Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

What a nice caring Mom you are. If this is your parent style I can assure you your DD will be fine. You sound loving and caring with this at her home she doesn't need superficial friends.

What is reassuring is that she branched out to the other girl that wasn't invited and they went to a movie. Closer friendships are more rewarding last longer.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Thank you all!
I dont think it would have bothered me so much if DD didn't make the comment , " I don't know how some of these girls got invited , I didn't even think they knew (party girl) that well.
These girls DD is referring to are a couple of her closer friends she hangs out with a lot .
I don't know the connection either . It's just crazy with this snapchat crap.
The girls at the party are posting stories at the party on snapchat and DD even has a lot of snapchat streaks going on with these girls . They snapchat back and forth and see how many consecutive days they can do it.
I know dumb but I guess in the middle school world it's a big deal.
So the girls are going back and forth with DD including the party girl. Ugh!

DD did say this party has been planned for a while . Before party girl and DD started talking , and I wouldn't even consider it talking it's more snapchat talking.
I picked her and her other friend up at the pool last night. They were both quiet but also said they were tired . It was almost 11:30.
Looking at the snapchat pictures it does seem almost like their whole circle was invited except....
My DD says this party girl is nice.
And I think how is she nice if she excludes, snapchats you from the party you weren't invited to , literally invites all your friends and not you?
I didn't say it but believe me I'm sure thinking it.

DD has an attitude at home at times too. I ask her a lot , do u talk to your friends like that too?
If she does that may be the issue too
I know I can't force her to make friends .
I was quiet , reserved and had like 2 friends growing up . I know first hand how much it hurts to be excluded and that was before social media
I guess I just want to protect her but I know that's not always possible and she has to find her way
But it just stinks
One of her friends she was close to since we moved here ( girls were 3)
Stopped doing things with DD last year.
Her mother pushed and pushed per other mutual friends to start hanging out with the popular crowd.
So DD and her talk on the school bus and at times at school but that's about it.
She is now riding the popular train. She also says that doesn't bother her because she's not the same person as when they were friends, but of course she was there too as she is every party now
My son is going to be a high school senior.
When he was her age he was just like her . Crazy thing: he went to Europe on a school trip two years ago.
He came back and told me that trip changed me.
I think it did. He is way more outgoing , has a wonderful new set of friends and is way more confident
Maybe I should send DD to Europe

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you all!
I dont think it would have bothered me so much if DD didn't make the comment , " I don't know how some of these girls got invited , I didn't even think they knew (party girl) that well.
These girls DD is referring to are a couple of her closer friends she hangs out with a lot .
I don't know the connection either . It's just crazy with this snapchat crap.
The girls at the party are posting stories at the party on snapchat and DD even has a lot of snapchat streaks going on with these girls . They snapchat back and forth and see how many consecutive days they can do it.
I know dumb but I guess in the middle school world it's a big deal.
So the girls are going back and forth with DD including the party girl. Ugh!

DD did say this party has been planned for a while . Before party girl and DD started talking , and I wouldn't even consider it talking it's more snapchat talking.
I picked her and her other friend up at the pool last night. They were both quiet but also said they were tired . It was almost 11:30.
Looking at the snapchat pictures it does seem almost like their whole circle was invited except....
My DD says this party girl is nice.
And I think how is she nice if she excludes, snapchats you from the party you weren't invited to , literally invites all your friends and not you?
I didn't say it but believe me I'm sure thinking it.

DD has an attitude at home at times too. I ask her a lot , do u talk to your friends like that too?
If she does that may be the issue too
I know I can't force her to make friends .
I was quiet , reserved and had like 2 friends growing up . I know first hand how much it hurts to be excluded and that was before social media
I guess I just want to protect her but I know that's not always possible and she has to find her way
But it just stinks
One of her friends she was close to since we moved here ( girls were 3)
Stopped doing things with DD last year.
Her mother pushed and pushed per other mutual friends to start hanging out with the popular crowd.
So DD and her talk on the school bus and at times at school but that's about it.
She is now riding the popular train. She also says that doesn't bother her because she's not the same person as when they were friends, but of course she was there too as she is every party now
My son is going to be a high school senior.
When he was her age he was just like her . Crazy thing: he went to Europe on a school trip two years ago.
He came back and told me that trip changed me.
I think it did. He is way more outgoing , has a wonderful new set of friends and is way more confident
Maybe I should send DD to Europe

Mom, peel yourself off the ceiling and try to LET THIS GO...it's eating at you in a really sad-sounding way.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thank you all!
I dont think it would have bothered me so much if DD didn't make the comment , " I don't know how some of these girls got invited , I didn't even think they knew (party girl) that well.
These girls DD is referring to are a couple of her closer friends she hangs out with a lot .
I don't know the connection either . It's just crazy with this snapchat crap.
The girls at the party are posting stories at the party on snapchat and DD even has a lot of snapchat streaks going on with these girls . They snapchat back and forth and see how many consecutive days they can do it.
I know dumb but I guess in the middle school world it's a big deal.
So the girls are going back and forth with DD including the party girl. Ugh!

