Daily joke thread......

[2goofycampers]

The guys were all at a deer camp.
> No one
> wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
>
>
>
>
> They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
> stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
> turns.
>
> The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next
> morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
> bloodshot.
>
>
> They said, "Man, what happened to
> you?"
>
>
> He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
> watched him all night."
>
> The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the
> morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
> bloodshot.
>
>
> They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
> awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
> with his snoring. I watched him all
> night."
>
> The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,
> older cowboy; a man's man.. The next morning he came to
> breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good
> morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
>
>
>
> They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
> "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into
> bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good
> night...
>
> Bob sat up and watched me all
> night."

 

[2goofycampers]

GOOD
> SAMARITAN
>
>
>
> A Sunday
> school teacher was telling her class the story of
> the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a
> person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what
> would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the
> hushed silence, "I think I'd throw
> up."
>
>
>
>
>
> DID
> NOAH FISH?
>
>
>
> A
> Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah
> did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark
> ?"
>
>
> "No,"
> replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
> worms."
>
>
>
>
>
> THE
> LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
>
>
>
> A
> Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
> memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible
> -
>
>
> Psalm
> 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
> Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just
> couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he
> could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
> kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
> congregation, Ricky was so nervous... When it was his turn,
> he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The
> Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
> know."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DURING
> THESE SERIOUS AND TROUBLED TIMES, PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS
> SHOULD REMEMBER THESE FOUR GREAT RELIGIOUS
> TRUTHS:
>
>
>
> 1.
> Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen
> People.
>
>
>
> 2.
> Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
> Messiah.
>
>
>
> 3.
> Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
> Christian world.
>
>
>
> 4.
> Baptists do not recognize each other at the Liquor
> Store.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> UNANSWERED
> PRAYER
>
>
>
> The
> preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
> always paused and bowed his head for a moment before
> starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
> why..
>
>
> "Well,
> Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
> observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to
> help me preach a good sermon." "How come He
> doesn't answer it?" she
> asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> BEING
> THANKFUL
>
>
>
> A
> Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your
> mother says your prayers for you each
> night?
>
>
> That's
> very commendable. What does she
> say?"
>
>
> The
> little boy replied, "Thank God he's in
> bed!"
>
>
>
> ALL
> GIRLS
>
>
>
> When
> my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would
> bless every family member, every friend, and every animal
> (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished
> the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all
> girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine,
> to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and
> I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part
> about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody
> always finish their prayers by saying 'All
> Men'!"
>
>
>
>
>
> SAY
> A PRAYER
>
>
>
> Little
> Johnny and his family were having Sunday
> dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was
> seated around the table as the food was being served. When
> Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
> away.
>
>
> "Johnny!
> Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
> "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of
> course, you do.." his mother insisted. "We always
> say a prayer before eating at our house."
> "That's at our house." Johnny explained.
> "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to
> cook!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a biotch, if you don't climb your azz the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the snot out of you!' "

Merry Christmas

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Santa's New Contract

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond "I heard dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off". The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus's elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.


Sincerely yours,



Santa Claus

 

[jriae2000]

Three weeks after a woman has a face lift she decides to see if people can tell. First she goes to the local super market and gets a paper. While checking out she asks the young man at the register- how old do I look? The man says 29. With a big smile she says nope, I just turned fifty. Feeling good she goes to the pharmacy and while there she asks the young lady behind the counter- how old do I look? The woman say 31. Nope, I just turned fifty very loudly and proudly. On her way home she stops at Mcdonalds but it is so busy she cant ask anyone there for their opinion. As she is leaving she sees a man on a bench behind the Mcdonalds. She walks over to him and says- how old do I look to you?. He stands and faces her. He says maam I'm an old man whos eyes are nearly worthless. I can barely tell if its night or day. But if you let me touch your breasts I can tell you exactly how old you are. She thinks about and then agrees. After about five minutes of stroking and squeezing he says- mamm I think you are 50 yrs old. She is shocked and asks him how he could tell that from her breasts. He says- well you were talking so much that you didnt see me standing right behind you at the pharmacy.

