Dating question, is it a red flag or am I jumping the gun?

[Angelhalo]

he sounds like a creepster and he made you uncomfortable. I would high tail it outta there, and HAVE done so in the past.

I had a VERY similar date once with a guy who told dirty jokes and made lewd references etc on our first date. He creeped me out big time despite some good moments of conversation in between the yucky stuff so I never went out with him again. I am now happily married and glad I never gave the creepster another chance.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Just like the PP as I was reading your story all I could think of was EWWWWWW.

The guy being interested isn't the problem. The fact that he clearly was either unable or unwilling to accept your signals for lack of interest is a problem. This was forgivable in High School, when guys are goofy and inexperienced but a 45 year old man should have figured this stuff out by now. It makes me wonder what sorts of women he does spend time with... another ewwww moment. Nothing worse than a fumbling desperate older guy, I like men sophisticated with finesse not the sort who would remind me of being 15 at the Jr Prom... YIKES.

 

[dislaney]

The thing that would bother me the most is that you tried to redirect the conversation and he kept going back. And yeah an inexperienced high school boy doing that is one thing, but a 45 year old man- not cool! Even if you tell him that the first date was not the best, would he listen? I don't think I'd go on a second date with him.

 

[N&B'smom]

Run, don't just walk, in the opposite direction of this man!

EXACTLY!

If you do decide to give him another chance, casually pass a comment about how you don't think it's fair to have sex with him while you're having a flair up. See if he still pushes the sex talk then.

 

[Disney Doll]

It sounds as if there is a reason why this person is 45 and not married.
Once I got into my late 20's, I didn't waste time trying to fix men who I didn't have a good "vibe" about on our first date.

I don't care how much or little dating experience someone has....it sounds like you pretty clearly transmitted your discomfort with his sexual talk and he continued it anyway. A gentleman woud have realized that the "maneuver" he was using wan't working. He's not stupid, is he???? The fact the he knows your father also makes this seem even more disrespectful to me.

A 12 year age difference would also be a consideration for me personally. I think it's a lot.

Three drinks on the date probably wouldn't bother me too much, unless the date was only an hour long. If it was a pretty long evening time-wise (6pm- 11pm with food included) I wouldn't think 3 drinks is terrible. I also don't necessarily think going to a Friday night group thing where he hangs out and plays pool is terrible. After all, he has been a single guy so it's not like he had anything better to do on a Friday night. I would take some issue with him thinking that I would be willing to spend EVERY Friday night like that though. I have no problem with hubby hanging out with his buddies but if it took precedence over stuff we needed to do all the time, it would become a problem.

My sum total opinion....lose him. The sex thing is gross, the every Friday night thing will be a problem I think, because he is expecting that you are just going to go along with it, and the "too quick" feeling of involvement always freaks me out. I don't like a 1st date planning what I am going to be doing 6 months from now.

As far as Dad...I would try to tell him that there were red flags about him that you didn't care for and leave it at that. Problem is, if they are co-workers, you don't know what he's going to be telling Dad on the other end, but I can see how you don't want to tell Dad that he was sexually "pushy" because then Dad might feel the need to go into work and say something. Maybe if Dad pushes for reasons, cite the age difference and your concern that he might have drank a bit too much....they are a little more palatable reasons for a father to hear, I think, and then he and Dad will be able to continue to work together.

 

[Shmily1]

It really sounds to me like he's insecure more than a creepster. If he hasn't had many relationships, he may not exactly know how to act, and may be just trying to impress you and thinks that's what he's suppose to do to win you over. I would say maybe make another date with him but if he starts bringing all that up again, explain that you aren't into instant relationships but would like to take it slowly. I also think that's why he wants to invite you to everything he's invited to. He may not have had many dates to carry places with him to hang out with his friends and wants to enjoy having you around like he sees his coupled friends.

Good luck!

 

[nmmom95]

If he made you uncomfortable on the first date, it's not going to get any better when he actually knows you and is comfortable around you. Trust your instincts. He doesn't sound like he's right for you.

 

[Nancyg56]

You don't like him, he made you uncomfortable. you do not need to give him a second date, jus tmove on.

Years ago, many years ago. I had one date with a man who just creeped me out. No real reason, I just felt "off" with him so I never saw him again. A coworker asked me if I cared if she dated him and I said not at all. One day she asked me ehy I would not see him again so I told her, the little things that added up all night. I guess he was a bit of a sickie and while it took a few dates for her to pick that up it confirmed that I was right to follow my gut.

Follow yours.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Run, don't just walk, in the opposite direction of this man!

Trust your gut! If this is how he acts when he doesnt know you well, it will only be worse later.

 

[Klismania]

I don't think it would be horrible for you to give him a second change, but I don't see it working out.

But, I don't think it's freaky for him not to be married at 45. I know a 41 year old guy who's never been married and he's a great guy. He's looking - just hasn't found the right person. I also know a 46 year old woman who has never been married. Nothing wrong with her (she's a wonderful psychologist), either.

Ditto. I know people in their 40's and 50's (both men and woman) who are still single and have no intentions to change that anytime soon. They value freedom more than the occasional loneliness and I can find nothing wrong with them or their lifestyle. Not everyone is cut out to get married and/or have children.

It really sounds to me like he's insecure more than a creepster. If he hasn't had many relationships, he may not exactly know how to act, and may be just trying to impress you and thinks that's what he's suppose to do to win you over. I would say maybe make another date with him but if he starts bringing all that up again, explain that you aren't into instant relationships but would like to take it slowly. I also think that's why he wants to invite you to everything he's invited to. He may not have had many dates to carry places with him to hang out with his friends and wants to enjoy having you around like he sees his coupled friends.