DD did say this party has been planned for a while . Before party girl and DD started talking , and I wouldn't even consider it talking it's more snapchat talking.
I picked her and her other friend up at the pool last night. They were both quiet but also said they were tired . It was almost 11:30.
Looking at the snapchat pictures it does seem almost like their whole circle was invited except....
My DD says this party girl is nice.
And I think how is she nice if she excludes, snapchats you from the party you weren't invited to , literally invites all your friends and not you?
I didn't say it but believe me I'm sure thinking it.

DD has an attitude at home at times too. I ask her a lot , do u talk to your friends like that too?
If she does that may be the issue too
I know I can't force her to make friends .
I was quiet , reserved and had like 2 friends growing up . I know first hand how much it hurts to be excluded and that was before social media
I guess I just want to protect her but I know that's not always possible and she has to find her way
But it just stinks
One of her friends she was close to since we moved here ( girls were 3)
Stopped doing things with DD last year.
Her mother pushed and pushed per other mutual friends to start hanging out with the popular crowd.
So DD and her talk on the school bus and at times at school but that's about it.
She is now riding the popular train. She also says that doesn't bother her because she's not the same person as when they were friends, but of course she was there too as she is every party now
My son is going to be a high school senior.
When he was her age he was just like her . Crazy thing: he went to Europe on a school trip two years ago.
He came back and told me that trip changed me.
I think it did. He is way more outgoing , has a wonderful new set of friends and is way more confident
Maybe I should send DD to Europe

Friendships at this age are fluid. When dd13 was in elementary school, one girl always had big elaborate parties, dd was never invited, but all of her friends were. But, dd wasn't friends with her (never in the same class, different church). There was always some drama at the parties anyway (the girls was a bit of a mean girl). Starting in 5th grade or so, dd started to get invites, and they run in the same circle now (outside of dd's smaller circle).

It wasn't even until a couple of years ago that I realized dd is shy! Her first friends were children of my close friends, all within a few blocks, who she saw all of the time. Then her first friendships that she made on her own in kindergarten were girls who she danced with (several times a week), who are now like family. She is one who seems happiest with being with her bff's, although she does participate in the big group outings (and the Instagram girl love-fests of "ur so pretty!" "luv u so much!"

Your dd handled this great. Middle school is thankfully short, I've found it gets much easier in high school. When your child is slighted, it hurts us way more than them.

 

[Poohforyou]

Also, another thing to consider, being in the popular group is exhausting. You're never able to truly be yourself because you have to dress, act and generally be like the leaders of that crowd.

I am actually very thankful my dd is as confident as she is and is her own person. I wasn't that way and it led to a lot of heartaches.

Op, interesting that you mention your son going abroad and coming back a different person. My dd went abroad for 2 weeks as a sophomore and she is much more independent and outgoing than she was before that trip.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I get what you're saying. In early HS my DD made a new friend. Nice enough girl. But this girl's "BFF" didn't like that she was becoming close with DD, so every time those two went out - and it was a LOT - the BFF would send DD snapchats of them having fun and doing things with just the two of them. It was hard for DD, and eventually soured the friendship, as DD's friend seemed to enjoy all the attention she was getting and never asked her BFF to stop even though she knew it was hard for DD to see those all the time. And lots of other social media type issues - so it's more than just one situation. It's easy to say shut off social media, but that's just not how it is today. Social media is super important to today's young folks. (And my DD does minimal social media.)

I do agree you have to just let it go. I don't see why you can't talk to your DD about it tho. I mean, sure, don't make a super big deal about it so she feels worse, but if she's hurting that she didn't get invited somewhere and there's all these pictures circulating around their "community" that makes it blatantly obvious she was excluded, then sure, it's something you could talk about. It won't be the last time it happens. Good news is that, as a pp above me pointed out, friendships are fluid, and some of those who are friends and in the "in crowd" now, may not be later. My DD just graduated HS and it was pretty amazing to see who remained friends, and who didn't - even some of those who were very close early on. What I told my DD was to remain true to herself, to continue to be friendly to everyone, and to cherish the true friendships she has. Put it this way, she's glad she's going to college now. If your DD has any issues you think she could improve on, there's no reason you can't talk to her about those, IMO. Good luck.

 

[sam_gordon]

Is it possible the Bat Mitzvah girls parents are friends with your DD's friends parents? That is one explanation of why DD's friends got invited but she didn't. Your DD may not even know the parents are friends. Do they live in the same neighborhood? Go to the same synagogue? Play golf together? Tennis? Book club?

