Daily joke thread......

[AuburnJen92]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support: ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 a nd
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE, ,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and
try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed ,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program
that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

 

[AuburnJen92]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
>
>
> 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a
> professional.
> In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
> patient.'
> 'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his
> trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the
> nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have
> been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
> herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor
> laughing.
>
>
> T en minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and
> regain her composure.
> 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know
> what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
> promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems
> to be the problem?
>
> 'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
>
>
> She ran out of the room.

 

[liv luvs disney]

A Dutchwoman explains her nation's flag to an American friend. "It symbolizes our taxes," she jokes. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our bill, and blue after we pay."
"Same with us," says the American. "Only we see stars too."

 

[2goofycampers]

TOP TEN
> INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER
> HEALTH CARE
> PLAN:
>
> (10) Your annual breast exam is done
> at Hooters.
>
> (9) Directions to your doctor's office include
> "Take a left when you enter the trailer
> park."
>
> (8) The tongue depressors taste
> faintly of Fudgesicles.
>
> (7) The only proctologist in the plan is
> "Gus" @ Roto-Rooter.
>
> (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care
> Coverage is "an
> apple a day..."
>
> (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the
> pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
>
> (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of
> out-of-network charges," is not a typographical
> error.
>
> (3) The only expense covered 100% is
> "embalming."
>
> (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little
> M's on them.
>
> AND THE NUMBER
> ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH
> CARE PLAN:
>
> (1) If you are a man, and you ask for Viagra and they
> give you a Popsicle stick and
> Duct Tape.

 

[liv luvs disney]

TOP TEN
> INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER
> HEALTH CARE
> PLAN:
>
> (10) Your annual breast exam is done
> at Hooters.
>
> (9) Directions to your doctor's office include
> "Take a left when you enter the trailer
> park."
>
> (8) The tongue depressors taste
> faintly of Fudgesicles.
>
> (7) The only proctologist in the plan is
> "Gus" @ Roto-Rooter.
>
> (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care
> Coverage is "an
> apple a day..."
>
> (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the
> pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
>
> (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of
> out-of-network charges," is not a typographical
> error.
>
> (3) The only expense covered 100% is
> "embalming."
>
> (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little
> M's on them.
>
> AND THE NUMBER
> ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH
> CARE PLAN:
>
> (1) If you are a man, and you ask for Viagra and they
> give you a Popsicle stick and
> Duct Tape.

Unfortunately, this may very well be where we're headed soon.

 

[Christine9125]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[tellnotails]

I think my wife's cheating on me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or somthing like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.
If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.

I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!

So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go out in the garage and wait. In a few minuts his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some of my hunting stuff the headlights shine through my garage and I see something that I just can't believe.

The string, on my bow is fraying! Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace it?

Good hunting, tellnotails

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I think my wife's cheating on me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or somthing like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.
If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.

I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!

So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go out in the garage and wait. In a few minuts his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some of my hunting stuff the headlights shine through my garage and I see something that I just can't believe.

The string, on my bow is fraying! Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace it?

Good hunting, tellnotails

 

[2goofycampers]

The things kids say !!
>
> 1) NUDITY
>
> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
> evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
> and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
> shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
> 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
>
> 2) OPINIONS
>
> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
> teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
> opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those
> of his parents.'
>
> 3) KETCHUP
>
> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
> During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
> 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy
> can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
> She's hitting the bottle.'
>
> 4) MORE NUDITY
>
> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
> women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room
> burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
> running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and
> then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever
> seen a little boy before?'
>
> 5) POLICE # 1
>
> While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
> school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
> old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are
> you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
> report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
> the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
> right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as
> she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie
> my shoe?'
>
> 6) POLICE # 2
>
> It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
> front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
> partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
> in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
> asked.
> 'It sure is,' I replied.
> Puzzled, the boy looked at
> me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
> 'What'd he do?'
>
> 7) ELDERLY
>
> While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
> elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
> my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
> various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
> walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
> pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
> for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
> and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe
> this!'
>
> 8) DRESS-UP
>
> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
> When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
> 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
> 'And why not, darling?'
> 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next
> morning.'
>
> 9) DEATH
>
> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
> our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
> nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old
> son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
> proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
> box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
> the disposal of the deceased.
> The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
> prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
> what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto
> the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
> goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
>
> 10) SCHOOL
>
> A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
> 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her
> mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
> won't let me talk!'
>
> 11) BIBLE (I love this one)
>
> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated
> as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
> fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at
> it. What he saw
> was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the
> pages.
> 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
> 'What have you got there, dear?'
> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
> answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

[chief19spixi]

Lol

 

[2goofycampers]

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an
Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

 

[SKWDW]

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and atched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Ha ha, just read this one on the 1st page from 07-15-2008 posted by auntie. Still funny!

 

[auntie]

I knew I'd heard that before!

Great minds think alike ..Denise and I!

 

[jriae2000]

One day when my son was 3 we were watching tv when a UPS truck pulled up next door.He looked out and said hey daddy its a school bus! I said no its a UPS truck. After going back and fourth a couple times I looked at him and slowly said No U P S . He looked at me with that look and said I no PS. Cant wait for his wedding day to share that one with the crowd.

 

[mamaloya]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-confident princess met a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted lake in a verdant plain near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the handsome, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up a home in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, take care of my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, eating dessert after fried frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she laughed to herself and thought:

I don't think so! >D

 

[BRDof3]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-confident princess met a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted lake in a verdant plain near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the handsome, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up a home in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, take care of my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, eating dessert after fried frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she laughed to herself and thought:

I don't think so! >D

 

[Goofyseven]

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Rhonda]

 

[big kahuna1]

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

You owe me a keyboard...and a fresh coffee!

 

[Goofyseven]

You owe me a keyboard...and a fresh coffee!

A small price to pay for a good laugh!!