zolt. I agree with the others that your suggestion would be a huge over reaction and the immaturity would be on the parent that implemented it, not the child.

 

[disney1990]

Sorry-I disagree with this
Your son is at COLUMBIA University! Awesome! that means he is pretty smart-he is missing his friends and wants to be with them=I think forbidding him to do so will really put a rift between you in the future.

As far as the person who said to change the locks on the House! How immature. The kid goes to college in NY and his family is in texas and you want to kick him out on the street?

The OP was talking about her underaged daughter.

An adult child home from college is definitely not the same thing. Neither, is the DS who is in the military. He can fight for his country, but can't go out to celebrate NYE.

My 2 daughters (one grown and one in college) celebrated last night in downtown Washington, DC in Georgetown with all the craziness that goes on there. I talked to both of them this morning and they had a good time, but neither one of them thought that the celebration was "their cup of tea". As a Mom, that's good to hear.

I hope everybody that had "children" (adult and otherwise) had them safely return home after their celebrations last night. Happy New Years to All.

 

[LadyZolt]

The son did try to discuss it with his mother. He told her of his plans and she forbid it. By the poster's own admission, he left early in the morning because he knew she would not approve. That tells me that the son already knew there would not be any discussion about it.

Like it or not, the son is an adult and has been on his own at college without having to have parental approval of everything he does.

The son did call his mother to let her know where he was going and when he would be back.

If you were a visitor in somebody's home, it would be equally rude of the hostess to "forbid" you to go visit somebody else just because she wanted to monopolize your time.

Sorry Lady Zolt. I agree with the others that your suggestion would be a huge over reaction and the immaturity would be on the parent that implemented it, not the child.

I see your point -- and like I said, I agree that changing the locks would be too much (I actually was joking when I posted that as a PS, but I realize many didn't take it that way -- I have a weird sense of humor. LOL!) -- but I think if this adult child can't go up to his mom and say, "OK, Mom, I see your point but I really want to spend time with my friend and so I'm going to go visit him" then he's not all that mature, Columbia or not. The poster said she was "furious and sad at the same time." I see that. I would be, too. I think she's saying she was mad because of *how* he did it more than what he did. She can correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I thought she was upset about -- his sneaking out knowing she didn't want him to and not even being man enough to tell her, and yet thinking he's 18 and can do anything he wants.

Now, you say the son is on his own at college, and I will say that the poster did not indicate if she is helping him financially or not. What I will say is that if the 18 year old is being supported in any financial way by his parents (car insurance, gas money, food money, tuition, books, cell phone, whatever), then he should respect her wishes and do what she asks if it's reasonable, or at least not sneak out and upset her when she is trying to help him. If he really is totally self-supporting and just visiting Mom and Dad over the holidays, then he should still have said, "Sorry, Mom, I'm going anyway" and not done it behind her back, and only then would he fall under the category you mentioned where it would be rude of the hostess (his mother) to "forbid" him to do something. The "forbidding" only applies to a parent who is parenting a minor or who is financially aiding an adult child who is not yet fully financially independent. I will say it was nice of him to call and let her know where he is and when he'd be back.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[BelleWDW]

I wasn't really giving him permission and he certainly hasn't waited around for it for several years now, what I didn't do was try to convince him that he shouldn't be out driving MY CAR on NYE. I "relented" by telling him that he should stay wherever he was if he was drinking (underage btw) and to remember that he had packing and other responsibilities today.

...

During the Vietnam era-young men could drink at 18 -but they couldn't VOTE and had no say (via voting) about being drafted and shipped to 'Nam.

Now adays-if a young man is man enough to fight for his country at 18-then he should be able to drink.

 

[Planogirl]

Well, he can -- and you should let him know that he can do anything anytime now that he's an adult. This means no more financial support from his parents, no more staying at home unless he asks and you agree -- and even then I'd have it be just a few days. So pretty much treat him the way you'd treat any other adult you know. He can pay his own bills, buy his own food and clothes, etc. Tell him, "Congratulations! Today you are a man."