Instead of worrying about why your DD was excluded, just assume the other girls were included for reasons beyond the girl's control.

 

[BearFamily]

Is it possible the Bat Mitzvah girls parents are friends with your DD's friends parents? That is one explanation of why DD's friends got invited but she didn't. Your DD may not even know the parents are friends. Do they live in the same neighborhood? Go to the same synagogue? Play golf together? Tennis? Book club?

Instead of worrying about why your DD was excluded, just assume the other girls were included for reasons beyond the girl's control.

This is exactly what I was about to say. The kids at our (small) school may invite their entire grade to their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, but just as often it's a smaller group invited because it's a smaller party. Very often, kids who may not hang out with the child whose Bar Mitzvah it is are invited because their parents attend that synagogue, or their parents are just good friends even though the kids are only passing friends. Kids who are more casual friends at school may not be invited. It's the kind of party where sometimes, who the parents want to invite can mean more than who the kid wants to invite!

She had someone fun to hang out with and something fun to do. Let it go. Maybe keep an eye out if things turn mean, but if she's not upset, let her lead!

 

[ronandannette]

...I do agree you have to just let it go. I don't see why you can't talk to your DD about it tho. I mean, sure, don't make a super big deal about it so she feels worse, but if she's hurting that she didn't get invited somewhere and there's all these pictures circulating around their "community" that makes it blatantly obvious she was excluded, then sure, it's something you could talk about. It won't be the last time it happens. Good news is that, as a pp above me pointed out, friendships are fluid, and some of those who are friends and in the "in crowd" now, may not be later. My DD just graduated HS and it was pretty amazing to see who remained friends, and who didn't - even some of those who were very close early on. What I told my DD was to remain true to herself, to continue to be friendly to everyone, and to cherish the true friendships she has. Put it this way, she's glad she's going to college now. If your DD has any issues you think she could improve on, there's no reason you can't talk to her about those, IMO. Good luck.

OP's been pretty honest about the fact that her DD isn't very bothered by this situation - SHE is. There's also been no mention that the DD is asking for help or advice in this area at all. I don't think it's wise for the OP to project her own ideas of "social success" on her DD.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP's been pretty honest about the fact that her DD isn't very bothered by this situation - SHE is. There's also been no mention that the DD is asking for help or advice in this area at all. I don't think it's wise for the OP to project her own ideas of "social success" on her DD.

"Facebook depression" is a real phenomenon today. It may not occur with one episode, but over time, it can. This particular mom no doubt knows her daughter well enough to see it as a possible concern - if not now, in the future, as it continues to occur.

 

[gwynne]

1.Op, turn off the social media. If you didn't have that you wouldn't see the updates and you wouldn't know.

2.It truly doesn't matter to your dd. Let it go.

3. Sounds like you might be an extrovert with an introvert dd. Learn how she sees and relates to the world. It is different than extroverts.

4. Be so very glad it dooesn't matter to your dd. Don't look for trouble. Teen years will bring you plenty!

And I hope I can add:
5. Please find something to do that doesn't involve staring at your phone. It's the weekend. Surely there is some place you can go and enjoy spending time with your family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And I hope I can add:
5. Please find something to do that doesn't involve staring at your phone. It's the weekend. Surely there is some place you can go and enjoy spending time with your family.

Naturally. But I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to find many teenagers today who aren't glued to their phones. Did you see the U.S. Olympic team coming into the stadium last night?

 

[ronandannette]

"Facebook depression" is a real phenomenon today. It may not occur with one episode, but over time, it can. This particular mom no doubt knows her daughter well enough to see it as a possible concern - if not now, in the future, as it continues to occur.

Sure, of course she does. But if you actually read all of her posts, they are CLEAR that her DD isn't stressing over this, even the instagram stuff. It's all her - she even states it in her thread title. And FWIW, she seems quite well informed about the "social standing" of a lot of kids, not just her own DD. This is clearly a big issue for this mom.

 

[gwynne]

Naturally. But I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to find many teenagers today who aren't glued to their phones. Did you see the U.S. Olympic team coming into the stadium last night?

I think when there are 12 and still living with you there are some opportunities to quietly encourage alternative behavior. A mom who's got her nose in her phone, musing about missing out isn't setting a very good example.

 

[Skywalker]

He is way more outgoing , has a wonderful new set of friends and is way more confident
Maybe I should send DD to Europe

In relation to this part of your post - this type of attitude makes me cringe. Not everyone has to be outgoing and have huge sets of popular friends. Introverts are not defective lol. Can you just respect that your daughter is maybe introverted and prefers few friends and no drama. She does not need to be "fixed" with a trip to Europe. What if she comes back fundamentally the same person? Would the trip be deemed a failure?

