Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[King Schultz]

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

My advice is to drink heavily and let this one go.

It sounds to me like you've raised a pretty good kid; if she comes to you for help, sympathy, outrage, etc. over something like this then by all means, be proactive.

But she didn't, so let her deal with it. She seems to be doing a good job of it, and that's a credit to you.

 

[Asherry25]

Let it go, Elsa.

It's a really important lesson for kids to learn that they aren't always going to be included in everything or with everyone, even as adults. They need to learn how to feel comfortable in their own skin and with who they are despite their peers. Sounds like she's doing well with it!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Is it possible the Bat Mitzvah girls parents are friends with your DD's friends parents? That is one explanation of why DD's friends got invited but she didn't. Your DD may not even know the parents are friends. Do they live in the same neighborhood? Go to the same synagogue? Play golf together? Tennis? Book club?

Instead of worrying about why your DD was excluded, just assume the other girls were included for reasons beyond the girl's control.

I can't multi quote on my phone so I apologize ahead of time.
Two of DD's closer friends who were invited to the party , the parents aren't friends with the party girl parents.
Yes I do know that for a fact because we are friends with both sets of parents for years and socialize a lot with them , that's how DD became friends with their daughters in the first place.
DD was the one who stated in the first place not me she didn't know why they were invited.

 

[Mizzoufan]

OP. I could have written this post. Hugs.

 

[Shanti]

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

I think you should stop bringing the matter up with her. She's got a great attitude, & bringing it up with her can only make her feel that there is a problem that she wasn't invited...

This is what life is like with social media, seeing pictures of other people's parties & other special events one wasn't a part of. It's how things roll now & she'll have to deal with it if she chooses to use social media. That's a choice- remember that- if she ever begins to have a problem with it (she clearly doesn't now), I'd encourage her to get off the devices & focus on her own real life, rather than pictures of other people's lives.

That advice is good for parents, too.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

In relation to this part of your post - this type of attitude makes me cringe. Not everyone has to be outgoing and have huge sets of popular friends. Introverts are not defective lol. Can you just respect that your daughter is maybe introverted and prefers few friends and no drama. She does not need to be "fixed" with a trip to Europe. What if she comes back fundamentally the same person? Would the trip be deemed a failure?



And yeah.

I was kidding about sending her to Europe. She's 12 not 16 like DS was. If the time comes and she wants to go, she will but not to change her popularity , but for the experience of travel.
I never said DS was popular either, I said he has a really great group of friends , most that he met on that trip.
He is way more confident and outgoing since he was in Europe .
He was exactly like DD before he went . DS does tell DD she will find her way , none of his friends he hangs out with now except one , he hung out with at her age. He tells her that and that she doesn't want to be popular. He sees the popular crowd as they get to 15,16,17 and he tells her there's a reason they're popular.
I think I remember myself as a kid with only a couple friends, one moved away and another was outgoing and made new friends then there were none. I worry for DD . But I know she is what she is and I have to accept it.

She hasn't said anything today about anything and I definetly never said a word. She took the dog for a walk and we are going to dinner tonight and to the city tomorrow , so she'll be occupied.
I have her snapchat on my phone because we had an issue last year with a couple people being mean but I know I have to knock it off and stop stalking . It's weird I can admit that.

 

[kimblebee]

I can't multi quote on my phone so I apologize ahead of time.
Two of DD's closer friends who were invited to the party , the parents aren't friends with the party girl parents.
Yes I do know that for a fact because we are friends with both sets of parents for years and socialize a lot with them , that's how DD became friends with their daughters in the first place.
DD was the one who stated in the first place not me she didn't know why they were invited.

This post makes it sound like you care more about your social status over your daughter not being invited than hers. Hopefully I'm wrong..

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

This post makes it sound like you care more about your social status over your daughter not being invited than hers. Hopefully I'm wrong..

I'm not sure where u get that but that couldn't be further from the truth.
Husband and I socialize with a couple families and that's the extent
We used to be way more social when we first moved here almost 10 years ago but we learned a valuable lesson the hard way and now stick to our very small circle .
We have friends from our old neighborhood that we've known before children that we see the most.

Lots and lots of drama in the township we live in and I'm too old to get pulled into the vortex . Four divorces on our street alone in the past 6 months resulting from the drama.
If that's how my post came across it wasn't meant that way
I just stated we have known the parents of two of the girls invited for a while.
We consider the two couples friends

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm not sure where u get that but that couldn't be further from the truth.
Husband and I socialize with a couple families and that's the extent
We used to be way more social when we first moved here almost 10 years ago but we learned a valuable lesson the hard way and now stick to our very small circle .
We have friends from our old neighborhood that we've known before children that we see the most.

Lots and lots of drama in the township we live in and I'm too old to get pulled into the vortex . Four divorces on our street alone in the past 6 months resulting from the drama.
If that's how my post came across it wasn't meant that way
I just stated we have known the parents of two of the girls invited for a while.
We consider the two couples friends

I didn't read your post that way at all.

 

[Disney_traveler]

Ok I really think it is time to put this out of your mind. Worrying about why or how anyone was or wasn't invited is just going to create more and more stress.

If you happen to find your daughter crying over the event or if something else happens in the next few weeks as a result of her not being there, THEN definitely look into it. For now, it is time to forgive and forget and move on.

 

[Disney Doll]

If your kid isn't concerned about it I don't understand why you are.

