Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[roliepolieoliefan]

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

She'll be fine. I think this is all part of growing up!

 

[wenrob]

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

Knock it off, it'll be okay.

I feel you though, middle school is so tough. Nothing meaner than middle school girls. My oldest will be twenty in a couple of weeks and I still get upset at some of the things that went on when she was in middle school. We have to let them find their way though, it's how they learn to navigate life. Try not to make a big deal over it. She might really be okay about it and if she's not, you not letting it go will make her feel worse. In the grand scheme this party won't matter.

 

[cornflkgrl]

I think it would help her if you don't act like it is a big deal. If she is fine, let her be fine.

 

[low-key]

nothing hurts more then when your child is left out

 

[usnuzuloose]

Heck, I did not get invited to things. I never thought to much about it. I learned I will not get invited to everything. Don't worry.

 

[wilkeliza]

If she is saying it is no big deal and is fine with the amount of friends she has then I wouldn't focus on her not being invited and would also not focus on forcing her to make more friends. Some people are perfectly content with just having a few friends.

Also just think would it really have been better for your daughter to get the invite and then be left out or sit out herself the entire night? Bat Mitzvah (that's what it is for a girl) parties are very big socially involved events and it sound like your DVD had a wonderful night on her terms anyways with her friend who also wasn't invited. I'd trust her that she is okay.

 

[ashley0139]

Knock it off, it'll be okay.

I feel you though, middle school is so tough. Nothing meaner than middle school girls. My oldest will be twenty in a couple of weeks and I still get upset at some of the things that went on when she was in middle school. We have to let them find their way though, it's how they learn to navigate life. Try not to make a big deal over it. She might really be okay about it and if she's not, you not letting it go will make her feel worse. In the grand scheme this party won't matter.

None of this sounds mean. OP says that the bat mitzvah girl and her DD aren't really friends. The invite list probably had to be cut somewhere. Sometimes people don't get invited to things. It doesn't make the girls mean.

 

[fly girl]

If you've ever been left out, you remember the hurt. (5th grade a girl passed out invites in front of me. I wasn't invited.) OP, did the lack of invite bring up old memories?

But it sounds like it really doesn't bother your daughter, which is good.

Then let it go, she's with a friend now. It's not like she doesn't have good friends.

I'd much rather have a few close friends than a sea of acquaintances.

 

[wenrob]

None of this sounds mean. OP says that the bat mitzvah girl and her DD aren't really friends. The invite list probably had to be cut somewhere. Sometimes people don't get invited to things. It doesn't make the girls mean.

I guess I could have been clearer. I did not mean this specific girl was mean or that not being invited was mean just that middle school was rough and the kids could be mean.

 

[jevs]

I'm sorry your daughter was left out but it sounds like she's all good with it.

Pour yourself a glass of something

And, I agree with FlyGirl, much rather a few close friends than a load of acquaintances.

 

[ronandannette]

nothing hurts more then when your child is left out

This is very true, but OP, you do need to knock it off. The last thing you want to project on your DD is that she OUGHT to feel worse than she does about the situation. From the way you describe her, it's possible she has an introverted temperament and along with that comes somewhat limited relational needs - relatively speaking. She probably IS fine with the number of friends she has and the amount of social events. Please, please, don't do or say anything to stir up feelings of rejection that she doesn't have on her own. The best thing you can do is never mention this again.

 

[scrapquitler]

A girl in DD's grade ( going into 7th) had her bar mitzvah tonight.
Its a pretty huge event. Big invite list at a fancy local hotel ballroom.
It seems every girl DD is friends with was invited except two, including DD

DD talks to this girl here and there but not a whole lot in the past. DD said she talks more to her recently but they dont hang out or anything . The Bar Mitzvah girl runs with the popular girls , but plenty of the girls invited are not part of that group

She said it doesnt bother her and she doesnt care. She called a friend who wasnt invited either and they went to a movie at the community pool.

But the girls keep posting on instagram and snapchat play by play of the party.
DD is shy and only has a few friends. She doesnt make friends easy and its difficult for her to talk to people she doesnt know. Ive tried to encourage her to branch out and make new friends but she wont

I feel bad for DD and her friend. She says it doesnt bother her she wasnt invited. I think to a point she isnt lying . I do feel it bothers me more than her.

Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

Knock it off! If she's not upset, don't think about it again.

I will tell you that I was a little hurt once when my daughter didn't get invited to a party. All but 2 or 3 girls in her class in 4th grade got invited to one birthday party, and DD was one of the excluded ones. I was a little miffed because every one of those girls (including the birthday girl) had been to DD's party just a few weeks before. I mentioned it to my Mom at the time, and she told me to knock it off. My daughter didn't care, either so it was kind of weird that I was more upset about it than she was.

Like your daughter, my daughter didn't have a ton of friends, but the ones she had were nice kids, and they were good friends to her, which I think is a lot more important than being popular.

 

[gotomu212]

I was someone who had a smaller number of really good friends as a kid. Although there were less in numbers they more than made up by the strength of our friendship. This arrangement was perfect for me (and I don't think I even noticed). My sister on the other hand was very popular. The funny thing is she always seemed unhappy due to some friendship drama while I feel like I had a pretty easy go of middle school and high school avoiding any mean girl behavior.

If your daughter isn't upset I think you thank your lucky stars that she's happy and not phased.

 

[emer95]

This has happened with my daughters before, and it is so painful. Definitely worse for Mama. The difference for our kids is stupid social media puts it in their faces over and over again. When it happened to us as kids, we'd just have to hear about it the next day at school.

I'm sorry this happened. Middle school years are so rough.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Your DD is handling it better than you are--that's a good thing! So, at least in front of her, you need to act like this is no big deal. Fuming privately is perfectly fine.

This happens to everyone, and it sucks. No two ways about it. It breaks our Mom hearts when it happens to our child. Here's what you can and cant' do:

DO NOT:

-blame the party-throwing child. Even if she did this intentionally, and you don't know that (they weren't good friends, she may have had a guest limit, she may have had parental pressure), sh'es a child. There's a decent chance that, even if she's a mean girl, she'll grow out of it.

-act like this is the end of the world to your DD.

-remember this and keep score. You have many years to go before your DD leaves the nest, there will be other parties and other chances for people to be excluded. It might even be your DD at one point, doing the excluding, whether purposely or not.

DO:

-appreciate that your DD handled this with maturity and grace.

-congratulate the bat mitzvah girl or her parents, if you see them--this is an important milestone. This is how YOU show maturity and grace, which your DD is clearly learning.

-crab and moan all you want, in private or only to your best girlfriend, who gets that this isn't life-altering, but it still makes your heart hurt.

-let it go, eventually.

Good luck, the teen years are a roller coaster.

 

[Poohforyou]

My dd 16 wasn't invited to an actual friend's 16th birthday party. They aren't close friends but have been friends since 3rd grade. I was kind of annoyed since this girl is invited to and attends dd's parties. I have no idea what happened there. They're still friends though and she'll continue to be invited to stuff.

It didn't bother my dd and didn't even come up until long after it happened. My dd is like yours in that she doesn't have a lot of close friends. She isn't shy and can talk to strangers. She's just happy doing her own thing.

Let it go. I know how hard that is. Good for your dd that she isn't upset.

 

[Christine]

Definitely knock it off. This doesn't sound like a "mean girls" issue either and nothing was done wrong here. I get how you are feeling though but keep it to yourself.

Your daughter sounds a lot like most introverts and being easy going and making friends with people is sometimes difficult. That's how I was. It didn't mean people didn't like me though--I was fine and people treated me well but because of *MY* introverted personality and it sometimes *seemed* like I was standoffish, it was hard to click in with certain people. This is something that will happen to her throughout her life and it sounds good that she has accepted that about herself.

 

[Southernmiss]

1.Op, turn off the social media. If you didn't have that you wouldn't see the updates and you wouldn't know.

2.It truly doesn't matter to your dd. Let it go.

3. Sounds like you might be an extrovert with an introvert dd. Learn how she sees and relates to the world. It is different than extroverts.

4. Be so very glad it dooesn't matter to your dd. Don't look for trouble. Teen years will bring you plenty!

 

[mom2rtk]

1.Op, turn off the social media. If you didn't have that you wouldn't see the updates and you wouldn't know.

This times 100.