Daily joke thread......

[2goofycampers]

sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[Goofyseven]

In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his
wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the
English language.

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The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.


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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

------------ -- ------------ --------- --------



Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----



The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. (thanx, Goofyseven)


With the administration runn'n this country today,,THAT REALLY IS AN AMAZING FACT !

 

[liv luvs disney]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

 

[chief19spixi]

Lol

 

[Goofyseven]

God was missing

for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on
the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said. "What it it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed
a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land
area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are
going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and
they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But
what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the
idiots I put there."

 

[Modeltrf]

It has been a glorious wedding day!

The bride and groom are now preparing for their first night together. As they are getting into bed the groom tells his beautiful bride ‘before we make love I need you to do me a favor’. ‘Anything you want’ answers his loving bride. ‘I want you to put on my pants’ he states. She doesn’t know why but she complies. She pulls his pants up one leg then up her other leg. As she stands up the pants fall down. She tries several times but each time the pants fall to the floor. During the fourth attempt to keep the pants up he stops her by stating ‘Now do you understand who wears the pants in the family’. ‘I understand’ says the bride.

The manly groom tells her to come to bed now. She asks him for a favor before bed. As she is so beautiful and respectful of his headship he willingly agrees. ‘Anything you want’ rolls off his tongue. She hands him her extra set of panties while instructing him to put them on. He’s looking forward to their first night so he quickly puts one foot in the panty then gets the other foot in. He begins to pull them up but after the knee he has little success. You can see the look of determination on his face while he struggles to pull the panties past his knees. After much effort but still no success he cries out in desperation to her ‘I can’t get in them’. His lovely bride holds his face so tenderly while whispering ‘and you never will unless your attitude changes’.

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[liv luvs disney]

Well that's just the cutest thing I've ever seen.

 

[tellnotails]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.




The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.




He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'




To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'




And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'




He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'



So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.




He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'




The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'




Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'




The Scotsmanreplies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'




The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent..



Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!'

 

[Goofyseven]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.



It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter
asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"



The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.



The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than
GM.



The economy is so bad Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the
Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.



The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.



The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.



The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico.


The economy is so bad people in Africa are donating money to Americans.



The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.



The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.



The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.



And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

It was announced that the White House will not have a nativity scene this year,,,

in all of Washington they can't find 3 wise men !

 

[Christine9125]

A company was checking its employees passwords to make sure they conformed with company policy. The Blonde’s was:



MinnieMickyDonaldPlutoHueyDueyLouieGoofy



They asked her why she picked such a long one and she said “well it had to be 8 characters long”.

 

[Goofyseven]

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'

and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs

He kept records, and any rooster not performing

went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells

and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,

which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report

by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,

but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing

pullets,


bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for

cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't

ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair

and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out

how to win two of the most highly coveted awards

on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace

and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year,

the bells are not always audible.

 

[tellnotails]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and

a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,

what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to

his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long

have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here

that the Pope does."

 

[2goofycampers]

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

 

[2goofycampers]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,








Wait for it.wait for it..







You're just gonna love this..











BP

 

[Tnbob]

 

[2goofycampers]

Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiablyly, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Fishing For a Sale :
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"