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"




You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

 

[donaldduck352]

A police recruit was asked during the exam"what if you had to arrest your mom?"

He answered"call for backup"

 

[liv luvs disney]

"Sad news from Kansas - the Wizzard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter people with no brains, no hearts and no courage - she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress!" -- copied

 

[Born 2 Fish]

"Sad news from Kansas - the Wizzard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter people with no brains, no hearts and no courage - she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress!" -- copied

Thats my new favorite joke !!

 

[liv luvs disney]

Thats my new favorite joke !!

Frank, my friend had it on his FB page today. I couldn't get off there fast enough to post it here. Glad it made you laugh; it cracked me up too!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Denise is after me to loose some weight, I told her my weight is perfect, it just happens that I am eleven feet too short.

 

[auntie]

Last time I saw you and Denise..and granted it was well over a year ago, the both of you looked FANTASTIC! I can't imagine that either one of you need to loose a single pound.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Last time I saw you and Denise..and granted it was well over a year ago, the both of you looked FANTASTIC! I can't imagine that either one of you need to loose a single pound.

She doesnt,,me on the other hand,,well,, I'm a friggn yo-yo,,and right now I'm up.

 

[2goofycampers]

Last time I saw you and Denise..and granted it was well over a year ago, the both of you looked FANTASTIC! I can't imagine that either one of you need to loose a single pound.

Frank can lose and gain weight faster than anyone I know.
He looks ok but his BP doesn't like him right now and that ain't good.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The Tourist's Prayer

Heavenly Father look down on us your humble, obedient tourists, who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, and walking around in drip-free underwear.

We beseech you Lord to see that our planes are not delayed, our luggage is not lost & overweight baggage goes unnoticed.

Give us this day your divine guidance in our selection of bed 'n' breakfast.

We pray that the toilets work and the telephone operators speak our tongue, that there are no emails from our children which would cause us to cancel the rest of our trip.

Lead us to good inexpensive restaurants where the wine is included in the price of the meal and local taxes are not added on later.

Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Make the natives appreciate us for the loving people we are, and not for what they can extract from our purses.

Grant us the strength to visit museums, the cathedrals, the palaces, and if we skip an important monument to take a nap after lunch, please have mercy on us as our flesh is weak.

Dear God please protect our wives from "bargains" they don't need, can't afford, and can't fit into their suitcases anyway. Lead them not into temptation, for they know not what they do.

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to the vintage domestic model. Save them from making complete fools of themselves in nightclubs. Above all, do NOT forgive them their trepasses for they know exactly what they do. And worse, enjoy it.

When our journey is over. grant us the persistence to find someone who will watch our home movies and listen to our stories, so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.

This we ask you in the name of Conrad Hilton, Thomas Cook, American Express, Visa, & Mastercard.

Amen.

 

[tellnotails]

The Aile seat:




Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat
and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a
U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said
the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'




As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went
to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other
shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.




As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'




THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

 

[ntsammy5]

now THAT'S a good joke!

 

[RocklandRVers]

This was a joke I heard a Trails End waiter tell during one of our Christmas visits a couple of years ago. He was from Minnesota I think and was talking about the cold winters there. He was telling how as a youngster he learned how to catch bears without using any guns or weapons.

“My grandpa taught me how to catch bears. The secret is to find a frozen lake. You go out on that lake and cut a big hole in the ice and do some ice fishing. As soon as you catch a fish, leave it on the edge of the ice and go hide and wait for a bear to show up. While the bear is sitting there enjoying his fish dinner, you sneak up from behind and kick him right in the ICE HOLE!”

The CM walked away and it took a second or two for the guests (and ourselves too) to get it but when they did we all burst into laughter. Now whenever we see people ice fishing we think look at all those ice holes out there on the lake.

 

[Goofyseven]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it...

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks open a beer, lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.