 

[kimblebee]

I'm not sure where u get that but that couldn't be further from the truth.
Husband and I socialize with a couple families and that's the extent
We used to be way more social when we first moved here almost 10 years ago but we learned a valuable lesson the hard way and now stick to our very small circle .
We have friends from our old neighborhood that we've known before children that we see the most.

Lots and lots of drama in the township we live in and I'm too old to get pulled into the vortex . Four divorces on our street alone in the past 6 months resulting from the drama.
If that's how my post came across it wasn't meant that way
I just stated we have known the parents of two of the girls invited for a while.
We consider the two couples friends

Im glad I was wrong. Sorry..

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I will agree that social media allows people to see what they have "missed out on" in a way that we couldn't do when we were kids. However, your post makes it sound like in order to avoid facebook depression people shouldn't be posting pictures of parties that not everyone they have ever met was invited to. If people have a problem seeing pictures of a party they, or in this case their child, wasn't invited to shouldn't that be a sign that the person feeling left out just can't handle social media rather than suggesting people shouldn't post pictures of their parties on facebook? I only had 11 total people at my wedding, I have over 100 facebook friends. Does that mean I shouldn't have posted pictures since people who weren't invited would see them and that might hurt their feelings?

This party was about the girl who had her bat mitzvah. It wasn't about the OP's DD and certainly wasn't about the OP. The OP needs to let it go and, if it bothers her so much, stop checking out the girls instagram for the play by play.

No that's not what I meant.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My kids are both boys, but it seems the friendships start to change around 12/13 or so, or at least they did with my kids. They start to figure out who they are as a person or who they want to be, and they don't always keep the same group of friends that they had.

OP, definitely just let it go. It isn't a big deal to her, and it will be fine. From one mom whose kid is often on the outside of things, if she is happy, that's all that matters. She may not be part of the "in" group--that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Nancyg56]

OP- this is not a huge deal for your DD but it does seem to bother you a lot. My DGD is not shy, but she is not that kid who needs a lot of close friends. She is a good kid and is friendly, other kids like her but you won't find her hanging out with them all the time. My DH, who was a shy kid in his youth is always worrying that she is lonely, might be left out of something, or some other teen catastrophe will occur. Not my DGD. She loses ot one minute of sleep thinking about any of that. It is my DH problem.

You seem a bit like him. You worry about something that is nonexistent. I tell him to stop. Just stop. I woudl tell you the same thing. Get off of your phone, have a glass of wine and let your DD handle this. She is doing better at it than you are.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

If your kid isn't concerned about it I don't understand why you are.

Because she's a mother. When things like this happened to DS, they were much more heartbreaking for me than it would have been, if it had actually happened to me. As a parent, it's a natural instinct to want to protect your child from heartbreak. Of course, you can't protect them for everything. That doesn't mean you don't wish you could.

 

[gwynne]

Because she's a mother. When things like this happened to DS, they were much more heartbreaking for me than it would have been, if it had actually happened to me. As a parent, it's a natural instinct to want to protect your child from heartbreak. Of course, you can't protect them for everything. That doesn't mean you don't wish you could.

I think it helps to remember that many of these awkward situations are teachable moments. If the parent approaches things from a place of resiliency, it can be a good example for the child. We're not all going to be invited to everything, we are not all going to have every opportunity. And that's OK.

 

[Bluestars]

It's possible that some of your daughter's friends were invited because they had more conversations with the girl at the time the girl made her invitation list. This will all blow over and in the scheme of things is very insignificant. Since it doesn't seem to bother your daughter, then it's time to move on and let it go. Some kids are content with having just a few friends and it probably makes their lives much easier, especially when it comes to peer pressure in high school. If she seems lonely, you could encourage her to get involved in more actives. My son said that his biggest regret in high school was not getting involved in more activities until his junior year.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I think it helps to remember that many of these awkward situations are teachable moments. If the parent approaches things from a place of resiliency, it can be a good example for the child. We're not all going to be invited to everything, we are not all going to have every opportunity. And that's OK.

I never showed my DS how sad I was for him. I kept it to myself or talked to DH about it. OTOH, I definitely didn't use his disappointments as teaching moments. If he was upset, I comforted him. If he didn't seem to care, I didn't bring it up. I certainly didn't insinuate that he should expect to be disappointed many times in life & that was okay. In the long run, it would would make him stronger. He learned that life can be hard & things don't always go your way on his own. I didn't need to remind him of that every time he was disappointed. Life can be hard. IMO, getting sympathy & support from your parents shouldn't be.

 

[gwynne]

I never showed my DS how sad I was for him. I kept it to myself or talked to DH about it. OTOH, I definitely didn't use his disappointments as teaching moments. If he was upset, I comforted him. If he didn't seem to care, I didn't bring it up. I certainly didn't insinuate that he should expect to be disappointed many times in life & that was okay. In the long run, it would would make him stronger. He learned that life can be hard & things don't always go your way on his own. I didn't need to remind him of that every time he was disappointed. Life can be hard. IMO, getting sympathy & support from your parents shouldn't be.

I absolutely believed (and still do) in teachable moments.
I listened sympathetically, but also gently helped them to remember that a new opportunity will come. I'm a positive person....not big on the life can be hard stuff.
It's possible to be kind, patient, sympathetic (and not rushed) but also gradually encourage resiliency.