Dating: Should you date to get married or date to have fun?

[Heidict]

I never went out looking for a husband and I never went on a date thinking about the future. It was for fun. Dinner, a movie, dancing, whatever. I think when you run around looking for a husband then you give off a desperate "vibe" that people can pick up on and things just tend to go downhill from there.

Relax, have fun. You never know when mister right is going to come along. In the meantime, enjoy yourself.

I think the question then becomes, if you become intimate in your dating life, can you then discern whether or not someone is good marriage material?

Just because you go out on a date, or a few dates with someone doesn't mean that you are being intimate with them. Even if you are intimate though, you can determine if this person has the values, traits and beliefs that you would want in a spouse and allow your emotions and attachments to proceed from there.

 

[mrsklamc]

Honestly, I kinda wonder what's behind the question. Guess I don't know what other thread OP is talking about but- I think it's ok to date for fun OR for marriage-

BUT you should be honest with the other person to. For example, I know a guy who stayed in a long term relationship with a girl for a several years when he KNEW she was expecting to marry him, and he KNEW he had no intention of marrying her but the um, non dis-friendly fun was good.

In THAT case I think it was mean of him to keep dating 'just for fun.' But if we are talking about *************- I think people can date for fun OR for marriage- whatever their goal is. Just communicate honestly.

 

[sbell111]

to have fun, why put the pressure on to marry?

I agree.

I think that the best way to ruin early dates is to concentrate too much on marriageablity. Heck, for teh most part people are concentrating so hard on making it a good date that they don't even really show their true selves in these early interactions.

 

[luvmy3]

Even though I was married a month after I turned 23, I would say that 21 is too young to be looking for a husband. I think people should date to have fun, always. If you are looking for a spouse I think there is just too much of an expectation that you need to find the right person. I wasn't looking for dh when we met, in fact I wasn't looking to even date at the time and neither was he. There was no expectation, we just had a lot in common and a great time with eachother when we were dating, that we eventually decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with eachother because of that. I think if we started the relationship right off the bat hoping we we would get married, we wouldn't have had the same relationmship we did/do. Does that make sense?

 

[disykat]

I would say I definitely dated to have fun - not with the goal of marriage in mind. Marriage didn't come into the equation until I met the right person - and sex didn't come into the equation until I married him.

I would consider any relationship that includes sex to have gone beyond what I would call "dating" and more into the "significant other" realm.

 

[Forevryoung]

A year ago I put myself on Jdate to meet guys and HAVE FUN. I don't drink so finding guys in bars wasn't happening and there aren't many places to meet guys here that are my age (mid 20's).

It was a blast. It was so not like me but it was a great experience. I literally had a different date lined up for each day. Rarely first dates became second and third dates. None made it past the fourth date. It was two months of craziness and honestly I would do it again. I have great stories that still make me giggle.

I met DBF while in the midst of my crazy dating. He was one of the above guys and it clicked. While I'm in no hurry, I do think about the rest of my life with this guy (marriage and kids). We hit the year mark in 2 weeks.

The funny thing is that I had 2 more guys scheduled the same weekend as DBF and I met them both even after meeting DBF (who obviously wasn't DBF yet).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It doesn't have to be. But many people are not comfortable going to the next level (intimatcy) in a dating relationship outside of marriage. And of course, some people want children (within the marriage framework).

Ok, I thought about this statement. And I think that you are overthinking a bit or you are in a bit of a pickle. Hard to tell from your post.

You need to relax a bit and go with the flow and have some fun. If the intimacy things arises then you cross that bridge when you come to it.

If you are in a situation where someone is pressuring you and you are not on the same page, then you are not a match.

Key here is you have to find someone first. Part of that includes dating and having fun with people.

I hope that is some of what you are looking for in an answer.

 

[FINFAN]

well, in the words of my DD who will be 20 in a few months..."when it's not fun it's done". She has been with the same guy for almost 3 years, but not really into marriage so maybe that skews her outlook?
I say for fun, fun meaning more fun than stress, more good than bad. If it's toxic and negative, it's bad news. Marriage is sort of a technical step to me, not really the objective ( even tho I have been married almost 24 years) I agree with my DD 100%.

 

[Forevryoung]

well, in the words of my DD who will be 20 in a few months..."when it's not fun it's done". She has been with the same guy for almost 3 years, but not really into marriage so maybe that skews her outlook?
I say for fun, fun meaning more fun than stress, more good than bad. If it's toxic and negative, it's bad news. Marriage is sort of a technical step to me, not really the objective ( even tho I have been married almost 24 years) I agree with my DD 100%.

I dated guys long term (greater than a year) even when I knew that I wouldn't/couldn't marry them from nearly the start. It was fun and when I was ready to move on, we have been able to stay friends.

 

[dislaney]

I think you should date to have fun. There is so much pressure to find a husband/wife at a certain point that it takes the fun out of dating. I found my husband when I wasn't even looking to get married.

