Daily joke thread......

[kampfirekim]

"The South"


South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

The SC one sounds like DH's relatives in WEST VIRGINIA! Bah hahahahaha!

Indeed...I've never heard of anyone retiring and moving North.

 

[kampfirekim]

"The South"


South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

The SC one sounds like DH's relatives in WEST VIRGINIA! Bah hahahahaha!

Indeed...I've never heard of anyone retiring and moving North.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...................... .....

In Australia , they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

 

[Lil' Lisa]

This one is for you Frank...

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in the South.

 

[Tnbob]

This one is for you Frank...

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in the South.

 

[AuburnJen92]

This one is for you Frank...

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in the South.

Amen

 

[mnsprk]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key".

 

[AuburnJen92]

Tennessee Trailer Park


Genealogy

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at their
local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I
was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife
while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would
that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

 

[Tnbob]

Tennessee Trailer Park


Genealogy

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at their
local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I
was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife
while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would
that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the supermarket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Truisms


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

 

[Goofyseven]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of
the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

 

[Modeltrf]

God created the donkey & said to him : "You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: ""You will be a dog. "" You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog." The dog answered: "Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
God created the Monkey and said to him: "" You will be a monkey. "" You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey." The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too much , you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: "" You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. "" You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "" Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish.

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren."

 

[Modeltrf]

A man walks in for a sales rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, "Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky. "" The man smiles and says,""Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away. "" So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns, ""Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms. "" The man chuckles, ""Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking? """

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DANG DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I was reading thru RvUSA joke thread (lots of awesome jokes there)
(stole this joke from our own lovable John)


A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

 

[ntsammy5]

Hey, Frank! Are you guys having a good time? Come over to the dark side on FB!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

FaceBook !!!!!!!

 

[Tnbob]

Oh come on Frank, the waters warm..........

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Sounds like a pee bath to me,