Dating Someone is who Separated

[bsnyder]

I don't think you can make any hard and fast rules for this. Maybe in a lot of situations, the new person is a just a "transitional" relationship, and you should save yourself the heartache.

But every situation is different. In my case, my ex and I had been separated for a year and a half when I met DH. It wasn't a situation where there was even a remote chance that we would get back together. But we were both emotionally wrung out from the process of actually separating and all the pain that that involved, that neither one of us had the "stomach" to go through the legal process. Maybe we were just procrastinating, I don't know, but I remember that I felt I could face the pain of the actual "paper" process, and felt that it wouldn't hurt anything, or change anything to wait a while.

And in our case, we actually were "friends" by the time we did go to court and make it legal, so it worked out okay. I know that this is probably the exception to the rule, but if my DH had taken the line of not dating a separated person, who knows how things would have turned out.

 

[nuts4sn00py]

As someone already said, follow your gut. My DH was seperated when I met him & we have been together 16 years & married almost 10. My friends were against us being together & so was my Dad. Needless, to say, they all agreed I made the right choice. My DH married his H.S. sweetheart & the marriage was short lived. Everybody is different & every situation is different. His ex re-married before him & we all get along. My Dh & his ex had 2 girls together, him & I have a boy & a girl & his ex & her DH have a boy & girl. I know we are the exception to the rule, but it can work! Again, go with your gut, I find that my gut feeling is right about 98% of the time. Just my $.02. Kathy

 

[JasonLyons]

you slut

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by MeanLaureen
Well I guess I'm going to get flamed here. DH Matthew (Obi-Wan Pinobi) and I started dating when I was just seperated and my divorce wasn't final until 6 months later.

In my case, substitute Matthew for my DH of 10+ years, substitute 6 months for 5 months and, we married 2 months after the final divorce.

Flame away. (MeanLaureen & I will be wearing fire-proof suits!)

 

[epcotfan]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD
I wouldn't do it.

I can't tell you how many couples I've known that were "seperated" that were on again, off again for years.

Then again I personally probably wouldn't date someone who was divorced either.

Ditto

 

[KimRaye]

Then again I personally probably wouldn't date someone who was divorced either.

Originally posted by epcotfan


Ditto

That might limit your 'field' just a tad.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Originally posted by KimRaye
That might limit your 'field' just a tad.

Yes, but then it'll be easier for me to spot the one for me.

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD

Yes, but then it'll be easier for me to spot the one for me.

Hmmm, ya think? I HOPE DH would disagree with you on that.

We're not ALL as bad as you may think!

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Originally posted by KimRaye
Hmmm, ya think? I HOPE DH would disagree with you on that.

We're not ALL as bad as you may think!

I never said that people who've had a divorce were bad. A good friend of mine is going through one right now. Just as some people wouldn't date a smoker, it's a personal choice. I never said that no one should be in that situation, but it's certainly one that I personally wouldn't get involved in. Sorry if it came off differently than I intended for it to be.

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD
Sorry if it came off differently than I intended for it to be.

Not at ALL, Jeff! Just DIScussing the favorable stories in this scenario!

bsnyder: but if my DH had taken the line of not dating a separated person, who knows how things would have turned out.

Personally.... I wouldn't have my DD!

(Just a couple of people who are happy in this situation.)

But, it IS a personal choice! And, I respect yours!

(BTW, I'm previously divorced, re-married AND I Smoke! As much as I Like you, We're not meant to be!! ) j/k with ya!!

 

[epcotfan]

Hmmm I didn't think my options were limited. I think there are actually some people out there that haven't been married or seperated.

I didn't mean anything bad by my "ditto" I just feel (FOR ME) that I wouldn't want to date someone that was divorced or currently seperated. If I am a lonely old lady for the rest of my life, so be it.

I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine

 

[MeanLaureen]

Yes, but then it'll be easier for me to spot the one for me.

So divorced women have some sort of "fault" or "undesirableness" around them?

Gee, little did I know that when I married the person I was in love with when I was 21 that he would be physically and mentally abusive to me 7 yrs later. I stuck it out for 3 yrs before I finally called an end to it. I never realized that I would be considered damaged goods by some people. Maybe I should have stayed in the marriage and suffered with the abuse, huh?

 

[TXTIGGR]

Lots of well-meaning thoughts here, from people with loads of experience ... except for Jason ... but ... It's your choice and ... after all ... your life, right?

I'm going through a divorce right now, and can tell you that there are as many different situations as people getting divorced.
And btw, sometimes (as in my case) it's the legal process that drags out the divorce, not the people.

So, I agree with wvjules, tuffcookie, etal. who suggest you go in slowly, carefully, with eyes wide open, following your gut as to the person you're interested in.

DON'T settle for anything less than complete honesty in the situation.

Good Luck, I hope things work out for you.

 

[kylara]

I also say go with your gut insticts. People separate for many reasons, some lead to divorce, others don't. You will need to talk with the person to try and get an idea of what might happen.

I know that when I got divorced, we filed uncontested. In MA (at the time of my divorce) and uncontested divorce doesn't become final for 6 months after the court hearing (just in case you want to change your mind, I guess). So even though my marriage was over and a divorce was granted, I was till only "separated" in the eyes of the court until that date 6 months later.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Originally posted by MeanLaureen
So divorced women have some sort of "fault" or "undesirableness" around them?

As people or friends, no, but I wouldn't get involved with someone who's been in a previous marriage. Some people wouldn't date someone with a kid. It's not that they dislike them or think they're bad people or anything, it's just not the right fit for them.

Gee, little did I know that when I married the person I was in love with when I was 21 that he would be physically and mentally abusive to me 7 yrs later. I stuck it out for 3 yrs before I finally called an end to it. I never realized that I would be considered damaged goods by some people. Maybe I should have stayed in the marriage and suffered with the abuse, huh?

Damaged goods? I don't believe I've ever said anything remotely like that. I'm sorry to hear about the situation you went through.

Some women wouldn't date a guy who was overweight, but I don't feel like I'm damaged goods because I buy clothes in the big guy area. Some women wouldn't date a guy under 6'0, but I don't feel like less of a person because I'm 5'11. It's simply a matter of taste. I'm sorry if you read something into my post that wasn't intended & took it personally.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Jeff, sorry if I misunderstood your intentions. I'm sensitive to this issue because while I was going through my divorce (which was uncontested since I had evidence of him making plans to have me molested by another man - but still took almost a year) I was called all sorts of names for dating other people while we were seperated. Most of these things wouldn't pass the filter here. I had to get on with my life though.

And as far as women not going out with men due to physical appearances - I guess I'm one of the rare people out there. I've learned after being married to a very handsome man the first time who treated me like garbage that you cannot base love on the outside. After that I learned it was the real person inside that matters and all the time I spend dating I never discriminated against someone due to height (Being 5'10" most of my dates were my height or shorter anyway) or weight or whether they were bald or had a full head of hair.. you name it. Maybe being a divorcee isn't a bad thing in my case. It surely made me grow as a person and opened my eyes to a whole lot of people out there that others may have missed.