Daily joke thread......

[liv luvs disney]

The difference between oBama and oSama is just a little BS....

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Offline

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough,

everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on
the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,
pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

 

[tellnotails]

top ten reasons guns are better than women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun does not take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun does not ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun does not mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

[Born 2 Fish]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
Letter to God

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those ba$tard$ at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[DaveInTN]

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she
is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to:

A man with Duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on
Fire!!.

No further studies are expected.

 

[Tnbob]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[Cockburn Family]

A teacher was finished her lesson early and said to her grade 6 students "I'm going to ask a few review questions regarding our lesson and whom ever gets the right answers may leave early for recess!"

The teacher asked "What is the Capital of Canada?" All the students put up their hands and she asked little Mary up front. Mary replied "Ottawa". "Correct" said the teacher and Mary left early for recess to play.

The teacher asked "What is the Capital of the United States?" Again all the students put up their hands and she asked little Kathy in the middle of the class. Kathy replied "Washington D.C.". "Correct" said the teacher and Kathy left early for recess to play.

The teacher asked a third question and at this point little Johnny was getting frustrated in the back row as he wasn't being picked. "What is the Capital of Mexico?" Again all the students put up their hands and she asked little Julia in the back row who quickly replies "Mexico City". "Correct" says the teacher and Julia quickly leaves early for recess to play.

The teacher turns to write something quickly on the blackboard and little Johnny says loudly "boy I wish these girls would just keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher quickly turns around and in a stern voice says "WHO SAID THAT!!!":mad:

Johnny yells out "TIGER WOODS" and quickly leaves for recess!!!

 

[2goofycampers]

Four guys have been going to the same deer

Camp for many years.

Two days before the group is

To leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he

Isn't going.

Frank 's friends are very upset that

He can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later

The three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there

With a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on

The fire. "Dang man, how long you been here, and how did

You talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here

Since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was

Sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands

Over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her

Hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through


Nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room

Had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs,

And ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and

I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you


Want."

 

[Goofyseven]

Irish Alzheimers


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"


Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A new Publix Supermarket opened in Hudson, Florida. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of
tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY DISNEY OBSESSION

10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.
9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.
8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".
7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.
6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".
5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.
4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.
3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.
2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.
1. You're reading this.

 

[DaveInTN]

7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.

 

[mnsprk]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

[blm2003]

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?” The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.” So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?” Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?” Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.” And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!” With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”

 

[disney92]

MARIJUANA-FILLED FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-r-dun).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[M&N]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'