Good luck!

That's how I see it, too. He didn't really "force" himself on her; he simply kept going on about the sex thing when she tried to redirect the conversation. Icky, yes. But if he's not used to relationships with women then he hasn't developed any instincts about subtle hints a woman may be dropping. Sometimes you just have to flat out tell some guys that you aren't comfortable discussing sex with strangers.

He sounds like a guy that doesn't have much dating experience or has a lot of experience with the "wrong" kind of woman. He certainly doesn't know how to treat a lady on a first date. If you think you like him in spite of the pushy sex talk and him seemingly wanting to make you his girl so fast, give him a second chance but tell him straight out how you felt about the first date. If he doesn't get it, then tell thanks but no thanks.

I agree with Mrs. Darcy.

As far as Dad...I would try to tell him that there were red flags about him that you didn't care for and leave it at that. Problem is, if they are co-workers, you don't know what he's going to be telling Dad on the other end, but I can see how you don't want to tell Dad that he was sexually "pushy" because then Dad might feel the need to go into work and say something. Maybe if Dad pushes for reasons, cite the age difference and your concern that he might have drank a bit too much....they are a little more palatable reasons for a father to hear, I think, and then he and Dad will be able to continue to work together.

See, this is what moves my feelings away from the "PERVERT!" alarm bells that other posters are warning about. Her father works with this guy. We don't know if he works with him 8 hours a day, 5 days a week or if the father sees him every once in awhile, but I doubt a father would set his daughter up with someone who has a reputation of being a ladies man. Nor would the guy want to create waves with a co-worker by treating that co-worker's daughter like a prostitute.

I'm going to have to say "Socially Inept" as opposed to "Smutty Fred Flintstone". If the OP feels that his good qualities far outweigh his bad ones, it might be worth trying to educate him as to what women want. But, then again, you might wind up doing all that training only to have him use it on the next woman when he drops you so make sure that his good qualities are worth spending time teaching him how to be civilized.

If he's just a big project and you're ho-hum about him as a potential mate, drop him and tell dad that the chemistry isn't there.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

There really was NOT any chemistry, we did have good conversations and he did ask me questions about myself, as I did about him.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not dated the right men either and have been burned and heart broken in the past. So I am also trying to not do what I used to do when going out. I was hoping that he would be the same and try to be a gentleman but that really was not the case.

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight. It's not that far from my work.

I was hoping he would have been more of gentleman. Also what I found weird was when we went to this bar, he was introducing me to all these people, I guess showing me off but I mean its our first date, I thought it was weird.

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

 

[Klismania]

There really was NOT any chemistry, we did have good conversations and he did ask me questions about myself, as I did about him.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not dated the right men either and have been burned and heart broken in the past. So I am also trying to not do what I used to do when going out. I was hoping that he would be the same and try to be a gentleman but that really was not the case.

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight. It's not that far from my work.

I was hoping he would have been more of gentleman. Also what I found weird was when we went to this bar, he was introducing me to all these people, I guess showing me off but I mean its our first date, I thought it was weird.

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

I suppose you might want to date him again to make sure the chemistry isn't there, but if it were me and the first date was as big a dud as you said it was, I'd be dropping the "I'm sorry but I don't think it's going to work out" card in his lap. If you're not attracted to him, then you're not attracted to him. 2 or 3 dates aren't going to change that.

 

[sunnyday123]

If he's 45 and never been married, there's a reason. I think you just found it.

This. Also, if he tries to do the deed on the first date, that's all he wants.

 

[Carnie]

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight. It's not that far from my work.



7:30 on the morning?!?!?!?! Even THAT isn't socially acceptable.

Please tell us you said "no".

I recommend the book "Why Men Love B****s" by Sherry Argov. You said you were a doormat. This will give you some good tips on taking charge and not being one any more.

And, IMO, if you do see him, you are being a doormat. Clearly, you don't want to see him but you are worried about what your dad thinks.

It's your life.

 

[pearlieq]

Sex is a completely inappropriate topic for a first date, unless it's not so much a "date" as it is a vetting of a booty call.

To have brought it up so many times, making that creepy comment about kissing, and trying to invite himself in? Yuck!

There's nothing wrong with being 45 and unmarried, but there's definitely a reason that THIS 45-year-old is unmarried. Ew.

 

[AKL_Megs]

This. Also, if he tries to do the deed on the first date, that's all he wants.

Yes.

If I went out on a first date with a guy and he said, "Do you like sex," LET ALONE asking me sexual questions that can't be posted here, that would be a BIG turn off and red flag. I'd think, sexual addiction, or sexual awkwardness, at the least. Just tacky. And gross. And desperate.

 

[stevenpensacola]

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight.

Also what I found weird was when we went to this bar, he was introducing me to all these people, I guess showing me off but I mean its our first date, I thought it was weird.

trophy wife (oops girlfriend) alert!!!...

sounds a little immature....like he wants to show the other GUYS he hangs out with every Friday night, that, yes, he can get a date with a woman who has a pulse, and does not have a valve.

 

[CdnBuzzFan]

Run, don't just walk, in the opposite direction of this man!

My thoughts exactly on this one too!

Run, Forest! RUN!

 

[eowensby]

He was pretty disrespectful asking you all about sex on your date and then to keep bringing it up. RUN! You are worth so much more than a booty call!

 

[DisneyMim]

I'm with the others who said to follow your gut. If he makes you uncomfortable, run in the other direction. Nobody should be talking about sex on a first date IMHO. That is a huge red flag for me.