Sure, of course she does. But if you actually read all of her posts, they are CLEAR that her DD isn't stressing over this, even the instagram stuff. It's all her - she even states it in her thread title. And FWIW, she seems quite well informed about the "social standing" of a lot of kids, not just her own DD. This is clearly a big issue for this mom.

And yeah.

 

[Magpie]

Maybe I should send DD to Europe

Hey, if you can afford it, why not? Trips to Europe are awesome.

But don't do it because you're counting on it to change your daughter's life, or expecting the trip to turn her into a different person.

Love the girl for who she is. Take your cues from her. If she's happy, then let her be happy! Don't try to "fix" her.

It may sound silly, but as the parent of both a very sweet introvert and also one of the most sarcastic extroverts you'll ever meet, I've taken a great deal of parenting inspiration from the children's book, "Ferdinand the Bull" (http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/ferdinand-urdu.pdf). Basically, Ferdinand isn't interested in running around and butting heads with all the other young bulls, and...

Sometimes his mother, who was a cow, would worry about him. She was afraid he would be lonesome all by himself.

“Why don’t you run and play with the other bulls and skip and butt your head?” she would say. But Ferdinand would shake his head. “I like it better here where I can sit quietly and smell the flowers.”

His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother, even though she was a cow, she let him just sit there and be happy.

I've always aspired to be at least as wise as that cow.

And my daughter is now 20. She didn't get invited to birthdays or parties and it never seemed to bother her, either. She's now in her second year of university, a straight A student, enjoying her second summer interning in the biology lab. She was invited to accompany her professor to a chemistry conference. She's getting to design and conduct her own research. She's got a couple of friends, and she continues to be a very happy, contented young woman.

We don't need an extensive social life or popularity to be a successful person. We just need to be happy being ourselves. And your job - as the mother - is to ensure that your daughter knows you think she's absolutely marvelous just as she is. If she's not bothered by the lack of an invite, then you should try not to be bothered by it, either.

 

[KBoopaloo]

2.It truly doesn't matter to your dd. Let it go.

3. Sounds like you might be an extrovert with an introvert dd. Learn how she sees and relates to the world. It is different than extroverts.

THIS. THIS.

I am an introvert even sometimes among my close friends who I love and have had for years (since middle school!). Growing up my mom often tried to push me to be more social and could not understand that I was 100% happy with my social life the way it was and that it was actually way more stressful for me to force myself to "be more social" than to hang out alone on a weekend night. It was exhausting for me to keep up the usual teenage level of socialization. I never felt like I was missing out and still don't nearly 20 years later. I have wonderful friends and don't miss out on anything I want to do but I tend to want to do less than they do so I still skip some stuff.

If your daughter is anything like me she probably feels worse that YOU feel bad about this for her than she feels bad about it herself. I would have been pretty psyched in middle school to not have to invent an excuse to skip a big party I wasn't really interested in anyway and see a movie with one close friend instead. What looks like a slight or being left out to someone else is often a blessing in disguise for an introvert. If she says it is no big deal, take her at her word and commend her for her mature attitude about it.

 

[sk!mom]

A
But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.

And this is the downside of social media. You feel left out of things that, prior to Social Media, you might not have even known about.

You've gotten lots of good advice. Be glad that your DD is feeling fine or at least handling it well.

I get it though- Oh, the times that I was hurt on DD20's behalf. Just keep it to yourself.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My mother had a tendency to be outraged on my behalf about things that I truly couldn't have cared less about. I'd get tired of hearing her carry on about it, that would lead to us arguing and, eventually, I just got to the point where I stopped telling her anything. My advice, trust that your daughter can handle her own feelings and doesn't need you projecting yours on her.

 

[Turn the Page]

"Facebook depression" is a real phenomenon today. It may not occur with one episode, but over time, it can. This particular mom no doubt knows her daughter well enough to see it as a possible concern - if not now, in the future, as it continues to occur.

I will agree that social media allows people to see what they have "missed out on" in a way that we couldn't do when we were kids. However, your post makes it sound like in order to avoid facebook depression people shouldn't be posting pictures of parties that not everyone they have ever met was invited to. If people have a problem seeing pictures of a party they, or in this case their child, wasn't invited to shouldn't that be a sign that the person feeling left out just can't handle social media rather than suggesting people shouldn't post pictures of their parties on facebook? I only had 11 total people at my wedding, I have over 100 facebook friends. Does that mean I shouldn't have posted pictures since people who weren't invited would see them and that might hurt their feelings?

This party was about the girl who had her bat mitzvah. It wasn't about the OP's DD and certainly wasn't about the OP. The OP needs to let it go and, if it bothers her so much, stop checking out the girls instagram for the play by play.