 

[Evil Genius]

At the age of 50 I date to have fun. If marriage happens that's fine, if not, oh well.

 

[frndshpcptn]

A year ago I put myself on Jdate to meet guys and HAVE FUN. I don't drink so finding guys in bars wasn't happening and there aren't many places to meet guys here that are my age (mid 20's).

It was a blast. It was so not like me but it was a great experience. I literally had a different date lined up for each day. Rarely first dates became second and third dates. None made it past the fourth date. It was two months of craziness and honestly I would do it again. I have great stories that still make me giggle.

I met DBF while in the midst of my crazy dating. He was one of the above guys and it clicked. While I'm in no hurry, I do think about the rest of my life with this guy (marriage and kids). We hit the year mark in 2 weeks.

The funny thing is that I had 2 more guys scheduled the same weekend as DBF and I met them both even after meeting DBF (who obviously wasn't DBF yet).

This is exactly what I have been doing for the past few months.

I started a thread yesterday, though, about not having the motivation to really keep going out and meeting the guys I "met" on the site.

I am 6 months out of a 7 year relationship (in my early 30's) and am just not sure I am really ready to date again. While I enjoy chatting with the guys I have met online, when it's time to go to the next step (phone / drinks), I tend to want to bail. I've made myself go out on a number of dates, but when they call for date 2, I just don't generally want to go.

(this is, I think, how this all came up - it started on the Dating Advice thread yesterday)

 

[Sarah_Rose]

I would only date people who had "marriage potential" in college. I got out of a long term relationship right at the end of college, and promptly moved across the world for a year. During that year, I started dating for fun (because I knew I would only be around for a year) and had a great time. I dated people I wouldn't normally have given a second look to, and few of those dates turned into second dates, but it was still a great time and I met tons of new people and learned a lot about myself.

After I came home, I was asked out by a guy who normally would never be on my "dating radar" but who was sweet and funny and was quickly becoming a friend. I figured worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, but I have a night of amusing conversation and then we go back to just being friends. Five years later, we're married and I'm pregnant with our first child.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I have no dating experience because I don't think jr high school "going together" boyfriends count. I have been with my dh since I have been 15 and I am 38 (23 years). I love my dh but I would have loved to have dated more guys for fun. I have no idea what it is like to date and maybe it is awful or ackward or pressure-filled but I would like to have experienced it nonetheless. I think my dh feels the same way. We married way too young and in my next life I am gonna hold off on the married part and have some FUN! Just a different perspective but i'd say go for the FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

After I came home, I was asked out by a guy who normally would never be on my "dating radar" but who was sweet and funny and was quickly becoming a friend. I figured worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, but I have a night of amusing conversation and then we go back to just being friends. Five years later, we're married and I'm pregnant with our first child.

Awww..

 

[mumom95]

I think you should date for fun.

But, if you do eventually want to get married, I think there comes a point in a relationship where you have to decide if this person is someone you could be with long term. And if the answer is no, even if you are having fun, I would think it would be time to move on.

Now, if you could care less about getting married, then I say just go out and have fun.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

I think if marriage is your optimal outcome, then you're wasting your time if you are dating for fun and don't really see a future with the individual. Different strokes for different folks, but personally I've never been successful when I've dated for fun and out of boredom. Not being as picky found me the biggest tools. I come across a lot of men in my occupation, so I'm hoping this year will bring someone interesting. Fingers crossed!

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I was never interested in dating for "fun" past high school. If I knew someone I was dating wasn't someone that I could spend the rest of my life with then I did not proceed.

I could never disconnect my feelings from intimacy though - if I was intimate with someone it was because I felt I was "in love". Because dating typically leads to intimacy within a few months I limited the number of relationships I entered into.

I also just preferred being single to dating someone I wasn't really into. Being single never bothered me at all, but I know a lot of people who seem to need to be in a relationship all the time.

Some people can successfully date for "fun" and I think that's great. It just wasn't for me.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I was never interested in dating for "fun" past high school. If I knew someone I was dating wasn't someone that I could spend the rest of my life with then I did not proceed.

I could never disconnect my feelings from intimacy though - if I was intimate with someone it was because I felt I was "in love". Because dating typically leads to intimacy within a few months I limited the number of relationships I entered into.

I also just preferred being single to dating someone I wasn't really into. Being single never bothered me at all, but I know a lot of people who seem to need to be in a relationship all the time.

Some people can successfully date for "fun" and I think that's great. It just wasn't for me.

Agreed. Nicely stated.

I don't think the word "should" belongs in the OP's question though. There is no right or wrong answer, in my opinion. Everyone needs to decide for themselves which option makes them happier and go for it.

 

[angie@dvcstore]

For me you should date with the intentions of getting married once you've passed the "bloom of youth" then that way your ready and mature for marriage