Dating question, is it a red flag or am I jumping the gun?

[wdwmom0f3]

Yes.

If I went out on a first date with a guy and he said, "Do you like sex," LET ALONE asking me sexual questions that can't be posted here, that would be a BIG turn off and red flag. I'd think, sexual addiction, or sexual awkwardness, at the least. Just tacky. And gross. And desperate.

My thoughts exactly, and I would add totally disrespectful to that as well.
I would not date, nor would I want my girls to date someone like that.

 

[horseshowmom]

My parents are really pusing this whole thing and have told me that I dont know what its like to be treated well (which is 100% true)

What you described sure isn't being treated well. I can't even fathom that he would bring sex up to you on the first date and then keep going back to it when you keep steering the conversation away (your DAD set you up with him for goodness sake ). The guy has no class and apparently no manners at all. Being me, I would be very plain with my parents when they pushed the issue. After all, the guy didn't mind being a jerk so why should he mind that you gave your dad an explanation as to why you don't want to see him again?

There is a reason he is 45 and never married. He did not show any respect to you or your father and I agree, run!

Everything about everything he did was a huge red flag to me. He sounds weird. His behavior is something I'd expect out of bumbling frat boy, not a 45 year old man. It honestly sounds gross.

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

I wish you the best, but I doubt very seriously that this is going to improve. He was scraping the bottom with his behavior on the first date.

 

[SpecialK]

Trust your instincts. It all seems a bit "too much too soon" to me. He made you uncomfortable and there's no chemistry, so why waste your time?

As for being 45 and unmarried, I have a number of friends, male and female, who are in the same boat. They were just never lucky enough to meet the right person. And as someone who didn't marry until her 30s, I can tell you those judgements sting.

 

[SunnyP4Disney]

He seems way too creepy and pushy. I would tell my dad thanks, but no thanks on the setting up department. I definitely wouldn't go out again, I would be afraid how he would act with more drinks in him. Ewwww...

 

[Disney Doll]

There really was NOT any chemistry, we did have good conversations and he did ask me questions about myself, as I did about him.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not dated the right men either and have been burned and heart broken in the past. So I am also trying to not do what I used to do when going out. I was hoping that he would be the same and try to be a gentleman but that really was not the case.

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight. It's not that far from my work.

I was hoping he would have been more of gentleman. Also what I found weird was when we went to this bar, he was introducing me to all these people, I guess showing me off but I mean its our first date, I thought it was weird.

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

Stop making excuses for him. You didn't like him. You're not interested. There's no chemistry. Parts of his personality skeeve you out on the 1st date when one assumes someone is going to be on their very best behavior and doing their best to impress. Why do you feel the need to go out with him again?

 

[disykat]

I also don't get why you're "giving him another chance."

I see nothing wrong with not being married. I see nothing wrong with being overweight. I see nothing wrong with giving a nice guy whom you didn't feel chemistry with another chance.

However, you've described someone was rude and made you uncomfortable. You deserve better. Don't you dare think you don't!

 

[AKL_Megs]

Don't feel like you have to give him a "second chance" because your dad set you up. Your dad doesn't have to date him or listen to his sexual perversions. Gross! You can do better.

 

[simpilotswife]

Dump him!! If he has that many friends at that many bars, it is not a good sign.

If your folks keep pushing...tell them about the sex conversation that you had....I guarantee that that will shut them up.

 

[Green Tea]

"That's it, I want some more passion" !

Ewww. Just Ewwwww. I would get caller ID and never look back. Ewww.

 

[Liberty Belle]

There really was NOT any chemistry, we did have good conversations and he did ask me questions about myself, as I did about him.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not dated the right men either and have been burned and heart broken in the past. So I am also trying to not do what I used to do when going out. I was hoping that he would be the same and try to be a gentleman but that really was not the case.

He text me at like 730 this morning and asked if I was going to come and see him play pool with his league tonight. It's not that far from my work.

I was hoping he would have been more of gentleman. Also what I found weird was when we went to this bar, he was introducing me to all these people, I guess showing me off but I mean its our first date, I thought it was weird.

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

Yeah, after reading that he was introducing you and stuff, I'd say he's just awkward and really wants to settle down with someone. It's nice of you to give him a second chance. If you want to date him again, though, I'd tell him right away that you're not wanting to move too fast.

 

[SeaShelley]

Your gut is telling you everything you need to hear! Listen to it! The first date raised many red flags IMHO and the whole "do you want to come "watch" me play pool" invite is just odd...Sure, then you can come over and watch me do my nails !!!

I'd tell Dad what happened and to turn in his match making card !

 

[horseshowmom]

As for being 45 and unmarried, I have a number of friends, male and female, who are in the same boat. They were just never lucky enough to meet the right person. And as someone who didn't marry until her 30s, I can tell you those judgements sting.

I see nothing wrong with not being married. I see nothing wrong with being overweight. I see nothing wrong with giving a nice guy whom you didn't feel chemistry with another chance.

However, you've described someone was rude and made you uncomfortable. You deserve better. Don't you dare think you don't!

SpecialK, I don't think that anyone means that there is anything wrong with being 45 and unmarried. They mean that behaving the way he did may indicate why he's 45 and unmarried.

