Daily joke thread......

[Modeltrf]

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman. "

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the h*ll out of college students!"

 

[Modeltrf]

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighborhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm. She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick! ""They looked up at her puzzled and asked, ""Was he sick yesterday? """

 

[mnsprk]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She
can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have
contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair
for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex??? '


The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice
every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.


'It's rust!!

 

[Total Joker]

What happens when a duck flies upside down?


He quacks up.

 

[Total Joker]

Even tho RvUsa.org (John) has a great daily joke thread on his site,,I'll contribute.


You Might be a Disney Dork if . . .


You have a bedroom totally done in Disney and it's not your kid's room.

You own more Disney clothes than non-Disney clothes.

You know how to make this . . . ºoº

You get a job at the Disney Store just to get the discount.

You set your alarm clock to get up in time to call when the dining line opens to book Cinderella's Royal Table on the 60th day out.

You tell the dining agent what she is supposed to tell you.

You call Disney employees Cast Members.

Cast members know you by name.

You have a reservation for Walt Disney World. All you could get was a campsite . . . you don't even own a camper.

You don't need to ask a Cast Member where the closest bathroom is.

Your friends ask you where the closest bathroom is.

Other guests ask you where the closest bathroom is.

Cast members ask you where the closest bathroom is.

You can get from Splash Mountain to Space Mountain in less than 10 minutes during the 3:00 parade on Easter Sunday without using the tunnels.

You call the tunnels "utilidors."

You miss Mission to Mars.

You remember "If You Had Wings" and can still sing the song.

You can name the seven dwarfs.

You can name the seven lands in The Magic Kingdom.

You can name the seven daughters of Triton.

You just went to a Disney trivia book to look up the answer to the last question and you knew which one to look in.

You know where more than 10 hidden Mickeys are.

You think Walt is frozen in a block of ice on the second floor of the castle.

You know he is.

You ever spent more than $250.00 on a piece of Disney merchandise that originally sold for $5.00.

You have all 101 Dalmatian Happy Meal toys from McDonalds.

You went across state lines to get them.

You can name the 11 countries around World Showcase, in order.

You have seen both IllumiNations and Fantasy in the Sky on the same night . . . from inside both parks.

You have never been to a Disneyana Convention, but you're saving up to go.

You have a favorite room at one of the Disney resorts.

You have a favorite room at ALL of the Disney resorts.

You think that staying on Hotel Plaza Boulevard isn't close enough to the parks.

You have waited for the next monorail so you could sit up front.

You don't ride the monorail unless you sit up front.

You can tell the difference between riding in one of the outside elevators and one of the inside elevators when riding Tower of Terror.

You can call out which direction the car is about to go when riding Space Mountain . . . from the back seat . . . with your eyes closed.

You can recite the Haunted Mansion speil.

You can recite the Jungle Cruise speil.

You can recite the Backstage Studio Tour speil.

You have ten or more Disney sites bookmarked.

You belt along to "Energy," "Laughing Place," and "O Canada" (to name a few) while blasting your Official Disney Attractions soundtracks tape in your car . . . with the windows down . . . with other people in the car.

You cry like a baby every time another Disney vacaton has come to an end.

You have a special Disney fund in the back for future trips.

You've said Walt is God . . . and meant it.

Guilty of over 90% of these... Just lock me away!

 

[Total Joker]

A Letter To Husband

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed Rich and Free!

 

[kampfirekim]

When Grandma Goes To Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" she responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said.....

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"

 

[Modeltrf]

What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies? "Hey ya'll. Watch this! "

 

[Modeltrf]

"Dad,"" said Rickey, ""what is electricity? ""
""Uh,"" replied his father, ""I don't really know too much about electricity. ""
A few minutes later the boy said, ""How does gas make the engine go? ""
""Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about motors. "" ""Dad,"" said the boy, ""what is anthropology? ""
""Anthropology? ""
The father frowned. ""I really don't know. ""
""Gee, Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself. ""
""Not at all, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything. """

 

[kampfirekim]

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as he hits the windshield?




His butt.

 

[ntsammy5]

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

 

[Modeltrf]

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend. "" ""Oh yeah? What's the problem? ""
""When I asked her if she could learn to love me,"" he said, ""she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education. """

 

[mnsprk]

How do you get a little old white haired lady at the Senior Center to drop the "F" bomb..

Have some other little old lady yell.."BINGO"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders..

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9..40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say...'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
“The Government is well aware of the situation and we are setting up a committee to look into the feasibility of changing it.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.



"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Funny Bumper Stickers

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Born free... Taxed to death.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Caution: I drive like you do.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about his quick, decisive action to set a new tone of accountability; the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"


From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."