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

ETA: PS: I'd change the locks while he's gone if he has a key.

This is when I moved out at the age of 18. I was told that I could not do certain things and had to be home at a certain time. I was working and not inclined to go to college yet back then. I was too rebellious and moved out so that I could do my own thing.

By the way, I did finish college but never lost that rebellious streak as DH would testify.

 

[bluesaturn]

I wasn't really giving him permission and he certainly hasn't waited around for it for several years now, what I didn't do was try to convince him that he shouldn't be out driving MY CAR on NYE. I "relented" by telling him that he should stay wherever he was if he was drinking (underage btw) and to remember that he had packing and other responsibilities today.

And I'm curious, if he like his friends, was a freshman in college and home for the holidays, would it be a different scenario for those of you who are "blown away" or think I may have taken the "my house, my rules" too far? I think I gave the wrong impression when I said I relented, I should have said I managed to keep my big Mommy mouth shut and wish him a happy New Year! in a sincere effort to treat him like the man he is becoming...

The way you explained it in this post sounds most understandable, and more how I think we all pictured it happening.

Yes it would be different if he were a freshmen in college in my opinion. He would be coming home for several weeks at the holidays and a few months during the summer. In most cases parents are providing some sort of financial support so kids are not really fully independent yet. Also, through your previous posts it seems you've made it clear he is now out of the house and on his own. This is not the case for most people in college at 18 and 19, they are self-sufficient but they are still coming "home" more than just visiting their parents.

 

[bluesaturn]

The OP was talking about her underaged daughter.

An adult child home from college is definitely not the same thing. Neither, is the DS who is in the military. He can fight for his country, but can't go out to celebrate NYE.

My 2 daughters (one grown and one in college) celebrated last night in downtown Washington, DC in Georgetown with all the craziness that goes on there. I talked to both of them this morning and they had a good time, but neither one of them thought that the celebration was "their cup of tea". As a Mom, that's good to hear.

I hope everybody that had "children" (adult and otherwise) had them safely return home after their celebrations last night. Happy New Years to All.

A previous poster was talking about her college aged son home for Columbia. This poster was replying to that poster.

 

[mjkacmom]

Our family is invited to a party 15 minutes away (local roads), and we've always left by 10 - the roads are deserted! Dd then went over a friend's house for a sleepover. I'm never on the roads after midnight!

 

[LadyZolt]

This is when I moved out at the age of 18. I was told that I could not do certain things and had to be home at a certain time. I was working and not inclined to go to college yet back then. I was too rebellious and moved out so that I could do my own thing.

By the way, I did finish college but never lost that rebellious streak as DH would testify.

Good for you! I never lost my rebellious streak, either! LOL! I joined the Navy when I was 18 -- and my mom was sure not happy about that, but I didn't find out how she felt about it until years later when she told me. There was really no dissuading me -- I was 18 and wanted to see the world! I am all for 18-year-olds doing their own thing provided that they actually support themselves while they're doing it. If they're on their parents' dime, then they should respect and obey their parents' wishes.

 

[KimRaye]

During the Vietnam era-young men could drink at 18 -but they couldn't VOTE and had no say (via voting) about being drafted and shipped to 'Nam.

Now adays-if a young man is man enough to fight for his country at 18-then he should be able to drink.

Seriously?! You want those YOUNG MEN drunk AND fighting our battles? I think there's a reason they send KIDS to do this. I don't agree with it, but it is what it is. (BTW, I have SEVERAL family and friends - MATURE, dads, grandpas, great-grandpas, SERVING right now!)

I am all for 18-year-olds doing their own thing provided that they actually support themselves while they're doing it. If they're on their parents' dime, then they should respect and obey their parents' wishes.

Amen!

 

[PaulaSB12]

I don't understand the problem with teenagers wanting a spread their wings a bit. This its my way or the highway attitude seems so over the top, when you are a teenager being able to try your independance with your parents at your back seems a wonderfull thing. i know my parents wanted me to learn how to be independant but where a safety net if needed. As for a curfew I was working night shift when I was working while living at home so a curfew would have stopped me working.