There's a woman we go to church with who is in her 30's and is super nice. Her identical twin sister is married. This woman would love to be married but has never met the right man, and she's not settling for a poor substitute. I have a great deal of respect for her.

 

[hereyago]

T

It is in my nature to give people a second chance and I will go out with him again. Maybe he was nervous and haven't gone out on a date in awhile all people make mistakes. BUT if its the same thing all over again that's it.

You have a wonderful thing called an instinct, intuition, use it. As women, we tend to want to "help, nurture" even at our own costs. If there was no chemistry there, the guy wasn't up to your standard from the jump, then why do it again?

And honestly your dad is saying oh he will be a great husband? really? is he trying to marry you off? cause in the immortal words of Whitney Houston, I would rather be alone then unhappy.

 

[shortbun]

There's a reason he's not married. He's focused, innapropriately on sex. He is not smooth. graceful, romantic, respectful -'let me in and let's see what happens!!????' Puleeze!!! You know what you would tell a friend who asked you the same question...you'd say 'run for the hills.' Tell your parents the truth. Don't give him the chance to REALLY get pushy and act dangerously. This rewind, repeat about sex is an indicator that he's obsessed and won't ever get better-only worse.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I want to explain my reason for giving me another shot.

I feel that he was trying hard to impress me and he hasn't gone on many "real" dates as I have.

I don't believe that anything is instant, our conversation never stopped, he talked about himself alot but again I felt that he was trying to impress me.

He has a routine and he wants to include me in that. It's nice that he wants to see me again because I can't tell you how many times I really liked someone and did want to see them again (fairly soon) and never got a call back or it was weeks later, so for him to want to see me again is a good sign.

I need to really decide though if he wants a relationship or just another "friend" because THAT I certainly do not want.

Many have addressed the age issue. I have dated men that were older than me for quite some time. Most men my age are too into their video games or trying to find the next best thing so we don't get along very well.

Dating is really difficult, and I am not trying to please my dad (he is my stepdad) He has also known this person for many many years. He has a very stable job and works hard. He is just set in his ways at this point and I am not looking to change that BUT I want someone who wants to be in a relationship and learn about each other. Isn't that how its supposed to be?

Sometimes I think that I am asking for too much, I have my own faults too. So why not give him a second chance, if he blows it this time then we're done.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, If you mentioned any of his conversation with you to your mom & step dad what do you think they would tell you?

TC

 

[ladyhawk14624]

I was a serial dater for a couple of years after my divorce and he sounds like several men I dated once. Like others have said, run away fast. He's already made you uncomfortable so why give him a second chance? Plus, he knew your parents set you up yet he still went on and on about sex on the first date! Don't sell yourself short, it doesn't sound like he's worth a second date. You will meet the right man but I don't think this guy is the one.

 

[stevenpensacola]

trophy wife (oops girlfriend) alert!!!...

sounds a little immature....like he wants to show the other GUYS he hangs out with every Friday night, that, yes, he can get a date with a woman who has a pulse, and does not have a valve.

I thought you'd give me more on this...

 

[hereyago]

trophy wife (oops girlfriend) alert!!!...

sounds a little immature....like he wants to show the other GUYS he hangs out with every Friday night, that, yes, he can get a date with a woman who has a pulse, and does not have a valve.

 

[NotUrsula]

This is the mom in me coming out, but is there any chance that he could have Asperger's? (I've got a teen son with Aspergers, and a lot of this is sounding a bit familiar.) I think it would pay to ask your dad a few questions about the man's everyday conversation, such as if he seems to have trouble dropping topics of conversation, and if he has issues with taking things too literally. Both of those are clues that you MIGHT be dealing with an adult Aspie (which is not to say that you need to tolerate behavior that you find offensive, only that if you want to give the man another chance, there are certain tactics that might work better than others.)

Aspies are very socially awkward for a lot of reasons, and two of those reasons are that they tend to be both literal and perseverative. They tend to beat topics to death, and not understand that they are being rude unless they are told flat-out that certain topics are inappropriate under certain circumstances. Hints won't work with most Aspies -- you have to say something like: "this conversation is too personal and I am finding it offensive because I do not know you well enough to discuss sex. I will not not discuss sex with any man at ALL unless we have been on at least 6 dates first. If you keep asking questions like these, I will insist on going home right now and this date will be over. If that happens I will not go out with you or even speak to you ever again."

Aspie men do often rush the sex angle if they find a girl attractive; they tend not to understand why there is a need to hide desire, because after all, they would be flattered if the situation were reversed. Again, only the setting of very concrete boundaries will make it clear to them what they must do to stop making you uncomfortable.

As to the drinking thing, it's possible that if he is an Aspie, he thinks that the drinking thing and the fact that he has "friends" at the bars will impress you. In social terms, they tend to be desperate to prove that they are not dysfunctional loners and that they have friends and a social life just like neurotypical people (even if they really don't by normal standards. A lot of Aspies will assume that anyone who is consistently polite to them and willing to engage in conversation is a "best friend", even if that person does not even know the Aspie's name.)

Of course, it's more than possible that the guy just doesn't think much of women as people and is looking for a quick roll. Talking to your Dad about the date might help you determine that.

As to the text messaging, I wouldn't worry about that unless he sent repeated texts until you answered. I normally treat texts like emails and don't expect people to answer them right away, so I send them whenever I think of it, under the assumption that they will reply whenever they have time.